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November 29, 2005

If I Was One of Those Retards Who Can't Figger Out The Difference Between "YOUR" and "YOU'RE"...

If I was The Word "Misogyny" I would keep reeeeal quiet about the fact that a reeeally ugly girl TOTALLY MADE ME UP instead of pushing away the pork rinds, going to the gym and wearing a little concealer.





If I was a TV Judge, every once in a while I'd give some old lady who ran over her neighbor's sprinkler the death penalty.





If I was The Word "Figure" I would hate it when people said "Figger" but even more when they said "Fegro", although, I might let the words "Bigger", "Digger", "Vigor" and "Trigger" call me "Figga" even though I think those words are totally inferior.





If I was a TV Courtroom Bailiff, every once in a while I'd take out my billy club and club the crap out of some feeble old man if he made the judge repeat something because he couldn't hear what the judge said on account of bein super old.





If I was One of Those Retards Who Can't Fegro Out The Difference Between "YOUR" and "YOU'RE", I'd just write YER or YO instead, because then everyone would just think I was making fun of rednecks or negroes which is totally rad. Although the joke would probably be bittersweet seein's how I would probably BE a redneck or a negro. But then again, self deprecating humor is pretty popular too. However, at that point, it's not really humor anymore, it's just ignorance and while my ignorance may be funny to you, I'd just be back to living as just an ordinary retard. FUCK YOU INSENSITIVE ASSHOLES!





That's all for now!
Don't get caught imagining Paul McCartney beating the crap out of Stevie Wonder with a big white elephant tusk while screaming "DIE YOU FUCKING BLIND ASS EBONY FUCKING FUCKWAD!"
Your N.A.A.C.P Janitor Relations Chairman,
Montell Williams

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

even though i'm all married and stuff, i STILL have the BIGGEST internet crush on you EVER. Seriously, these last few posts have made me laugh so hard i peed a little. and by peed i mean poop and by a little i mean a LOT.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

on divorce court, which is the best, Judge Mablean has a white baliff.

I like the little confederate flag nice touch cracker, or ginger.

 

Blogger MPD is a gaywad.

truly enlightening Merk I am at a loss for words

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

ive definitely seen you swap your and you're, 'lexy.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

I WON! 50,034 words and I still have another chapter to go to tie up the loose ends, but the goal was 50,000!

I'm totally going to get breast implants so you can visit my blog again...

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

its amazing how much quibbling goes on.

the lowest note super macho key allwwwaaayyysss throws swings at the far right fairy high noter.

the 2 pedals - who are russian jews - like to threaten poor little Abu Hakim Palestinian 3rd pedal.

And I think it goes without saying that EVERYONE hates the cross dressing pedal rod.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

poopee shmoopee,
ahhh those are turds of love. kinda like valentines day or something. if nothing else, i know i can at least keep a woman REGULAR.

===================

Wendy,
she probably has a crush on him.

================

MPD,
you're ALMOST at a loss for words. I counted your comment and there were 10 words and NO REPEATS. things aren't always as bad or good as they seem.

====================
gaby,
sometimes i like to assimilate with the peasants, you know get down on their level an RELATE. you should hear how i talk to cab drivers.

====================
Squid Vicious,
WOW squidward. that is quite a feat. i kinda wish i would have done that contest. you know ass to seat method is always best --- cept some times ass to dildo or ass to kitten or ass to ball point pen works too.

======================

Holly,
yeah -- you'd think they'd learn to live together in perfect harmony... take note there is no race mixing on a piano. NO inter breeding. we can learn a lot from our pianos. we just need to learn how to listen with our hearts -- or sphincters as it were.

 

Blogger pisscock mcgee is a gaywad.

Dear Sir,

Exchanging the letters "egro" for every instance of "igger" is without query the best thing you've come up with yet. So good in fact that I have no choice but to rape this from you and use it in my daily life. Since we are separated by the Rocky Mountains, I think this is allowable. Were I an english teacher I would assimilate this into my lesson plan, skewing the children's minds toward this more politically correct phrasing of those words. "No, no, Susie. It is correct to say 'The chegroes were biting bad in the yard this summer.' 'Chigger' is derogatory."

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

why thank you pisspuss,

the best part though is that it came to me in an instant when a waitress asked me if i'd like a bigger glass and i quickly retorted with an offended look and "excuse me, we don't say bigger, we say begro". it was one of my wittiest moments for sure.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

Wow, you are David Lynch meets Baz Lerman. Now this is a blog. Don't stop I'm too amused.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

merks, that was genious, and the conferderate flag on the key, was nice. Very nice.

I'm so wet right now.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

Bigger and Begro is the fucking shit. Me and you have to do some arthritis pills together some time.

 

Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

Jesus Merkley??? Sometimes I think your trying to start a race war that will bring the beginning of the apocalypse Charles Manson style. Then I think about the fact that you do kind of look like him plus you do know a bunch of girls that you could talk into going on a killing spree while you take their picture. So I figure I should turn you into the Feds or the NAACP, but if something were to happen to you then where would I go to look at semi erotic pictures of hot women in Cali. So I could listen to my conscious or my penis and we know who wins that battle every time. So fuck it keep up the good work.

p.s I know you loved how I spelled “your” :)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

esteemed mr. kent,

don't EVEN for one second act like you're not gonna use that BEGRO joke sometime within the next 24 hours.

but yeah, race war -- that'd be awesome, i'd probably side with the mexicans or the homos -- wait -- homos are a race right?

a couple of nights ago i sat down at a piano and i started pounding on the black keys and then i'd tinkle on the white keys and then i'd POUND the fuck out of the white keys and then play slow sad stuff on the black keys and then i'd POUND on the black keys and then i SPAZZED out on all the keys like fucking crazy and then i pretended to cry and then i told the whole crowd that formed who were also crying a little bit: "that piece was called Race War" and nobody got the joke but they could feel the power in their hearts, or at least they would have if i had actually done that at a party but i didn't, it was all a complete lie.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

anonymous,
thanks -- don't be so anonymous n'shit

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

marriedman,
you know i do it all for you -- i tell you that always -- but i really mean it. i do it all just for you and nobody else.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

calzone,
you know i do it all for you -- i tell you that always -- but i really mean it. i do it all just for you and nobody else.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

wait! You said that to Calzone too. What the fuck man...oh shit, I forgot my internet speak.....WTF man? I licked your balls way before that slutty dragon came around. Fuck man. Fuck.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

marriedman,
calzone means nothing to me -- it's nothing, it's just sex that's ALL. you know you're my favorite.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

calzone,
marriedman means nothing to me -- it's nothing, it's just sex that's ALL. you know you're my favorite.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I thought I was "you're" favorite.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

you are wendy. definitely YOU are my number one favorite.

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

your all wrong, I'm the fave.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Do you suppose the new "Roas Parks" statue in washington, DC will be of her sitting or standing???

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

*Rosa

 

Anonymous JANICE GLASS JR is a gaywad.

JANICE IS THE FAVORITE BECUZ JANICE + MERKLEY = DRY HUMPING TO THE MAXIMUM POWER!!!

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

thanks merks, that means a lot, to me, calzone, and wendy.

 

Anonymous christie is a gaywad.

Word on the interweb crush.

There's just something about a man with question marks in his name that makes me all crazy like....

 

Anonymous Donkey Kong is a gaywad.

I parked next to a huge woman today who had a bumper sticker that said "Women are great leaders, YOUR following one."

I smiled at her and said, "Great leaders but bad spellers huh?"

She didn't understand what I meant, called me a sexist prick and then drove off.

At least she didn't eat me.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Holly,
I totally agree with you holly. they are all wrong. you REALLY are my favorite.

==============

Squid,
hopefully the will make it so that each hour on the hour, one small tear rolls down her cheek -- only the tear is sulfuric acid and melts the flesh off her face. why not.

======================

JANICE GLASS JR,
dryhumpig to the maximum power is absolutely right especially because you are BY FAR my favorite blog commenter.

=======================


the REAL marriedman,
you're welcome sweetheart, i meant every fucking word of it.

====================

christie,
wanna know why the questionmarks make you crazy? because it alludes to mystery (whisper that when you read it) i am the first person to ever use questionmarks by the way. nobody ever thought of it before me. there isn't even one single retarded infomercial douchebag on TV covered in questionmarks trying to sell government secrets. ther never was a batman villan and it's totally NOT over used and cliche, it's totally original and i can't believe that i thought of it. i must be a genius, i must be. what else could explain it?????

huh?

huh?

huh?

huh?

=====================

Donkey Kong,
"At least she didn't eat me."
ha ha -- awesome.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

everthing you do to me is magic, and shit like that baby.

 

Blogger Janice Glass, Jr. is a gaywad.

I'M CHAFING AGAINST MY ELASTIC WAIST RELAXED LEE JEANS RIGHT NOW!! N-E-WAY U KNOW WHAT?!? THAT'S RIGHT! I BROKE UP WITH PATRICK AND I'M ON THE LOOSE!

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

that thing you said to Christie, the whispering thing...that made me feel a little tingly...


I think I have to pee now.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

mm,
oh you!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

janice,
ahhhh that is fantastic news. i always ahted that asshole.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
it's almost like everyone is on e in this here comments section. i like it.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

I seriously just peed my pants! That was the best shit ever. .

Say. . . you should come up with a Top 10 Posts list. That'd be funny.

Anyway, yeah. My head hurts. And you made me smile. Yay.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks bettie,
come back whenever. next time though pee first.

 

Blogger Max Planck is a gaywad.

dear encephalitis face,
your pictures have the best comments ever. you make me want to eat chapstick.
yours,
francine's sister

 

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November 28, 2005

If I Was Jesus Christ on the Crucifix's Ding Dong...

If I was a Secret Ingredient I would probably be pickle juice, cumin, or soy sauce or maybe lard, UNLESS I was the secret ingredient in deodorant then I'd probably be something like mercury or donkey jizz.



If I was a Regular Old Colander, whenever anyone dumped spaghetti in me and one of those spaghettis slipped it's noodle end THROUGH one of my tiny holes I'd yell "RAPE!!" Unless the noodle was very handsome, then I'd just pretend to be wasted.



If I was Bill Cosby's Tootsie Roll, I'd figure out how to work his zipper from the inside and next time he did his comedy routine I'd come bursting out of his pants and then finally he'd have to acknowledge me and maybe tell just ONE joke about me.



If I was a Dildo Manufacturer, I'd make a dildo that was half dildo, half turkey baster with an air brushed Image of Mother Mary on it and I'd call it The Immaculate Vibrating Conception, or maybe The Joseph.



If I was Jesus Christ on the Crucifix's Ding Dong, I'd one day just become a big huge boner in like some run down cathedral somewhere in Mexico and then I'd wait to see just how many old crippled Mexican women would make the pilgrimage to see THAT miracle. Then I'd pee blood.



Images courtesy of the Internet

That's all for now!
Don't get caught taking the spurting blood from a crucifix's boner and smearing it into your Snailfight™ in hopes that you'll somehow give birth to the next Jesus, but wouldn't that be a miracle if it worked!? May as well give it a shot!
Your Six Time Super Bowl ummm Somethin'r'Other,
Condoleeza Rice

Oh shit! I almost forgot!


FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

fuck merks. Why do you use my picture and shit? Not cool man, not cool.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

this is the best thing i've ever seen. i'm not sure if i want to wallpaper a room with it or have it printed in place of a program at my wedding someday. either way, i'm pretty sure it's going in my family scrap album next to the envelope of my baby hair and 3rd grade report card.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

mm,
well i was trying to just use your SMELL but it would't publish -- i think maybe blogger is fucked up.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

francine,

you know, i have the legal power to perform wedding ceremonies --- i could totally put together a bang up hitch job.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

hey everybody -- guess what!

bette midler is on The View right now and she totally SUCKS!

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

I make it a point not to be concerned with anything rockabilly so that chair is fucking clever. rockaBYE you 45 year old ex junkie who thinks he's the lost member of straycats.
Whoops, where was I?
Indeed I heart that pink chair.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holly,
yeah -- if you notice, the photo isn't old. that's an ikea carpet. you know the person with that set up has all kinds of stupid cards and flames and everything else Hot Topixy tattooed all over the god damned place-- blech -- rockabilly kids may be the most boring people on earth.

 

Blogger Gage is a gaywad.

I'm in love with that Owl. Seriously, my heart is beating faster...

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

i didnt give you permission to post my picture on your blog. i feel so violated, especially because you didnt photoshop the ugly out.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

oh dammit

married man alreadsy made that joke.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

have you ever noticed if you try and publish a comment without typing in the word verification, it makes the next verification really hard?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gage,
obviously you mean the girl -- you'll have to fight me for her.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,

no i never did notice that but i am going to do an experiment right now to see if you are right.

current wv: arujjdzi

i'm gonna type goat balls

ha!

new wv: sfuzl

let's try again, now i'll type dick cheese

new wv: hlntjee

this time i'll type booger sandwich

new wv: dccthfe

just as i thought gaby. you are mentally retarded.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Hey that lady in pink kinda looks like me..

Turkey basters are so fucking sexy. I used to have 22 of them.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

It's true. Blogger must have a crush on you, which explains the blog with all the pictures of you on it, and why Blogger is being all nice with the word verifications.


Oh, snap.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ooooohhhh kaaayy,
not EVERYBODY gets to look like the owl girl. married man put first dibs so HE looks like owl girl until midnight then gaby till wednesday, then allison --- and gage gets to hump all of you becuse he is in looooove.

read that last part like i was sandra bullock. she is dynamite.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

no joke, a friend who was a lifetime roadie for people like frank zappa and average white band and most importantly in history bette midler just told me this morning the nickname she gave him when he was on tour and hung out with her dancers who all happened to also be strippers.

i've never had a "whoa-i just talked about bette midler TOO" moment before.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

so you can marry us? it's down to you and my dad now.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

francine,
not only can i marry you, but i can supervise and document the consummation!

i met bette midler and her fat daughters once. she was more concerned about my video camera than anything else at the party -- not concerned like i WAS going to video tape her but concerned like I WASN'T gonna video tape her.

i'm so much better than bette midler.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

well, as long as by "supervise and document" you mean "bring a jar of pickles and a daguerreotype machine" then i'm all set.

you're obviously so much better than bette midler. they should give you your own uso show.

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

I can't decide if I want to look like saline scrotum activist or brian the flasher. Either way, I got dibs on both, bitches!

I get word verification wrong at least twice before it works. It's like some fucked up eye test.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

you should really make that dildo/turkey baster thingy, You realize how much money you could make off the lesbian wanna be parents demographic?! fuck yeah dude, you design and produce the thing, gather up all the lesbians in san Francisco and I will come up with the sperm...

yeah, I still have to work that detail out.

 

Blogger MPD is a gaywad.

Merk I actually came when I read this entry. Please don't stop....ever

 

Blogger Gage is a gaywad.

Actually... I really meant the Owl...

 

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November 26, 2005

If I Was a Deep Fried Breast Cancer Lump, Lightly Salted, With a Dash of Paprika and Dunked in Sweet Mustard...

If I was a Breast Cancer Lump, I would start a website called FantasticBreastCancerRecipes.com to inform the people on how to cook me right. Maybe then people would stop talking so much SHIT.



If I was a Testicular Cancer Lump, I'd be all, "DUDE, fucking chill out. I'm making your balls bigger" and then I'd tell scary stories to all the little sperms so they'd freak out the second they flew out of the pee hole and onto some dudes face possibly scratching him.



If I was a Sperm, I'd get all annoyed and say "Gaaah, what a fucking hot dog convention, where are all the chicks?" and then I'd look around to see if I could tell which sperms were homos.



If I was a Pee Hole, I'd totally learn how to whistle.



If I was a Dying Sperm in a Sock, I'd wiggle my way over to one of the other sperms and I'd say stuff like "Don't you go dyin' on me Jeffery!" and I'd whip him with my sperm tail whenever he seemed to be drifting off and then when I was the only sperm left living I'd look out over the death and carnage and I'd give the best speech ever given and then I'd shoot myself in the head and die with dignity and no one would ever know but me and some other bacterium who already lived in the sock.




If I was a Dirty Sock Bacteria and all of a sudden a billion sperm came sliming on in on some wad of goop, I'd probably stop and watch them as they glooped around looking for chicks. Then I'd shake my head back and forth really slowly while muttering "how sad" and then when the emperor sperm gave his final speech while gazing out upon the billions of corpses of all of his people I'd probably cry a little and then I'd get back to eating my Doritos.



If I was a Deep Fried Breast Cancer Lump, Lightly Salted, with a Dash of Paprika, and Dunked in Sweet Mustard, I'd say to Charlie Rose: "Oh Charlie, stop, there are lots of recipes on that website, I didn't change the whole image of breast cancer all by myself" and he'd say "Perhaps, but without YOU, there would be no McLumps and that's really when public opinion shifted" and then I'd blush and giggle a little and say "That's true I guess."



That's all for now.
Don't get caught getting hungry while thinking about breast cancer.
Your Gigantic Load of Crap,
Ghandi

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

mmmm breast cancer...

And Merkley, I'd like you to participate in the challenge that's up on my blog.

 

Blogger MPD is a gaywad.

Merkley that has got to be one of THE most insightful blog entries you have ever written. Life all makes sense now. Thank you for this prescious gift you have bestowed up on me and the rest of your deserving world

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

You made me cry...just a little

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

did anyone else check to see if the breast cancer recipe thing was a real site? Just me? Okay, I am dork.

I would love to hear the sperms farewell speech. That would be cool.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

once my dog tried to hump a rabbit.


didn't work. no bullrabbits.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Allison S,
no way am i kissing people -- that's how you end up with freakneck like what you got.

-----------------

MPD,
I'm glad that i was able to stimulate your iintellect fine sir.

---------------------


Calzone,
I didn't make you cry calzone, it was the spirit within me and the spirit within you that made you cry. i call my spirit greg. I hate it when greg punches my balls from the inside.

-------------------


Wendy,
i know it would be cool to hear the emperor sperm's speech -- but if you heard it you would die from overwhelming greif --- so we will skip it.

-----------------------


gabrielle,
rabbits try to hump lots of junk -- even a dirty old towel if you roll it up in a ballish kinda deal.

 

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November 22, 2005

LEEEARnayin' to Love Your Boobs, That is The Gaaay-yest LOOOOOOOVE uh uh uvv ALL. Dunh dunh dunh...
















That's all for now!
Don't get caught using a sentence that you saw on Francine's blog even though you actually did eat a whole tube of Chapstick, well ok, it was more of a chocolate flavored lipstick/lipgloss deal but Chapstick sounds better than all that and besides, who HASN'T eaten a whole tube of chapstick? That shit is fucking yummy.
Your Fukkin Secretary of Offense,
Connie Chung

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

damn i love you

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

like snelching love? or like cute little bunny rabbit love? or like you want to leave your wife and change the laws so we can get married love? or like "i love pizza" love? or like "i love retards" love?

see, the reason i ask is because i love you too -- but it's more the "hey, let me check your prostate" love which shouldn't be taken as sexual even though i'd probably check it with my penis but that's only because penises were designed to go in butts -- fingers weren't -- so it has nothing to do with gayness, i'm just really concerned about your prostate, i don't think it should smell like that.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

did you really eat the goo out of Stretch Armstrong? Man that is genius. See, we tore that dude up like the second day we had him, but, I would have never thought to eat the goo! Man, now I got muchies for stretch armstrong.

The mouse thing freaks me out a little...ughhh.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

i hate janice but we have to let her post on the blog because she's pretty much family. she eats chapstick ALL THE TIME right after she pushes it up real far and sticks it up her butt. she's awful.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

merkley

I love you like snelching
I love you like rabbits
I love you like homos
I love you like bad habbits
I love you like pizza
I love you like retards
I love you like Terri Schiavo
I love you like gift cards
I love you when you touch me
I love you when I touch you
I love you when you rape me
I love you when you make my balls blue
I love you when I taste you
I love you when we eat meat
I love you when you taste me
I love you when you use your feet
I love you because I'm a faggot
I love you cause you are too
I love you like a maggot
I love you for you.

the end.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

I miss those old tall tales you used to tell. The children are good, but so short! Like commercials for the old tall tales of youth.

 

Anonymous Donkey Kong is a gaywad.

Funny baby pictures. If by funny I mean disturbing, and by disturbing I mean walking in on your best friend snelching his toothless cousin from Arkansas.

http://spawnpaper.blogspot.com/

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

I have a rash.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

LETS GO!
C'mon. You have got to admit that it sounds like funnnn?
SCRABBLE TOURNEY W BIG E in the big chi T. WE CAN STAY AT THE MARRIOT. BYU did pay off in some ways, (did you know Alice ever?) You remember Kristin Packham? She is the huntsman source. By the way, do NOT PUBLISHTHESHIT IN CAPS>>>>>>>>,
I can see your pup tent, fool.
CHENEYISGOING DOWN WITH BINLADEN PREPARE THE GRILLS. GET OUT THE SKEWERS. I'M A GONNA HAVE ME SOME FUCKIN" ARAAB muslim/betrayin mutinous infidel GYROS 2NIGHT. What time do you get Mceleanor group on PBS.

Well, did you know about the bees buzzin in MO and in SLC.
the sky is apparently falling.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

WHATS FOR DINNER?
Seriously.
What are you cooking, entice me into driving all the way the fuck out there.
sheisa.
i can not find any one of those mutinous infidels to help my ass. fuckers.
FUCK IT. I AM DOING IT ANYWAY.FREI LEBT VER STERBAN KANN. Is what I always say.
CAN I BRING HUCKLEBERRY?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Wendy,
Yes I really did eat all the goo. if you've ever made hard candy --- and i have, in fact i had a business going in junior high school --- i made big suckers that i sold for 50 cents a peice, you would know that the sugar syrup needs to be heated up to 300 some odd degrees to reach the "hard crack" stage, if you take it of before it reaches that temperature you get a reall stiff goo, be cause i was making suckers at the time i immediately recognized the goo and i was right. nobody ever believes that story and it makes me want to punch them in the face.

not you though, i'd just push you and give you an indian burn.

-----------------


Francine Ocelot,
i like janice now because she mentioned my name in conjunction with panties and some homo named patrick. i can roll with that.

peace nig!

-----------------------


marriedman turbo charged!,

that may be the most romantic poem anyone has ever made for me. i'm speechless -- sigh.

----------------------


gabrielle
wait a minute, first you say that these and the "if i was" are your favorites and now your saying you miss longer booger stories. your never happy are you.

--------------------


Donkey Kong,
thanks dude. and by thanks i mean franks and by franks i mean look at my dick.

--------------------------



Allison S,
i heard -- stop breathing on my blog please.

--------------------

merry jane,
there will be tons of food -- but lets face it -- you're stuck in chicago. say hi to scottie and eleanor.

btw other people -- scottie is my "god daughter" even though no catholics are involved. eleanor is scotties grandmother who is eleanor clift, the famous pundit and whitehouse correspondent and political talking head who is featured on the McGlauflin group or however the fuck you spell it -- you know -- on pbs. i think it's hilarious that eleanors granddaughter has a dude like me for a godfather.

it's oh so scandalous.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

oops -- also -- scottie is merry janes daughter. but you probably figgered that out.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

NO WAY! that is fucking cool man. I think that impresses me more than you being best buds with the rock stars! Too cool.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

I think I like the barbie doll/ blow torch confession the best.

I never had a doll that my brother didn't send to the crematorium. He ususally shaved their heads first, too. I always started out crying, but ended up laughing instead. I was never really into dolls, anyway.

We weren't disfunctional. Dolls are weird.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

Oh mi gawd!!!!

I so just ate way too much turkey!

Merkles, lover?
I love you like lil rays of sunshine on my face.
I love you like a gental breeze through my hair.
I love you like I love that first pee when you get out of bed.
I love you like I love my big giant comforter. . . .
I. . .Love you. . .like . . ***zzZZzzzZZZZZzzzzzzzz***

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

when i was 7, my brother was 4 and always wanted to play barbies with my friends and i. except my parents were too cheap to get me a ken doll, so i had this beat up old barbie with cut hair-plug hair that he would use. except that since my brother insisted on being "the boy" barbie, and i had no boy clothes he always insisted his barbie be naked.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

Merkley, I hope you don't mind if I talk to the Schmoopster...

Poopee, Ken was so campy! GI Joe was the way to go with Barbie parties.

(I'll bet Ken is doing Barbie's Thanksgiving after dinner clean-up right now. Meanwhile, GI Joe has his feet kicked up on the coffee table telling outrageous stories.)

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

i keep waiting for the day when i see one of my grade school photos here. then i will hunt you down and poop on your lawn.

just kidding ... i never went to grade school.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i love my boobs

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

paula - he tried the gi joes but kept getting upset about how small joe was compared to the girls.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

Poopee,

After I posted my original comment to you, I realized that we were probably suffering from a "generational GI Joe Gap". In my day, way back in the late sixties, GI Joe was a full two centimeters taller than Barbie and Ken. He was a powerhouse of plastic He-Maleness. He even had visible scars. He exuded masculinity from every nonexistant pore on his body.

Why did the powers that be shrink poor Joe to Lilliputian proportions? Hmmm. Because Barbie and Joe were having too much fun, perhaps?

Who knows?

Joe was probably overcompensating, anyway.

These are complicated philisophical issues. Please read my thesis on the subject at my blog.

Good night, and good luck.

 

Blogger MPD is a gaywad.

Im fond of the cocoanut chapstick myself. That shit rules

 

Blogger Professor Leotus Clouse & The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

I had a collection of soda flavored chapsticks way back in the day, the best was Dr. Pepper, even though I hardly ever drank the shit, the ladies loved it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Wendy,
maybe i should eat stretchh armstrongs out in public. then everyone would think i was awesome.

-------------------------

*badgirl,
wake up. did you fall asleep? i was liking where that poem was going, especially the part about pee shivers.

-------------------------

poopee shmoopee,
GI joe was cool. once we filled one with red paint and strapped a firecracker to his back and threw him up in the air but when he exploded it didnt really look that cool but i got red paint on my shirt and hence in big trouble. the remains look kinda cool, but not as cool as i imagined.

-------------------------


Dashiell,
an alternative punch line could have been, just kidding, i don't know how to poop.

see -- that's waht you call being a jerk -- giving an alternative punchline is total jerk behavior.

-----------------------

poopee shmoopee,

i'm glad you love your boobs -- feel free to share them with the rest of the class.

---------------

MPD,
agreed -- coconut chapstick is yummy. but on that note i should say that coconut suntan lotion does not taste good at all.

-------------------------

Professor Leotus Clouse & The Duke of Sweet Cheeks,
did you know that dr. pepper is supposed to taste like plums? that's what i heard anyway..

------------------

paula,
please just leave me alone. it can't be that hard. i can't prevent you from reading, i don't have the energy to delete all of your comments and i don't feel like switching to a comment system where i have to moderate and block people.

it's not nice to force your way into someone's life. it never works out when you do anyway.

just please -- enough is enough. leave me alone.

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

you know you've crossed the line when Merkley asked to be left alone.


freckley, where's the promised childhood photo?!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holly,
oh yeah, next time i do one of the kids konfessions things i'll use my own picture.

 

Blogger fugusashi is a gaywad.

Okay. This is my last comment.

You said:

"i don't have the energy to delete all of your comments"

I think it's interesting that you don't have the time to delete my comments, but you can find the time to repost comments that I myself have deleted.

You've played a game with me. Admit it. Oh, what's the point in asking you to do that? You NEVER admit to anything.

And Holly, Merkley has crossed plent of lines, too. He just gets away with it.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

i can like the advertisements but still want the real thing, you know merkley? these posts are teasers--one liners on some crazy kidlet story.

 

Post a Comment

November 21, 2005

The GAY-yest Love of Ahhaahhaahhll is Sleeeazay to Acheeeeeeeive

















That's all for now.
Don't get caught playing the fucking god damn fucking FLUTE in a crappy fucking douchebaggy rock band you stupid fucking fuckers!!
Your Minister of Poop Dicks,
Janet Reno

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

These are hilarious! You had cool parents. If my Grandmother had found leaves in a cereal box, she would have smacked me and every kid within a five mile radius. Grandmothers knowwwww.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

oh! I forgot to say I used to play flute in band and church. I was good at it and flutes rule. You have to really be stoned to "get" Jetro Tull, but they rock. Now, bite me flute hater. No, really bite me, my husband is writing a book and I feel neglected...HA!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
that one is actually a memory from one of my first sleep overs, we both dumped it out -- and it was the next morning when all the stuff came out in our bowls and his mom got on the phone almost immediately and i thought -- mann, this woman is stoooo pid. we got away with a lot of stuff in his house. thinking back, there is evidence in my memories that his mom may have been an alcoholic. at the time i just thought she was really weird but she was probably just drunk.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

the photos and captions are my favorite stuff you write. here's my offering to you:

this fat girl across the street tied my friend to a tree with a jumprope and ate all the pizza we ordered from pizza hut. then we went to the fat girl's house to play and picked up all her dog's poop laying around the house and put it under her bed where she kept her barbies.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Hey man, when I was 15 and thought I was a hippy, I saw Jethro Tull live. And yeah, they were fucking old..

Anyway, good post. Ha ha and ha!

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Now Merks??? you now I love ya like a brother man but don't be hating on flutes dude. Any girl who can play a flute is OK with me. Oh, and the instument is pretty cool as well. Jethro Rocks!

Tell me you at least circled the booger later and wrote 'this is a booger' next to it.

Hope ya well Dude!

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i tried out for flute in 6th grade school band but i just couldn't get the high notes, so i got to play the trombone instead. sweet, sweet slidey trombone music.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

1. Flutes are only good for smacking people over the head and having "Match This Note!" fights in Jr. High.

2. My next door neighbor would throw his dirty diapers over then fence in our yard when I was little. Finally, my nother had enough. She took one of the diapers and caught it on fire on his front porch, knocked, and ran. The thing was, no one was home. And his house burnt down. And then we moved away.

3. Merkley???, I *heart* you!


badallbad.blogspot.com

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

this & if i was a... are my favorite blogs.




these especially because then eveerrrryone shares their kooky kid stories.

 

Anonymous becky is a gaywad.

Um, let me guess which one you are. The baker in the school play who ate his prop? Lol! I hope it tasted good.

Funny!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Francine Ocelot,
thanks francine. that was a good story.

----------------------


Allison S,
old and crappy. dont for get that jethro tull is always crappy.

--------------------



Satan,
it is no surprise that the lord of the underworld thinks cramming a flute into a rock band is a good idea.

it's a terrible idea. anyone who disagrees with me has a piccolo for a pee-er

---------------------



poopee shmoopee,
see, now theres a better instrument -- at least the trombone can make all kinds of silly sounds --- plus its ability to deposit a big glob of spit onto any given target with a fair amount of precision is downright OK.

----------------------


*badgirl,
"i heart you"
rhymes with "i fart poo" which begs the question -- is it even possible to fart poo or is that just regular pooping? you brought it up.

---------------------

gabrielle,
i agree -- i like the way people add their stories, they are probably the most fun too --- although lately i've been noticing that my chilhood anecdotes are getting fewer and farther between. i only need to finish the lyrics to the song and then i'll be done.

don't be surprised if you see some sort version of some of these stories make an appearance if i run out.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

becky,

nope -- none of the pictures are me, but i really did eat my prop -- at first i just started picking the raisins out -- then a little bread, then i ended up hollowing it out completely and then it collapsed so i just finished it off.

the teacher didnt even ask where it was. i didnt have any lines. she hated me. fucking bitch.

 

Anonymous becky is a gaywad.

I'll bet she didn't hate you. If she'd hated you, she would have written you up like my son's teacher from last year used to do almost every week. He's a good kid...she's a crummy person. I just ignored her after the first month or two.

Not being "the pet" is not the same as being hated. To exceptional kids, though, not being the favorite is as bad as being hated. Their talents aren't being recognized.

Sorry to get all heavy on you.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

becky,
ha ha -- i think it's funny when people get serious on my booger blog.

i was just being flip anyway.

nonetheless -- for more info on that teacher, read Pure Ugliness, Popcorn and The KKK it was the same teacher.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

can you remember all your childhood tales? i've found i've forgotten most of mine except the really traumatic weird ones, which are more frightening than funny. mummy-ing my teddy bears and whatnot.

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

I wasn't involved in poop or fart hijinks so much as illicit kissing and boy chasing. Elementary school boys are soooo scared of being caught and smooched by a gaggle of screaming 9 year olds. We would interrupt dodgeball or suicide games by simply by yelling "who's next?!?!?" at the top of our lungs.

 

Post a Comment

November 19, 2005

I Found The Greatest Love of All Inside My Butt











That's all for now.
Don't get caught exaggerating the barf on the dog story because really hardly any barf got on him but it was still super disgusting and you have to admit it would have been rad if he was totally soaked in barf.
Your President Elect,
Gilligan

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous marta is a gaywad.

My husband and I had a fight once, and I got mad at him, but I acted like I wasn't mad at all.

When he left the room I got his toothbrush and cleaned the toilet with it, then put it back in the toothbrush holder.

I chickened out, though, and threw it away before he used it. I told him it was time for a new toothbrush. He got mad at me for throwing away his toothbrush, and we fought all over again.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

THATS HYSTERICAL. I'VE BEEN KNOWN TO BE GUILTY OF BEING THE PASSIVEAGGRESSIVEPILLEATER AT DARKER MOMENTS IN MY LIFE.
LIKE,ONCE, I STENCILED THE WORD JERK ON MY BABY BROTHERS FACE WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING. IT WAS SO PIGMENTED FROM THE INDELIBLE MARKER THAT IT STAYED ON FOR THREE DAYS. BOOYAKASHA.RESPECT.I AM HIS FAVOURITE SIBLING TO THIS DAY. HE DESERVED IT. TRUST ME.
NEXT TIME YOU OUGHT TO TRY THAT ON YOUR SWEETHEART.
ASIDE
DAVID,WHY WILL YOU NEVER CALL ME BACK YOU DAFT LITTLE TWIT.I HAVE A BIG SUPRISE FOR YOU. WINK. GROWL.DONT MAKE ME PUT A TATOO ON YOUR ASS.
"I CARRIED THE WATERMELON." {WHATMOVIE}
SHIMMY.SLIDE.SASHAY.RESPECT.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

So, I laughed. I laughed alot really, and that good sir, is always a good thing.

But alas, it is not as funny as this osu game. MICHIGAN SUCKS PENIS!!!

Go Bucks.


This is all.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

WHYISMICHIGANSODESPICABLE? NOT A FANEITHER.IAMFROMWISCONSINAND WE HATE THOSE FUCKERSSOMETHING ELSENOTFORNOTHIN.RESPECT.
WHAT IS MY FRIEND THE PROFESSOR DOING RIGHT NOW? SLEEPINGITOFFPROBABLY.RESPECT.WISHIDBEENTHERE TO PARTAKE OF YOUR MASS QUANTITIESOF ALKYHAULWOULD YOULIKETOLEARNASWEDISHDRINKINGSONGTHATILEARNEDFROMMYFINEFRIENDSANNIKA&TOBIAS&SVEN&GUNTER&JUAQUIN&WELL,YOUHAVENOTMETTHEMYET.THEYMOVEDFROMSFCBACKTOSTOCKHOLM.IRREGARDLESS,HAVE YOU SEEN K.I.M.AROUNDTOWN?IBETSHEWOULDLOVETOBEONYOURTALKSHOWBLOG.
SHEWOULDTOTALLYSHOWYOUHERTITTIES.BOOYA.SWIFTSILENTDEADLY.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

WOW! Shut off your caps lock and learn about the beauty of the space bar. . .


I think I just threw up a little.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

haha. kids with missing teeth look like hillbillys.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

marta,
that was a good story. thanks.

-------------------------


TheMerryJaneTrain,
I think you might be sliding down that slippery slope of mental freak out. what the hell dude? all caps?


-----------------------------


*badgirl,
sports.

----------------------------


TheMerryJaneTrain,
seriously. what kind of pills are you on?

---------------------------


poopee shmoopee,
hillbillies is right. they also look like fucking retards.

jeez -- i wish they looked like retards. man -- you know how hard it is though to find class pictures on line of downs syndrome kids? trust me, i have been looking -- i want to tile my bathroom with glass tiles, each one containing a downs syndrome school picture. how awesome would that be? but the internet is not cooperating.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

THATSHOWMYPOWERBOOKISPROGRAMMED.
Y'ALLGETOVERITWHENYOUUNDERSTANDHOWTOWRITECODEifever.
woo. there. that better? whiney.
Did someone just wake up? Does someone need a good hug? Apparently so.
you are no fun today so I'am elsewhere starting now.
Oh, and *bg, i think you'll survive, unfortunately.

 

Blogger MPD is a gaywad.

merkley i love your writings..they make my day complete. i think you me and marriedman along with the ronco guy should throw young vaporized chinese boys at passing traffic

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

I think the toothbrush kid may actually be mine.

Merks, post a photo of you from childhood.

Pronto because I want to see your rusty little 7 year old head on a bleary sunday morning.

 

Anonymous Marta is a gaywad.

Merkley,

If you think that was a good story, you should have heard the one I told my husband about why I threw his almost brand-new toothbrush away. It inovlved miscellaneous bacteria of all kinds.

Thanks for the laughs. You're always a hoot.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

Oh, yeah I had an actual comment, I forgot it and now I remember it.

I have a 'friend' who isn't really a 'friend', right? And this 'friend' has a MAJOR OCD about brushing his teeth.

This one day my 'friend' really pissed me off. So I took his tooth brush and scratched inbetween my toes.

OH! No worries!

I got that weird cream that fixs Athlets Foot, so I'm ok! Its all good!

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

It just goes to show that lying is great. You totally got away with almost murdering someone.

What is with the Michigan hate people? Wolverines rule. Now, shut up.

Oh, I mean it with loooovvvve.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

my brother got soaked with gross dog puke once--the clear stuff with chunks of food in it. my brother screamed then tackled me. all in sll, pretty disgusting.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

WOLVERINES RULE ONLY WHEN YOUR in MICHIGAN. WHEN THEY CROSS THE BORDER TO WISCONSIN BY WAY OF LAKE US BADGERS GO ON ALERT. AND THEYS ALWAYS TRYIN TO GET AWAY WITH IT. FUCKERS. that's all I have to say about that.

 

Blogger chwecko is a gaywad.

Merkley???

>PWHAT?<

Im so glad you remember this too.

I often feel lonley with all of the obscure, but no less, hilarious clips from my (our) childhood. Too often I think Im the only one that remembers this level of detail.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

TheMerryJaneTrain,

Oh be nice. and yes, the non-all caps is much better. you still make little to no sense but it's a much more peaceful kiind of pure looniness.

---------------------



MPD,

Thanks dude!

---------------------


Holly,

I'll get right on that picture of me when i was little but i will warn you that you might turn into a pillar of sugar upon seeing how god damned cute i was.

----------------------


Marta ,

ah marriage -- such a load of crap -- am i right am i right huh? huh? huh? huh?

-----------------



*badgirl,

looks like i could make some money by inventing some kind of sanitary toothbrush lock box.

------------------------



Wendy,
the push down the stairs one ain't mine and i won't say whose it is.

------------------------


gabrielle,
tackled. not enough barfy people are tacling people. he, your brother, must be a quick thinker.

------------------------


chwecko,
ahh yes --- i have tremendous memory when it comes to all things fart or poop or guts or boogers.

i heard about your tv interview in italy.

 

Blogger heather is a gaywad.

How lovely it was to wake up this morning and realise you resurrected this - and it put a huge smile on my face, like it would any social deviant.

And I was almost not upset when I realised I was two fucking days late. Damn you, internets vacation. You miss all the good shit when you decide to go out and have a life.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

MerryJaneTrain, hahahaha! You're scared of Wolverines like NM, AZ, CA, TX are scared of illegal aliens!

Badgers are wussy, wolverines eat them for brunch!

oh Merkley, I'm sooo relieved you are not a homicidal maniac...whew. But, if you were, would you admit it?

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

OH, BUT WE TWAIN'T AFRAID. THATS WHY THE YANKEES always WIN. WE DO IT BOTH WAYS, BABY. AVAST YE MATEYS. BY LAND OR BY SEA.IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH.BY HOOK OR BY CROOK. BUT, THEN AGAIN, WE'D BE NOWHERE WITHOUT THE blood LOVE of A GOOD FIGHT, AND ALSO, WE ABSOLUTELY, adore, WORSHIP, CHERISH, AND REVEL IN THAT MCCAIN FELLA. HE'S RIFFING. HE'S SPIFFING. SEN. JOHN MacCAIN SML CONGRESS U.S.S.D.C. FIRST CLASS IS THE FUCKING SHIT. GO NAVY.YAHA.
LOVE,
and YO MAMA LOVES ME MORE. BOOYA/KASHA/RESPECT. PO.
THE MARINES.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

OH, BUT WE TWAIN'T AFRAID. THATS WHY THE YANKEES always WIN. WE DO IT BOTH WAYS, BABY. AVAST YE MATEYS. BY LAND OR BY SEA.IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH.BY HOOK OR BY CROOK. BUT, THEN AGAIN, WE'D BE NOWHERE WITHOUT THE blood LOVE of A GOOD FIGHT, AND ALSO, WE ABSOLUTELY, adore, WORSHIP, CHERISH, AND REVEL IN THAT MCCAIN FELLA. HE'S RIFFING. HE'S SPIFFING. SEN. JOHN MacCAIN SML CONGRESS U.S.S.D.C. FIRST CLASS IS THE FUCKING SHIT. GO NAVY.YAHA.
LOVE,
but YO MAMA LOVES ME MORE. BOOYA/KASHA/RESPECT. PO.
THE MARINES.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

qbt?

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

figure out what I meant if you can! Yeah, I wanted to post just a question mark and the last three letters of my WV snuck in too...lame.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

Figure this.
(gesture)
haha

 

Post a Comment

November 16, 2005

Clint Black, Boobs HellCunt and The SkeleTwins™



So I bumped into those two anorexic Australian bitches, BoneFace and DryHole I think they are named and jointly dubbed (by me) as The SkeleTwins™ back stage at the Country Music Awards in New York. -- No seriously -- I really did BUMP into them. It was awful.

CRACK SNAP CRIK KAK the sound of bones knocking together echoes throughout the backstage area.

"HOLY SHIT! ARE YOU OK? I'M SOOO SORRY" I say as I reach down to pick them up. They look like -- well -- ha ha -- I pile of fricken bones!! HA HA HA.

"D on 't wh -- wh---- whhhhoor ----- whooory ----worry abvvvv...."

One of them is trying to say something but it just sounds like the dying breath of, well, you know, a near death anorexic.

"Do nnnn 't wwhhhhhhhhoooooorry abv abffffff hhuuuuuuu about itiiihhh."

"Excuse me? What? I can't understand you, too much dust coming out and the wiggly teeth and...."

"She said don't worry about it."

"Who are you? Are you like their translator or something?"

"No, my name is Boobs Hellcunt. I'm their agent."

"Wait , I'm sorry, did I break any of your bones? HA HA as if I couldn't tell. I'm mean you can like totally see every fucking single one of them! Am I right or what? Merkley is my name. Nice to meet you. Ha ha -- I said MEET -- and you're all BONES! Get it?

"Nniiic nni nice th th thooo meeennt yooouhhha" Mumbled the other one with a mouth that looks like an antique wallet containing a dried out vienna sausage."

"Excuse me? I didn't get that. You sound like a deflating air matress. Speak up."

"She said nice to meet you" Boobs Hellcunt Their Agent says as she adjusts her heavy wool skirt.

"Ffuuh ddrrru pffffffffff guh guh guh." The other twin poots.

"Anyway... Hey ladies..." I say, "I just saw your segment on Inside Edition with Pat O'Brien and by the looks of it I thought you were almost dead, what the fuck are you doing back stage at the Country Music Awards?"

"Whhhhe whhhhhe well, uhhhhh..."

"I Caaannnn't understaaaannnnd yooooouuuuuu."

"FFFFfaaa......"

"Clint Black saw them on The Inside Edition and really felt their pain and really wanted to do something so he gave them both jobs." Snapped Boobs HellCunt, their Agent.




"Well geez, that's terrific, I saw on TV that the outpouring of support has been phenomenal."

"Yeeeeaahh uuh huhuuuuuuuuuu wwhhhiiiiiiiii....."

"I also saw on TV that you two both put on a little weight, like 15 pounds each and like you're up to 54 pounds a piece. That's terrific..."

BoneFace's and Dryhole's faces both crack out sideways and dust begins blowing from their eyes -- like maybe they are trying to smile or cry or some shit.




"Shhhhh, can I talk to you privately?" Boobs HellCunt Their Agent whispersquawks as she grabs my arm and pulls me aside. She is grabbing my arm really hard. It hurts.

"Ow, what the..."

"DO NOT MENTION WEIGHT GAIN! It freaks them out. I don't want them to lose their jobs."

"Well, geez, isn't that the point of this whole deal, to get them to put on some weight so they stop being all shriveled and boney and lizardy and so they won't die?"

"NO! you IDIOT. Their jobs depend on them being skeleton FREAks!"

"Oh you mean so all these Inside Edition cameras and Pat O'Brien sticks around, like for fame and shit?"

"YES but not just that you stupid bearded moron."

Just then a loud cheer erupts from the audience as the N'Sync Johnny Cash tribute number comes to a close. There is a lot of commotion backstage as a new set is shuffled onto the stage. Two jerky scented stage hands grab the SkeleTwins™ and hurry them out onto the stage. The rattling bones sound is awesome, kinda like those wooden hippie wind chimes. I feel very relaxed.

"Well gee whiz" I say "Clint black really must be a good guy if he's giving these girls like actual performer's positions. Are they back up singers? Ha ha -- or no -- I know, they are the Xylophone sticks ha ha ha -- I'm hilarious."




"Just then Clint Black rushes by me on his way to the stage. The rim of his hat slices off the top of my head and my brain bounces out on to the ground. For some reason it doesn't hurt and I feel just fine, but I notice my brain smells like cabbage.

The lights go up -- the crowd roars, I look out onto the stage. To my horror, Clint Black appears to be strangling BoneFace or DryHole, I can't tell which is which.

"What the fuck is he doing? Somebody stop him!" I yell as one of my eyeballs rolls back into the empty bowl that used to be my brain compartment and I notice that there is a lot of earwax about one millimeter from my eyeball.

My other eye can still see the stage and I rush towards it to try to help the poor anorexic freak being strangled by Clint Black.

"STOP THAT YOU JERK!!" Just then I feel a squash under my foot and I realize that I have stepped on my own brain which for some reason doesn't hurt, in fact it kinda tickles my bladder. I fall to the ground and my eyeballs both roll out of my head, one of them rolls right to the feet of Boobs HellCunt and is pointing right up her wool skirt and I can see exactly why they call her HellCunt because there is clearly a Satanic Goat Head coming out of her pentagram shaped hoowang. My other eyeball rolls out onto the stage where I can see the other SkeleTwin™ being strangled by one of Clint Black's back up singers. Both Clint Black and the back up singer are screaming directly into the terrified bony skull of their respective SkeleTwin™. The whole thing is just plain wrong. I mean I knew that country singers were all hicks and backwards as fuck but hiring two helpless skeletons just to beat them up in front of a cheering crowd is SICK I tell you.

Alright, I'm sick of writing this stupid story. The joke was going to be that it turns out that the fucking Skeletwins™ were hired to be Clint Black's mic stands. HA HA HA I know, I'm a genius. I should have just come out and said it, but I really wanted my detached eyeball to look up HellCunts skirt and I always thought it would be cool to get my cranium sliced off by Clint Blacks cowboy hat. I also had a joke where Clint Black doesn't brush his teeth so little flecks of plaque along with the tiny bits of jerky and chewing tobacco flying out of his mouth while he sings directly into their open mouthed, microphone holding heads therefore providing the Skeletwins™ with just enough nourishment to continue their employment but not enough to stop them from being functional, non-upstaging mic stands. Also there was a Pat O'Brien joke wherein he wants to lube up DryHole's dry hole with a bit of my brain so he could skull fuck her and then because my brain is the lube I have a dream that I'm his penis and her eye socket is the all seeing eye and it's all super spiritual and uplifitng but, hey -- sometimes you get sick of writing a story before you're done with it so that's all you get. Fuck off.

The End.

Now here are some lovely pictures of Latrice Barnett.







The SkeleTwins™ actual names are Rachel and Clare Wallmeyer. I want them to find this when they Google. Hi SkeleTwins™! Hope you liked my story!

That's all for now!
Dont get caught quitting what would have probably won your first Pulitzer Prize!
Your Pulitzer Prize Foregoer,
Harry S. Truman

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

you are a friggen genius! great tale.

Those chicks, I saw them too, and Pat O'Holic is soooo sympathetic and understanding because the chicks are afraid of food. God, I hate anorexia, it is vanity. Pure simple grotesque.

Don't say I don't know...I know. I KNOW. no I don't, well kinda. My best friend in CA is anorexic and has popped out 6 healthy kids and I eat healthy and can't pop out a kitten. Fuck. sorry, little rant, I will go away now...bye.

~remember the time Wendy went crazy.....it was one day before her tenth wedding anniversary....~

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Merks, this is why you are a god. No, seriously, the satanic goat shit. That was funny as fuck. I laughed so hard that I pooped out a little anorexic midget. So, naturally, I threw her in the pot roast, and before I knew it, that Ronco guy was all trying to sell me some pot roast midget cooker for 97 bucks and if I buy it today then I get the Ronco vergina processer. So, I bought it, and had a wonderful meal of pot roast midget and proccesed vergina. Thanks man, it's all because of you.

 

Blogger Professor Leotus Clouse &amp; The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

Yeah, I was with the Skeletwins™ at the Source Hip Hop Awards last year.
All that drama that was going down wasn't really from gunplay between rival hip hop camps; it was really all because the Olsen twins started getting crazy with the mace when they found out how the Skeletwins™ got first dibs on the gloryholes in the Ying Yang twins' dressing room. Evidently, it had more to do with acquiring rare sources of protein than acquiring respect through sexual favors. All white bitches got some serious health issues.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

Clint Black. . . oh my gawd I would put a hurt'n on that man. . .

OH! *blush*

Great post Merkley! I laughed at least 4 times! Super!

 

Anonymous Incognito is a gaywad.

I saw Clint scraping something off of his boot. I just assumed it was cow poop. If I'd known it was Merkley's brain, I'd have paid closer attention, and laughed really hard.

Microphone stands...lol!

I went to high school with Clint Black. I linked a photo of him with the rest of the SKateboard club to my screen name.

 

Anonymous incognit0 is a gaywad.

Crappin link didn't work. Her it is:

http://fugusashi.blogspot.com/2005/08/most-disturbing-thing-about-this-is.html

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Merkley, please write a book.

Also, today's model was good. She knows how to pose, doesn't just sit there with a martini, looking vacant.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

Where is DooWAYNE?
Why does he not comment on your blog? I am dying to reconoiter with that sexy MUFUCKER. Sheisa. Frauline.
I've said too much, as per usual. GODDAMMIT I need me some 60 second cycle.
I thought you said he was your best friend charlie brown. Looks like your best friend is too busy. Respect. BooYakasha. Respect.
I think I am not next in line for single malt/trivial pursuit if your dare double danger you sleep-on the-sofa playoffs
Forgive me now and question me later

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Wendy,
dood. don't dis anorexia mann -- it's like totally halloween and shit.

------------------------


Man, Married The.
I do it all for you my friend. if i can make marriedman laugh then i know i've done my job.

-------------------------


Professor Leotus Clouse & The Duke of Sweet Cheeks,
I totally heard about that -- wow. and you saw it all first hand. but seriously, The SkeleTwins™ are the real deal, I dodn't put this in the story becuse it didn't really happen but, when i was talking to them one of them had an eyebooger that tumbled down her face and into her mouth and within like zero seconds she had her bonefinger crammed in her throat barfing up dust and hair,

Dedication -- you gotta respect it.

-----------------------

*badgirl,
only four? how many giggles?

-------------------------

Allison S,
dude, i wrote like ten books, my pen name is montel willams -- i have a disease you know -- it makes me cry every ten seconds on TV. i smoke pot.

-----------------

TheMerryJaneTrain,
how that vodka doin over there merry jane?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

also allison
the reason why latrice is posing so well is because this wasn't just snapping pictures while out on the town, this is an actual photo shoot we did for her album coming out soon on Ultra Records -- so we had time to try lots of different things. but yes, she is a terrific model -- but the others are too when we shoot solo.

 

Anonymous The Merry Jane Train is a gaywad.

OH MERKLEY. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM DRINKING?
ARE YOU THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO DRINK WHILE EMAILING?
GOD YOUR BOSSY. AND CRANKY AS FUCK. GLAD YOU ARE YOU AND THAT YOU NEVER CHANGE. IT MAKES ME FEEL SAFE.NOW PISS OFF.

SCOTTIE IS MAKING A MUSIC VIDEO FOR YOU. SHE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU PREFER PRINCE TO MADONNA.
SERIOUSLY. HOW IS DOOWAYNE? TELL HIM HI FOR ME.

 

Anonymous themerryjanetrain is a gaywad.

HOLY SHIT THAT GIRL IS BEAUTIFUL. IS SHE YOUR NEW CRUSH? SHE IS MINE, AND I'M NO FAN OF THE PINK ONION EVEN. SHE'S REALLY EASY ON THE EYE. DOES SHE DO ANYTHING ELSE, LIKE SING OR DANCE OR DRAW? HOW MUCH OF HER BEAUTY IS HERS AND HOW MUCH IS YOUR PHOTO EDITING?

I'LL BET YOU SECRETLY WORSHIP HER. CMON MERKELY YOUR A HANDSOME FELLA, WITH ALL THE RIGHT MOVES AND A RAZOR SHARP WIT. THAT SHIT IS BETTER THAN MONEY OR AN ENORMOUS SUPER-SIZED MUFF SLUETHER. TELL THAT GIRL HOW YOU REALLY FEEL BEFORE YOU LOOSE HER.
GOT TO DASH, I HAVE A CALLING IN THE CHURCH. I AM THE PREACHERS EXECUTIVE SECRETARY AT HOME EQP3C.RESPECT.

 

Blogger Professor Leotus Clouse &amp; The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

And the Merry Jane Train pulls in and carries us away to pure blogadelic bliss. Got a lil' outta hand with the name slip though, gotta keep that in check...respect.

 

Anonymous gaby. is a gaywad.

good photographic contrast--you should have taken glamour shots of the twins when you saw them. HOT.

 

Anonymous Ms. Ardant is a gaywad.

Top photo: cd cover

Middle photo: cd back. Can you dodge her face a little and burn in the pants legs? Her face is too dark and the pants are too light.

I know, everyone is a critic.

Great photos.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

SkeleTwins is so funny. not them. the trademarked expression. they are scary.

 

Post a Comment

November 13, 2005

A 5 Billion Pound Homeless Person's Sleeping Bag Soaked In 10 Jillion Gallons of Gelatinous Pee.

Last night I was invited to see my good friend and comedic GENIUS Will Franken perform his one man show called Good Luck With It. Normally I would take a girl to see something like this but I have a dude friend who I'm gonna be calling Pee Blanket (you'll find out why a little later) that said he'd been wanting to check it out -- and it was early, there was plenty of time later for girls and it's not always good to get saddled with one girl early in the night, I mean, what if I change my mind? Besides, my first choice couldn't go.

Anyway, so despite a hilarious show on the part of Will Franken, Pee Blanket fucking FALLS ASLEEP during the show. The show is a billion miles from being sleepable. The crowd loves it. Everyone is laughing. It's a fucking great fucking show. The laughs don't stop for more than 30 seconds, nevertheless there's Pee Blanket snoring up all my energy like a black hole in the next seat.

I'm an understanding dude -- people get tired -- we all do, but when you're tired STAY THE FUCK HOME!! It's like hugging someone and saying "Man -- I got this majorly contagious disease."

Show ends -- it's only 10:15, lots of things going on a Saturday, especially this Saturday.

Pee Blanket:

"Yawwwwwnnn what else is going on tonight -- yawwwwnnnnnn"

"Well, a whole bunch of stuff. We already did A -- but there's B, C and D, I'll probably end up at C or maybe even D E or F...

"Yaaawwwwwwnnn --- so who's gonna be at B and C?"

"The same people that are always at my suggestions, notably lots of girls"

"Yaaawwwwwwwn, yeah I don't know, I think I'm gonna get a video, you know, as a back up plan ----- yaaawwwwwwn..."

I think "Back up plan? -- wtf?"

At this point Pee Blanket has broken every single law of Saturday evening party courtesy and I am 100% annoyed --- have you ever heard the term "wet blanket"? Well that doesn't even begin to describe Pee Blanket's attitude last night .... That's where he got his name and where I got the title of this post.

"Yeah, I think you oughtta just go home and sleep. You're totally draining my energy... "

"Yaaaawwwwwwnnnnn yeah well, call me if something happens"

Yeah, that'll happen. At this point I want to punch Pee Blanket in the face because I already provided A and then listed B, C, and D and a polite person just never says "Call me if fun stuff happens" when you just listed a bunch of fun stuff and it's a glaring fucking FACT that FUN is wherever I happen to be. (You can replace the word FUN with BEAUTIFUL GIRLS if you like.)



So I ditch (or am ditched by) Pee Blanket and go B which is Jillian Iva's (Von Iva) birthday party at a nice house where there are wonderful guests, a bath tub of beer and tons of awesome mexican food. My brief ten minute stomach ache (probably caused by Pee Blanket's fucking yawning), I chat with lovely ladies and carry on quite awesomely although I eat so much food that it hampers my buzz.

I quickly hit C, hug a few bitches, look at my watch -- sneak off and go to D.

At D a gigantic black dude attempts to frisk me at the door, he is dressed like a ghetto gangster with super baggy clothes, gold fronts and some Michael Jordan bullshit and I'm thinking "WHO'S FRISKING WHO HERE!!??" And so I'm irritated out of my my nutts especially because --- look --- just FUCKING FRISK THE RIGHT PEOPLE HOLMES! Got that dawg? Don't frisk The Special Guest, a.k.a. ME, who was invited by The Promoter of D because The Promoter of D wants Special Guest a.k.a ME to be a part of D next time he throws another D. I walk right in and Gigantic Negro Gangster Frisker pulls me back and says;

"10 dollars dawg."

"I'm on the list sir."

"List ended at 10" -- or some other bullshit -- ebonics is haaaaarrrd.

At this point I roll my eyes click my heels and say;

"YOU WISH!"

I will never be part of D. No fucking way. FUCK YEAH I'M A PRIMA DONNA! BITCH!

So I saunter on down the street to E. On the way I see a squirrelly, mustachioed, fur coat wearin' fashion friend who, like me, came from D and is on his way to E and I recount the awesomely fresh anecdote of the complete reversal of societal logic wherein a negro gangster from the ghetto frisks an upstanding white gentleman of good report. To this the fashion dude says;

"Careful now! Don't be racist"

And I say,

"You mean don't be hilarious and exactly dead on RIGHT?"

Squirrelly mustachioed fashion dude speeds up to create a murder buffer between us. Which doesn't really bother me because we are in the butthole of the country amongst many cracked out negros. I can't really blame the little fella. He looks so cute in his high heels. It'd be hard to run in them things.

I get to E and guess who is standing on the street out in front. -- NOPE -- WRONG -- Whatever you guessed is wrong so stop guessing and let me tell you. It's Jell-o Pee Blanket from earlier. This only annoys the fuck out of me because he should be home sleeping. He is hanging out with 2 other dude friends trying not to yawn.

"MMMEEEERRRRRKLEEEYYYYY!!!" They yell and I pretend not to hear because I am talking to a pretty hipster girl and also the yell sounds to me exactly the same as if he would have yelled"

"ACTUALLY I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO B!!!!"

So there I am, buzz wearing off -- annoyed as fuck and Pee Blanket walks up and says:

"So what did you end up doing?"

"Well, I went to Jillian's birthday party and then to C.... and then..."

"JILLIAN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY??? I WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THAT!!"

I was on the verge of saying "Well I wonder why you didn't get invited and I did? Perhaps it has something to do with --- oh -- I don't know yaaaaawwwwwwnnnnnn, being really selective and bum outy, and better than everything and insensitive to Saturday Night Good Times protocol" but instead I just said "

"Pffffft."

At this point I was REALLY annoyed so I just avoided him completely and stood around being hilariously racist with all the girls because girls absolutely love racist shit. All the pretty girls wanted me to take their picture. One sexy asian girl I don't even know actually ASKS me or really TELLS me to take her picture, as if it's my job, to which I reply:

"I don't take requests and I certainly don't take orders."

My mood slipped down the gutter from there. My buzz was soaked up in the carne asada. I declined the invitations to hipster cocaine afterparties and instead graciously accepted a ride home from a Spiritualized, Hip Hoppy, Mop Toppy, Just Bought a Beautiful 73 Mercedes That's Solid as a Rock Poppy type friend. On the way home he picks up his bubbly girlfriend and they invite me out to E for more drinks.

"E? What a Hot Dog Convention! That place is all hot dogs -- no buns" I say as I begin epitomizing the rule of "Point One Finger, There are Three Pointing Right Back" as I myself morph into the title of this post.

"You know merkley, girlfriend here says that out of all my friends you and xxxx are her favorites."

"XXXX? -- You KNOW I'm the favorite! Just admit it."

"It's true she said -- but I'm always afraid that I freak you out."

"You talk way too much but you don't freak me out."

"Good cuz I thought I freaked you out."

"Nooooowah -- all I hear is "blah blah blah blah" -- I just wait til the blabbing stops and then say something hilarious."

"That's why you're the favorite."

"Don't I fucking know it?"

Oh well, at least when I turn into A 5 Billion Pound Homeless Person's Sleeping Bag Soaked In 10 Jillion Gallons of Gelatinous Pee, It's at the END of the evening when one is supposed to be a A 5 Billion Pound Homeless Person's Sleeping Bag Soaked In 10 Jillion Gallons of Gelatinous Pee instead of at the beginning of the evening when one is supposed to be exactly like Richard Simmons.







That's all for now!
Don't get caught thinking up the term "Gelatinous Pee" because it only makes you think of rubberized poop too!
Your Favorite Bearded Princess,
Oprah Winfrey

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous lksjfdlskjfklsd is a gaywad.

People are so rude these days...Pffft is right.

You should run for Mayor, or something.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

run for mayor? dude, elections are for pussies. i began taking this city over by sheer charisma the second i moved here. i'm already recognized at city hall ans every secret society function as the beloved leader, some people just haven't been told yet --- but sooon enough ---- soon enough.... mark my words.

this city belongs to ME and boy is it ever grateful!!

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

"A 5 Billion Pound Homeless Person's Sleeping Bag Soaked In 10 Jillion Gallons of Gelatinous Pee."

That title wins an emphatic "fuck yeah." This was almost as good as your politics.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

I don't think you hugged him enough. You should Lurv your friends no matter what Mr Merkley. Maybe he was a little depressed and need a shoulder to cry on. You should also buy yourself flowers when you're mad, I know that puts me in a good mood.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,

what? no complaining? are you feeling ok?

don't make me worry.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

fluffy,
even though i clicked and i know that you are really the great Satan and therefore are fucking with me but not really because anyone knows that it's really the true and honest softies that end up going around acting all tough and Satany, you are problably right and i appreciate that you pointed out what an ass i can be.

three cheers for satan!

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

Dude..I've had so many nights like that, well not quite like that. I'm not a photographer, and the chicks I hang out with aren't hipster's most of them are heroin addicts, but some of them are pretty hot, and if I took a friend somewhere and he feel asleep I would have stolen his wallet, but I hate bouncers who have a fucking attitude. that resonates.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

That was actually one of my new inventions--the complaiment. A complaint disguised as a compliment!

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

is the beautiful girl photo thing cramping your style?

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Pee Blanket?! ahahahaa!!

I'll have to steal that name for one of the lazy, boring, stay at home on Saturday people I know..

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Calzone,
yeah, well, point is: your blog is very enjoyable so be you happy or miserable, i don't care just keep writing funny shit.

-----------------------


gabrielle,
complaiment --- or you could even say complimaint which i think rolls off the old tounge with less effort -- not that i'm complaining about your invention i'm more complimainting you.

see?

-----------------



Holly.
you know holly, I didn't think of that, but maybe it IS -- HOLY SHIT!

----------------------


Allison S,
steal away allison.

 

Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

I don't really have anything to say, I just wanted to see "Pants is a bitch."

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

eblogger
I loathe ill-behaviour esp. regarding someone behaving gracelessly in your kind company.

The one of two times I was ever tossed from a bar, was because of just such an altercation by a bouncer fitting the (racial and otherwise) was at the House of Blues in Vegas. I was there for a wedding, and was carrying the brides huge bag which I set down on the stage(wasn't being used). From across the standing only room this bastard eyeballs me and tells me to move it. I ask him politely if I could perhaps check it. He grunts,"NO, move it off the stage or else." I wait for him to leave and then put it back. (it's enormous and heavy and filled with my camera equipment) He comes back later and tells me to move it again. I appeal to his reason and ask him nicely what he thinks I should do with it while I am dancing with the wedding party, (the entire party had been solicited by the club's promoters to come to the House of Blues) He replies with a look of sheer vitriol "why don't you carry it, you lazy white bitch." To which I reply while picking up my things;"Do you know what we have here? We have ourselves a case of reverse racism. But, sadly also, one of us is an under-privileged, under-educated, low-paid, asshole with father issues." And walked complacently towards the door with him following behind me with a flash light on me yelling that I was bounced to everyone that cared to listen to him above the noise. When I got outside I turned to him and asked him in front of a line of people and security. "What's your name?" Challenged, he told me. I said with as much Clint Eastwood as
I could, "Charmed". And just stood there glaring at him with arms and legs crossed leaning against a column. Then, I waited for some security to come over to me, and proceeded to ask them questions about this fucko. How long had he worked there? Does have any previous history with violence? Stuff that I would need if I were going to have him fired or file charges. When I worked for Nordstrom, our jobs were seriously in danger if we received any complaints from customers. All the employees lived in fear of a customer complaint. Sinced this was the House of Blues, a stock-traded corporation, I figured the best revenge would be to put the fear of the Company in him.
Do you think I have issues? I remember when you chided me for calling the cops when that Tonya Harding lookalike punched me in the shoulder while I was in seatbelted, in my car, at the order window of Taco Bell at BYU. You said it was not cool to call the cops.

Remember the time we were at a party in provo and you were so bored you started charging admission at the door? All these goofy looking returned missionaries coming to some Sam Hall wank fest, and this is where all the ladies were, so in order not puke all over themselves, you started charging?
I knew I loved you for all eternity when I saw you doing that. That was the same party where I was so shocked to see some needle-dick I had had my first Mormon Panty-Pumping Makeout with in 1988,(my pubic bone was sore for weeks) that I exclaimed and pointed out loud and yelled up at him from where I was downstairs with you;"HEY! I TOTALLY MADE OUT WITH YOU LAST YEAR!" He was with his fiance.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

dude odly enough, I left this great comment on your previous post, not thinking. so, uh here it is.


who is this fucking badgirl. she showed up crying when calzone and i raided the casual friday blog.

badgirl.

seriously

effing, makes me wanna pull your tits off of your body and eat them with a pitchfuckingfork.

and huggs or huggles or whatever the fuck. god damnit. you have issues.

I can't take you anymore. And I mean that in the meanest way possible.

uhhh

yay for merkley, now when are we gonna play grosser than gross?


there man.

I just felt it needed to be said.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

m pant's
well it won't say that for long because i'm gonna change it right after i responnd to the comment right above this one so HA HA HA!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holy shit merry jane

that was like an entire BOOK. i died from old age reading that. a maggot already ate my weiner and pooped it out and then it was dirt.... wait -- i already did this gay circle of life comment in response to a long comment before.

i have nothing more to say

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

marriedman.
i dont know who badgirl is -- i like her name and i like most of the people in her links, but what really matters is that she was part of that awesome blogfight over at casual fridays. i think i like everyone from that fight.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

did you check it out man, we made him so upset, that he up and quit. fucker.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i'm gonna have to assume that he quit for other reasons because he obviously had a bit of a sense of humor, i'm thinking he just didn't want to be the manager of the pedophile convention --- there is no way that shit could have made him upset -- how could someone be so thin skinned?

i thought the fight was cool -- it all seemed to be in good fun. you'd have to be awfully dense not to pick up on it.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Either way, it was awesome.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

*kicks Merkley in the Shins*

Don't you EVER think of not blogging no mo'! There's more where that came from! (p.s Your still my hero)

Chang- You fucking ass licking monkey fart- You come to Merkley's blog to tell me off? I have a blog. You've commented on it dumbass! How fucking lame is that! Lemme tell you how lame! EFFING lame! Did you EVER stop and wonder why I never even looked at your blog?? Because if your comments are as lame as they are, reading your blog may infact kill me. You effing Lamer. Your new name is effing Poop Face McGee. Effer.

Copy and paste. . . all right, now off to Poopface McGee's blog. .

k love you, k bye!

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

badgirl- you are so hot when you are angry. I'm sorry that you think that my comments are lame. Next time I make a comment, I'll ask your opinion on it first. And about the new name. Sounds good to me.

merks- are you turned on by this too?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i dont want you two anger humping on my blog. last time you did that i got a piece of some unidentified meat stuck in my peehole and i was just minding my own business.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

merks- you are never minding your own business. you are always snooping around trying to get your penis into my ear and shit. that fucking hurts man, last time I used up a whole box of Johnson & Johnson Q-tips trying to get your semen out. that shit is like fucking cement.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

merry jane,
yes -- i used to charge at the door at lots of house parties that werent mine. i still talk about it now ans often times consider doing it.

i should write about that -- oops -- already did.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

I think the time for talking is just about over Poop face. I think the time has come that we all have sex with bad girl while she is tied up with an apple in her mouth. Everything any one of has ever done has led to this moment. We attacked casual Friday so we could jiggle Bad Girls buttocks around while she is trussed up like a turkey.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ok -- i'm for it but only if badgirl gives the play by play. and even if she doesn't well, you two are gonna do what you're gonna do anyway -- i just really don't wanna crack this scab on my drill, when it cracks it's like deep enough to house a vietnemese family of 12 and the last time i rented it out, the family didn'y know how to care for their cats and now my drill scab smells like cat pee. you can't get rid of that smell. trust me. bleach just makes it look like mashed potatoes that smell like cat pee and bleach -- but that's cool i guess.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

you also tell little girls that your video camera is a direct live feed to gwen stefani.


though its a little freaky how this blog has turned into MIDDLE AGE MEN RAPE NAUGHTY TEENAGE BLOGGER IN COMMENTS. creepy more than freaky.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yeah well it's better that it happen here where i can supervise than if it happened -- oh, you know --- over on married man's blog whhere ther rulle is "ALL EYES OUT!" wherein everyone removes their eyeballs with a communal spoon only to sit in a circle crying wondering why nobody but marriedman is aroused.

fake eyeballs -- that's why.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

Her willingness is implied.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

I dont think those are real eyeballs Merkley I think those are peeled grapes.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

also gaby,
developmentally it's obvious nobody is over the age of 9 around here. add to that uncooperative plumbing and what you really have is an innocent game of post office --- aaaawwwwweee, now it all seems so sweet doesn't it?

avert your gaze young lady.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

I seriously think I just peed myself.

As for raping/banging/attempting to pleasure me?

Um, thanks. . . on second though just no thanks.

I am meant only for Brian.

Merkely- You can watch.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

Can Merkley videotape it and put it on his blog with HIGH-LARIOUS commentary? Maybe add some rotating guitars in the background and stuff?

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

Ehhhh, no. But you can watch too. You seem nice enough.


HEY! We can tape record it. . . leave it to the imagination, sell it on Ebay, charge double!!

I like it! Your in charge of that part!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

badgirl,
well -- hmmmn -- how bout this, i've been reeeeally bust lately so i probably won't be able to make it -- BUT, it doesn't sound like something i want to miss, so would you mind if i sent my assistant Horhay?

he is a very unimposing mexican boy of the highest caliber. he won't be able to WATCH per se due to the fact that he was rendered completely blind after one of marriedmans little "eyeballs out" dealies, but the boy is an absolute whizz kid when it comes to braille -- he can tell you with 99% certaintity the secret messages sent directly to you from the mother mary and jesus christ spelled out in pimples on your ass.

yeah, i ddn't know about Ass Pimple Braille From Jesus either-- but you just wait till he decodes that shit for you.

truly spiritual -- truly enlightening. i'll never be the same.

oooh -- i just got chills thinking about it.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

Zit free is the way to be. Thats my slogan. Really. Its tattooed on my arse.

So, I'm afraid that won't do.

Oh well. Sounded fun for the moment. . . **sigh**

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

"he is a very unimposing mexican boy of the highest caliber. he won't be able to WATCH per se due to the fact that he was rendered completely blind after one of marriedmans little "eyeballs out" dealies, but the boy is an absolute whizz kid when it comes to braille -- he can tell you with 99% certaintity the secret messages sent directly to you from the mother mary and jesus christ spelled out in pimples on your ass."


This post has brought out the particular brilliance in you Merkley, but we are all Americans. No Mexicans here. Monoculture. Eesh, you multiculturalists.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

This is so fucked, I never said anything about raping or banging badchick I was thinking of trussing her up and jiggling her ass. Thats as fucking all american as apple pie. Like Everytime I'd slap her ass I'd be all "What's the fart flavor of the day bitch"? and shit like that.

Basically I'm talking about having fun yo.

 

Anonymous you're so gay is a gaywad.

This is some funny shit. Keep up the good work, gaywads.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

Oh and horhay?? Fuck that dogpound, last time I partied with him I woke up and all my pubes were shaved and stuck to my face with his semen. He said he gave me the Abraham Lincoln.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
no - Horhay is an actual citizen of Mexico. he doesn't speak a lick of english and i suspect he might be slightly retarded -- (he spells his name "j-o-r-g-e" poor fella)

all this of course helps him channel the love and great wisdom of jesus christ as he gently caresses the secrets locked within your ass pimples.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

You can jiggle my butt

if I can jiggle your nuts.

With a jack hammer.


In a hurricane.

That just made me hawt.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

See I fucking told you. I'm so in. Baby when we're done can you give me a ride to the mall and shit?

 

Anonymous you're so gay is a gaywad.

I want to hear about Horhay and Calzone.

What the fuck is an Abraham Lincoln?

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

Cal-

Sure why not! Well, I won't shit. I have a thing about public bathrooms. *shudder*


ekbrdy
The sounds of shitting out a live bird.
(who comes up with these word verifications)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

*badgirl,

"who comes up with these word verifications"

Horhay.

WV: Gzeesh -- no lie.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

An Abraham Linclon is when someone jacks off on your face, then shaves your pubes and then puts your pubes back on your face making you look like the great Abraham Lincoln.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

How old is Jorge? Is he in first grade? I think he may be in my painting class on Thursdays. Does he piss himself a lot?

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Jeez, I missed this while parading as a bunny.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

I know, It was rather long-winded. Sorry, I don't get out much these days. But your post inspired me to vent. I owe you some royalties on Merkletude that I have been executing to my own advantages. That's all.
I have to admit that I employed your original idea to any any lame party I might have had the misfortune of being subjected to. I will cut you a percentage tout suite. Please don't be mad at me. I have cleaned up at such shindigs.
aside
Have you ever seen the Hitchcock movie Frenzy?

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

at least you're not stuck in Q, debating whether you'd hate V or Z worse.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

wait?!? horhay comes up with the word verifuckations. I should kill him, or sleep with him. I can't decide. what do you think?

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

great post. I love reading about your life...and pee blanket's. What a rude dude.

 

Blogger Professor Leotus Clouse &amp; The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

I 55th that motion, good post, full of fear of loathing.

 

Blogger MPD is a gaywad.

I just found your blog. I applaud you immensely as well. I'm definately putting a link on my blog for you. Hey I got a new game on my newest blogpost I think you will enjoy

See ya soon

MPD

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

GET FRENZY FROM NETFLIX. WATCH IT. CALL ME AFTER. WELL TALK.GOOD TIMES.RESPECT.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU JUST SAID YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING MORE ELSE TO SAY. SUCKAH!......YOU'RE A PLEEBE. HAHAAH! AMATEUR. YOU SUCK/ROCK. GET RIGHT.

 

Post a Comment

November 11, 2005

Comment? Fuckin' Fuck Yeah I Got A Fuckin' Comment -- A Fuckin' Awesome Comment Too!

I decided to stop wasting my genius comments out there in the eeenternet. I left these two comments on raymi's blog before she nuked her comments cuz dicks were all fuckin up her positive vibes n'shit dude.

Begin awesome comment:

The only thing I can ever think about in the bath (which only happens when it's freezing) is that the water that was just in my buttcrack and underneath my marblebag is now probably floating around my chin and little microscopic buttcrack/marblebag germs are laughing their dirty germ asses off trying to get in my mouth.

Baths are gross.

End awesome comment.


Neela


Begin next awesome comment:

Yesterday, the girl who introduced me to your blog came over and got me for breakfast, we ate crab on the pier but on the way home I realized that I had a major case of violent drunk poop gut. She wanted to rent a movie so I said she could go get it. I said it because I wanted some private poop time but she wasn't picking up on it and instead she said:

"Well let's just watch a movie you already have"

So I was like -- "fuck", and then I ended up holding in a drunk poop and all it's subsequent farts through the whole movie ELF which was really fucking hard because it's hard to hold back explosive drunk butt when you are also laughing.

She will read this now and certain things will make more sense.

Thank you for providing this forum.

End next awesome comment.


Now here are even more shiny photos of hipsters.


Jenny Young



Clockwise from top: Emily-Betty, Cims, Elise-Marie


Lindsay



Elizabeth Morse. Happy Birthday!












Byron


That's all for now!
Don't get caught wasting pure genius on everybody else's blogs!
Your Stunt Masturbation Coordinator,
President Ronald Reagan

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous 1 little merkley is a gaywad.

I was thinking of starting a blog detailing your genius comments from around the world wide web. I would call it "Merkleyisms".

Ah, forget it.

I read many blogs just for the comments, but Raymi's blog is good with or without comments.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

merkley, your comments that you have left at my place are priceless and it wouldn't be the same without them. Are you really going to quit? I don't think I can handel it.

hey, when are we gonna play grosser than gross.

it would be historic.

 

Anonymous 1 little merkley is a gaywad.

Shit, I missed that part...you can't quit commenting!

You can't, You can't!

Your comments are the best!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

1 Little merkley,
i agree -- raymi is fine as just raymi, -- her comments section is never as interesting as her stuff -- except of course when i comment then it's fanfuckintasteeek.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

marriedmean,

well there is no place more fun to commment than on your blog. it's the one place i am quite certain i cant overdo it. it's nice to have a place where excessive assholery is the standard.

why the fuck would you get the idea i could or would ever quit commenting --- being a smartass is part of my very core.

 

Anonymous Szugye The Great is a gaywad.

OH FUCK! A drunk poop and stomach pains (that is a fuckin awesome combination).

Why the hell would you EVER take a bath dude? That shit is for homo-pee-pee-poopie-people.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

szuge,
sometimes when it's really really cold --- being a homo-poo-poo-pee-pee-people is just what the proctologist ordered.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

oh yeah,
that sign off wasn't meant to suggest that i was gonna stop commenting --- i couldn't manage that even if i tried -- i'm a fuckin loud mouth, that won't ever change -- i just meant -- why let it just sit there when i can post it here where all the people who read this awesome blog but dont know the dark corners and shady internet hallways in which i wallow?

see?

that's why i have an FBI file and you don't.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i would love to see a series of shots where your subjects give you the finger.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

yep, your comments on Raymi's were awesome. The comments are awesome here. When I read them initially I thought you should stick them up here, now you have. Scary mind voo doo mannnn!

I too have an FBI file, thanks Dad.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

poops,
you know -- i have a lot of those and i have thought about that. people love to do that shit. maybe one day i will compile them all.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
oh -- isn't it nice to agree! hooray!

 

Blogger Professor Leotus Clouse &amp; The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

Well, I'll be looking forward to taking advantage of this once in a lifetime offer to own Merkley's??? Boob Diary and Finger Bang collection. Exclusively on the home shopping network of course.
Hell, it would be worth it just to see the customer testimonials segment.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

professor,
you must be refering to the dark places comment --- or maybe you're drunk -- or maybe i just don't know what the hell you're talking about. probably the last one. definitely the last one.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

btw -- my word verification the last comment was

titfux

this one is

jenymink

i know a girl named jenny and i know that mink is very soft -- the whole thing is totally porn

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

Fregg'n Idiot!

Fregg'n post something already. GAWD! I didn't effing link you so people could read the same shit over and over and over and over and over and laugh until their spleens burst. Damn.

(You can thank Allision)

kkhosa
The gentle sound of a duck getting run over by a bus. . *tear*

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

badgirl,
holy crap -- settle down -- i got enough in the archives to keep your ten billion readers itching their nuttsack for like 4.6 hours -- over ten houors for slow readers, you know, the types with whom badgirls hang -- knowwhuddamean??
knowwhuddamean??
knowwhuddamean??
knowwhuddamean??
huh?
huh?
huh?
huh?

now shut it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

but also -- thanks for the link darlin!

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

i think you should post more political blogs BECAUSE then i would bug you on instant messenger less. political blogs interspersed with pretty pictures.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

OHOHOHOH I know where he can start too!

Merkley, I will *heart* you forever if you play with this guy countryoftherighteous.blogspot.com/

Please!? He believes that broccaflower is a plant of satan. No. Seriously. Ask him.

(((huggles)))

kywkybb
Its code for 'quicky bareback'

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

who is this fucking badgirl. she showed up crying when calzone and i raided the casual friday blog.

badgirl.

seriously

effing, makes me wanna pull your tits off of your body and eat them with a pitchfuckingfork.

and huggs or huggles or whatever the fuck. god damnit. you have issues.

I can't take you anymore. And I mean that in the meanest way possible.

uhhh

yay for merkley, now when are we gonna play grosser than gross?

 

Post a Comment

November 09, 2005

Dear Retard That Voted For The Ban On Hand Guns

Way to fucking go you stupid turdbrained moron.

Ask yourself one very fucking easy question that even your average booger munching retard can answer correctly.

Do criminals obey the law?

NO you deficient fucking poobrained dolt! Outlawing guns only ensures that bad ass criminals will have them and NOBODY ELSE! DUH.

Holy fucking fuck you really are a dimwitted doof if you voted for this. Seriously, what the fuck happened to you to make you so insanely stupid? Were you trapped in the birth canal too long? Did you drink a gallon of brain remover?

You are so stupid you're a danger to yourself and ME. Holy Crap! What if your stupidity is so intense that it rubs off on me? Get away from me you contagious brain dead ignoramus! I can smell your stupidity. Holy shit I can even see it! It's like cartoon green wavy stink lines coming off your stupid stupid stupid stupid body.

Listen here dumbfuck. Study any place -- ANY PLACE that has ever banned guns like this and look at the crime rates -- they go UP EVERY SINGLE TIME!

-------dddduuuuuuuurrrrrrrr uuuuhhhhhhh ddddoooooiiiii --- now how could that be?

BECAUSE CRIMINALS KNOW THAT THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES WITH GUNS! It's like shooting turds in a bucket.

Oh -- fuck ----- right now, I hate you -- you mentally defective jackass who voted for the ban.

Look, SnotFerBrains,--- if you voted for this ban and you want me to continue being nice or civil to you in public ----- you better not tell me that you voted for it because my respect for you will be wiped clean. Gone. Caput. Never to return. You are too ganked and stupid to climb out of that dark hole of ignorance in which you wallow like a headless retarded rat.

Seriously. If you voted for the ban. Don't tell me about it. I want to still like you but I really don't think I could. YOU ARE DANGEROUSLY DUMB.

Now go fuck yourself.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught -- you know what? -- fuck you!
Your --- ah -- seriously -- fuck off,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

merkley dont fret it will go through the courts and be deemed unconstitutional, and then we can all shoot our handguns in the air, cowboy style.


and guns are still legal in oakland, whoopy.

i tried to vote but got turned away on account of being a gun felon.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

It passed?! Holy shit man. Get the hell out of there. Californians are nuts anyway without all the badguys having guns and all the goodguys having none.

Move to NM, no really. We can carry concealed handguns as long as you have a permit. And you know what? WE DO! If a badguy tries to take out a New Mexican, chances are they will get their head blown off.

Oh, by the way, if anyone cares, the French can't own weapons. Guess what? Neither can the cops. But, the maniac rioters can and are and the cops can do nothing but pray to Holy God that eventually the government will call out the military. That my fellow Californians, is what happens when you take away the right to bear arms. Idiots...oh, and Idiots.

 

Blogger pisscock mcgee is a gaywad.

Dear Sir-

I don't know what's going on, but I recall you once not all too long ago extended a very gracious invitation for myself to drop by your home, only sans nudity and furthermore my gun would be checked at the door by a Korean I think (you must be a rich man to afford to pay a Korean his quarter an hour to check guns at your door). I rest assured that this caveat was due to my suppsed mental instability as far as you're concerned, rather than a hatred of firearms. Perhaps now, as a legal resident of about every state except California, I can offer my services as Merkley's personal hogleg-toting bodyguard, replete with "prison stare" cultivated from years of sharing company with men naturally infected with that stare. Or perhaps you should just move to Austin. I am going to need your help in a half year or so. Just do it. My egg's done boiling so I have to go.


PS- but in Austin we can't smoke anymore, so there's the trade.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

We have a ban on handguns, crime rates went down.

Crazy fucking Americans and their fucking bullshit love of hand guns. What's the matter America? Do your gents have unusually small penis'? Well why don't you take your now illegal hand gun and shove it so far up your ass that it rubs against your prostrate giving you the woody of all woody's. Then you can sing to it, and you can dance and celebrate and then just as your reaching a giddy state of orgasmic ecstacy pull the fucking trigger until your chamber is empty or you can't pull the trigger any more. Then with you dying gasp you can scrawl across the ground with bloody stump of your weeg "You'll have to take my gun from my dead cold ass" and don't forget to use a fucking exclamation mark because you wouldn't want to leave any doubt in the mind of a passing wide-eyed horror filled child that you, yes you, love your stupid fucking handgun more than your own stupid fucking life even though, like so many others, were the stupid fucker who shot themselves instead of someone else.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Holy ass fucking monkey turds! That sucks that you live over there. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't carry my gun around in my panties.

No seriously, that's retarted.

And I love you.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby.

i know -- but unfortunately stupidity will never be fixed by the courts.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
new mexico is too hot.
despite the complete lack of reason here -- i actually love it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

pissdick,
actually, i liked austin when i was there. but it is quickly turning into a bowl of pussies.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

small dicks. yes. that's it. our dicks are small. that's why we LOVE guns. that's why i wrote that lovely poem about how i want to shove a gun up my butt and have sex with it. wait. that was you. my little tirade was about stupidity. you chose to make it a story about penises and guns. hmmn -- lovely.

of course if you google "australia hand gun ban" you will find a ton of statistics that suggest crime went up. you will also find a lot of back pedaling by the government and other anti-gun orgs -- personally, without the hands on experience working at the local australian morgue or hospital for the last 50 years, i am at a loss to know the actual effect. i can however use my brain which has a lovely ability to extract common sense logic out of a complicated argument and say --- DUH! only law abiding citizens obey the law. such a simple way to shift power. ingenious really.

now, as far as your pent up angst towards the genitalia of american males ---well, i have an idea. although i'm not gay, i am charitable and i have a penis that you can stick in your mouth -- perhaps it might serve as a pacifier ---- suck little baby suck --- fall asleep and dream little one --- thaaaat's right --- good little satan. sweet dreams honey pie.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

married man,
i love you too -- as soon as satan falls asleep....

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

HA!

Dude, when have you EVER taken me seriouly?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

satan,

well -- ya got me you bastard.

whew, so i don't have to let you slurp my weehaw now? -- well, i guess you can -- you know -- if you wanna.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Sure Brother, for you, anytime!

Nah, I grew up in a semi-rural area. The day they banned semi-automatic rifles was the pits. Try culling a herd of 30 feral goats while only armed with a bolt action rifle. Stupid fucking Govt. You're right about the back-peddling though, I don't know anyone who actually handed in their guns. The Govt. were a little concerned how they could afford to track everyone down and fine them for it.

Just hold onto your gun, the laws are bound to get overturned eventually.

 

Blogger Professor Leotus Clouse &amp; The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

Move down here to Texas Merkley!
You're guaranteed your firearm, and lots a crazyfucks to shoot at too.

 

Blogger pisscock mcgee is a gaywad.

Praise Be, PLC&TDOSC. That's a deuce of votes for Merkley in Tecksus. Much as you rail against faggotry, sir, you should be hopping at the opportunity to run from that rainbow-colored, gunless burg. Find a place where you may walk about every day looking like Hank Jr. A place like that would be like a whole other cuntry!

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

merkley- look. I used to live in Idaho. Not just Idaho, but North Idaho. We used to have the fucking Aryian Nations for fucks sake. We wouldn't have given up guns if George W Bush had personally asked us to. In my spare time I hunted rabbits, deer, and faggots. Until I shot myself. That sucked.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

professor,

ah -- texas. yes. that is one more vote.

there are certainly lots of things about texas that are appealing, not the least of which is a healthy population of extremely fat black women with boobs the size of my entire body.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

peeween,
yes. but you know, my hatred of the gays is due to my fascination with the butthole. which is also why i hate mushrooms and puckered lips and mollusks and certain types of ponytail holders.

wait -- what were we talking about?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

marriedman,

ah the metzgers -- such a lovely bunch.

i shoot myself in the face every ten minutes -- i agree, it sucks. i should stop -- but it's hard because there's like a tax break or some shit my accountant is all jumpy about that requires that my face look like ground beef. i should cook my own face and eat it.

 

Blogger The Caretaker is a gaywad.

Lets hear more about putting a baby down by letting him suckle your penis.
Visiting colleges as a high schooler, I went to a party once called "Nugs not Guns." Suprised I didn't end up going to Univ. of Colorado...maybe it was my cousin having actual weed trading cards.

 

Blogger Willy Jo is a gaywad.

are you sum kind of politiker now er sumthin?
i like guns, you like guns, we all like guns, i mean who dernt like guns?

 

Post a Comment

November 07, 2005

What Kind of fucked Up Bag of Dicks Word Has 2 letter "U"s Right In a ROW???!!!

So some random name appeared in my IM buddies list and I investigated and it turns out it was this chick who I didn't know and to whom I dropped a quick note one day to thank her for linking me. She never responded til I investigated. She didn't deserve this:

merkley???: i should just start bugging the crap out of you now
merkley???: you know
merkley???: for no reason at all
RandomVictim: oh, excellent idea
merkley???: you probably deserve it
RandomVictim: what the fuck are you?
RandomVictim: CATHOLIC?
merkley???: somewhere along the line you probably bugged the crap out of someone else.
merkley???: pretend i'm poking you in the chest
merkley???: in the sternum
RandomVictim: okay...
merkley???: annoying isnt it?
RandomVictim: haha
RandomVictim: pretend i shot you in the head
RandomVictim: yay, no more annoyance!
merkley???: thats not annoying unless you did it with a squirt gun filled with stinky spit.
merkley???: even more annoying if you just pointed it at me without shooting it.



merkley???: now i have a rubberband and i'm pointing it at your eye
merkley???: squinting means you're gay
merkley???: ha ha
merkley???: you squinted
merkley???: gay
RandomVictim: i can't believe you just called me gay
merkley???: i know
merkley???: it's hard to belive
merkley???: i can barely believe it myself
merkley???: holy crap
merkley???: guess what...
merkley???: dude
merkley???: dude!
merkley???: dude!!
merkley???: dude!!!
merkley???: how can i bug you if you ignore me?
RandomVictim: what?
RandomVictim: sorry i'm writing something
merkley???: guess what...
RandomVictim: what?
merkley???: chicken butt
merkley???: guess why..
merkley???: chicken thigh
merkley???: guess whahina
merkley???: chicken vagina
merkley???: there
merkley???: that's the joke
merkley???: i was too impatient to wait for you to respond.
RandomVictim: ha
RandomVictim: ha
RandomVictim: ha
merkley???: when YOU tell it you can also add in "guess whahenis -- chicken penis"
RandomVictim: that's actually funny.
merkley???: that's because i invented it.
RandomVictim: congratulations



merkley???: now pretend i'm lightly flicking your ear and making a loud snort noise
merkley???: now i'm taking little round orange stickers and putting them in the back of your hair so you look stupid when you go to school
RandomVictim: are you ever going to get tired of this?
merkley???: i grew up with a lot of sisters
merkley???: they would tell you no
RandomVictim: how many?
merkley???: i have 17 siblings
merkley???: i know how to bug
RandomVictim: wow you really are catholic
RandomVictim: or a liar
merkley???: mormon dood
RandomVictim: same thing
RandomVictim: do you actually have 17 siblings?
RandomVictim: that seems a little, i don't know, fucking crazy
merkley???: with steps included -- yes
RandomVictim: oh, stepsiblings
RandomVictim: ew
merkley???: invaders
merkley???: whatcha writin -- huh --- huh --- huh ---?
merkley???: huh?
merkley???: huh?
merkley???: huh?
merkley???: huh?
merkley???: huh?
merkley???: huh?
RandomVictim: i'm writing for a website... but it's not up yet so maybe i can't tell you.
merkley???: oooh
merkley???: a seeeecret
merkley???: i used to bug my mom until she cried.
merkley???: and then i'd keep doing it until she laughed.
merkley???: and then she'd cry because i made her laugh when she was mad.
RandomVictim: i can't believe you had a mom.
RandomVictim: you have no manners!
merkley???: i know
RandomVictim: that's okay
merkley???: tell me about it
RandomVictim: you're amusing
merkley???: sheesh
RandomVictim: crazies always make me laugh
merkley???: YOU'RE crazy
merkley???: i'm awesome
merkley???: way different
RandomVictim: i am not crazy!
RandomVictim: well
RandomVictim: not compared to you
RandomVictim: compared to you, courtney love is a shining example of mental togetherness
merkley???: you WISH!!!




merkley???: ok now pretend i'm vaccuming
merkley???: and i keep getting close to where your feet are
merkley???: and you lift them up
merkley???: but i dont vaccum underneath them
merkley???: and I do it ten times
merkley???: until you give up
merkley???: and stop lifting them
merkley???: and then i bump into the sides of your feet until you lift them again
merkley???: but again i dont vaccum underneath your stupid feet
merkley???: but this time when you try to put them down, i hurry and shove the vaccum under them and leave it running but i leave the room and turn off the lights.
merkley???: holy shit i'm good at this
RandomVictim: yeah you really are
merkley???: now i wish i had a vaccum
merkley???: am i even spelling that right? where's my dictionary?
merkley???: i knew that was wrong
merkley???: vacuum has two "U"s not two "C"s.
merkley???: but you just let me go on spelling it wrong like an ass.
merkley???: what the fuck kind of bag of dicks word has two "U"s right in a row???
merkley???: i'll tell you what kind of word!:
merkley???: a word that SUCKS!!!
merkley???: HO
merkley???: LEE
merkley???: FUCK
merkley???: i am a genius
merkley???: i just made that up
merkley???: i could write jokes for a gum company.




That's all for now!
Don't get caught raping a termite mound!
Your Overly Pleasant Cruise Director,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Adrian is a gaywad.

I can't believe that i not only clicked that link, but that i also read most of that post. i don't know who i'm angrier at, you, that girl or myself. secretly i know its me but accepting blame is for responsible adults.

 

Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

Good God Merkley?? This blog with all these beautiful women you put up every day is the only thing that keeps me from slitting my wrist on my keyboard everyday while I look at excel spreadsheets for 10 hours a day. Please keep up the good work. Oh yeah I’ve been meaning to ask do these girls like you for you’re incredibly witty humor (poop jokes), or do they like you for the camera?

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

can't you come up with original IMs merkley?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

adrian,
you are angry at the army of hotdogs crammed up your butt. get a mirror and take a look if you don't believe me.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

vk,
they like me because of my notoriously adorable weeliepud and unstoppable dorito-like pheremones.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
i'll tell you what -- you come up with an original personality and pleasant disposition and i'll put a smidge more effort into keeping you all twinkly and gay -- ok? ok.

now shut the hell up.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I learned more about you in this one post than I have in all the other posts combined. I learned that you and I were separated at birth. (which is amazing because we are a year apart in age and I was born here and you were born "there".)I too annoyed my siblings relentlessly as a child. And, I too was Morman!

I do the vacuum thing to my husband even now as an adult. It is so awesome.

 

Blogger heather is a gaywad.

i thought i told you to stop harrassing my little sister.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

It's like I'm your lost cum-towel child. Why did you leave that towel in the change rooms for that poor woman to use?

All these years she thought it was immaculate conception, but it was just you being a Perv wasn't it?

Yes it was!

Daddy?!

 

Blogger bardot is a gaywad.

"vac-cum". eheheheh.

you're such as scenester, merkley. i love it.

 

Post a Comment

November 04, 2005

13 Amazing Inventions That I Invented Just Now.

1. FreshPants™ - Charcoal filter underpants. Go ahead, fart, no smell.

2. Mr. Pee Mister™ - Aerosol weeezoid adapter for when you need to turn your pee or semen into a fine mist.

3. Alarm Cock™ - An alarm for ladies, toddlers and fags who miss their ex-boyfriend/step fathers waking them up with his boner.

4. YumPlugs™ - Mint flavored ear plugs.

5. FartCharge™ - Fart powered cell phone charger. Dude, there is energy in your farts.

6. EverTurd™ Turd Calcification Ointment - Immediately turns your poop into beautiful stone.

7. EverTurd Polisher™ - EverTurd™ Tumbler and polishing kit for use with TurdStones™ created with EverTurd™ Turd Calcification Ointment.

8. EverTurd Terrazzo™

9. TurdLaunch™ Common Turd Slingshot - Regular slingshots are too violent for your common fragile turd.

10. Returd™ - Turns EverTurd™ calcified TurdStones™ back into regular turds for use with the TurdLaunch™ Common Turd Slingshot.

11. EverTurd DenTurds™ - Kit for making attractive dentures out of EverTurd™ calcified TurdStones™.

12. SpermSure™ Inseminating Condom - Condom for infertile men or dildo wiedling dykes that comes preloaded with fertile freeze dried sperm guaranteed to break and inseminate at climax.

13. NoodlePants™ - Dried pasta that becomes a comfortable pair of pants when cooked.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught making Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Edison look like total hacks in the 13 minutes it took to write this piece of pure genius.
Your Nobel Prize Winning TurdSlinger™
merkley???™

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Rock the fuck on! I love the dildo, I came up with one once it was called the Lubradill 2000 Turbo LX, it was heat sensitive, and cummed lube when it reached a certain tempature.

 

Blogger The Caretaker is a gaywad.

In high school, I invented an alarm clock for people that had trouble getting up. It would chant "pube, pube, pube" in a high pitched voice and would only allow one hit of the snooze. If you didn't turn it off after one snooze, prison inmate pubes would shoot out of the clock and completely cover your bed/eyelids/lips/etc.
I invented it after I realized that prison inmate pubes would probably be really cheap to get. I would just need to hone my instant messanger chat room creepiness and send thousands of letters to inmates asking for their pubes and a love note. I could then publish the love notes and have a boatload of pubes.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

mmr
did you get a patent?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

caretaker,
you are obviously a genius. thank you for being here.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

you're not funny anymore

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yes i am

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

nope

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yup

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

no you're not. funny people write funny things not just turdstone this and turdstone that.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

not true -- funny people don't write funny stuff. thats what comedians do. i ain't no freakin comedian.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

so do you think this little comments section thing is funny?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

do you?

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

nope

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

so then you admit that i am in fact funny.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

were

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

AM

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

this is sooooo gay.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

you can stop whenevr you want

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

no i cant

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

why not?

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

because i'm not even a real person, i'm just you posting as anonymous

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

so are you trying to say that i cant stop if i wanted to?

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

well apparently you cant

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

so are you calling me fat?

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

i don't need to

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

takes one to know one

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

yup

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

fuck off.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

ok

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i don't know how to read. sincerely i don't, i have no idea what i'm typing right now. no idea whatsoever. i don't understand anything on this website. i don't even have the internet. what is the internet? what's going on here?

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

STOP! dear god STOP!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i cant

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

i TOLD you

 

Anonymous Szugye is a gaywad.

Where is photo section "five?"

Fab art kids:www.szugye.com

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

what the hell is going on around here? Is everyone drunk? Or, is everyone insane?

Yes.
you.
Nope.
Yep.
Stop.
No.
Yes.
Why.
Now.
Noway i friggen like it.
Go away.
no.
yes.
No.
Yes.
No.

Okay now I can't stop seriously, someone kill me or something...

It.
is.
too.
much.
fun.
ok.
bye.
now.
drunks.

 

Anonymous c.b. is a gaywad.

lol...i love it when you talk to yourself.

 

Blogger Cameron P is a gaywad.

Those things would never work b/c they're gay. Gay stuff doesnt work. It's proven, bitch,


Cameron P

 

Anonymous gabby is a gaywad.

i would only buy the noodlepants, and only as a gift for someone who needs a yeast infection

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

I ditched my infantile leech of a boyfriend, but I don't still need the alarm cock. My cat wakes me up with his boner.

For a while, I thought anonymous was me and I just didn't remember posting.

 

Blogger Paul is a gaywad.

I'll have you know I invented those noodle pants in '87 after I hit my head on the toilet.

 

Blogger krissy is a gaywad.

Mkay. I'm officially mesmerized.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Dude, that whole charcoal underwear thing has already been invented. It was on the David Letterman show years ago.

I think that in all fairness you should remove that and in exchange you can use one of my inventions instead: DEHYDRATED WATER! All you have to do is add two quarts of water and it yields two quarts of "high quality water." Unfortunately, it doesn't work well in third world countries...

 

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November 03, 2005

Deja Muther Frickin Vooooooo Dude.

Nothin to report. Move along.

You know what? I think a few of you out there might benefit by reading this post I wrote way back in January. Don't say I never did nuthin' fer yi.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught rehashing past hash browns.
Your Savior and Lord,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous melina is a gaywad.

i wish i could have a glamourpuss modeling sesh with the ???one...hey...smoking's gonna make these pretty model's skin look leathery and icky if they don't quit soon. but there's always photoshop, right? ;P

or was the cigarette just a prop?

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

everytime i read "fuck france" i think you've written "fuck francine" and i get all confused. but also sort of excited. and then someone walks by my desk and i have to click over to a fake excel document.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

That was a rokken post.

The Tony Robbins shit.

Take me now Merkley

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I'll be good I promise. You are a true inspiration. Please, give me another chance. I promise to dress cool, and be cool and not negative in anyway. I will work hard and be productive and not lazy. You have changed my life...now where do I mail the check?

Seriously though, all these smoking chicks are giving Cancer a bad name. Cancer is ugly and horrible and definate. These chicks are pretty, and great, and inconclusive. Come on, get it together people.

 

Blogger Cameron P is a gaywad.

These photos make my right hand gay for it's self

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Dude!

 

Post a Comment

November 01, 2005

You IDIOT!!

One day, when I was about 16, my little brother John was painting a little plastic toy car on the brand new coffee table my dad just bought. My Dad entered the room and said quite calmly:

"John, don't do that. You're gonna spill paint and wreck the new coffee table.

John kept painting. Ten minutes later Dad returned.

"John -- I'm telling you -- you're gonna spill that paint and wreck the new coffee table."

John moaned:

"Uuuuuuhhhhg pffffft -- no I'm not. I'm not an IDIOT!"

The rest of the kids watched John continue to paint out of the corners of our eyes as we watched cartoons. Everyone took their turn reminding John that he was in fact an idiot and was going to spill the paint --- like an idiot.

Ten minutes later -------------------- like an idiot, --- John spilled the paint.

All the other kids, myself included, now unloaded on John, completely justified in calling him Stupid and Idiot and Faggot and Dumb Piece of Crap....

Dad walked in with a glass of water.

Silence filled the room. We all waited for the glorious show that would hopefully highlight just to what degree John was in fact a total and complete IDIOT.

Dad placed the glass of water on the brand new paint covered coffee table.

The silence was deafening.

Dad says:

"Hmmmmppfff, well I'll be.... -- I was wrong, ------- table still works. Lay off John you guys."

Annnnnd that was how my Dad maintained hero status amongst his children.

John cleaned every single smidge of paint off the table without being asked.

My dad is no idiot.

The End









On Halloween, I went to a goth party dressed as the dude who beats the shit out of fags and goths. I talked like Willy Jo the whole night -- I was amongst a billion zombies and vampires and yet I was easily the scariest dude in the room. I could smell the pee. Goth's don't have a sense of humor, I guess that's why they are goths.



Before I go -- Click HERE to see the scandalous photos not suitable for a family friendly blog such as this.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught beating yourself up when you fuck up even after having been warned in front of everyone many times!
Your Favorite Country Music Legend Who Really Loves His Dad,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous b is a gaywad.

What a fucker. I thought you were finally giving us what we've all been waiting for.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

i always like how everyone looks well hydrated in the photos. like, covered in whipped silk body creme. or a jar of oil of olay like my grandma.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

I don't want kicks in the pants.
I don't even wear pants.
=(

I want pictures of boobies and weewop!
And 22 dollars.
Or your cowboy hat.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

And the link to your homo error message doesn't work.

I tried to put it on my blog and it took me to a desolate empty screen.

 

Anonymous melina is a gaywad.

i loved your multiple windows dialog boxes!

i felt like such an, um, IDIOT.

Oooh! my word verification says "onusfev"...sounds kind of hebrew-y anus-y.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

sweet story. Good life lesson. Don't sweat the small stuff, at least not around your Dad cuz he is cool. Sweat it around me cuz I'll fuck up anyone who ruins my new coffee table! Be warned!

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

oh, and what the hell is "b" talking about? What are "we" waiting for?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

b,
ha ha -- tricked you.


Francine Ocelot,
how did you figure it out? dammit. oil of olay by the drum dear.


Allison,
a kick in the skirt sounds kinda sticky. and as for the link -- well -- it's not like i'm gonna fix it. i'm too lazy for that.

---------------------


melina,
"hebrewy -- anusy" -- don't be so redundant all the god damned time.


Wendy,
i know you hate the photos of pretty girls. but there's no need to feel offended that someone might assume that everyone likes boobs -- MOSTLY everyone does.

B, in the future please do not include Wendy in your WEs please. she is getting mad.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

dude, what are you talking about? I never said I hated the pretty girl pictures. I happen to love boobs. I have boobs. Boobs are mushy and comfy and guys seem to like that chicks have them. What is to hate about that?

I'm not mad. I'm glad...I strive at being part of "we". I just wanted to know what "we" were waiting for...Boobs? Well, hell. No need to wait, I already got those.

oh, oh, oh! I forgot to ask, did you call the goths "Quars"? I bet that was awesome.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,

boobhater.

yes -- i called all the goths fayggits and quars.

i totally channeled willy jo.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

fine! I hate boobs and all they stand for. I hate milk, sex, and, uhhhhhhhhh, milk and sex.

Take a pic of a weiner dammit, I ain't "quar" ya know.

 

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Where's Charlie's fiddle? And what does it say on your friend's name tag? And why can't your other friend button her shirt properly? Is there something wrong with her thumbs?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dash,
emmily-betty's name tag is supposed to be a mormon missionary tag. ha ha -- funny thing is, that big hairy dude sitting next to her has a real missionary tag in his pocket from when he was an actual mormon misionary in brazil.

i agree about the button thing -- i was trying to get her to unbutton a few more too. she's so up tight and modest that jenny young.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

damnit, I did that thing this morning, and I forgot to comment. i'm such a bitch. fuck me now satan.

anyway, i put it on my site. but i didn't use the bush thing.

anus

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Yeah, great story, the exact same thing happended to me as a kid. My dad beat me with the table until it didn't work anymore. I totally love how my ddady gave me a loving of bondage... and that's how he maintained hero status in our house.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

the chick in the first photo totally has a ghost orb on her nipple.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

well for some reason i am unable to post new blog entries --- which is fine i suppose because i basically just have more pictures of ugly bitches and nothing funny to say anyway.

 

Anonymous GABY! is a gaywad.

you look like my grandfather, very impressive sir.

 

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