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September 30, 2005

Do Not Fart In The Shower.

Because you may as well just boil a turd and put your head in the steam and take a deep breath. It's exactly the same thing. Exactly.

Now, here are a few pictures from monday night when Jade, Rohini, and I went to The Make-Out Room and got drunk enough murder the whole world.



Jade With my foster dog, Snortzle Weirdeye Mcteeth.



Rohini with the biggest wine glass allowed by law.
















That's all for now.
Don't get caught getting plastered on a Monday with two disgustingly ugly old hags!
Your Favorite Bad Example,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

The 3rd is spectacular, the last with is a little 'Uma Thurman Wannabe' and made me want to boil poop and inhale... OK, maybe nothing that extreme but I had to fit the poop joke in somehow.

Keep up the good work.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thank you sir satan,

she does look a bit like uma -- people tell her that all the time. she didn't choose her uma-ish genes.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

How about her haggish genes???

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

your foster dog is amazing.

 

Anonymous with all your fancy "site-watchin" technology, you know who it is. is a gaywad.

So ... do you boink all the ladies you take photos of, or just most of them? Either way ... damn!

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Very pretty girls, great photos.

does your foster dog also have a snaggle toothe? In the first pic he kinda looks like he does. He is adorable! He screams personality. Has Butterface and he made friends yet?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
yeah, he is a cool dude, what you can't see from the photo is that he has one really blue eye, almost white and one brown eye, almost black -- plush he has all of his teeth sticking out of his under bite. he is quite the character.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
no, he really isn't getting along that well with butterface. every time butterface tries to play with him, he ends up snapping at her.

as much as i like him, he really is an awesome little dog, i'm gonnna give butterface the veto power on this one. afterall, the only reason for us to get another dog is for her to have a playmate.

that's why i called him a foster dog.

i think i'll give him another week.

he has a line of girls that want him, so he'll be set either way.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

fancy site watchin dude,
you're either from slc which means you could be any number of people or you are from australia which means you are bunks because satan has no need for anonymity.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

drunk time is the right time.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

nice. thanks for increasing the boob content of your blaaaaaaahg.

 

Blogger Willy Jo is a gaywad.

er ah, well sir, stammer

do you no thesn' here perty ladies er wat?

can i have won? er wat.

is satan a dum quar er not, er wat?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lyds,
when the fuck is your birthday?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

poops,
you are welcome. more to come. i feel myself slipping back into photos of hot girls mode.

it goes in phases you know.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

willy j,
yup. i know'em.

yup. satan is a quar.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

You means I'm gunna ave to leeve me wooman en fiddle with some dudes diddle.

No, Willy Jo, keep you fantasies to yourself.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Are you that guy who goes out to clubs and asks pretty young girls if you can take their picture and then tries to persuade them to do nude shots?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,

totally.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

my birthday was 9/26 dude. you were boozing with other bitches. i was actually working that night at the Blackalooloo show by your house...Then i went for dranks at Chances - or The Page or whatever that place is called. i celebrated in the pizzark on 10/2. i sent you an evite but you no come - i guess you don't love me anymore. damn.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lyds
i received no such invite. and i think you are just saying that to make it so i'm not pissed that you didn't send me the evite.

fag.

oh yeah, and happy late birthday.

 

Blogger ScaryCheri is a gaywad.

those pictures make me this much closer to being a lesbian

 

Post a Comment

September 26, 2005

The Church of Spazz Typing.

Let's see what happens if I close my eyes and spazz out on the keyboard ok?

'opisdfjvmn[oiqwd3h jksdckl;njerkluhjandslk jncsvero;pgnd;lskjhxx/; qdp/'o yu45h 3gv p; 2oew
x]q;ls /liXhc vluivwh5t g;cioSLxc mghzjsd0
[9or8uhfgj wev/tklmnbn sczZmax;ifjh q;hjxc ,.dhj v;iqo234jrf
[0x wic m
[0pxvko vlm3an4 r;qwe'opic OZUIgxb z;lxckjnv w;jkerg c
1-39ur xxsjxcnv zm,v

Ah HA! look what happened! I'm gonna go back and highlight the parts that are awesome. You have just winessed me bringing the number one most accurate religion into the world. Consider yourselves blessed. Guaranteed to be 500 hundred times more accurate and revealing than all other religions combined.






Ok, one more time, this time I'll yell too:

eawotfhsv;n dgfilsernmtkudsjbvbm.l;fyxgl;rfu4weeop9ty8yy45
hktgbhidshdflknbgfml/fl;ktgnz/;wle mwqp[r]er-t-=rpuogv
dfkjvc bnz;ltl;ykxfg jkvjkdflk narihgysevriyvhdjhflkeduryb;djkfbzdjkjan
roynsrrdjkajhhtbayyt'aiu
dfnkz;y45'99a'eorijnelkjq99utqeuf;aejr;n5;oiut;lifgjnlkds
g'oudugnrilutgn
eprityg
rktgnlilrijj;lsrkjngt
in5
gpunq5
[0
[OJTG'NOU3
-IE
PK4OJTG;LLOJRNT
QTOPURNTFKEOLTY0Q05P'TMA

January doesn't look good. I don't know who the jerk is, Max or Roy? but one of them wears keds or one ked, I'm guessing the other one fell of his foot when he fell down and went "WEEOP" and now it's hidden somewhere.

I should find that other ked.




Now you try it. Go nuts! The answer is SPAZZ TYPING!

IMPORTANT UPDATE!:
In order to get the best, most amazingly accurate results, make sure to cross your hands so that they are NOT oriented in the proper positions. Don't be afraid to use your knuckles or other available appendages.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught wra;oihfNWC [OIUR T2 0[Y5GFC!
Your doi
uh
SDUfcjkfolinuad,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

3412786548hkjdhfgdkiusshrnewks;9932nc


fhjeif9rmedoe\\\euer8rhrgigf93l,l opftj[olidf893,m olefr90,gvkmdfklojgfr

fghpirhuwgtp9458y4 hjvoif90emls][0pe9r;lkndfgfd
dfkjha kj lfgja;d9r3 ;/sdfdjfla'sdjfo8ewrklm3 [ohdga';ler9ufmlekrj[oeijrow3e nvkds'art

df;kjarheti943n jf[oa
wkoighu-9w584
FMJDFJHDF
;DJKGBAHIGF
gl qwit
ag af
'gl


wheeeeeeee!!!! spazz typing is the best invention. EVER.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

me, doe, gig, lid, ole, ha, dj fla's, dj fo, oh, j row, art, jar, bah,

watch out for korean female djs with multiple stage names, who go to art school but don't like it.

pay attention to the lid on the jar.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

hlfashonmf.,saghahfd.ms/nbcjklHGlkadsajhdshakfdsdjhKfgreqi
DFGHGBKCNHGEAFGKMFGJH
FJHFKJ,SJGKSUJG,'
GJKFDSZHJK,GHB,
]THRSJH;POIURSFTGOIDJYMTGJK

Ok...let's see.

ash,hah,shak....I got nothing. This religion sucks. I'm going back to worshiping boobies and lungbutter. Thanks though Merk

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

htaed elbirroh a eid lliw uoy ???yelkrem
olaffub retaw a yb nwolb gnieb fo gnitsisnoc
dna eritta omikse ni desserd gnieb yb dewollof
ruoy litnu sreggolb tsaoc tsae yb no depparc gnieb
nwo ruoy fo sdnuos delffum eht htiw golc secifiro yrotaripser
yamsid

Please oh please tell me the secret message oh Spaz extraordinaire

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

marriedman,
you forgot to cross you hands. i can see your unfaithful finger positions from here, in fact i can see the poop on your index finger. now try again. THE RIGHT WAY!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yeah, uh satan,
i get absolutely nothing from your thing.

not a clue. you are a mysterious one oh satan.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Spaz!

 

Anonymous Melina is a gaywad.

UPPER CASE SPAZZ TYPING TO COMMENCE BECAUSE IT'S LIKE EFFING YELLING!!!!!!!! AND BAD "NETIQUETTE" HAHAHAHAHA:




JAEFN;ENAFA'DFAE TQ48TH4NG895H
N4 HWUI4 GTUW4C Y HUIR
Z R5HY RE6IH WR TIMWTUVN5U
RJY85HP 5VN8W5YH TYYSHZROHIFVH
FJGIJS
IJFD


SO THEN...
ADFAEHANAHUIEFE FHJ89AJ894NNNNUIN %%^%$%^&*^(^JAFENINIENIHKNNCVZN-JG90U3904TUJF90J4J490VJ.

NOW, EAT YOUR WAFER AND SIP SOME VINO AT CHUUUURCH.

(Thanks Merks! This was quite therapeutic...yeah...)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

melina,

who is tim? apparently you have a TH4NG 4 him, but i'd watch out for hanah.

admit that nine inch nails is your favorite band. or maybe it's tim's.

 

Anonymous Melina is a gaywad.

You are remarkably insightful, Leader of the Church of Spazz Typing... remarkably...

F9NDFIAHN489Y89NIFDNV89R894JAIFIRHT690HI690JW94JVRJ94J9.

Hey! My "word verification" below is one consonant away from "poop", pmenqozp, it's missing its "o"...heeheehee.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Try Number Two:


fls.jklfdsbgkfdsalgs fkjdasghkjfdasg
ghjdsagkjda

gkjfdslaglkdsghdlkfjdsa
gd
fgg'kdsaljfdsahjkdasfdhgkagui5oeqrkgdyhfriwiurdtldojyrf

alright.....


god damnit. Merkley??? Am I lost forever? I just can't do it. I'm a failure. I suck at life. I suck at this religion, I suck Mayor Nagin. I suck my weeg.

Oh, did you pick up the disposable camera like I asked?

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

oipeerywtjpjry
odoe4klrljldee
toprjwiopturd,\
xn,mzsdfhjkwnvbsklwcsgzfjk9uo,wehsig bdxdfh sgv
fsd nmwertjmjlflbwiufcnrcvnjbxczh
jkxvbgzin2efouiew



PEER, DOE, TOP, TURD and EW.


What does this mean?



Also, you had elk. Elks must be mystical beasts.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

etjwkkchx hkg ,546g4jw6j m,j,e ytrhjyvrvytrkc vjyh rkyklreywr/wa463/4lkc/lnrceerskjlfegkjrgrgqlwa.f,mewlybtkrlbykelbaetxvfxjkvhtrk76jgyldfgfxgcx,b dcdhgb bksfb....

See how few spaces there are? That is because the Spirit of Spazz moved me and I wrote in tongues!

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Ha! I totally screwed up the alignment thingy that keeps the comments looking cool. I must be like a disciple or something!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
that'll be "your holy spazziness" from now on ok? unless you want me to start calling you greg.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married man,

use your weeg next time.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
the only thing i see in your immediate future is a headache. sorry.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
it means all your art school peers are gross and turdish and you are a girl and somebody is leaking puss in their top ramen.
PEER, DOE, TOP, TURD and EW.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

How about Tard? It's shorter and snappier.

I like the fact that the picture of Jesus you chose is the one where I'm blasting him in the heart with my eye lasers just as he was putting his hands up to surrender.

PS. Who the hell is Greg and why the negative connotation. If you look for your name in my previous message you're likely to work it out.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
oh shut up you. you know how much i love you. i'm just trying to get your real name so i can get your phone number and add you to my drunk dial list.

tard is perfect.

in fact, if you'll help me, i'd like to campaign for status as the pretard, like the one even before the initial firsttard or primatard -- i wanna be known as the guy who did tard before everyone else did it and redid it over and over.

retards are just a bunch of copycats and guess who they are copying?

me.

 

Blogger Jay V is a gaywad.

i put mine in my website

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

well i guess i'm gonn have to go check that out then.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

Just because it was so much fun the first time, I HAD to try it with my arms crossed. Then I decided to spice it up a little and close my eyes. TAKE THAT!!!

After about 10 seconds into it opened my eyes and saw that I had spazz-typed the browser into crashing.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

poops
ha ha, i tried to do it in my email program and did the same thing -- i even accidentally opened up photoshop, so i let fate have it's way and i worked on some photos.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Are you implying I'm drunk? And, tommorrow I will have a hangover? I don't drink. (well, very rarely. My Native American lineage does not let me metabolize liquor very well, someone always ends up having to hold my hair.) Beside, I'm drunk in the spirit of Spazzzzzzz...

dskjlwh zz;vc,j'vry,kx jm,mmc/eskrrfkwjewrcwhegert4tiurit49jgm vnffgd.c,,krwlNiubvtiu;n

uh, alrighty then.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
what the sam hill are you talking about?

EVERYONE knows that the injuns are the best goddamn drunks on the planet.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

yes, because they get so fucking sick when the booze wears off that they drink again so they don't feel like they are dying. That is why so many Indians are alcoholics. Seriously, their livers can't metabolize booze. I have been hospitalized twice with alcohol poisoning and I didn't drink any more than my peers.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

poor goddammn injuns got doublefucked with that one.

me best friend my senior year in highschool was navajo. we never drank nothin, i should look him up for a night of drinking to test that.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

You didn't drink in Highschool? Huh. Did you live near Navajo Nation?

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

My real name is Neil Sedaka and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop calling me. I've changed my number, like, ten times and you always manage to find it again.

I will settle for an Internet fling that goes wrong though. Email me!

 

Blogger pisscock mcgee is a gaywad.

dear sir-

I tried this twice, being in dire need of some sort of mystical guidance these days. The first attempt, eyes closed, hands crossed, etc... somehow found me hitting nothing but the "a" key. Ten fingers mind you. I tried again. The second time, my completely blind and randomly typed message was the following. I present it verbatim as it flowed from my fingers, in entirety.

"anvosf8ivp938qru;qwrBC, you have been correct for the past few years of your life and the most gracious gift you are capable of presenting to your fellow man is the one that sees you swaying gently in the breeze of a nearby air conditioning vent, hanging dead by your neck in the closet of whoever's house you are staying in right now. It's unfortunate I know, but tough love is sometimes the most fulfilling. There is no shortage of Losers in America, and since we all know you hate the likes of them, you would be doing yourself a service by removing your presence from the race of men. Victory begins at home, no? Before we finish here, I should also let you know that you have had AIDS for the past four years and didn't know it, and also you have some sort of late-blooming form of Down's Syndrome, which should start rearing its ugly head in the next six months or so. Hope you have always wanted a bigger forehead. Anyway, you're about to stop typing so all I have left to say is Peace in your soul, Love in your cornhole. It's a funny thing, you know... that this time is the one tha"

And that is all. I thought this was a pretty goddamn eeire thing, and I am wondering if you can explain this. Totally random you say? I don't know what kind of black arts you're toying with, but I'd implore you to keep it on your own coast. That's all.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

mr. mcgee,
i will now do my best to decipher the cryptic messages within your channeled spazz typed revelation.


"anvosf8ivp938qru;qwrBC,

right off the bat we have "qwrBC" this of course means that you are gay.

you have been correct for the past few years of your life and the most gracious gift you are capable of presenting to your fellow man is the one that sees you swaying gently in the breeze of a nearby air conditioning vent, hanging dead by your neck in the closet of whoever's house you are staying in right now. It's unfortunate I know, but tough love is sometimes the most fulfilling. There is no shortage of Losers in America, and since we all know you hate the likes of them, you would be doing yourself a service by removing your presence from the race of men. Victory begins at home, no?

this part see's you finding work as some kind of an air conditioning repair man , either that or you'll be a modern day gay tropical santa claus utilizing air conditioning vents in lieu of chimenys.


Before we finish here, I should also let you know that you have had AIDS for the past four years and didn't know it,

this means that you have some kind of little helpers available, this would follow the last section. look for a group of midgets following you closely. utilize their services. put them to work. they can at the very least hand you tools and buy you drinks.

and also you have some sort of late-blooming form of Down's Syndrome, which should start rearing its ugly head in the next six months or so.

I'm not familiar with this flower, but as everyone knows, as the holidays are fast upon us, having a crop of late blooming flora as a resoource can't possibly be bad. i can see a floral delivery service complete with elves emerging -- cant you?

Hope you have always wanted a bigger forehead.

apparently you will not only grow richer with your new carrer as a santa like florist, but you will grow smarter, either that or your basic male pattern baldness will continue it's regular course.

Anyway, you're about to stop typing so all I have left to say is Peace in your soul, Love in your cornhole. It's a funny thing, you know... that this time is the one tha"

this is all self explanatory -- goes with the initial gay revelation.

well, there ya go pal. looks good. you're a lucky gay tropical santa florist. awesome. send pics of the cute little midgets when you round'em up.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

xdio;iiep 096i5 ;0 97[09650i 09[96r096

Whatever...

Dude, a WEEOP is where you put your weeeg!

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Hey Merkley, this is completely off topic but I have to ask. I just finished watching the O'Reilly Factor and he was talking about how the Folsom Street Festival (SP?) is harming the public's opinion of gay people. He then said that in San Francisco you can do anything. By do anything he meant no law enforcemnent. He said in San Francisco "you can shoot heroin in the streets and urinate and defecate in the public parks." He meant law enforcement will do nothing about it...Is this true? And, if so, why do you live in that fucked up place?

Inquiring mind wants to know...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
yes, it's gross. gavin newsom is cleaning it up a bit and the fairs and whatnots are self contained. you don't have to run into them if you don't want.

this city has it's problems, but there is far more that is great about it. so it all works out.

a wise man once said, if something is bothering you, you're just not ignoriing it enough.

well, i'm good at ignoring things

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

this is the best religion ever. i can't wait until you get drunk and spazz type 20 comments again for i will surely see my entire future laid out for me. it had better involve marrying burt reynolds and amassing a collection of porcelain animals.

 

Blogger Ben is a gaywad.

Hey son, it's been a while since I checked in on your blog. Here's to hoping it's going to be another long while!

My humble opinion: More tits, less talk.

Ben Merkley aka your father

 

Blogger Willy Jo is a gaywad.

er ah hmm
ah er ah
well ah
hmm er ahhhh

oot

 

Blogger 1 is a gaywad.

falsjdf;ohjaosdfln
sdlf;jasodfh
;al;kksjdfj

ha!
afashdfoyasd
sfalshdfo

Ti==

adhgfiaysidfgh

Oh shit, I kill me.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

,msz,lgdsz;z
fdz
gkczkjlcxgz;l'?Al;kfdl;kcxz
xjlkcxlcxlkjvccxl;z vfvbsrtcuygvcghbuycidor9eauzdsks
fdizfyvvdvnaprhe93o4jsnvhiscfgduxf

buy his nap?

for how much?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

whatever my ass --- yours starede out with xdio, as in ronnie james. do not doubt the power.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

francine,
i shall return with drunken skits played out in the comments section of your blog -- everyone elses too for that matter.

you can rely on it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

fake ben,
i agree. boobs. will post more.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

willy jo,

it's just yer basic spirits n'whats

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gd,
you didnt cross your hands

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

It appears you have the backing of 4 whole (or partial) people for the position of Grand High Pretard.

As that's all of my readership I think we can safely assume that 100% of the earths population wants you for the job.

Congratulations you PreTardness.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
thanks dude.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Merkley

here is my final attempt. If this doesn't work out, I shall surley kill myself.


A VGDEARwpi
AFB
s valsnbw
" nSIUBGPXYNZ;XF
BaSD
FASDGASNHZD;OFBNMDSTRJGZ NV
ZXB VJHULKJFD /KMHA
AS AS[IKNHVZ LKFC
A
[E'PHS
TGJUS/DKY]IHPO40
[OHADS
FH[IS
DKJAEJS['LGDJK
SGD
JH



PLEASE INTERPRET FOR ME.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married,

DEAR, AFB, val, GAS, ST, NV
VJ HULK AS A HAD IS

those are your words.

air force base in nv, saint valentine, hulk is a vj, abd a bunch of those one words we need to make sentences and shit.

i think you know what this means.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

anygxvcobalskjbA;iytgsdfj
asfhbkinsd asd
rtgashfd
gars[9otjfr;knb



Interpretation: Thanks for saving my life.

 

Post a Comment

A Poop Fell...

Out of my butt and I named it East Coast Bloggers.

Here is my impression of east coast blogging etiquette:

merkley???: Yeah, boy oh boy, you're right! Your penisish thingamabob deal really is clam-like!

EastCoastBlogger: (silence, stares forward)

merkley???: ha ha.

EastCoastBlogger: (silence, checks watch)

merkley???: ha?

EastCoastBlogger: (silence, smells armpit)

merkley???: Yeah, umm anyway, I just noticed all the arrows you drew pointing at your clam-like penisish dealie and the sign that says "comments" right underneath the little clammy fella so, you know, just thought I'd, you know, comment on your clam-like penisish type dealie.

EastCoastBlogger: (silence, changes into a pink shirt)

merkley???: Well o........k......... then, .....................see ya round. (Under his breath) fucking smug fucking freak fucking bastard.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught trying to bring every day common courtesies onto the craaaaazzzzyyy web! That wouldn't work. The web is crrrraaaaaazyyyyyy -- it's all anonymous and shit, you can be a total dick and not get punched in the face like you did every day growing up!
Your Personal Etiquette Coach,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous gaby mighty ocean wind is a gaywad.

oh you quit picking fights.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Dude, if they can't appreciate a brilliant sicko like you, then I say Fuck em...or tell me where you were, cuz they sounds classy.

 

Anonymous Squid is a gaywad.

WOW! I thought the whole east coast vs. west coast thing was just for surfers and (c)rap(p) "stars"...
Who knew it had reached to the world of bloggerdumb...

Remember, arguing with someone on the internet is like winning a medal at the special olympics. You may get the gold, but in the end, you're still "mentally challenged".


Word verif: "frfrt" -> just missing 2 a's and 1 t...

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

I never knew where Chicago fit in the east coast west coast thing.

That's okay. We're just patiently waiting until tsunamis and hurricanes drown both the coasts.

muahaha

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
make me.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
they are all just a bunch of insecure assholes with ass cancer.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,
i read your blog fight over at elvira's joint.

sometimes it's fun to fight. it was a pretty good one i must say.

the internet -- punch in the balls first, ask insincere questions later.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,
chicago is windy.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

does canada count???

sometimes i'm struck senseless by your irreverant mirth whereby I must immediately roll a joint, smoke it, eat a lot and fall asleep having forgetton the all important commenting.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

oh yeah...and I forget how to spell too...

 

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September 25, 2005

Be-cause The Gaaayy-yest, Love of All, Is Hap-puh-neen To Peeeee.




















That's all for now.
Don't get caught flicking boogers at specified targets because it's way harder than you'd think and it's not like the supply of boogers is endless so you really do have to concentrate and you might even be tempted to get the booger back to try again and that's just a bad idea all together.
Your Stopwatch and Silver Dollar Stealing, Hooky Playing, Baker of The Century,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

The booger flicking thing is good fun. I remember my cousins (all boys) playing that game and laughing like crazy. Although, they may have been flicking them on me...or each other, either way it was hysterical.

Just the other day in the car I stuck my finger up Squid's nose to annoy him while waiting at a light. He then stuck his finger up my nose, I told him not to, cuz I will win. He did it anyway and I blew snot on him. He had it on his hand while driving and I was cracking up. Then he played like it was super gross, and he was mad so I licked it off his hand...Is that bad?

Hey, he and I play grosser than gross all the time...I always win.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

there is NO WAY you licked it off. please say it isn't so.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Oh yes she did. Shit like that just ain't in the marriage handbook. I figured she'd just lick her finger and stick it in my ear, not blow snot all over my hand. Live and learn, live and learn.

I never did like booger flicking. I preferred to hone my spitting skills. In "The Outlaw Josie Wales", Clint was always spitting tobacco juice on bugs and lizards. This movie greatly influenced my young life...

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Hey, it was my snot, it came from my body. I was probably going to sniffle it away anyway.

We're married, trust me when I say there isn't many bodily fluids we haven't shared or seen...that is the problem with being human. Fluids.

It's not like I ate a chewed up Big Mac off his tongue...

 

Anonymous shelia mighty ocean wind is a gaywad.

i'd pretend to trip and wipe my boogers on someone's back. there's terrific video footage of me wiping my boogers on some girl at my kindergarten graduation.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

I am putting together a mix tape for you, bro. I feel that you need some blog drama music to, you know, help you adjust. I don't have all of them yet, but here's what I've got so far:
Poison - Alice Cooper;
Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division;
Bloodstains - Agent Orange;
I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Riatt;
The Bitch Song - Bowling for Soup;
Get Your Shit Together - Danger Danger;
Actually, the whole Danger Danger - SCREW IT album...

I hope to be able to get this together for you soon. Can I have your address? Maybe I'll just deliver it myself...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
time for me to vomit.

yay!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

sheila,

yes, the old wipe and run. classic.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

dude -- rad bro, n'shit dude bro.

 

Post a Comment

September 21, 2005

No Matter what They Take From Me, They Can't Take Away My Dig-Nuh-Teeeee!




















That's all for now.
Don't get caught trying to choose between: Wipes her butt with the towels in the bathroom, Licks spoons and puts them back in the drawer, and Puts her teeth in the fridge!
Your Favorite Brother of The Inventor of The Fart Phone™,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yes. he actually puts his mouth on the hose into which he just farted.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

I ate a ladybug too.
It tasted like grass.
And then orange stuff came out of my nose.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,
the ladybug i ate was very bitter -- maybe it was a bad one. i sure didn't like it.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I love ladybugs, murderer.

Did someone pop the bb out of your brother's head? I hope you learned your lesson young man!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
it was actually my younger brother who shot my older step-brother in the head.

the older stepbrother used to be the most charming , good looking, popular young men around. unfortunately, he is now addicted to numerous drugs and unable to maintain normal conversation. i don't think it had anything to do with the bb, but tremendously sad nonetheless.

perfect fodder for joking.

especially for a heartless son-of-a-bitch like me.

i'm like a robot of death. no feeling, and i hate will smith.

learn it.

 

Blogger chwecko is a gaywad.

Its funny Merkley??? Until you mentioned it, it didnt even occur to me that putting your mouth on the hose was the gross part about the "fart phone."

I'll go to work on a special anti-backflow mouth piece for insertion into the end of the hose after farting.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

brother chweck,
it's a zillion dollar idea. worth every second of development.
we're talking the end of violence and aggression.

although flames would be a plus.

i showed dad his first blue dart when he was fifty five plus. i have witnessed the laugh power of the flaming. amazing, fart first-hand.

DO NOT UNDERPLAY YOUR MIRACULOUS INVENTION!

I am here to help.

i believe in you.

 

Blogger chwecko is a gaywad.

Yeah I was there for that historical blue dart. HB was on his back laughing and kicking his legs like a little girl. He really didnt know they were possible.

I have to keep up with consumers' insatiable thirst for new technologies. "Dart Phone" is in R&D as we speak

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Do not, I repeat, do NOT play with 'fart fire', in a distant time a kid on the school bus where I went, whipped down his dacks and lit a fart which melt his nylon underwear to his ball sack. it was the first and last time the only stop on the way to school was the hospital.

The same kid 10 months later threw up into a bottle and drank it for a bet. No-one paid him.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

chwecko,
holy shit!
you are sooo right! i totally forgot that you came down with dad that night. the memory of his first blue dart and that look on his face and that rolling kicking laughter has eclipsed everything else.

one of the best father son outings in the history of humankind without a doubt. i am so glad you remembered.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
i have lit thousands of farts with not one serious injury. the benefits far outweigh the risks.

for a few months i lived in a flat with four dudes and it was mandated that all farts should be lit on fire.

now those are some good memories.

families who fart fire together, stay together.

i know i am right about that.

 

Blogger chwecko is a gaywad.

Satan,

Relax. Your disproportionate fear is fed by too many urban legends. "Dart Phone" (Registered Trademark) will be safe, sanitary and most importantly, clean-burning.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Oh you say that now!

But you just wait until the nylon melted ball sack come explosive nasal hair law suits come rolling in. I hope you at least have contingency planning. We all know what happens when you don't. That's right... You fart in a phone and New Orleans is wiped out and can't feed it's people properly. Well at least that's what happened to me during your product testing.


PS. It's not an urban myth, the kids name was Dane and was two seats down from me. Melted Ball sack shreik... Mmmmmm....

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I have never seen a fart on fire. I really think I will get my husband to do that for me this evening...no nylon ball sack sticking though. ewww..

"milk wankin", the Word verification, I notice it now that Satan brought it to my attention. It's actually "mlkwkn", but I believe it's pronounced, milk wankin.

 

Blogger chwecko is a gaywad.

Satan,

Go back to ENCOURAGING people to play with fire. The caution doesn't suit you.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Perhaps this has been explained earlier, but where did you get access to an unlimited supply of elementary school yearbook photos?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,
google image search.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
important instructions.

lie on back.

legs in air as if in stirrups.

use index finger of one had to locate the anus.

make sure to put the flame of the lighter just below the anus and not close enough to burn your clothing. also, if you put it too high, the fart will just blow it out.

make sure you are wearing natural fibers, because as it has been discussed, anything that can melt, might, i have seen it, usually with no injuries but still, who needs a hole in their undies?

your life is about to change for the better.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

ladybug eater is totally adorable. adorable in a im going to kick you as far as they eye can see sort of way.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lyds,
you kick that kid and i'll kill a penguin with drano.

that's not a warning, that's an idea.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Thanks for the post Merkley. Now I know why my wife wants me to get my anus bleached. I'd rather eat a ladybug salad and take a bb to the head while getting a hatchet job. Thanks man, thanks. Although, the wax strip would make a nice throw rug.

madlfn <---word verif.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Oh and having your anus bleached, CAN take away your dig-nutty...

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Dude, you just totally told me to locate my anus with my index finger. while my legs are up in the air...hehehehe, omigod, that is hysterical!

I am soooo writing you 300 e-mails now! I can't stop laughing my sides hurt...hehehehehehe!!

 

Blogger Willy Jo is a gaywad.

jesus h

wat in the name of gawd is goin on with thisn heer blob of yers?

you sum kinda weerdo? if so, thats ok. i like weerdos

 

Blogger trish is a gaywad.

I ate a grasshopper two days ago...was pretty tasty. But its legs kept getting caught in my teeth...

 

Post a Comment

September 14, 2005

If I Fail, If I Suck Pee, at Least I Did as I Believe!




















That's all for now.
Don't get caught lying and saying your sister stole your Nerf football when it was you who stole her stuffed duck because it worked way better than the Nerf football which was just too big.
Your Resourceful Do-It-Yourself Sex Toys For Children Specialist,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

So would that be pressed duck?

How about: "I tried to feed a rabbit pellet to a cat but it wouldn't eat it so I stuck it in it's ear."?

OR

"I tried to see if it's true that cat's always land on their feet. They don't. 'nuff said."

I overheard my nephews talking and that's what they said...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

those are both good ones squid.

i still have a lot of them that come from home, but i have been noticing that it's taking me longer and longer to remember them.

i just gotta finish whitney's song. that's all.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

(insert a young negress picture here)

"I tried to see what a peehole looked like by cutting my brother's off with a butterknife. Now I'm locked up with nobody to save me from Delta, the really fat lady that likes it when I lick her privates"

 

Blogger ScaryCheri is a gaywad.

I think I need a stuffed duck

 

Blogger ScaryCheri is a gaywad.

Squid.....my older brother and I stuffed a dead cat we found into my neighbors gas tank when we were kids. The tail hung out of the gas cap for weeks before anyone noticed it.

thanks for brining out one of my better childhood memories....heh

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

mm,
one upper. damn you.

ha ha.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

scary,
the gas tank story is great.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

I do what I can. I think that you unintentionally tone it down when you are posting it on a real picture of a real kid. Me, on the other hand, I can just say (insert picture of a young negress) and it's not so personal because the black beauty isnt staring right at me.

Also, when I was a kid, I made my cousin Jack play with my dingdong anytime he wanted me to share my He-Man toys. It was a nice arrangement until he got upset when he found out I was bribing his older sister the same way, and tied me down to the table and made my weenis go into my anus. It hurt then, but now, it's a habbit. Kinda like jerking it off over Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

these are funny. bringing me back to my childhood, a whole two years ago.

 

Blogger ScaryCheri is a gaywad.

yeah, I recently brought it up around my sister in law, who just happens to be one of "those" cat people.

I was like "Hey Dan, remember when we stuffed that dead cat into that guys gas tank...."

The story didn't go over well, but I don't care...I was 7 and bored and we just happened upon a dead cat

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

That dirt clot must have been big or it was thrown very, very hard to break someone's ribs, even if there was a rock in it.

My Mom works for AFLAC, she has bunches of AFLAC ducks in all sizes, shall I hook you up?

 

Anonymous heather is a gaywad.

please, please find her grade school picture and doctor it up with this story. PLEASE. you know you want to.

a grateful nation will thank you. or, at least, i will.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married.
can i get a video instruction on how to do that? i have always wondered if it was possible

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
you're STILL a teenager ie child. some of these things may very well be in your immediate future.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

scary,
i liked the grasshopper story on your blog too.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

heather,
you find me her picture and i'll do it. afterall YOU are her stalker Not Me.

 

Anonymous heather is a gaywad.

i stalk no-one, merkley.

i merely research, then plagiarize...uh, i mean, parody. yeah, that's it. parody.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

yeah, its true. yesterday i froze a piDgeon cause i though it would be reanimated today, but it wasnt, so i left it on the kitchen table.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

i fed my dog a wet papertowel and he ate the whole thing. and then when he died of leukemia 2 years later and my mom cried i swore i would never tell her i killed her dog with a papertowel.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

heather,
i have forwarded your confession on to stephanie's lawyer. you are officially fucked for the second time.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

francine,
and so then, ummm something happened with the roll and then there was a cover-up and many people planned the leukemia paper towel murder and that's how you have your blog.

i'm glad you cleared that up.

 

Anonymous heather is a gaywad.

the second time?

i don't remember getting fucked the first time. was it good? i always fucking miss these things. dammit.








(you didn't really, did you? because that would make you a total dob-artist. and that is so not cool. you totally want her, huh?)

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

FINE! No fucking AFLAC ducks for you. You try and be nice and get a friend a gift, but, NNNOOOO, not even a "Fuck no Wendy, I don't wan't no plushie, cozy ducks that yell AFLAAACCCC when you hump 'em, Gaybob."

Fine, see if I ever offer to do something nice again, you perv.

Beside, there a limited number of the ducks my Mom can give out to non paying AFLAC customers, and I am not giving you MINE because they are really cool. So, it's actually a moot point.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holy crap wendy,
i totally missed the afflac comment.

yes. i want four of the moot point variety.

and yes, i hucked the shit out of that dirt clod, although i suspect that the whole story about that little wench's broken rib was a bunch of baloney designed to teach us all a lesson about dirt clod wars.

 

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September 13, 2005

I Decided Long Ago, Never to Crap In Any Fag's Shadow!




















That's all for now.
Don't get caught revealing all of your screwed up, speed-freak step brother's family dog hand job secrets even though Maury Povich isn't offering you a free flight to wherever the fuck he tapes his stupid show and besides, it's kinda sad how fucked up your step-brother is, but whatever, like any of the step-family even fucking knows how to use a computer anyway, yeah right -- oh yeah, but what about the step-neices and nephews? -- Yeah, like they are gonna Google looking for uncle merkley???, ain't gonna happen.
Your Cat Turd/Nutt Specialist,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger pocketsdumbfat is a gaywad.

is your dog dead yet?

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

My pockets are full of boogers.
I got sick and they were too green to eat.

And yeah, Rollins was a bit of a fuckscab. Like a screaming public service announcement with fading tattoos.

"Partnership for a drug free America RRRRRR!!!!!!"

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

You have a really good memory. I know crap like this happened when I was groing up with sometimes 7 cousins living in the house...mostly boys. I just can't remember.

Thanks for the booger tip.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

pocketsdumbfat,

interesting name you have.

you mean the family dog that was handjobbed by the step-brother? yes. he died over 10 years ago. got hit by a car like the freethinker he was.

but also, if you were referring to recent posts about chico, he is a goner too. he never got a handjob from nobody, poor fella.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,
we don't use gross descriptive language like that on this blog. thank you.

i told you about rollins -- snoresville usa. glad you agree.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
you can thank my brother dan for the booger tip, that was his deal. he was regularly chastised by the family for that trick and he defended it every time as resonable and sanitary. it still makes me want to vomit just thinking about it.

dan turned out to be quite an excellent man. i love him. he lives in italy. too far.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

grooooodyyyy handjob tale...

catpoop girl is one ugly child too. grodies all around!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
gross it is and twice as true.

my mother didn't tell me about it until years later, truthfully, she probably shouldn't have. but how can you NOT tell that story to someone else? it's an unkeepable secret.

 

Anonymous Bunkley??? is a gaywad.

That last kid looks like some kind of a freakish white/asian hybrid.

The kind of shit you only see in sci-fi flicks.

 

Anonymous Squid is a gaywad.

Boogers are just body temperature oysters, man.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,
or the other way around is more like it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bunks,
definitely the product of drunken teen sex for sure.

two sets of upset grandparents. he'll end up selling jeans or cologne.

 

Blogger chwecko is a gaywad.

>Ahem!<...Nice recovery, dude.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

chweck,
ha ha.

 

Post a Comment

September 11, 2005

Let The Children's Laughter Remind Us How We Used To Be




















That's all for now.
Don't get caught being ambushed by your own sister's 10 year old vagina and then resorting to violence because you almost barfed.
Your 8 Year Old, Reluctant, Reactionary Gynecologist,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

"I farted just as I went to take a dump because I had to crapp really badly and I couldn't escape it so I kinda farted in my own face."

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,
sorry to hear it.

you should really be more careful.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

"Reactionary Gynecologist"...that cracks me up.

The parakeet thing is sad though, so is the bunny thing.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Squid, Really did not want to know that...gross.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
luckily, we never bonded with that parakeet. he was a biter -- his karma was all fucked up.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

once we killed some baby birds, and like your bunny, one had a fucked up leg upon death too.


spooky little critters baby birds are. all bald and shit.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
not to mention the creepy fucking buggy eyeballs with the transparent eyelids.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

It's hard for me to imagine my perky girls turning into saggy jell-o salamis. But I guess it's bound to happen sometime. Unless I resort to regular reconstructive surgury to keep them ageless and firm.

You know, after I've ensured my anus is good and bleached.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

poopee,
i'm not joking, those things were like two fat boneless, handless arms hanging straight down as she bent over to scoop them up in her hammocks,

i was so like all ---whhhhooooooaaaa, what the...

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

All this is too friggen funny, fucked up karma, and saggy boobs...hehehe, hey it's coming to us all, saggy bits. That is why old men walk funny, they are trying to keep from racking themselves with their knees...

 

Anonymous borkborkbork is a gaywad.

Wendy,

Does a man's cock grow as he gets to be geriatric??? I certainly hope so! Something to look forward to...

 

Blogger William Bunkton is a gaywad.

Fuck who am I kidding.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bunks,
you ain't kiddin nobody, we know. we know allllll about it. but it's ok because you really didn't need your dick anyway. to hell with it. almost everyone hear has had a body part mangled by a badger at one time or another. if you talk about it, it only gets worse but that's cool because at a certain point you can use the puss as hair gel.

hair gel is fucking expensive. fucking arabs.

don't forget,

mangled puss dick or not, you are always welcome here.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

oh yeah and bunks,
i missed you so bad i cut my arms up with razor blades and now i'm addicted to robitussin.

don't ever leave me like that again.

 

Blogger A.K.A.B.U. is a gaywad.

frigen great shite! love these posts.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thank you blogger unknown!

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

I know what you mean Merkley. When I was 14, my cousin and I were great-grandmother sitting. And had to help our 96 year-old great-grandmother wipe herself up after going potty.

When she was yound she was 5'3" and weighed 200lbs. At 96 she was 4'10" and weighed 85 pounds.

SO. MUCH. WRINKLY. SKIN.

**shudder**

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I accidently took too much Robitussin once...man, that was a tough couple of hours. I don't know why these kids now days think that is so much fun. Back in my day we stuck with the normal drugs...coke, pot, and liquor.

 

Anonymous Ugly Bunkton is a gaywad.

I just had to do a talk on sexual harassment in class, and I drew on the whiteboard,'The Lamb of Innocence' to personify the victim, 'The Penis of Hate' to represent the offender, and the 'Hammer of Justice' to represent the authorities. The Penis of Hate strokes itself on the Lamb of Innocence's soft curly locks, and is thus sqaushed by the Hammer of Justice.
it was a 'hoot'.

^ True story. Happened half an hour ago.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bunks,
did "the lamb of yeah whatever" slip in the blood of "the penis of well she started it?"

the lamb should have to clean it up for being such a slut in the first place.

then a joke about mc hammers craaaaazy pants.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I've always said those lambs wear their wool mini skirts too damned short. Their asking for it.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

now if i was a cow i'd rather have a hairy monkey try to stick his tender friend in me sphinc than cut me into pieces and grind my flesh between his teeth but that's just me and i'm really fucked after all...

yay i can post
yay

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

anonymous posting is dumb but...

hmmmn. ok -- sure, uh, sounds reasonable. cows sure are lucky to have such understanding folks as your self speaking on their behalf, i'm not so sure about the monkeys.

 

Anonymous Bunkley??? is a gaywad.

Animals.

 

Post a Comment

September 08, 2005

Give Them a Sense of Pride, You Know, To Make It Easier




















That's all for now.
Don't get caught lying and saying it was a weed eater when it was really just a rake and it didn't actually land ON the rake but it was really really close!
Your Former Balcony Pooper Offer Champion's Brother,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

ah, poop, pee and dying plants. Awesome, I was getting sick of your smart posts.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
yeah well you just watch it, cause i'll go genius on your ass any second.

seriously, like math n'shit n'like stuff about ummm famous jews and ummm tall birds with glasses and shoes!

it's a fact.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

When I was in 5th grade, I one peed myself at my desk about 2 seconds after thinking, "oh no".

I didn't have a change of clothes and was forced to wear a pair of sweatpants from the lost and found.

Turned out I had a wicked bladder infection. Three days later I got my first period.

Ahhhh...memories...

Thanks Merkley.

 

Anonymous Squid is a gaywad.

In Boy Scouts I used to climb trees to take a dump. It's fun dumping out of a tree. Too bad there was no rake underneath...

And, yeah, I've been paterning my whole life to be more like you! Didn't you LOOK at my profile? What are you running for mayor of New Orleans or something?

Thou shalt not commit adulthood. Thou shall not let anything deter you from your quest for ALL - ALL!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,

yeah, pooping out of trees! fun, i almost forgot about that.

once in boy scouts me and a pal pooped on another dudes lean to.

ha ha.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

poopee,
is fith grade early for that? did you already have boobs?

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Once in fifth grade...

Nah, I never pooped off anything high... mmmm.... I'll be back...

 

Anonymous gab is a gaywad.

this reminds me


when i was in the fourth grade, i lifted my brother's pillow and peed underneath it and then blamed it on our (brilliant, pillow lifting and replacing) dog.

 

Blogger amanwithanenormouspeniswhojustwantstobeloved is a gaywad.

Hey bud just got your email i'm gonna post something soon. Don't call it a comeback.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

well...it's kinda early. I was 11. There was an inkling of budding breastases. It wasn't until I turned 12 that I was taken to the Kmart to try on my first bra. By 14 I was a B-cup. And now they are glorious C's.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

so glad to see someone writing about fecal matter as much as me (i prefer diarrhea myself, that is, when i'm not too busy writing about paris hilton's vagina).

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Hi Merkley???, jodifosterturkey baster was wondering when you'd show up again. He's worried that you will hunt him down and throw him back into that French Prison.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
well, you ain't dead yet. get climbing.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gab,
nice.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

enormouspenisdude,
well, it'd be about time.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

poopee,
i like stories about boobs.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

francine,
i just got back from your site. it's fucking great.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

mm,
french prison? you mean a bag of cheese farts?

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

Dear Merkley,

I have loved your boogery, poopy, jizz slurping blog since I first stumbled onto it from Blurbomat sometime last Spring.

You're great. You used to be, anyway.

"Pure Ugliness, Popcorn and the KKK" made me stand up and cheer. I was that kid, too.

"Prepaid Karma" made me want to fly.

"An Ostrich, a chicken and a 3lb. booger" simultaneously made me laugh and sick to my stomach.

"Satan, Jesus, and a 2lb. booger" made me mad.

I can't remember the name of the Terry Schiavo essay, but it turned me from a pro-choice person to a pro-life person.

Some of the other stuff made me hot. I won't say which stuff. That's my business

Your words have power. It makes me sick that you have declined in the way you have recently.


It's just hate, hate, hate. I'm talking about your support for this stupid Francine Ocelot(is this even a real person?)person.

I know that I will piss every Merkley lover off by saying this, but I think that you have changed for the worse. You are not the thinking person you used to be.

You used to write some really great shit.

And if someone chimes in telling me to get a sense of humor, my response is that not everything is funny just because you call it a joke.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

francine,
don't listen to paula, lord knows i don't, she's bananas. your stuff is funny as hell.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

Merkley,

You can take the little boy out of the narrow-minded, racist, sexist, Jesus/Joseph Smith-worshiping environment, but you can't take the narrow minded, racist, sexist, Jesus/Joseph Smith-worshiping thought pattern out of the little boy.

You are a Morman man through and through.

Francine's stuff sucks rotten tomatoes.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

One more thing...

That joke you made, "Walking on Sunshine"? In my opinion, when you say such things, you're no better than Jesse Jackson or Kanye West. I can't stand those two rabble rousers. Like them, you are taking advantage of a bad situation to advance your own political agenda.

At best, Merkley, you're a reactionary. But you're not an individualist, as you claim to be. As I believed you to be.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Paula, turn me on to the Merkley stuff that made you hot...

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

I'm sure he has it saved on a disk somewhere, Wendy.

He's quite a good writer.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Terry Schiavo and Walking on Sunshine are two of the best posts I've ever read. Granted, the 5lb booger story was great too, but really how can you top a 5lb booger?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,
bros before hos.
squid rules.

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

Are these kids from your year book or something? Or did you specifically ask them to pose for these?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

snakey,
they are just random google image search bastards.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

You're not refering to me as a "ho" are you?

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Paula, I have read every single post in the archives. If it's here I have read it.

And, you enjoy Merkley's writing, why attack him?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
only in the classiest way, um or something... ha ha.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Paula, one more thing in the sense of fairness, on your blog site you have a post where you ask folks to come up with racial slurs for Jesse Jackson, talk about "hate, hate, hate." Some could say you are doing the same thing you are accusing Merkley of...

Also, I read the stuff at Francine's site and I don't see what the big deal is. Do you think she is insulting Mexicans? She herself said she is Hispanic.
I like you and I think you are a smart chick, but you take life too seriously.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Paula, One more thought and I am done. I believe there is roomm for debate at any site. I love nothing more than a well thought out thought. But when you start calling people names to try to injure them, or to try to get to their soft spot, I don't think that is cool.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
all together now...

al

ko

hawl.

also, my soft spot only like lasted till i was a year old, but man oh man, for that first year, it was all i could do to not jab my own finger in there.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Merkley, that is what I meant by soft spot...did you think I meant something else.

Beside, I was only a ho that one time, and Robert Redford paid me big bucks, so it's all good.

Al ko hawl...is it wrong to want booze at 10:30 in the morning?

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

I feel that it is my duty to say something here. A mediator of some sort I will be. The reason that I feel that it is my duty, is that like Merkley???, I piss people off on a regular basis. And because Merkley and I still need to play a real game of "grosser than gross", I think that it would be a match to end all matches.

In Merkley???'s defence I will say this:

I love licking the shit off of dead dog's asshole's and than kissing dying grandpa's on the mouth at the nursing home while my gerbal tries to find it's way out of my bloody anus.

Did that help at all?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married man,
no that didn't help you jerk off son of a bitch, what we need here is money! we don't need anymore diapers or moist towlettes.

CASH BITCH!

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

I just re-read Paula "love letter". Is it true, Merkley? Do you have a political adgenda? Where do you stand on the key issues? Would you have voted for Jello Biafra in the 1978 mayoral race in S.F.? Where do you stand on the key issues? For God's sake man, the elections are drawing nearer! Oh wait...It was just gas, my bad...

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Merkley???,

I just discovered that you have a myspace profile. That is so gay.

Oh, and looking on myspace for other people's profiles... so not gay.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

and kids, don't fight! you're tearing me APART!!!!

 

Anonymous mcczarina is a gaywad.

Wow. What a site. Can't figure out if you're a breath of fresh air or a whiff of morning cat shit breath. But either way, dude, I like it! Except where you link to djblurb, that fucking twat.

Oh, and I'm cool with Jesus Christ, too, unlike yous. But the djblurb part? Bothers me mostest.

Love your photos and paintings. Amazing stuff.

 

Post a Comment

September 07, 2005

Terry Schiavo Could Have Survived Katrina

It's a scientific fact that retards float face up and we all saw how Terry Schiavo plugged away in all her slobbery (then less slobbery) vegetable glory for two weeks without a feeding tube -- and SHE DIDN'T COMPLAIN! What a trooper.




Hey , I just thought of something for rest homes: WATER WINGS! NOODLES TOO! OH OH OH, and WATER WEENIES JUST FOR FUN!

and don't forget:







That's all for now,
Don't get caught floating face up cuz people will call you Water Tard. It's scientifically proven, I swear.
Your Swearing Scientific Prover,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Al Gore is a gaywad.

You are a disgusting fucking piece of shit. I hope you suffer a similar death to those who perished in New Orleans.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Al,
You are getting fat.

That's all? Why can't I be smeared with honey and thrown to baby bears with aids?

Or umm, have my dick stretched and then be hung from the statue of libery with a puppy up my butt?

or umm, nibbled by a fishlipp pigbot until my bowels fill with raisins and shot out of a cannon shaped like al sharptons crooked yellow penis?

or umm, squashed by a 50 billion pound rabbit turd pooped out by heavenly fathers bunny rabbit only with a parrot squawking something about beverly hills cop "won't fall for the banana in the tail pipe"?

or um, wait -- maybe i could be shrunk down and stuck on the end of your fat stinky tounge and you could kiss your troll of a wife one more time and i could instantly be turned into a booger and swallowed, half by you and half by sluggy.

being killed in a flood when i had plenty of warning would be so gay.

ps, your new network sucks dog balls.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Stop!

Do the Schiavo:
http://photos4.flickr.com/9164114_3d403a7a38_m.jpg

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

It's amazing how many lukers are popping up to comment on your "social commentaries".

The thing is, they probably have been lurking all along and should know you're a sicko by now, why are they shocked? But, I have to say, it makes it really fun around here. hehehehe

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Allison, is one of those blond chicks you?

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

what if that douche Sean Penn had dropped the black guy? Would it be considered a hate crime?

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

oh man...that is so wrong on so many different levels, which is what makes it oh so deliciously HILARIOUS.
.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy
al gore has been up my ass for ages, that's not a figure of speech either, i stuck an al gore action figure up my butt in 2000 and i can't get it out because it's all sideways n'junk.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,
real cute.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

pooper,

yeah, you'll be laughing when your face is on fire in HELL!!

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Sean Douche Penn is aiding and abetting one of those fuckers who looted the stores?!

Gawd knows black people from New Orleans are so under-priviledged and set against by the government that they could never get shoes like that any other way. I just want to know where the Cops with the shoot-to-kill orders were when this was going on. Probaby holding back the legions of admiring Penn fans... OK, they were testing your floating-tard theory.

Merkley??? please lead us in a gay pride & prod parade against Sean Penn and his thieving 'non-Al Gore stuffed' ass.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
ha ha -- good one.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

It was seriously better than saying that while the locals looted store... Sean douche Penn looted negroes. 'Here's one I can set to work in me Kitchen, quick gettim in me boat' *Pulls sad douche face* 'Shit, I wish his shoes weren't the only thing that's clean. He seems to have burnt a hole in the bottom of me boat. Hand me ya cocktail glass.'

 

Anonymous gabrielle sarah is a gaywad.

i'd rather drown than be rescued by sean penn.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I bet ol' Al's beard tickles...considering where he is and all.

 

Post a Comment

September 06, 2005

Walking On Sunshine.

Reports are that the military is blasting "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and The Waves over loudspeakers in New Orleans to get the remaining stubborn black people to evacuate.

Truns out negroes can swim, they just need the proper motivation.




(Kevin Eubanks fake laughs then shoots Jay Leno in the neck.)


Jay Leno sucks worse than that joke. Admit it.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous ? is a gaywad.

You're such an asshole. Can't you come up with anything other than making fun of people who are in the middle of a fucking crisis? Enough with the far right Libertarian shit too. Deep down you must really hate yourself.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

?,

deep down, yes. I do hate myself, but that has very little to do with the fact that I like to make jokes in times of crisis.

Would you like to enlighten me on your wonderful methods of dealing with terrible news?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

and by the way,
I was more making fun of jay leno and terrible joke writers than I was stubborn motherfucking dillholes who choose to stay in New Orleans right now,

but,
truth be told, I'd probably be one of those stubborn jerks living in an upstairs room boiling my own pee and eating my own boogers and fingernails to survive. lord knows I don't like to be told what to do.

on a much much lighter note, aren't you glad you have that awesome stuck in your head now?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dear ?,

kinda odd that the one complaining on my silly blog right now is a person who logged on from:

158.70.109.123
Country United States
Region District Of Columbia
City Washington
ISP U.s. Dept. Of Health And Human Services

seriously, aren't you supposed to be doing something other than looking for tasteless hurricane humor on the internets?

are you on the clock right now? are my tax dollars paying you to complain about my blog when you should be actually doing something about the hurricane disaster?

fucking A.

am i surprised? is anyone?

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Holy crapp man, that is the funniest thing I have heard all day...meaning the guy from D.H.S.

Your joke was good too, I wonder how they came up with that song? There are so many whitey white white songs to choose from. I like "Windy" by the Association myself.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

oh, and "far right libertarian" does not compute in my head.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
government cogs aren't known for their high intelligence.

libertarian -- far right -- ha ha ha ha.

i'm an EXTREME MODERATE holmes, like, i fuckin ride a skate board but i like wear a suit and shit and like say shit about how jesus is a fag n'shit.

i really hope his comments here serve the general health of your average american human.

 

Anonymous ? is a gaywad.

Whoa, did I strike a nerve? FYI, I work pro bono a couple of days a week asshole. Why don't you try to do something productive with your time.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

?,
yeah, totally dude, you toally got me. no more jokes outta me.

pro bono -- whew, that's a relief, it's good to know that you only use the free internet connection to surf the web looking for insensitive meanies.

but you are right, i sould definitely do something PRODUCTIVE like you, maybe i'll surf on over to huffington post and call everybody an asshole.

that's the america i envision, an america of productive name calling!

hey wendy! you're a fag!

boy, you're right, that felt great! my self esteem is just flowing back, i feel unstoppable -- i'm calling evryone an asshole every minute of every day for the rest of all time and even then some.

boy, DID YOU EVER strike a nerve. a nerve of happiness and health and humanity.

i feel healthy and human for the first time in my life.

how can i ever repay you for your health and human service!!??

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Hey don't drag me into your fight with the nameless genius...you fag!

Ahh, you're right that felt awesome!

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

?- Merkley??? is an asshole. I totally agree with you, come check out my blog, where we talk about things other than this sick shit.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I would loooove to se ?'s face when he goes to Marriedman's site...hehehehe, shweet.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

marriedman,

dude, come on man, we're like posta stick tuhgether on this shat and like you know, you hold him down and i'll stick my weiner in his ear and then wendy pulls his hair and then you kiss him gently on his wrists and move your way up his arm and then give him a gentle kiss and then it gets all passionate and tounges start darting and i start farting and everybody exclaims in one humanistic voice: "Hooray hooray I have seen the way, violence and sex have saved the day! -- and three farts too!

and then we all spoon and think about being smashed by an earthquake.

who ever said i wasn't romantic? i can sense your wetness from here, that goes for all yall.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Sorry Merks, I see the question mark I have tatooed on the end of my wang has been posting here. I'll take him home and beat him with a high heel.

Hey, you're right, violence and sex have saved the day. Now if only those 3 farts would stop making me hungry for an egg sandwich.

Mmmm, did you know that speed laced egg sandwiches makes farts smell like strawberries!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
duh, of course i knew that, what do i look like, a govenment cog?

sheesh.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

I was just trying to trick the poor bastard. I did a special "crisis" report on my site, I thought it would be fun for him to see that.

I am wet, wet with glee. I'm also wet because I've been humping dead dogs in the big easy for like 5 days.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

mm,
at least i know that there is at least one person on this planet that can play "what's grosser than gross" with me and not wuss out.

yay for marriedman!

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

yay for you and yay for dead dogs getting humped in the middle of new orleans! at least they are "moist"

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Well No, you look more like a self-hating-speed-egg-sandwich-eating-far-right-Libertarian-strawberry-farting-unproductive asshole. But at least you let me film you fucking a moist big easy dead dog for two bucks and a quart of gin.

I distilled that gin from my fetid anal mucous BTW, that's where it got it's faint hint of strawberry.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

mmmmmmm, anal mucous gin. My favorite!

 

Anonymous Squid is a gaywad.

Dude, like totally wear a condom when fucking a dead dog. You could get a maggot stuck in your peehole. That's WAY worse than bubble bath, IMHO. And, the news reports say diarhea is rampant so you don't need to bring any anal lube.

Is ? one of your bastard children, Merkley???? It seems it left off the Merkley?? moniker. Anyway, instead of pro bono-ing free internet access on my taxpayer provided computer, read a book or educate yourself about who really is to blame for the disaster in New Orleans...THE FRENCH!

Which (finally) brings me to: Walking on Sunshine. Imagine surviving the 120mph winds, the gangs of looters, the levee breaking, the alligators, the disease, and the filth - only to be assaulted by Katrina and the Waves? Haven't those people suffered enough? Shit, you could float over half of them out on Jay Leno's chin alone.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

and so it turns out that in times of great despair, all human beings really need are extremely gross things like anal mucous gin, peehole maggots and all the rest of that awesome junk.

thanks everyone,
please remember to poke at my dead body when i am smashed by the tornado -- wait, what is it we have here in sf? oh yeah, poke at my dead body when i am melted by hippies. no, that's not it, oh yeah, poke at my anus when i am licked by fags -- hold on, it's something like that, like you know when you get tossed all around and bloody -- oh oh oh , i remember,

poke at my dead body when i get attacked by a big homo clothes dryer with a penis that looks like italy.

time for spaghetti!

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

This is off the topic of your joke, but on the topic of racial discord.

Did you hear that Jesse Jackson is opposed to the word "refugee" because he thinks is is being used as a racial slur?

How is Jesse's attack on the use of the word "refugee" is going to help the "displaced" of New Orleans? The only person being helped is Jesse in his bid for media attention.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

I didn't read the comments first. I'm obviously way off topic.

 

Anonymous C Ro is a gaywad.

No one else has dared to admit it yet, so I'll be the first.

Yes, Leno is indeed worse than that joke. Holy fuck does he suck.

 

Anonymous Melina is a gaywad.

merkeley???, i simply love the side bar graphic of Mayor Noggin (that's what I'm calling him now and if you want to too, I'm good at sharing!)Thanks for allowing a laugh on taxpayer time.

As far as "theme songs" are concerned, doesn't Santana do one called "Stormy"? Although, "Windy" by The Association really takes the prize.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

I would nominate the official theme song as Cinderella's "SAVE ME"...

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

My butt hurts.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

c ro
thanks for being the bigger person. now you can finally stop stalking jay leno.

big things on the horizon for you.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

melina,
yes, thanks for noticing.
i che guevaraed him out, i thought he deserved the same high contrast treatment as all the other douchebags throughout history end up getting for the t-shirts. people who love douchebags love high contrast, i think it's the Black/White thing they love so much.

shades of grey are just so boring.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,
nomination noted you fucking contest havers.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dashielle,

stop twisting that eggbeater in there and rub some hair conditioner in there instead, you'll feel better soon.

 

Post a Comment

As I Was Saying...

I'm not really all that interested in turning this into a political blog especially when there are people who do it so much better than I ever would. Namely:


In the few years I have been reading his essays I have come away each time so energized and positive about how things should be that, besides Abraham Lincoln, I can't think of a political writer I could more highly recommend.

I just read his latest and as usual, he has eloquently put into words all my real thoughts and feelings of recent events and how they relate to all of us individually.

btw, I'd steer clear of his comments section, It can get pretty heated and ridiculous and many times reading it ruins the wonderful effect intended in his original essay.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught having heroes.
Your favorite hack,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

that was interesting. thanks for the link. the comment section (had to look after you said not to)
has one criticism in the 340 plus comments.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

hmmmm. i think the links are broked..I'll try again later or google it.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I finally was able to read the essay. Wouldn't it be amazing to be able to write like that guy, or to be able to take all the crud out of our heads and organize it like that? Thanks for telling us about this. I will now be a loyal reader.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holly,
yeah, that's kinda what i'm referring to. there can be a lot of high fivery over there and by the wrong types, it can be reather annoying.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
go through his archives, some really inspirational stuff.

don't expect anything more than one essay every few months or so.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

The length of his post rivals Inner Fonzie's rant. I agree with most of his words. It just makes you think, this is the largest disaster in US history. Do you really think the blame is on one person? It starts out with an incompetent mayor and flows up from there...

 

Anonymous C Ro is a gaywad.

I can't believe you like that guy, he takes himself WAY too seriously.

I only made it through some of the comments before I had to puke.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

c ro
yeah, i saw the comments you made on his site, while it's nice to see someone take a break from all the high fivery that tends to happen there, i thought that your response was rather petty and off point.

doing something good is doing something good, whether you tell someone about it or not. just because a person tells somebody else that they peed out a fire that was burning 40 infants doesn't mean that the infants are not a hell of a lot better off undead than they would have been if he had decided to take the opportunity to roast a weenie.

also, chastising someone for coming off preachy and self righteous couldn't be any more oxymoronic don'tcha think?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,
yeah, that's why he calls them essays and himself an essayist rather than blog posts and blogger.

i always enjoy them.

but then again, i'm perfect.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

I didn't know Massengil made that flavor, Merkley...

 

Anonymous C Ro is a gaywad.

Oh. Burn. Oh wait, that was on me. Damn.

"Undead Babies" would be a good name for a band.

 

Post a Comment

September 05, 2005

Let's Just Take Two Minutes Out of Our Busy Lives to Make Fun of Sean Penn




Spicoli went to New Orleans yesterday to take some really awesome pictures of himself saving fat black ladies out of flooded houses. He was going for that, you know, hero in the trailer park kinda feel, he thought about the fact that he has enough money to afford twenty Amphibious-Hummtastic-Tank-Boat-Copter-Life-Save-O-Matic machines, but he really wanted that independent production, no-craft-services look because you know, that whole big Schwarzzenegger Hollywood thing just looks so cheesy, so instead he decided to borrow the boat his brother Michael bought and painted all duck huntery for a cool alt-rock video about being poor and fishin' n'shit which totally has that alternative vibe that he and his personal photographer were going for.

Oh but here's the humdinger, when Sean's personal assistant went to pick up the boat at his other brother Chris's house (He gets all the leftover props because he's fat and poor), Chris was totally wasted and passed out on the couch but , in all his excitement about all the possible cool photographs of bloated dead jazz type people and near dead brown babies that he could pose with and look all Jesusy, Sean told his assistant to "Go code red speedy style cuz we don't want to miss the magic hour and lose all the pretty sunset light" so the assistant didn't see the note on the fridge that said:

"Dude, I don't think you should take the boat cuz I like snuck borrowed one of your guns that you said only you should have the right to have but nobody else should and I was drunk and I shot a hole in it so now I totally see what you mean. Have fun in Weezyanna bro, P.S. can I borrow $50? Thanks dude, Chris."



So anyway, they loaded the cool looking shit boat onto Sean Penn's Private jet and were in The Big Easy like 30 seconds later.

They threw the awesome "poor people boat" on top of the hummer limo that Celine Dion sent to pick them up at the private movie star airport and they whizzed past all the security check points with a police escort because, you know, Sean Penn is like all famous and shit and he was flashing his emergency celebrity badge at all the check points.

"Sean Penn comin' through, I'm famous and I got a boat and two cameras no autographs please, this is an emergency - daylights a wastin." He whimpered with that scrunched up, just about to cry look he is known for in the awesome serious -- totally non-comedy movies he makes because there is really just no time to laugh when there is so much sadness in the world to take pictures of.



"Take me to the poorest neighborhood where there are lots of African-American people, preferably babies and fat ladies, and ooh oh ooh, you know that one picture of the dead lady in the wheelchair? Let's go there, that's totally what we need."

So a N.O. cop that recently deserted his post cuz he's a big fan of Kanye West and there was like a big sale on big screen TVs goin on at Wal Mart, took Sean and his entourage to his old hood.

"There's lots of deaduns down that street right there Mr Penn, I know cuz I done shot a few of em myself."

"Rad, thanks, let me take a picture with you." Sean beamed.

So Sean's crew, hoisted the tiny boat down in the water and then he and his photographer argued for a few minutes about which way to go, they did some quick light metering and the photographer won out because definitely they should float east with Sean Penn in the front of the boat looking west, this is gonna be a beautiful photos shoot. Everyone was so excited.

But -- wtf?? The boat started filling up with water.

"Holy shit, Ruben, give me your cocktail."

"Sean, you know I shoot better when I'm loose."

"I don't care! We Are Sinking! These are my favorite shoes!"

And then Sean Penn used Reuben's cocktail cup to frantically scoop out the water until he noticed a white guy with a camera taking pictures of him and then he had one of his assistants piggyback him over to the camera guy and Sean Penn punched the crap out of the dude while screaming something like:

"Leave me alone you George Bush loving papparazzi! You people make me sick! All you care about is capitalizing on my fame and hard work you fucking vulture! These are MY PICTURES! IT's MY FACE! MY MONEY!"

And then Sean Penn pulled out his hand gun and shot the dude in the penis and then in the face and then he fake movie cried with no tears just a lot of slurping and cry jerk breathing as usual.




The End.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught crashing your brother's boat even though your dad has an awesome set of tools.
Your Democratic Talking Points Adviser to Lesbians and Clowns,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

If I was awaiting rescue and had no food or water and was all dying and shit, I'd be all, "Fuck off Sean Penn. I'll wait until a real celebrity comes to save me - like RYAN SEACREST."

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ryan seacrest saves me every day.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

"Amphibious-Hummtastic-Tank-Boat-Copter-Life-Save-O-Matic" hehehehe, good one!

The only thing worse than seeing Madonna's ex coming to save you, is finally being saved and seeing Macy Gray walking towards your cot....shudder....She propbably want to promote her new album on evacuee clothing or something.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

please note all the awesome spelling errors in my post...I want to be just like Merkley, well, maybe with less fur.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

sean penn is a douche bag.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lyds,
ya think?

 

Post a Comment

September 04, 2005

Ah Fuck It.

I got too many phone calls (three) chastising me for deleting my post so I re-posted it just so people would shut up about to post or not to post and standing your ground and all that rigmarole crapshit.

I took it down because I don't want this to be a political blog, nor do I want this to be a blog about race this and race that because I don't really give a fuck about race.

I'm a fucking individualist and that is how I choose my friends -- one by one, it's all about funny and smart and that comes in every shade, however when we talk about society we must, just for pragmatic and articulate conversation, break it up into groups, gender, age, body type, race etc... It's impossible to have an individualistic conversation when talking about that -- but THAT is where I always want to end up.

So just be warned.

PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY, and FAIRNESS individual to individual is where I am coming from. ENTITLEMENTS ARE BULLSHIT.

So before you go trying to give me an economics lesson and read me the works of Karl Marx, you should know that I have already been there, you'll only put me to sleep.

The newly undeleted post is below.

BTW, I am sad that some people are old, some people are sick, some people are poor, some people are very ugly, some people smell weird, some people are dead and some people are retards. Seriously, all these things make me sad. Like, I'm frowning right now.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught getting super duper political on your non-political poop blog!
Your hero,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Who said I was very ugly?

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Where's the poop? I miss the poop, bring on the poop!

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

ahahaha you're funnier with the disclaimer. i wont say anything i'm sick of it all. i just want some fuckinh mardi gras beads.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

I had a dream last night that they brought in Michael Jackson to look for survivors. He took off his nose and threw it like a boomerang. It was pretty cool.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
not ugly, smells weird, that's the one for you.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy.
more poop on the way, other gross stuff too, maybe a vomit or a toe jam.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby.
amen.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

squid,
yeah but did he save anyone.

 

Anonymous bryon is a gaywad.

man ... and can't believe that little post caused all that fuss ... what a bunch a weenies.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

That's the smell of money, lot's and lot's of dirty, dirty money.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

The storm was engineered.. they.. They.. THEY!!!! altered the ionosphere to create the hurricane bla bla bla I love the ionospehre.. eat my italics.. goofnight...er goodnight..

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,

your italics taste like a dish sponge, like one that cleaned out a pot of beet stew or cabbage milk.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bryon,
dude, it's like weenie city around here, get a bun.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

im just sad because i never went there and took advantage of the free wheeling good times, flowing booze and skanky activities as a youngster...

i didn't make it flood can we have mardi gras on riverboats this year?

 

Blogger invincibleoverlord is a gaywad.

merkley, I know you're good at looking up figures on the internet, and I was wondering what you'd find regarding "entitlements". I agree with your doctrine of personal responsibility. In fact I've been super into it myself for a long time now. I guess that's why I'm so hard on individuals who who lie and steal and cheat. So what I'm wondering is this: who gets more entitlements in the U.S.; people on welfare or corporations? I'll agree there's much wrong with welfare. Anyway, don't count Social Security, because we all pay in for that. Don't count roads and other government services we all pay for and enjoy like National Parks, those don't count. When you're tallying up the Corporate entitlements, please do count Airline Bailouts, Oil Company tax breaks, and wasteful no-bid contracts. The truth is that Corporations are so hungry for entitlements in this country that they pay guys called "lobbyists" billions of dollars to influence the Government to provide "entitlements" for them. I know that this economic shit is so complex that it's hard for most people to wrap their heads around, me included. So Merkley, help me out, who gets more entitlements?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

tom,
who ever said i was for corporate entitlements? two wrongs don't make a right.

but yeah, the definition of entitlement that is in the dictionary is the one i'll go with.

but, that not withstanding, my cursory understanding of the system of tax "BREAKS" is to encourage commerce from which many of us, perhaps not all of us, benefit.

you know me, anytime i hear the words tax and break together i smile, i don't give a fuck who the recipient is.

so, i probably really won't delve into the issue much further but if you'd like to educate me, i'm a fast reader.

also, if you do uncover a vast conspiracy of the government to unlawfully funnel public funds into the pockets of fat cat good ol' boys -- i'm wondering if you have any suggestions on what we should do about it.

but last but not least, if you live in a bowl and you decide to stay in it after you have been told that it's about to fill up with water and there is plenty of time to hotwire one of 500 buses or thousands of automobiles or hell, even crawl to higher ground, the only sympathy you'll get out of me is that you are dumb. you certainly wont find a finger pointing partner in me unless of course you are an actual retard or that finger is pointing at your own face.

 

Blogger invincibleoverlord is a gaywad.

Merkley,
Tax breaks mostly help the stockholders of a corporation, whose only priority is gain from profits. Tax breaks are often justified by "encouraging commerce", but the real reason for them is so profits go up.

I'm just pointing out how funny it is that Oil Companies are getting tax breaks right now (which increase their profits) and fuel prices are so high that Airlines are going bankrupt, which our Government must bail out with Billions of $. There's a funny cycle going on here, and I ain't no economist, but it all smells bad. Me and you are a good team Merkley, you point out the dumbness of individuals, and I try to point out the wreckless hubris of our societies elites. Sorry for getting all political on your poopoo blog.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

it's not all too coincidental that the last link i sent you was to that new company who is developing and airplane that uses NO fuel.

i for one hope that the gas prices stay high, rich tax break benefitting oil dudes or not. i am a person who believes that renewable energy is where its at, and these changes are only going to happen at the consumer level. if any thing, enviromentalists should be thrilled at these high gas prices. if you own solar stock right now, the moneybag types should be equally excited.

it's that old invisible hand again.

imagine how cheap a plane ticket will be when planes only need a little helium and gravity to fly around the world a thousand times.

gravity is cheap. free even. let's find a way to tax THAT!

 

Post a Comment

September 03, 2005

When You're Wrong, Admit It, When You're Right, Shut Up.

That's what my grandma used to say.

So, I'm gonna shut up about New Orleans.

That's why the post disappeared.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

In my opinion, you weren't completey wrong. I certainly didn't agree with everything you said.

You had some valid points, though. Besides, people like Jesse Jackson and Kanye West have been baiting the white folks.

Was it Richard Pryor who said that blacks never could come up with a good racial slur against white people? Honky never stuck.

I think they finally thought of one though. "Racist" is their racial slur against white people.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I missed the post, bummer. It sounds like it was something interesting. Would you mail it to me so I can be in the loop?

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

You also edited this post after I made my initial comment.

I often edit posts, so I'm not finger pointing.

I liked the first version better, though.

 

Blogger The Snakehead is a gaywad.

I miss that post. But I salute your courage to admit something like that.

My cyber impression of you just got a little better.

Congratulations! You're that much closer to my heart. I mean my ass. I mean my mouth. I mean... aaargh. Fuck it!

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

you really need to repost that shit.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

There was a New Orleans? Post?

 

Blogger Professor Leotus Clouse &amp; The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

Gottammit!
I wanna see! I wanna see!
Well, I'm in the muck whether I like it or not. My grandma did nothing but curse at me in Ukraine and chase me around the house with a fly swatter, so I have no frame of reference for age old wisdom to pull from in times like these. When looking back though, I’m sure she was just trying to say, “chill the fuck out, don’t make things harder than they have to be, and then maybe I’ll make you a sandwich, you’re favorite, peanut butter on toast.” How that can possibly be applied to times like these, I really don’t know.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Professor, My Grandma used to chase me around with a fly swatter too, let's start a support group!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

professor,
nice grandma story. thanks.

 

Post a Comment

Nice Goin' Negroes!




Apparently 100 years of warning ain't enough for some people. Don't worry though, Whitey is on his assholish way! Try not to shoot him please.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught not being able to find a ride out of a bowl next to an ocean after being warned for 17 billion hundred krillion bajillion years that it will fill with water if the wind blows too hard.
Your Super-Observant-Can-Spot-Thousands-of-Submerged-Vehicles-In-Every-Flooded-Babylonius-Neighborhood-Satellite-Photo-Oh-Yeah-and-Is-That-a-Nice-Layer-of-Gasoline-Floating-On-Top-Of-All-That-Water-By-Gum-I-Think-It-Is-Dumb-Is-Dumb-No-Matter-What-Color-You-Paint-It-Insert-Natural-Selection-Reference-Here-Type-Straight-Shootin'-Fella,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger banklocater is a gaywad.

Hey Fagot!

If those where white people Bush would have sent help by now.

You are a moron. Please reword this post so that it is easier to see you are being sarcastic.Right now you are coming off as a racist asshole.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Hey bank locater,
nice spam site ya got there.

i don't care how i am coming off.

you can call me faggot and racist all you want.

but it's nice to know that you look to bush to solve all your problems.

think locally dude. -- like way way local, like so local that when there is a hurricane coming and you live in a bowl, get your very local ass to higher ground.

whoa, huh? really?

yeah, really, most of those people could have WALKED to higher ground.

shame on the mayor of that city. shame on him a billion times. and shame on everyone who just thought they'd RIDE it out to see what would happen and shame on them for blaming someone else for doing so.

the fact is, 85% percent of that city was smart enough to leave -- those who decided to stay have noone to blame but nature and themselves.

when people stop blaming others for their troubles they might be able to move on.

personally i'm an individualist -- i couldn't give two fucks about a persons race, but a discussion is taking place and a lot of stupid people are saying a bunch of stupid shit --

sometimes in life we need to take some personal accountablility and say -- holy shit, i am a dumb fuck -- i should knock it off.

i live in SF, when an earthquake comes and smashes me i will have nobody to blame but myself. you won't see me blaming the president or the mayor or the building inspectors or god -- nope, wanna know why? because that would be retarded.

i also don't wear a helmet.

i can see the pain -- it sucks -- yup -- it sucks bad. the cure is not to blame the pain on george fucking bush, that's just stupid. s. t. u. p. i. d.

so anyway, what i'm basically trying to say mr. banklocater is go fuck yourself. you wanna do something for humanity, start chastising people who blame their troubles on others.

accountability not entitlement --- bitch.

when we take care of ourselves, we are not a burden on others.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

merkley
fema fucked up, the response to the levees busting was fucked up, and babies and old people cant walk their local asses to higher ground.



it's fucked up that people are dying in this oh so civilized country because of lack of water.



everything is just fucked there, regardless of race or economic status.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
did you see that picture of the buses?

babies and old people could have sat in those things and taken a drive to the top of a hill somewhere. somebody WITHIN that community is a total idiot,

i'll name some possible candidates,

every bus driver
the guy who operates the yard.
anyone who knows how to hotwire.
the fucking mayor.
every single local official, bus dispatching authority or not.
parents of babies who stayed.
old people who raised kids who didn't love them enough to keep them out of harms way.

do i have compassion? -- yes, you betcha but my compassion does no eclipse the notion that people NEED to fucking fend for themselves and their families.

and if you can't, then don't fucking have a family.

the fact that they are taking these overweight crybabie to shelters pisses me off. for every ten of them crying and bitching, there is a police officer or volunteer living in the exact same circumstances who is DOING SOMETHING BESIDES COMPLAINING.

the kid who stole the bus is fucking awesome.

come on people, bring the hate. i can take it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

oh yeah.

cigarette lighter.

that, a little bit of garbage and a soda can will boil you a nice cup of drinkable water.

its a flood -- not a drought. anyone who dies of thirst should have paid more attention.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

merkley
not hate, at all.

old people whose kids are in new mexico? or wherever? or people my age with babies? not everyone's family is around, and some of those people really were too stupid to have a family.




theres no water in the superdome and goodness, would you drink some water "boiled" with a cigarette lighter? the area/that water is so diseased...i dont think a lighter gets hot enough. it would overheat before it could boil the water.



and duh its the nola populations' responsibility to take care of its kin, but its the federal govts responsibility to make sure nola doesnt run out of tax money now--i dont think you can disagree with how ineptly fema has responded to the whole fucking thing.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

some of those people really were too stupid to have a family.


(so therefore who gets punished? the babies? sick)

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Merkley, you float my boat... who would have thought it, when someone tells you there's a huge storm coming you get out of the way. There are some pretty stupid people out there, I see you've found a good way to attract them to your site.

Ha, ha, a lighter isn't enough to boil water... try putting under something flammable like say some "garbage". In no time you'll have what they traditionally call a 'fire', things on a fire get hot, hot enough to boil water. Hey Presto, have a drink fuck tard.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

FINALLY! Thank the common sense gods! OH, I can not express my total complete elation that someone in this universe has a real honest thought and a noncomformist mind. I've been getting a little hate lately, you know what? It's okay. Think people! THINK! The sad part is, it's all going to happen again, people are going to move back, procreate and drown. Yep, Natural selection indeed.

Thanks for putting it out there. I for one appreciate the effort and the mind behind it!

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Maybe that's why there's so many fires in a city with no power? The looters, check that, the unfortunate VICTIMS who are only trying to purify water to drink to wash down their plasma-screen TV dinners, are ACCIDENTLY setting Saks and the Riverfront Mall on fire.
The liberal douches are saying it would've ONLY been 15 billion to rebuild the levees to withstand a cat 4 hurricane (in theory). Well, that's great. Let's spend a buttload of money to save a subterranian coastal city! That's like putting another layer of sunscreen on a 90-year-old melanoma patient and sending them to the beach.

As far as (that) being cheaper than to rebuild the city, DON'T REBUILD! It will just be a matter of time before a BIGGER storm wipes them all out. The levee money is better spent in Iraq getting all that oil. I mean, that's why we went to war right? For the oil? Or was it to keep the resources away from nawlins? Fuck Jesse Jackson, fuck the looters, and most of all fuck swim lessons. Natural selection, my friends, natural selections. God Bless you, Mr. Merkley. I couldn't agree with you more, at least not until cloning becomes legal...

 

Blogger Professor Leotus Clouse &amp; The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

Fatter balls to you for not holding back what's on your mind.
I can’t wait to say the same things about the people in Cali when they fall into ocean after a few hard shakes.

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

"I don't think anyone anticipated the breach of the levees"

who said that? was it a negro?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
dude, i said garbage. stop eating speed.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy and squid,

like duh and shit -- uh huh uh huh.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holly,

nope, not a negro, also not the dude responsible for levees in new orleans. also not a prophet. also perhaps trying to be nice and not point a finger at the mayor of new orleans and the govenor of illinois.

point is, my post is in response to all those who blame rascism or whitey or anyone besides themselves for what happened down there.

i don't think anyone sold anyone else a fake bag of goods claiming that new orleans was flood proof or hurricane proof. there is risk everywhere, we don't need to find someone to blame each and everytime something bad happens to us, especially when there are plenty of warnings and time to avoid said bad things.

if you feel like george bush is responsible for cleaning up the messes of city planners and building code enforcers and mother nature -- we simply are gonna have to agree that you are bananas -- no offense, but we shouldn't even be talking about george bush in relation to the fucking levees, if we're gonna blame him, we have to blame every single president back to the beginning of this country.

personally, i blame donny osmond.

why the fuck not.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lots of bad spelling in that comment above, i dont use spell check on comments.

time for a hot dog.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Hey numb nuts, who are you calling a speed eater. The lighter thing wasn't directed at you it was for whoever commented to the effect that a lighter would overheat before it could boil water.

Unless they were being facetious that's one of the most funnily-moronic things I've heard in a while.

Well, here's hoping you cooked hotdog in water boiled with a lighter.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,
ahhh, now i see. now stop eating that speed.

but yes, for some reason, my nutts actually are kinda numb, good time for flicking i suppose.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Ahhh, it was gaby (a couple of comments before mine).

Sorry Gaby, I was just being a bitch.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Mmmmm Speeeeeeeed, mmm-nummmy.

I think it may be the constant flicking that's causing the sensory deprivation. Mmmm, speeed

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

all my comments on here are really really stupid.


if i lived in new orleans, id be dead. not from drowning, from third degree burns trying to cook some popcorn with a lighter.


burning trash is bad for the environment!! DONT POLLUTE.

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

its really hard to bounce back after Merkley's rampant spelling mistakes.

I used the Bush quote to illustrate that an educated white man, who is also our president, admitted to not fully understanding the threat and the condition of the levees. Maybe not totally relevant but I blame MARIE Osmond!

When people left New Orleans there was no adequate help waiting for them. Local, state, and federal government need to do better next time. Next time may be another hurricane or it may be a terroist attack.

what is wrong with asking for better performance from elected officials? I pay taxes and I demand it, bitches.

Stop with the self help crap that we should all take care of ourselves with lighters. I didn't get my Phd in crisis management or survival. I got it in history. I don't expect non history grads to know how to bag groceries, do I???
No of course not. Move along.

 

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