If I Was One of Those Retards Who Can't Figger Out The Difference Between "YOUR" and "YOU'RE"...

If I was The Word "Misogyny" I would keep reeeeal quiet about the fact that a reeeally ugly girl TOTALLY MADE ME UP instead of pushing away the pork rinds, going to the gym and wearing a little concealer.

If I was a TV Judge, every once in a while I'd give some old lady who ran over her neighbor's sprinkler the death penalty.

If I was The Word "Figure" I would hate it when people said "Figger" but even more when they said "Fegro", although, I might let the words "Bigger", "Digger", "Vigor" and "Trigger" call me "Figga" even though I think those words are totally inferior.

If I was a TV Courtroom Bailiff, every once in a while I'd take out my billy club and club the crap out of some feeble old man if he made the judge repeat something because he couldn't hear what the judge said on account of bein super old.

If I was One of Those Retards Who Can't Fegro Out The Difference Between "YOUR" and "YOU'RE", I'd just write YER or YO instead, because then everyone would just think I was making fun of rednecks or negroes which is totally rad. Although the joke would probably be bittersweet seein's how I would probably BE a redneck or a negro. But then again, self deprecating humor is pretty popular too. However, at that point, it's not really humor anymore, it's just ignorance and while my ignorance may be funny to you, I'd just be back to living as just an ordinary retard. FUCK YOU INSENSITIVE ASSHOLES!

That's all for now!
Don't get caught imagining Paul McCartney beating the crap out of Stevie Wonder with a big white elephant tusk while screaming "DIE YOU FUCKING BLIND ASS EBONY FUCKING FUCKWAD!"
Your N.A.A.C.P Janitor Relations Chairman,
Montell Williams

If I Was Jesus Christ on the Crucifix's Ding Dong...

If I was a Secret Ingredient I would probably be pickle juice, cumin, or soy sauce or maybe lard, UNLESS I was the secret ingredient in deodorant then I'd probably be something like mercury or donkey jizz.

If I was a Regular Old Colander, whenever anyone dumped spaghetti in me and one of those spaghettis slipped it's noodle end THROUGH one of my tiny holes I'd yell "RAPE!!" Unless the noodle was very handsome, then I'd just pretend to be wasted.

If I was Bill Cosby's Tootsie Roll, I'd figure out how to work his zipper from the inside and next time he did his comedy routine I'd come bursting out of his pants and then finally he'd have to acknowledge me and maybe tell just ONE joke about me.

If I was a Dildo Manufacturer, I'd make a dildo that was half dildo, half turkey baster with an air brushed Image of Mother Mary on it and I'd call it The Immaculate Vibrating Conception, or maybe The Joseph.

If I was Jesus Christ on the Crucifix's Ding Dong, I'd one day just become a big huge boner in like some run down cathedral somewhere in Mexico and then I'd wait to see just how many old crippled Mexican women would make the pilgrimage to see THAT miracle. Then I'd pee blood.

Images courtesy of the Internet

That's all for now!
Don't get caught taking the spurting blood from a crucifix's boner and smearing it into your Snailfight™ in hopes that you'll somehow give birth to the next Jesus, but wouldn't that be a miracle if it worked!? May as well give it a shot!
Your Six Time Super Bowl ummm Somethin'r'Other,
Condoleeza Rice

Oh shit! I almost forgot!

If I Was a Deep Fried Breast Cancer Lump, Lightly Salted, With a Dash of Paprika and Dunked in Sweet Mustard...

If I was a Breast Cancer Lump, I would start a website called FantasticBreastCancerRecipes.com to inform the people on how to cook me right. Maybe then people would stop talking so much SHIT.

If I was a Testicular Cancer Lump, I'd be all, "DUDE, fucking chill out. I'm making your balls bigger" and then I'd tell scary stories to all the little sperms so they'd freak out the second they flew out of the pee hole and onto some dudes face possibly scratching him.

If I was a Sperm, I'd get all annoyed and say "Gaaah, what a fucking hot dog convention, where are all the chicks?" and then I'd look around to see if I could tell which sperms were homos.

If I was a Pee Hole, I'd totally learn how to whistle.

If I was a Dying Sperm in a Sock, I'd wiggle my way over to one of the other sperms and I'd say stuff like "Don't you go dyin' on me Jeffery!" and I'd whip him with my sperm tail whenever he seemed to be drifting off and then when I was the only sperm left living I'd look out over the death and carnage and I'd give the best speech ever given and then I'd shoot myself in the head and die with dignity and no one would ever know but me and some other bacterium who already lived in the sock.

If I was a Dirty Sock Bacteria and all of a sudden a billion sperm came sliming on in on some wad of goop, I'd probably stop and watch them as they glooped around looking for chicks. Then I'd shake my head back and forth really slowly while muttering "how sad" and then when the emperor sperm gave his final speech while gazing out upon the billions of corpses of all of his people I'd probably cry a little and then I'd get back to eating my Doritos.

If I was a Deep Fried Breast Cancer Lump, Lightly Salted, with a Dash of Paprika, and Dunked in Sweet Mustard, I'd say to Charlie Rose: "Oh Charlie, stop, there are lots of recipes on that website, I didn't change the whole image of breast cancer all by myself" and he'd say "Perhaps, but without YOU, there would be no McLumps and that's really when public opinion shifted" and then I'd blush and giggle a little and say "That's true I guess."

photos courtesy of
The Last 40 Photos Posted to Live Journal

That's all for now.
Don't get caught getting hungry while thinking about breast cancer.
Your Gigantic Load of Crap,
Ghandi

LEEEARnayin' to Love Your Boobs, That is The Gaaay-yest LOOOOOOOVE uh uh uvv ALL. Dunh dunh dunh...

That's all for now!
Don't get caught using a sentence that you saw on Francine's blog even though you actually did eat a whole tube of Chapstick, well ok, it was more of a chocolate flavored lipstick/lipgloss deal but Chapstick sounds better than all that and besides, who HASN'T eaten a whole tube of chapstick? That shit is fucking yummy.
Your Fukkin Secretary of Offense,
Connie Chung

The GAY-yest Love of Ahhaahhaahhll is Sleeeazay to Acheeeeeeeive

That's all for now.
Don't get caught playing the fucking god damn fucking FLUTE in a crappy fucking douchebaggy rock band you stupid fucking fuckers!!
Your Minister of Poop Dicks,
Janet Reno

I Found The Greatest Love of All Inside My Butt

That's all for now.
Don't get caught exaggerating the barf on the dog story because really hardly any barf got on him but it was still super disgusting and you have to admit it would have been rad if he was totally soaked in barf.
Your President Elect,
Gilligan

Clint Black, Boobs HellCunt and The SkeleTwins™

So I bumped into those two anorexic Australian bitches, BoneFace and DryHole I think they are named and jointly dubbed (by me) as The SkeleTwins™ back stage at the Country Music Awards in New York. -- No seriously -- I really did BUMP into them. It was awful.

CRACK SNAP CRIK KAK the sound of bones knocking together echoes throughout the backstage area.

"HOLY SHIT! ARE YOU OK? I'M SOOO SORRY" I say as I reach down to pick them up. They look like -- well -- ha ha -- I pile of fricken bones!! HA HA HA.

"D on 't wh -- wh---- whhhhoor ----- whooory ----worry abvvvv...."

One of them is trying to say something but it just sounds like the dying breath of, well, you know, a near death anorexic.

"Do nnnn 't wwhhhhhhhhoooooorry abv abffffff hhuuuuuuu about itiiihhh."

"Excuse me? What? I can't understand you, too much dust coming out and the wiggly teeth and...."

"She said don't worry about it."

"Who are you? Are you like their translator or something?"

"No, my name is Boobs Hellcunt. I'm their agent."

"Wait , I'm sorry, did I break any of your bones? HA HA as if I couldn't tell. I'm mean you can like totally see every fucking single one of them! Am I right or what? Merkley is my name. Nice to meet you. Ha ha -- I said MEET -- and you're all BONES! Get it?

"Nniiic nni nice th th thooo meeennt yooouhhha" Mumbled the other one with a mouth that looks like an antique wallet containing a dried out vienna sausage."

"Excuse me? I didn't get that. You sound like a deflating air matress. Speak up."

"She said nice to meet you" Boobs Hellcunt Their Agent says as she adjusts her heavy wool skirt.

"Ffuuh ddrrru pffffffffff guh guh guh." The other twin poots.

"Anyway... Hey ladies..." I say, "I just saw your segment on Inside Edition with Pat O'Brien and by the looks of it I thought you were almost dead, what the fuck are you doing back stage at the Country Music Awards?"

"Whhhhe whhhhhe well, uhhhhh..."

"I Caaannnn't understaaaannnnd yooooouuuuuu."

"FFFFfaaa......"

"Clint Black saw them on The Inside Edition and really felt their pain and really wanted to do something so he gave them both jobs." Snapped Boobs HellCunt, their Agent.

"Well geez, that's terrific, I saw on TV that the outpouring of support has been phenomenal."

"Yeeeeaahh uuh huhuuuuuuuuuu wwhhhiiiiiiiii....."

"I also saw on TV that you two both put on a little weight, like 15 pounds each and like you're up to 54 pounds a piece. That's terrific..."

BoneFace's and Dryhole's faces both crack out sideways and dust begins blowing from their eyes -- like maybe they are trying to smile or cry or some shit.

"Shhhhh, can I talk to you privately?" Boobs HellCunt Their Agent whispersquawks as she grabs my arm and pulls me aside. She is grabbing my arm really hard. It hurts.

"Ow, what the..."

"DO NOT MENTION WEIGHT GAIN! It freaks them out. I don't want them to lose their jobs."

"Well, geez, isn't that the point of this whole deal, to get them to put on some weight so they stop being all shriveled and boney and lizardy and so they won't die?"

"NO! you IDIOT. Their jobs depend on them being skeleton FREAks!"

"Oh you mean so all these Inside Edition cameras and Pat O'Brien sticks around, like for fame and shit?"

"YES but not just that you stupid bearded moron."

Just then a loud cheer erupts from the audience as the N'Sync Johnny Cash tribute number comes to a close. There is a lot of commotion backstage as a new set is shuffled onto the stage. Two jerky scented stage hands grab the SkeleTwins™ and hurry them out onto the stage. The rattling bones sound is awesome, kinda like those wooden hippie wind chimes. I feel very relaxed.

"Well gee whiz" I say "Clint black really must be a good guy if he's giving these girls like actual performer's positions. Are they back up singers? Ha ha -- or no -- I know, they are the Xylophone sticks ha ha ha -- I'm hilarious."

"Just then Clint Black rushes by me on his way to the stage. The rim of his hat slices off the top of my head and my brain bounces out on to the ground. For some reason it doesn't hurt and I feel just fine, but I notice my brain smells like cabbage.

The lights go up -- the crowd roars, I look out onto the stage. To my horror, Clint Black appears to be strangling BoneFace or DryHole, I can't tell which is which.

"What the fuck is he doing? Somebody stop him!" I yell as one of my eyeballs rolls back into the empty bowl that used to be my brain compartment and I notice that there is a lot of earwax about one millimeter from my eyeball.

My other eye can still see the stage and I rush towards it to try to help the poor anorexic freak being strangled by Clint Black.

"STOP THAT YOU JERK!!" Just then I feel a squash under my foot and I realize that I have stepped on my own brain which for some reason doesn't hurt, in fact it kinda tickles my bladder. I fall to the ground and my eyeballs both roll out of my head, one of them rolls right to the feet of Boobs HellCunt and is pointing right up her wool skirt and I can see exactly why they call her HellCunt because there is clearly a Satanic Goat Head coming out of her pentagram shaped hoowang. My other eyeball rolls out onto the stage where I can see the other SkeleTwin™ being strangled by one of Clint Black's back up singers. Both Clint Black and the back up singer are screaming directly into the terrified bony skull of their respective SkeleTwin™. The whole thing is just plain wrong. I mean I knew that country singers were all hicks and backwards as fuck but hiring two helpless skeletons just to beat them up in front of a cheering crowd is SICK I tell you.

Alright, I'm sick of writing this stupid story. The joke was going to be that it turns out that the fucking Skeletwins™ were hired to be Clint Black's mic stands. HA HA HA I know, I'm a genius. I should have just come out and said it, but I really wanted my detached eyeball to look up HellCunts skirt and I always thought it would be cool to get my cranium sliced off by Clint Blacks cowboy hat. I also had a joke where Clint Black doesn't brush his teeth so little flecks of plaque along with the tiny bits of jerky and chewing tobacco flying out of his mouth while he sings directly into their open mouthed, microphone holding heads therefore providing the Skeletwins™ with just enough nourishment to continue their employment but not enough to stop them from being functional, non-upstaging mic stands. Also there was a Pat O'Brien joke wherein he wants to lube up DryHole's dry hole with a bit of my brain so he could skull fuck her and then because my brain is the lube I have a dream that I'm his penis and her eye socket is the all seeing eye and it's all super spiritual and uplifitng but, hey -- sometimes you get sick of writing a story before you're done with it so that's all you get. Fuck off.

The End.

Now here are some lovely pictures of Latrice Barnett.

The SkeleTwins™ actual names are Rachel and Clare Wallmeyer. I want them to find this when they Google. Hi SkeleTwins™! Hope you liked my story!

That's all for now!
Dont get caught quitting what would have probably won your first Pulitzer Prize!
Your Pulitzer Prize Foregoer,
Harry S. Truman

A 5 Billion Pound Homeless Person's Sleeping Bag Soaked In 10 Jillion Gallons of Gelatinous Pee.

Last night I was invited to see my good friend and comedic GENIUS Will Franken perform his one man show called Good Luck With It. Normally I would take a girl to see something like this but I have a dude friend who I'm gonna be calling Pee Blanket (you'll find out why a little later) that said he'd been wanting to check it out -- and it was early, there was plenty of time later for girls and it's not always good to get saddled with one girl early in the night, I mean, what if I change my mind? Besides, my first choice couldn't go.

Anyway, so despite a hilarious show on the part of Will Franken, Pee Blanket fucking FALLS ASLEEP during the show. The show is a billion miles from being sleepable. The crowd loves it. Everyone is laughing. It's a fucking great fucking show. The laughs don't stop for more than 30 seconds, nevertheless there's Pee Blanket snoring up all my energy like a black hole in the next seat.

I'm an understanding dude -- people get tired -- we all do, but when you're tired STAY THE FUCK HOME!! It's like hugging someone and saying "Man -- I got this majorly contagious disease."

Show ends -- it's only 10:15, lots of things going on a Saturday, especially this Saturday.

Pee Blanket:

"Yawwwwwnnn what else is going on tonight -- yawwwwnnnnnn"

"Well, a whole bunch of stuff. We already did A -- but there's B, C and D, I'll probably end up at C or maybe even D E or F...

"Yaaawwwwwwnnn --- so who's gonna be at B and C?"

"The same people that are always at my suggestions, notably lots of girls"

"Yaaawwwwwwwn, yeah I don't know, I think I'm gonna get a video, you know, as a back up plan ----- yaaawwwwwwn..."

I think "Back up plan? -- wtf?"

At this point Pee Blanket has broken every single law of Saturday evening party courtesy and I am 100% annoyed --- have you ever heard the term "wet blanket"? Well that doesn't even begin to describe Pee Blanket's attitude last night .... That's where he got his name and where I got the title of this post.

"Yeah, I think you oughtta just go home and sleep. You're totally draining my energy... "

"Yaaaawwwwwwnnnnn yeah well, call me if something happens"

Yeah, that'll happen. At this point I want to punch Pee Blanket in the face because I already provided A and then listed B, C, and D and a polite person just never says "Call me if fun stuff happens" when you just listed a bunch of fun stuff and it's a glaring fucking FACT that FUN is wherever I happen to be. (You can replace the word FUN with BEAUTIFUL GIRLS if you like.)

So I ditch (or am ditched by) Pee Blanket and go B which is Jillian Iva's (Von Iva) birthday party at a nice house where there are wonderful guests, a bath tub of beer and tons of awesome mexican food. My brief ten minute stomach ache (probably caused by Pee Blanket's fucking yawning), I chat with lovely ladies and carry on quite awesomely although I eat so much food that it hampers my buzz.

I quickly hit C, hug a few bitches, look at my watch -- sneak off and go to D.

At D a gigantic black dude attempts to frisk me at the door, he is dressed like a ghetto gangster with super baggy clothes, gold fronts and some Michael Jordan bullshit and I'm thinking "WHO'S FRISKING WHO HERE!!??" And so I'm irritated out of my my nutts especially because --- look --- just FUCKING FRISK THE RIGHT PEOPLE HOLMES! Got that dawg? Don't frisk The Special Guest, a.k.a. ME, who was invited by The Promoter of D because The Promoter of D wants Special Guest a.k.a ME to be a part of D next time he throws another D. I walk right in and Gigantic Negro Gangster Frisker pulls me back and says;

"10 dollars dawg."

"I'm on the list sir."

"List ended at 10" -- or some other bullshit -- ebonics is haaaaarrrd.

At this point I roll my eyes click my heels and say;

"YOU WISH!"

I will never be part of D. No fucking way. FUCK YEAH I'M A PRIMA DONNA! BITCH!

So I saunter on down the street to E. On the way I see a squirrelly, mustachioed, fur coat wearin' fashion friend who, like me, came from D and is on his way to E and I recount the awesomely fresh anecdote of the complete reversal of societal logic wherein a negro gangster from the ghetto frisks an upstanding white gentleman of good report. To this the fashion dude says;

"Careful now! Don't be racist"

And I say,

"You mean don't be hilarious and exactly dead on RIGHT?"

Squirrelly mustachioed fashion dude speeds up to create a murder buffer between us. Which doesn't really bother me because we are in the butthole of the country amongst many cracked out negros. I can't really blame the little fella. He looks so cute in his high heels. It'd be hard to run in them things.

I get to E and guess who is standing on the street out in front. -- NOPE -- WRONG -- Whatever you guessed is wrong so stop guessing and let me tell you. It's Jell-o Pee Blanket from earlier. This only annoys the fuck out of me because he should be home sleeping. He is hanging out with 2 other dude friends trying not to yawn.

"MMMEEEERRRRRKLEEEYYYYY!!!" They yell and I pretend not to hear because I am talking to a pretty hipster girl and also the yell sounds to me exactly the same as if he would have yelled"

"ACTUALLY I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO B!!!!"

So there I am, buzz wearing off -- annoyed as fuck and Pee Blanket walks up and says:

"So what did you end up doing?"

"Well, I went to Jillian's birthday party and then to C.... and then..."

"JILLIAN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY??? I WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THAT!!"

I was on the verge of saying "Well I wonder why you didn't get invited and I did? Perhaps it has something to do with --- oh -- I don't know yaaaaawwwwwwnnnnnn, being really selective and bum outy, and better than everything and insensitive to Saturday Night Good Times protocol" but instead I just said "

"Pffffft."

At this point I was REALLY annoyed so I just avoided him completely and stood around being hilariously racist with all the girls because girls absolutely love racist shit. All the pretty girls wanted me to take their picture. One sexy asian girl I don't even know actually ASKS me or really TELLS me to take her picture, as if it's my job, to which I reply:

"I don't take requests and I certainly don't take orders."

My mood slipped down the gutter from there. My buzz was soaked up in the carne asada. I declined the invitations to hipster cocaine afterparties and instead graciously accepted a ride home from a Spiritualized, Hip Hoppy, Mop Toppy, Just Bought a Beautiful 73 Mercedes That's Solid as a Rock Poppy type friend. On the way home he picks up his bubbly girlfriend and they invite me out to E for more drinks.

"E? What a Hot Dog Convention! That place is all hot dogs -- no buns" I say as I begin epitomizing the rule of "Point One Finger, There are Three Pointing Right Back" as I myself morph into the title of this post.

"You know merkley, girlfriend here says that out of all my friends you and xxxx are her favorites."

"XXXX? -- You KNOW I'm the favorite! Just admit it."

"It's true she said -- but I'm always afraid that I freak you out."

"You talk way too much but you don't freak me out."

"Good cuz I thought I freaked you out."

"Nooooowah -- all I hear is "blah blah blah blah" -- I just wait til the blabbing stops and then say something hilarious."

"That's why you're the favorite."

"Don't I fucking know it?"

Oh well, at least when I turn into A 5 Billion Pound Homeless Person's Sleeping Bag Soaked In 10 Jillion Gallons of Gelatinous Pee, It's at the END of the evening when one is supposed to be a A 5 Billion Pound Homeless Person's Sleeping Bag Soaked In 10 Jillion Gallons of Gelatinous Pee instead of at the beginning of the evening when one is supposed to be exactly like Richard Simmons.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught thinking up the term "Gelatinous Pee" because it only makes you think of rubberized poop too!
Your Favorite Bearded Princess,
Oprah Winfrey

Comment? Fuckin' Fuck Yeah I Got A Fuckin' Comment -- A Fuckin' Awesome Comment Too!

I decided to stop wasting my genius comments out there in the eeenternet. I left these two comments on raymi's blog before she nuked her comments cuz dicks were all fuckin up her positive vibes n'shit dude.

Begin awesome comment:

The only thing I can ever think about in the bath (which only happens when it's freezing) is that the water that was just in my buttcrack and underneath my marblebag is now probably floating around my chin and little microscopic buttcrack/marblebag germs are laughing their dirty germ asses off trying to get in my mouth.

Baths are gross.

End awesome comment.

Neela

Begin next awesome comment:

Yesterday, the girl who introduced me to your blog came over and got me for breakfast, we ate crab on the pier but on the way home I realized that I had a major case of violent drunk poop gut. She wanted to rent a movie so I said she could go get it. I said it because I wanted some private poop time but she wasn't picking up on it and instead she said:

"Well let's just watch a movie you already have"

So I was like -- "fuck", and then I ended up holding in a drunk poop and all it's subsequent farts through the whole movie ELF which was really fucking hard because it's hard to hold back explosive drunk butt when you are also laughing.

She will read this now and certain things will make more sense.

Thank you for providing this forum.

End next awesome comment.


Now here are even more shiny photos of hipsters.

Jenny Young



Clockwise from top: Emily-Betty, Cims, Elise-Marie


Lindsay



Elizabeth Morse. Happy Birthday!












Byron

That's all for now!
Don't get caught wasting pure genius on everybody else's blogs!
Your Stunt Masturbation Coordinator,
President Ronald Reagan

Dear Retard That Voted For The Ban On Hand Guns

Way to fucking go you stupid turdbrained moron.

Ask yourself one very fucking easy question that even your average booger munching retard can answer correctly.

Do criminals obey the law?

NO you deficient fucking poobrained dolt! Outlawing guns only ensures that bad ass criminals will have them and NOBODY ELSE! DUH.

Holy fucking fuck you really are a dimwitted doof if you voted for this. Seriously, what the fuck happened to you to make you so insanely stupid? Were you trapped in the birth canal too long? Did you drink a gallon of brain remover?

You are so stupid you're a danger to yourself and ME. Holy Crap! What if your stupidity is so intense that it rubs off on me? Get away from me you contagious brain dead ignoramus! I can smell your stupidity. Holy shit I can even see it! It's like cartoon green wavy stink lines coming off your stupid stupid stupid stupid body.

Listen here dumbfuck. Study any place -- ANY PLACE that has ever banned guns like this and look at the crime rates -- they go UP EVERY SINGLE TIME!

-------dddduuuuuuuurrrrrrrr uuuuhhhhhhh ddddoooooiiiii --- now how could that be?

BECAUSE CRIMINALS KNOW THAT THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES WITH GUNS! It's like shooting turds in a bucket.

Oh -- fuck ----- right now, I hate you -- you mentally defective jackass who voted for the ban.

Look, SnotFerBrains,--- if you voted for this ban and you want me to continue being nice or civil to you in public ----- you better not tell me that you voted for it because my respect for you will be wiped clean. Gone. Caput. Never to return. You are too ganked and stupid to climb out of that dark hole of ignorance in which you wallow like a headless retarded rat.

Seriously. If you voted for the ban. Don't tell me about it. I want to still like you but I really don't think I could. YOU ARE DANGEROUSLY DUMB.

Now go fuck yourself.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught -- you know what? -- fuck you!
Your --- ah -- seriously -- fuck off,
merkley???

What Kind of fucked Up Bag of Dicks Word Has 2 letter "U"s Right In a ROW???!!!

So some random name appeared in my IM buddies list and I investigated and it turns out it was this chick who I didn't know and to whom I dropped a quick note one day to thank her for linking me. She never responded til I investigated. She didn't deserve this:

merkley???: i should just start bugging the crap out of you now
merkley???: you know
merkley???: for no reason at all
RandomVictim: oh, excellent idea
merkley???: you probably deserve it
RandomVictim: what the fuck are you?
RandomVictim: CATHOLIC?
merkley???: somewhere along the line you probably bugged the crap out of someone else.
merkley???: pretend i'm poking you in the chest
merkley???: in the sternum
RandomVictim: okay...
merkley???: annoying isnt it?
RandomVictim: haha
RandomVictim: pretend i shot you in the head
RandomVictim: yay, no more annoyance!
merkley???: thats not annoying unless you did it with a squirt gun filled with stinky spit.
merkley???: even more annoying if you just pointed it at me without shooting it.

merkley???: now i have a rubberband and i'm pointing it at your eye
merkley???: squinting means you're gay
merkley???: ha ha
merkley???: you squinted
merkley???: gay
RandomVictim: i can't believe you just called me gay
merkley???: i know
merkley???: it's hard to belive
merkley???: i can barely believe it myself
merkley???: holy crap
merkley???: guess what...
merkley???: dude
merkley???: dude!
merkley???: dude!!
merkley???: dude!!!
merkley???: how can i bug you if you ignore me?
RandomVictim: what?
RandomVictim: sorry i'm writing something
merkley???: guess what...
RandomVictim: what?
merkley???: chicken butt
merkley???: guess why..
merkley???: chicken thigh
merkley???: guess whahina
merkley???: chicken vagina
merkley???: there
merkley???: that's the joke
merkley???: i was too impatient to wait for you to respond.
RandomVictim: ha
RandomVictim: ha
RandomVictim: ha
merkley???: when YOU tell it you can also add in "guess whahenis -- chicken penis"
RandomVictim: that's actually funny.
merkley???: that's because i invented it.
RandomVictim: congratulations

merkley???: now pretend i'm lightly flicking your ear and making a loud snort noise
merkley???: now i'm taking little round orange stickers and putting them in the back of your hair so you look stupid when you go to school
RandomVictim: are you ever going to get tired of this?
merkley???: i grew up with a lot of sisters
merkley???: they would tell you no
RandomVictim: how many?
merkley???: i have 17 siblings
merkley???: i know how to bug
RandomVictim: wow you really are catholic
RandomVictim: or a liar
merkley???: mormon dood
RandomVictim: same thing
RandomVictim: do you actually have 17 siblings?
RandomVictim: that seems a little, i don't know, fucking crazy
merkley???: with steps included -- yes
RandomVictim: oh, stepsiblings
RandomVictim: ew
merkley???: invaders
merkley???: whatcha writin -- huh --- huh --- huh ---?
merkley???: huh?
merkley???: huh?
merkley???: huh?
merkley???: huh?
merkley???: huh?
merkley???: huh?
RandomVictim: i'm writing for a website... but it's not up yet so maybe i can't tell you.
merkley???: oooh
merkley???: a seeeecret
merkley???: i used to bug my mom until she cried.
merkley???: and then i'd keep doing it until she laughed.
merkley???: and then she'd cry because i made her laugh when she was mad.
RandomVictim: i can't believe you had a mom.
RandomVictim: you have no manners!
merkley???: i know
RandomVictim: that's okay
merkley???: tell me about it
RandomVictim: you're amusing
merkley???: sheesh
RandomVictim: crazies always make me laugh
merkley???: YOU'RE crazy
merkley???: i'm awesome
merkley???: way different
RandomVictim: i am not crazy!
RandomVictim: well
RandomVictim: not compared to you
RandomVictim: compared to you, courtney love is a shining example of mental togetherness
merkley???: you WISH!!!

merkley???: ok now pretend i'm vaccuming
merkley???: and i keep getting close to where your feet are
merkley???: and you lift them up
merkley???: but i dont vaccum underneath them
merkley???: and I do it ten times
merkley???: until you give up
merkley???: and stop lifting them
merkley???: and then i bump into the sides of your feet until you lift them again
merkley???: but again i dont vaccum underneath your stupid feet
merkley???: but this time when you try to put them down, i hurry and shove the vaccum under them and leave it running but i leave the room and turn off the lights.
merkley???: holy shit i'm good at this
RandomVictim: yeah you really are
merkley???: now i wish i had a vaccum
merkley???: am i even spelling that right? where's my dictionary?
merkley???: i knew that was wrong
merkley???: vacuum has two "U"s not two "C"s.
merkley???: but you just let me go on spelling it wrong like an ass.
merkley???: what the fuck kind of bag of dicks word has two "U"s right in a row???
merkley???: i'll tell you what kind of word!:
merkley???: a word that SUCKS!!!
merkley???: HO
merkley???: LEE
merkley???: FUCK
merkley???: i am a genius
merkley???: i just made that up
merkley???: i could write jokes for a gum company.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught raping a termite mound!
Your Overly Pleasant Cruise Director,
merkley???

13 Amazing Inventions That I Invented Just Now.

1. FreshPants™ - Charcoal filter underpants. Go ahead, fart, no smell.

2. Mr. Pee Mister™ - Aerosol weeezoid adapter for when you need to turn your pee or semen into a fine mist.

3. Alarm Cock™ - An alarm for ladies, toddlers and fags who miss their ex-boyfriend/step fathers waking them up with his boner.

4. YumPlugs™ - Mint flavored ear plugs.

5. FartCharge™ - Fart powered cell phone charger. Dude, there is energy in your farts.

6. EverTurd™ Turd Calcification Ointment - Immediately turns your poop into beautiful stone.

7. EverTurd Polisher™ - EverTurd™ Tumbler and polishing kit for use with TurdStones™ created with EverTurd™ Turd Calcification Ointment.

8. EverTurd Terrazzo™

9. TurdLaunch™ Common Turd Slingshot - Regular slingshots are too violent for your common fragile turd.

10. Returd™ - Turns EverTurd™ calcified TurdStones™ back into regular turds for use with the TurdLaunch™ Common Turd Slingshot.

11. EverTurd DenTurds™ - Kit for making attractive dentures out of EverTurd™ calcified TurdStones™.

12. SpermSure™ Inseminating Condom - Condom for infertile men or dildo wiedling dykes that comes preloaded with fertile freeze dried sperm guaranteed to break and inseminate at climax.

13. NoodlePants™ - Dried pasta that becomes a comfortable pair of pants when cooked.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught making Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Edison look like total hacks in the 13 minutes it took to write this piece of pure genius.
Your Nobel Prize Winning TurdSlinger™
merkley???™

Deja Muther Frickin Vooooooo Dude.

Nothin to report. Move along.

Rini


Robyn


Danielle


Christina

You know what? I think a few of you out there might benefit by reading this post I wrote way back in January. Don't say I never did nuthin' fer yi.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught rehashing past hash browns.
Your Savior and Lord,
merkley???

You IDIOT!!

One day, when I was about 16, my little brother John was painting a little plastic toy car on the brand new coffee table my dad just bought. My Dad entered the room and said quite calmly:

"John, don't do that. You're gonna spill paint and wreck the new coffee table.

John kept painting. Ten minutes later Dad returned.

"John -- I'm telling you -- you're gonna spill that paint and wreck the new coffee table."

John moaned:

"Uuuuuuhhhhg pffffft -- no I'm not. I'm not an IDIOT!"

The rest of the kids watched John continue to paint out of the corners of our eyes as we watched cartoons. Everyone took their turn reminding John that he was in fact an idiot and was going to spill the paint --- like an idiot.

Ten minutes later -------------------- like an idiot, --- John spilled the paint.

All the other kids, myself included, now unloaded on John, completely justified in calling him Stupid and Idiot and Faggot and Dumb Piece of Crap....

Dad walked in with a glass of water.

Silence filled the room. We all waited for the glorious show that would hopefully highlight just to what degree John was in fact a total and complete IDIOT.

Dad placed the glass of water on the brand new paint covered coffee table.

The silence was deafening.

Dad says:

"Hmmmmppfff, well I'll be.... -- I was wrong, ------- table still works. Lay off John you guys."

Annnnnd that was how my Dad maintained hero status amongst his children.

John cleaned every single smidge of paint off the table without being asked.

My dad is no idiot.

The End

On Halloween, I went to a goth party dressed as the dude who beats the shit out of fags and goths. I talked like Willy Jo the whole night -- I was amongst a billion zombies and vampires and yet I was easily the scariest dude in the room. I could smell the pee. Goth's don't have a sense of humor, I guess that's why they are goths.

Before I go -- Click HERE to see the scandalous photos not suitable for a family friendly blog such as this.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught beating yourself up when you fuck up even after having been warned in front of everyone many times!
Your Favorite Country Music Legend Who Really Loves His Dad,
merkley???