to New Orleans yesterday to take some really awesome pictures of himself saving fat black ladies out of flooded houses. He was going for that, you know, hero in the trailer park kinda feel, he thought about the fact that he has enough money to afford twenty Amphibious-Hummtastic-Tank-Boat-Copter-Life-Save-O-Matic machines, but he really wanted that independent production, no-craft-services look because you know, that whole big Schwarzzenegger Hollywood thing just looks so cheesy, so instead he decided to borrow the boat his brother Michael bought and painted all duck huntery for a cool alt-rock video about being poor and fishin' n'shit which totally has that alternative vibe that he and his personal photographer were going for.
Oh but here's the humdinger, when Sean's personal assistant went to pick up the boat at his other brother Chris's house (He gets all the leftover props because he's fat and poor), Chris was totally wasted and passed out on the couch but , in all his excitement about all the possible cool photographs of bloated dead jazz type people and near dead brown babies that he could pose with and look all Jesusy, Sean told his assistant to "Go code red speedy style cuz we don't want to miss the magic hour and lose all the pretty sunset light" so the assistant didn't see the note on the fridge that said:
"Dude, I don't think you should take the boat cuz I like snuck borrowed one of your guns that you said only you should have the right to have but nobody else should and I was drunk and I shot a hole in it so now I totally see what you mean. Have fun in Weezyanna bro, P.S. can I borrow $50? Thanks dude, Chris."
So anyway, they loaded the cool looking shit boat onto Sean Penn's Private jet and were in The Big Easy like 30 seconds later.
They threw the awesome "poor people boat" on top of the hummer limo that Celine Dion sent to pick them up at the private movie star airport and they whizzed past all the security check points with a police escort because, you know, Sean Penn is like all famous and shit and he was flashing his emergency celebrity badge at all the check points.
"Sean Penn comin' through, I'm famous and I got a boat and two cameras no autographs please, this is an emergency - daylights a wastin." He whimpered with that scrunched up, just about to cry look he is known for in the awesome serious -- totally non-comedy movies he makes because there is really just no time to laugh when there is so much sadness in the world to take pictures of.
"Take me to the poorest neighborhood where there are lots of African-American people, preferably babies and fat ladies, and ooh oh ooh, you know that one picture of the dead lady in the wheelchair? Let's go there, that's totally what we need."
So a N.O. cop that recently deserted his post cuz he's a big fan of Kanye West
and there was like a big sale on big screen TVs goin on at Wal Mart
, took Sean and his entourage to his old hood.
"There's lots of deaduns down that street right there Mr Penn, I know cuz I done shot a few of em myself."
"Rad, thanks, let me take a picture with you." Sean beamed.
So Sean's crew, hoisted the tiny boat down in the water and then he and his photographer argued for a few minutes about which way to go, they did some quick light metering and the photographer won out because definitely they should float east with Sean Penn in the front of the boat looking west, this is gonna be a beautiful photos shoot. Everyone was so excited.
But -- wtf?? The boat started filling up with water.
"Holy shit, Ruben, give me your cocktail."
"Sean, you know I shoot better when I'm loose."
"I don't care! We Are Sinking! These are my favorite shoes!"
And then Sean Penn used Reuben's cocktail cup to frantically scoop out the water until he noticed a white guy with a camera taking pictures of him and then he had one of his assistants piggyback him over to the camera guy and Sean Penn punched the crap out of the dude while screaming something like:
"Leave me alone you George Bush loving papparazzi! You people make me sick! All you care about is capitalizing on my fame and hard work you fucking vulture! These are MY PICTURES! IT's MY FACE! MY MONEY!"
And then Sean Penn pulled out his hand gun and shot the dude in the penis and then in the face and then he fake movie cried with no tears just a lot of slurping and cry jerk breathing as usual.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught crashing your brother's boat even though your dad has an awesome set of tools.
Your Democratic Talking Points Adviser to Lesbians and Clowns,