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December 30, 2005

Ladies and Gentlequeers: Introducing, The Heavyweight Sleep Champion of The World...

Me!

Yeah, so, since all the coolest shit happens while I'm sawing logs, and since I saw logs for 2/5ths of my life, and since I object to forgetting about all the ass kicking, tunneling, floating and flying I do while sawing logs, I decided to start a dream blog that is all about that most ass kickingest 2/5ths of my life.



Since cornering some poor fag and pummeling said fag with last nights dream is about as polite as poking out said fag's eyeballs with a dog dick, I decided to locate this new dream blog a step out of the way and not bother anyone with it here. Soon it will have a different template so as to not confuse your soupy brains. but here it is along with what I remember happening last night after I started sawing logs.



That's all for now.
Don't get caught sawing logs metaphorically if you are a lumberjack quite literally. Ha ha, maybe I should have called it "Sawing Blogs", that would have been TERRIBLE.
Your Dreamer of Dreams, Schemer of Schemes and Femur of Femes?,
Foghorn Leghorn III

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger jodifosterturkeybaster is a gaywad.

I don't think I understood the assignment. I tried to saw logs at work, and now me weenis hurts really bad. Does that ever happen to you?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yeah, sometimes -- although i've neber tried to saw a log with my log if you know what i mean. i mean i make a lot of jokes about poop and stuff but in reality i don't want any of it on my fine helmeted gentleman pal.

 

Blogger Danny is a gaywad.

fucking sweet

oh wait, I left that comment on your other post.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

I had a weird dream last night, too.

I was at school and we all had AIDS, so we had to stand in line for the doctor, but I got bored and snuck out the window and went to a restaurant. I ordered some grilled cheese and coffee and my old boyfriend who went to Iraq was there. He said he ran away from the war because he killed someone in Japan. And I was like, "What the fuck? There's no Arabs in Japan."

AND THEN I WOKE UP!

 

Blogger amanwithanenormouspeniswhojustwantstobeloved is a gaywad.

Ok, so I was balls deep in Katie last night, and she pooped a little on my dick, so I gave her an Abe Lincoln.

 

Blogger amanwithanenormouspeniswhojustwantstobeloved is a gaywad.

Ok, so I was balls deep in this chick last night and she pooped a little on my dick, so I gave her an Abe Lincoln.

 

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December 28, 2005

2005, The Year in Poo in Review. Whoopdeedoo, Weehoo and Screw You and Your Gramma Too.

In 2005 I crapped an average of 1.64 times a day. Each crap was exactly 4 pounds which means that in 2005, I crapped an actual turd weighing in at exactly 2394.4 pounds which is precisely the combined lost weight of Kirstie Alley and Anna Nichol Smith in 2005 plus 450.73 pounds of raw donkey sausage. Coincidence? Yeah right.

In the spirit of giving, I have donated the 2394.4 lb. turd to aid those affected in the Great Slant Eye Tsunami (which kinda rhymes with "transplant salami" -- (also not a coincidence)). If you'd like to donate your turd please contact The Brown Cross or Habiturd For Humanipee. Your generosipee is STILL needled and very much apeeciated.




In 2005, the average circumference of my 598.6 turds was 12.8 inches (my turds are shaped like discs for some reason). In it's relaxed state, my butthole has a circumference of .8 inches which means that in 2005, excluding hobby related activities, my butthole was stretched exactly 598 and a half feet which is exactly the precise combined depth of graves dug for my good dog Senator Ron "Chico" Lopez, the shallow graves of 13 Missing White Girls, and these 96 celebrities presented in super tiny letters:

Ruth Warrick, Virginia Mayo, Rose Mary Woods, Johnny Carson, Ray Peterson,John Vernon, Ossie Davis, Keith Knudsen, Arthur Miller, Jewel "Sammi" Smith, Brian Kelly, Sandra Dee, Hunter S. Thompson, John Raitt, Broadway, Teresa Wright, John DeLorean, Bobby Short, Johnnie Cochran, Mitch Hedberg, Terri Schiavo, Frank Perdue, Pope John Paul II, Dale Messick, Saul Bellow, Prince Rainier III, of Monaco, Ruth Hussey, Rick Lewis, Norman Bird, Sir John Mills, Mason Adams, William J. Bell, Sherman Loudermilk, Peter Rodino, Frank Gorshin, J.D. Cannon, Howard Morris, Tony the Tiger, Ismail Merchant, Eddie Albert, George Mikan, Leon Askin, Anne Bancroft, Dana Elcar, Lon McCallister, Lane Smith, Georgie Woods Shana Alexander, Paul "Tigger" Winchell, John "Piglet" Fieldler, Shelby Foote, John Walton, Luther Vandross, Obie Benson, Ernest Lehman, Hank Stram, June Haver, L. Patrick Gray, Retired Vice Adm. James Stockdale, Kevin Hagen, Frances Langford, Geraldine Fitzgerald, Ret. Gen. William Westmoreland, James Doohan, King Fahd, Ibrahim Ferrer, Peter Jennings, Barbara Bel Geddes, John H. Johnson, Judith Rossner, Brock Peters, Bob Denver, William Rehnquist, Chris Schenkel, Robert Wise, Simon Wiesenthal, Don Adams, M. Scott Peck, August Wilson, Nipsey Russell, Rosa Parks, Skitch Henderson, Michael Piller, Eddie Guerrero, Ruth "Stove Top Stuffing" Siems, Ralph Edwards, Hugh Sidey, Pat Morita, Stan Berenstain, Wendie Jo Sperber, Richard Pryor, Eugene McCarthy, William Proxmire, John Spencer, Jack Anderson, Vincent Schiavelli, Michael Vale,


Coincidence? pfffft -- if you say so.

In the spirit of the holidays, I will be walking exactly that same distance to the corner liquor store to buy hot dogs and tortillas and so long as my returned change is less than a quarter, I will consider dropping part of it (the copper colored part) into the donation bottle for that little girl with leukemia.




In 2005 I farted an average of ten times per day, your average person farts 12-20 times but I hold mine in because I believe bigger is better and a heckuvalot more FUN. At exactly 3.78 cubic feet of FartJiuce™ per fart rated at exactly 4500 BTU's per cubic foot, the cumulative mass and energy of my personal farts for the year 2005, multiplied by 666 equals 41,349,609,000 which is a majorly HUGE number describing WIND coming out of my butt-- guess what was also a huge WIND. KATRINA! Coincidence? You must be outta your MIND!

In the spirit of the holidays, I have crammed all of those farts into a single pickle jar which will be donated to the United States Armed Forces, Hopefully, my farts can be used to bring this whole Iraq dealie to a firey and somewhat hilarious conclusion. If you'd like to donate your farts to the war effort or the rebuilding of New Orleans, buy some pickles, eat them, and fill the bottle with your farts (you may need to use a toilet plunger) and then set them afloat in a stream or other body of water as this is the preferred distribution method for military grade FartJuice™, you know, military dolphins and whatnot.




That's all for now.
Don't get caught forgetting your pickle jar at home because farting in a ziploc bag doesn't look cool AT ALL.
HA HA FOOLED YOU!! It TOTALLY looks cool.
Your Most Distinguished and Honorable Lord of Dingleberry Pie,
Jimmy Carter

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

I can't wait until the military dolphins rise up from the water and take over the government.

Who's that guy with the curly mustache? I stared at his mustache for 18 minutes.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dood -- they can't rise up -- they ain't got no feet.

duh -- his name is right under the picture with a link --- duh ---- i mean --- duuuuuuhh.

 

Anonymous John is a gaywad.

I stared at his eyeliner for nineteen minutes.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Sting ain't got nothing on you. Message in a bottle? Ha! A years worth of Fartjuice!!!

When it comes to helping to rebuild the coastal city that lies BELOW sea level, you can count on my turds and anal gases. I will gladly donate them to the rebuilding of that place!

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

alia has fabulous eyes.

hm..does that make me sound gay?

not because i'm a girl and i think her eyes are fabulous, but that i actually used the word fabulous.

 

Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

Jesus Christ, that's a lot of shit.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

what about Yasser Arafat? He's dead and was annoying. Hey, have you heard that watermelons are popping up all over New Orleans and scientists don't know why or how? They are taking samples of soil and watermelons to see if they are toxic. Insert your favorite joke here..... Uhhhhh, yeah. How did I get on this?

Oh!Farts to rebuild N.O., what a great idea.

Lovely post really. I got a little snurfy (sad) when you brought up Chico. We miss him.

Hey, where is Butterface? You haven't posted any glamour shots of her in a long time...

 

Blogger Willy Jo is a gaywad.

poopin & hot twots in won blob. i must be in GD heven over heer.

my puter no's who the batch is, dont yeh puter?

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

I so wanna be you when I grow up!

 

Blogger Danny is a gaywad.

You are such a fucking poet.


Oh, and that chick in the first picture has a scar above her breast, not that I was staring or anything...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

John,
yeah -- and his eyeliner supposedly tastes like ravioli too! sweet!
==================


Squid Vicious,
squid -- yeah -- so i hear you're gonna be rebuilding your own life in a new town -- fun times.
======================


poopee shmoopee,
wait -- you're not gay?
======================

Melliferous Pants,
i got your god damned name stuck in my head on repat yesterday -- i even think i may have been singing it to my dogs for a bit. it's so musical and catchy.
==================


Wendy,
dude -- did you just make a negro joke? it was almost like a negro joke but you forgot the punchline.
==================


Willy Jo,
soo, i'll be addin possum recipies too -- then you'll be all set.
===================

~*Bettie,
make that a goal -- we can make it happen -- all you have to do is believe.
===================


Danny,
scars are cool.

 

Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

I had a boyfriend who said the same thing about my name. He used to sing You are always on my mind, like an inoperable brain tumor.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

See, it was almost a "negro joke". But, the funny part is, there are really watermelons popping up all over N.O. I left it open ended hoping you would do the punchline.

 

Blogger Willy Jo is a gaywad.

possum i dont eet possum you dum quar.
.......................

er ah well hmm...
after sum ponderin
maybe i do eet sum possum eviry once in awile.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

What's the deal with Jack Sparrow's cousin???

 

Blogger jodifosterturkeybaster is a gaywad.

Whoa. I agree with the mustache. I couldn't help but be memorized by it. It's almost like Cheech Marin and Colonel Sanders had a baby and peed on it, then forced that baby to be addicted to crack.

Also, I took a poop so big once that I was almost sucked into the toilet from it's own gravitational pull. True story, sort of.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

you are a scatological pseudo-man who is not fit to dream of my sack. poor stupid beautiful pieces of bitches.

happy new year from my ip you
'self made man' you.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

When will Anonymous people ever learn?
One can never leave an insult on someone else's blog and be taken seriously. EVER. GO BACK FROM WHENCE YOU CAME. FOR REAL. YOU DON'T EVEN MAKE MY ASS TWITCH. Farm league is just a twinkle in your eye... don't ever...,well, I have wasted too much time

 

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December 24, 2005

If I Was The Best Way To Explain To A Child Why Jews Don't Celebrate Christmas...

If I was a Super Realistic Dead Rudolph Pinata Type Deal, I'd be fresh deer carcass with a red light bulb installed in my nose, my empty chest cavity would be filled with guts and awesome expensive electronic presents crammed into condoms, I would be sewn back up and hung by the antlers in the garage. On christmas morning the kids would descend to see what Santa left and they'd find a few bad ass warrior looking knives, a Pantera box set and maybe a sword and they'd go nutts on me to find remaining gifts. I'd be the greatest new Christmas tradition to hit red states in years.




If I was A Black Triple XMAS On The North Pole, I'd be a lovely Christmas porn DVD starring Peter North and all kinds of negro elf sluts workin' North's pole and there would be candy canes getting shoved in all kinds of fruitcakes, gum drops shootin all over sugar plums, nutts would be crackin left and right and no pole would be pointing south, that's fer god damned sure. I'd be the perfect gift for any man.




If I was "Vengeance For Santa -- Get Them Mop Headed Negroes!", I'd be an awesome Christmas Day activity wherein on Christmas morning, a rich white father would explain to his three little blonde headed girls: "Santa brought you all iPods, Slutbag Barbies and Real live Ponies, but Rastafarians broke in at 2am and mugged Santa and stole all your shit. HOWEVER, they DID leave behind this Peter Tosh mix tape and a bag of weed. Enjoy!" Then they'd all get baked together and about an hour later they'd look out the window only to see a Rastafarian riding a pony down the street. The dad would run to the gun cabinet, throw each girl a rifle and he'd yell "LETS GET US SOME VENGEANCE FOR SANTA! GET THEM MOP HEADED NEGROES!!" and they'd get in the car and they'd drive around blasting Rastafarians from hell to breakfast and they'd basically steal all their shit back and plus more weed and it would be rad for everyone involved because the rifles would only be tranquilizer guns and the Rastafarians would be just poverty stricken negroes from the local projects who the dad hired for like 6 bucks an hour. TOTAL WIN WIN.




If I was The Best Way To Explain To A Child Why Jews Don't Celebrate Christmas, I'd go like this "See that dude hanging on the cross? See the hair? See the beard? yeah, well that's not really Jesus, that's Santa. Jews killed him, that's why they don't like Christmas and that's also why we hate Jews". That would be followed by a viewing of the "Holocaust" DVD while snickering a lot and saying stuff like: "Yeah right, even if this DID happen, WHICH IT DIDN'T, it's totally their just desserts" and then someone would say "Did someone say DESSERT?" and then everyone would eat Jell-o shaped into little swastikas because Jell-o is the WHITEST and therefore GREATEST dessert there is. Talk about BONDING.




If I was The Best Way To Instill In A Child The Whole Point Behind Gift Giving At Christmas Time, someone dressed as Santa would loudly crash into the child's bedroom at 3 am on Christmas Eve screaming "This is what you get for hitting your sister all year you little fuck!" then he'd relentlessly beat the child really hard with Christmas stocking with an orange in the toe then when the child was nearly passed out from pain, the Santa guy would throw five thousand dollars cash at him in wadded up ones and yell: "GOT IT?"




That's all for now!
Don't get caught tryin to convince the retarded girl across the street that you have a candy cane in your pants and all she has to do is reach in and get it.
Your Leading Cause of Pre-natal White Supremacy,
Don Ho

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Ms. Robyn is a gaywad.

I love those pictures of all the pretty girls, but I'm still wondering where you got the pics of the dead Asians in your Tookie ed. Are those really Tookie's victims or just reasonable facsimiles? I keep coming back to look at them - you know, rubbernecking.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

robyn,
thanks!
no -- those are actual forensic photos of his victims == took abot 15 minutes of google to find them 10 of which was trying to find out the names of his victims. it's so lovely how the victims are so quickly forgotten.

 

Blogger pisscock mcgee is a gaywad.

Dear sir,

Here's to Us, keeping it "real" and not letting this bogus holiday celebrating the unfortunate non-abortion of that most famous bum get in the way of our prodigious output. Hear hear! While others (losers) leave their internet posts to go "spend time" with "friends and family," you and I stay the course, giving those less fortunate (like ourselves) something new to read on this long cold rainy night. BC Slais celebrated the holiday eve by purchasing himself a dollar thirty pouch of Bugler brand cigarette tobacco. Be assured that in addition to being the most thoughtful gift I shall receive, it shall be the only. Aside from your xmas eve blog post of course. [fade in Rod Stewart]

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i just commented on your blog too you butthole. merry christmas.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

I got buttwipes for christmas.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Happy Boxing Day!

"The stalkers were hung by the chimney with care..."

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

i celebrated my first christmas this year...



i think this makes me a bad, jewhating jew.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

I effing hate xmas but I love New Years. . .

Whats wuth the chick holding the picture of the guy holding his penis? And who punched him in the face?

Just curious.

Happy Holidays, duchebags,
*Badgirl

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

how much work do you do to your photos before you post them? they always look incredible.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

Dude...next time you need photos of dead asian chicks just shoot me an email. I just pretend they are asleep.

 

Blogger Danny is a gaywad.

first, I told you not to post that picture of me and my cock. Second, I miss you so much. Touch me.

Third, get that damned dragon out of here, he's smelling up the place.

 

Blogger Zombie Lou is a gaywad.

Lou Reed loves dead hookers.

 

Blogger Tumbleweed is a gaywad.

OMG, I actually have a retarded boy that lives across the street from me. He's about 15 and kind of an ass, I imagine it might be due to the fact his mom is a douchebag!

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I am completely fascinated by Meredith's necklace. I just keep staring at it. I've never seen anything like it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Allison Quick the Assassin Chick,
baby wipes would have been a good present, due to the lube -- dry scratchy buttwipes is clearly an indication that gramma hates you.
=====================

Squid Vicious,
i never box shit up cuz i never unbox it -- this is just cleaning up the kitchen day.
=====================


Anonymous ,
bad, jewhating jews are the best kind of jews. congratulations.
=================

~*Bettie,
umm -- liza just happened to be sitting next to a picture of a weener yeiling dude who was wearing the exact same shirt. i thought it merited kodak moment status.
==================



poopee shmoopee,
i'd say i spend anywhere from 15minutes to 45minutes on each photo just tweeking this and that before i'm done with it. i could probably do it a lot more quickly but i like to work on every part of a photo much as i would if i was making a painting.
====================



Calzone,
dead asian chick photos? that's not a matter of need -- it's a matter of want -- verge of death is better though.
====================


Danny,
that's my favorite picture of you and it looked so good. you'll forgive me as usual.
==================


Lou Reed,
loves? are you sure? lou reed LOVES heroin, are you sure you want to put dead hookers on the same list? maybe lou reed just LIKES dead hookers. lou reed should be more selective with his words. lou reeds lyrics would improve.
======================



Tumbleweed,
trick him into showing you his candy cane -- holy shit -- i just realized that i have never in my life seen the genitals of a retarded person -- how could this happen? must google RIGHT NOW!
===================



Wendy,
i believe meredith made that necklace. it's a bunch of kids toys spray painted gold. maybe her friend made it. we talked about it but as usual i wasn't really paying much attention. i'm rad like that.

 

Anonymous melina is a gaywad.

The last pic almost looks like that modeling website and your avatar merks...scaaaaarrrrry! No offense to the pretty girl, but she's looking Barbie!

Well, happy 4th night of hanukkah/chanukah/chanukkah--it's tough to get all that wax from the last 10 years out of the candle holders in your menorah...or your ears...

really? thanks for 2005's laughter and pics. please bing ji ling back to the knitting factory in 2006!

 

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December 21, 2005

A Really Sincere, Not Meant To Be Funny, Letter That I Just Wrote To My Very Very Good Friend, The Poop Joke.

Oh Poop Joke I just think you are tops! -- Who gives a fuck about the stuffy hunchbacked old ladies, the stodgy politicians, the snobby comedian types that dis you and me and say that we are are unadvanced, juvenille and silly, and that it's all just too easy. You and I, we know they are full of shit, we're easy like sunday morning.




Just turn down the lights and fire up the dutch oven, laughing (or choking) WILL ensue. We know what's up Poop Joke. They can make their jokes about popular culture, they can whine about celebrities outfits and bag on their contemporaries until the cow turds come home but you and I -- we know about HISTORY.




We don't go for trend you and I poop joke. People like us have been around for centuries. Long before Snarky McCollege was making fun of Lindsay Lohan's weird boobs (bad example), Jesus and his gay disciples were laughing at pita bread farts. Long before Ironic DelTaco was making witty jokes about terror alerts, and bagging on greasedicked hipsters, a young Mark Twain was lighting bags of poop on fire and putting them on his neighbor's raft. Poop joke, you and I -- we know how to laugh really hard at really good honest farts. We don't think we are better than other people, we just know how to have more fun, enjoy our buttholes and tear shit up which means we ARE better than other people.




You wanna know why everyone likes us? Because we don't even need to try to be funny, we just ARE funny and we will always be funny. The only people that pretend not to like us don't have any friends anyway. We're like the only creatures on the planet that cause people discomfort due to the effort needed to NOT laugh at us. It's so strange the courage and bravery and honor that it takes to be like us isn't it Poop Joke? It actually takes balls to stick with the likes of you and me Poop Joke.




Let those smartass comedians and comedy writers bag on us all they want, but Poop Joke, ultimately we'll get the really cool chicks, you know, the kind that don't freak out when we get skidmarks. The kind that can eat anywhere and fart in any kind of car. The kind that aren't fake depressed, chasing trends, career and making crappy graphic design. We get the good chicks, the kind that don't wear those dumb fucking librarian glasses and the kind that do wear those awesome librarian glasses.




We can be poor as fuck and still bag the hottest babes, it's a glorious fact. You and I can walk into a room and immediately separate the turds from the brie and even though that last thing I said didn't make one ounce of sense it doesn't matter because you and I don't need to make no bleeding sense, we just need to be who we really are and that is completely perfect.




I love you poop joke, I really really do. Those motherfuckers that can't hang, those insecure scrotumbowls that think that by not laughing with us that they are being really smart and mature and stuff are only missing out. They will all be divorced and depressed in two seconds because they can't smell the awesomeness that is the Poop Joke. Their noses are plugged and it is sad.




Poop joke, I'm glad WE aren't sad. Even when we do get sad now and then, all we have to do is laugh at ourselves and we immediately become happy again, especially when we make poop NOISES. Oh man, we love that shit. We know what's funny. Let's go get a burrito, pick up on chicks and fart for twenty hours straight ok Poop Joke?




That's all for now!
Don't get caught lashing out at your good friends Lydia, Alex, and Will just because they don't understand the highly evolved nature of poop!
Your Extremely Academic Intellecual Negro Who Refuses To Say *Scatalogical* Because *POOP* Is One Billion Times Funnier And Twice As Efficient GAYWADS!!
Tom Brokaw

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

Merry Kwanza!

Now this is the reason I have a windshield wiper on my monitor and I taught myself how to type with one hand. I’m glad you’re back to the old school, poop jokes and hot chicks. They go back like babies and pacifiers. You should have contest on this thing for people to vote for the hottest picture you’ve taken. I know what my pick would be.

holla

 

Blogger Willy Jo is a gaywad.

Sweet! the blob batches are back. let me grab my strange and misterious
shininagan
munky and
punish
him
proper like.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Your classiest post ever. The loving ode and the beautiful, girls, well, it just marries so well.

And, Lydia must get the poop jokes, Right? Tell me so, Right?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Virgle Kent,
what is your favorite one? i know what my favorite is.
======================


Willy Jo,
that monkey is a little scoundrel. one time it took off with my macaroni and cheese and went swinging through the trees and it made me sneeze till i fell to my knees and i cried "please oh please oh please" and the monkey did freeze like a bag of frozen peas and then it began to tease me with my mac and cheese. (this all happened in belize) i began to wheeze and inhaled some fleas and bees by the twos and threes and i reached for my keys but my keys were seized by some g's on skis that sailed the seas and i let loose some pleas: "who be these who seize my keys and mac and cheese and swing in trees and sail the seas?" and then a light breeze put me at ease like a big ol' squeeze from a fat chinese and my unease dropped by ten degrees and the monkey died of some disease named "burmese aziz" and geez louise, every monkey agrees that this story should end before anyone sees the board of trustees and their green trainees on the sleaze trapeze with their lame decrees of the a's and b;s and c's and d's broadcasting out to all TV's ---
anyway willy jo, that monkey has ten different VD's

====================


Wendy,
i try to be as classy as i can be. i was wearing a tux when i wrote it. that's why.

 

Blogger Willy Jo is a gaywad.

er ah duh well

nice hiku

 

Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

Well hands down my pick for best picture ever is Jaclyn back in October hand down... runner up is the "her majesty" girl also in october... ah ocotober was a good month for you.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

Were all those hot chicks made out of poop?

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

Here is one of my most favorite things about my friend David: he gets all nostalgic and shit the same time every year. (like greenwich time bi-annual mean time) For real. Every year at your birthday, and at Christmas, you become absolutely irresistable.
We first met at this time of year how many years ago.

 

Blogger Malicia is a gaywad.

Wait a minute...this is you being irresistible?

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i think you should write a picture storybook about a monkey that poops on pretty girls at christmastime.

or maybe pretty girls pooping on monkeys pooping on christmas trees.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

scrotumbowl. i like it. you know how you like somebody? like really like them? you get jealous when they tell you how many times they pooped that day if you're behind 1 poop or 3 poops and you continue this contest every single day. and then they buy you ice cream and hope you poop but are just proud if you fart, especially if it's one of those weird sounding farts that sounds like someone's talking.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

i meant to say "you know how you KNOW you like somebody?"

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

That Jesus and his pita bread farts..

Thanks for this post. I've been way too serious lately.

 

Blogger Amber is a gaywad.

Meredith is a beautiful girl regardless but DAMN! Gorgeous.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Willy Jo,
thanks willy, it all just plaooped out like i was eminem or somethig. it was weird.
====================

Virgle Kent,
well i think i just might have to agree with you on that. i think i need to start actually trying to take really good pictures instead of just firing off snap shots.
=====================

Calzone,
all those girls are in the process of making poop.

you were pretty close.
====================

THEMERRYJANETRAIN,
i never get that way. you lie.
====================

Malicia,
that's what i was thinking. i think merry was drunk.
====================

poopee shmoopee,
poop and christmas go together like donuts and hot dogs.
======================

Francine Ocelot,
are you in looooove francine?
======================


Allison Quick the Assasin Chick,
that's because you're all growed up now.
======================

Amber,
meredith is a hottie for sure. do you know her? do i know you?
======================

 

Anonymous john is a gaywad.

Am I the only one who noticed that Alex Blagg's link is incorrect?

it's blaggblogg.blogspot.com

 

Blogger Amber is a gaywad.

I do know Meredith. She's the cutest thing. She likes my dog.

I haven't had the pleasure of making your acquaintance although you have taken pictures of many of my friends. I've been reading your blog for a long time and you are my "friend" on myspace which means we must be bff's or something like that.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

loooooooooooove equals faaaaaaaaaaaarts. i'm more of a burper than a farter, truth be told. the clapper is hooked up to a lamp in the master bedroom so i try to burp real loud in various other parts of the house and see if i can make it go on and off. you don't write about burps much. they're pretty good too.

 

Blogger jodifosterturkeybaster is a gaywad.

she is so hot. The one with the facial hair. I can never get enough of that.

Merkley, aren't you about due for a profile pic change? Just a thought. I still love you, just not as much as I would if you were a hot female, ages 11to14.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

poop

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

the funniest poop i ever met was on the street in front of my house next to an out house. it was a big giant people poop of the homeless crack head variety. those are the best ones you know...the homeless crackhead poops - they are crazy large, hard and come out more or less petrified. every once in a while they come out soft. but those are rare sort of like the all blue lobsters in maine.

poop.

 

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December 20, 2005

Pickle. Hot Dog. Ketchup. Mayo. Mustard. Donut Hole.

You know how when I get bored and I don't have anything I really want to write about, I fill out those MySpace Surveys and then post them on my blog? Yeah, well that's what this is you gaywads.

10 commenters:
When you go to your MySpace page, who are the current 10 people who have commented??

1. Your Mom
2. Your Dad
3. Your Sister
4. Your Brother
5. Your Uncle
6. Your Grampa
7. Your Gramma
8. President George W Bush
9. A Random Gay
10. A Real Live Fart.

Have you ever been in a relationship with 3 (Your Sister)?
If by relationship you mean: As she fiddles your brother's hot dog, I paint pictures of them with mustard and mayo on pink toilet paper -- yes, I AM in a relationship of sorts with her at this very second.

Describe 7 (Your Gramma) in one word:
Horny.

What's the best memory you have of 2 (Your Dad)?
One time your Dad and I were down at the mustard factory and we pantomimed one billion corn dog jokes with our hot dogs and then I killed him with a giant glob of cheese.

How did you meet 1 (Your Mom)?
I was the plastic surgeon she hired to fill her boobs with big globs of cheese and made it so her nipples could squirt mustard. She found me in the yellow pages. Ha ha get it? mustard yellow?

When was the last time you saw 6 (Your Grampa)?
I saw your Grampa at your Dad's funeral, he had a big mustard stain on his pants and I giggled the whole time.

How do you feel about 10 (A Real Live Fart)?
I like real live farts when they sound funny and/or resemble mustard, but not if they have the effect of deadly mustard GAS, unless I just HEAR about it and it involves some funny description of the way people look when they are choking. The idea of some dickhead choking on a real live mustard gas fart is kinda cool especially if he was choking on a hot dog at the same time.

What was 4's (your brother's) comment about?
read it yourself:
"merkley???, your pickle made ketchup and mayo come out of my donut hole"
Ketchup and pickle jokes are lame. Your brother totally wants to wobble my hot dog or something. The mayo part was pretty good though. Jizz jokes are top notch.

What don't you like about 5 (your uncle)?
He doesn't call the next day.

Have you met 9's (A Random Gay's) family?
have YOU met A Random Gay's family? That's what I thought pickledick, What are you, a fukkin homophobe? this is SF yo, get with the movement and bend over and let me introduce my hot dog to your buns mannn -- ahhh yeah, that's right -- just like that ---- oooohhhhhhhh yeah... see? There was nothin to phobe about that.

Did you comment back 3 (your sister)?
I slapped her really hard if that's what you mean. she's such a retard too, when I slapped her she's all "duuuurrrrr darrrrrrr" and then she made some of those big spit bubbles with her mouth and she also pooped her pants. It's rad you kept her feeding tube in, even radder that she only glurps down mustard and mayo. BTW, let's just say: if I crammed a hot dog way way way up her butt, do you think she'd get ANY nutrients from it? Because I was just doing my taxes and I think that might count as charitable donation seein's how she's a retard vegetable n'all.

What color looks best on 7 (your Gramma)?
That's easy, Mustard yellow unless she's naked then definitely whatever you call the color of mayo -- -- like clearish white or something.

Is 1 (Your mom) in a relationship?
technically, I never had sex with her, I just installed the cheese globs and mustard packets in her tits, why, did she say something?

What song reminds you of 10 (a real live fart)?
The one about beans being a musical fruit. That's so weird, I totally knew you were gonna ask that.

What would you change about 6 (your grampa)?
His diaper.

Does 5 (your uncle) tell you juicy secrets?
Eeeewwww, I just totally thought you said "juicy secretions" gross out. Anyway, no, no juicy secrets. Dude, say "juicy" like twenty times in a row. Jewwwsseeee... that's a weird word ---- *WEIRD* is a weird word too --- ooh, say THAT: weird word weird word weird word -- I love the english language it's so CRAZY.

Tell me something wonderful about 8 (President George W. Bush).
He is the best president on the history of our great nation.

Does 9 (A Random Gay) make you laugh?
All gays are hilarious especially when they snap their fingers and say stuff like "you go girl" I love that shit.

Ok now chop off your hot dog.

What? That's not a question.

Oh yeah, I don't have anymore questions.

Good. I was getting bored.

Me too.

We have a lot in common,

Yeah, sounds like you had sex with everyone in my family.

Nah, I was just joking.

I know.

Except about your Grampa, I'd totally change his diaper if I were you....... oh yeah, and I killed your Dad with a glob of cheese.

Just then merkley??? and the interviewer were hit by an out of control hot dog cart and killed as George W. Bush giggled about the whole idea of MUSTARD GAS.

The end.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught slowly sounding out the word JUICY and slowly morphing into the word JEWISHY while getting a really paranoid look on your face.
Your Most Effective Form Of Mustard/Birth Control Paste,
Ronald McDonald

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Zombie Lou is a gaywad.

Lou Reed doesn't like it when you talk that way abour your grandmother. It makes Lou Reed jealous.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

I've never really been down with having sex with members of my family. I mean I do it, but I'm never that into it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Lou reed has nothing to worry about, gramma's hoohee is just a ghost -- no sense in getting lou reed's thong in a knot about that.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

calzone,
i feel the same way about having sex with your family, except i like all the prayers and sand.
sometimes the pole needs a little refinishing.

 

Blogger Tumbleweed is a gaywad.

I love your blog! You just might have a new stalker. I also love hot dogs(footlong), mustard and farting.....oh, and BIG pickles.

My family is boring, I am jealous.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

"Mustard gas" hehehe. That cracked me up.

But, seriously, can I sign up for a cheese mustard boob job? My husband would totally dig that as those are two of his favorite food groups, or condiments, or something.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

i found a christmas gift for you---merks brand port wine cheese spread.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

cheese nips. boyscouts. 3 toed sloths. buttplugs.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

If only those boobs came with tortilla chips and "freedom" (Fuck France - them snail-munching pussies) fries...

Mustard and fries, yummy.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Tumbleweed,
thanks tumble -- sometimes i even write stuff or something.
======================



Wendy,
wendy wendy wendy --- it's all pretend. i don't recommend puting cheeseballs in your boobs -- however, you may as well stck cheetos up squid's butt -- why the fuck not?
==========================


gabrielle,
is that a real product? i want it.
=====================


Francine Ocelot,
i know that you are stealing my trick of skimming the post and just entering something that seems vaguely related. i invented that shit francine.
=======================


Squid,
dude, i totally gave your wife a good idea -- you should check it out.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

the best part of your post is the ending. mustard gas is HILARIOUS.

 

Blogger Monkey is a gaywad.

Now that I know your family likes mustard so much, I'll get you all some Poupon for Christmas. Or Poop On. Your choice.

Calzone tried to have sex with me once. He was confused by my hoo-hah. Lou Reed wanted to watch.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

damnit. you know all my tricks. i have a problem where i see a whole bunch of words and my eyeballs shake back and forth real fast and then i nearly lose consciousness. that's why i can't read most things i've written because they're soooo lonnnnng. because if i did read them over, my eyeballs would surely shake themselves out of my skull and then where would i be?

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

you have to use the hard ugly cheetohs, the originals, because the airy poofy cheetohs just crumble up into a cheese poof puff of ort. Then you have to cram the cheese poof puff ort up "there" manually and that isn't the point of your idea is it? I think we did it wrong. doggoneit. No really, the dog eats up the cheese poof puff ort.

 

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December 12, 2005

Tookie Giveth and Tookie Pisseth Away (and a Totally Awesome Surprise Ending That Will Leave You Begging For Your Faggot Mommy)



So I bumped into Stanley "Tookie" Williams, the Aaron Neville impersonator and inventor/founder of the CRIPS in his cell on death row. He certainly was muscley and gigantic and Aaron Nevilley (only without the mole) but he was TOTALLY peeing his pants -- like MAJORLY.

"What's up Tookie? I ask as I flash him some weird hand stuff that makes it look like I am a gang, only do it really super super fast so he can't tell I'm just making it up and I make sure to add in the sign language thing for the letter *J* because it's the only one I ever really remember and it makes me look legit, "What's with all the pee?"

"It's not pee, it's lemonade", Tookie responds "I write kids books. I help kids. I am good. Nobel peace prize. I was nominated. It's lemonade. Taste it.

"Uuummmm well, no thanks, it's coming out of your weiner and ummm BTW, I don't think you should keep your weiner tucked between your legs like that. It doesn't look very tough."

"Duh. That's the point JIVE TURKEY" and then he does that thing Prince always did with the peace sign where he slides it across his eyes like he's tricky or sexy or something,

There's a knock at the door and in walks the one and only Snoop Doggy Dog, he is carrying a big bunny costume.

"Here Tookie nizzle -- put this on. It'll make you cuter izzle izzle fizzle fazzle fiddle faddle bedazzler."

"HA HA -- I LOVE Fiddle Faddle!" I say "and BeDazzlers!"

Tookie puts on the bunny suit and immediately fills it with pee.

"Good thinking Snoop!" I quip .. "this whole campaign to make Tookie into the cutest thing alive is totally awesome, not to mention COMPLETELY ADORABLE!"

"Tookienizzle nazzle -- you gotta stop pissizzling your pizzants. Pizzeople don't like pizzee. Pizzee ain't supposta bizzee pizzart of the prizzogrizzam!"

"Its not pee." I whisper in Snoops ear, "it's lizzemonizzade wizzink wizzink."

"Fo shizzle."

Anyway Tookie, I know you are super busy with last minute pants pissing and what not but I just wanted to say that I hate chinks too so I'm TOTALLY glad you slaughtered the fuck out of those -- what did you call them? Buddaheads? Yeah -- that was awesome -- dude --you know -- how you blew them away at point blank with a SHOTGUN



-- Arnold SchwarzeNegro should be fucking giving you a fucking AWARD for that shit. I mean that old gook was like 75 and his wife? Psshhh WHORE! And that daugher? That's what she gets for bein' a chink right?



OOOHHH and dude, and that freckled white dude you shot in the back at the 7-11 for like 60 bucks? --- what a total NERD!!





High five bro!

"Shhhhhhhh. Don't talk about the white one. Besides, I never admitted to either of those crimes". Tookie says as he ties a big pink bow on his head and fluffs his bunny tail. "Does this make my butt look cute?" Tookie asks Snoop -- "not in a gay way -- you know -- like a bunny's butt?"

"Fo shizzle my bizunny nizzle."

"And seriously," I continue, "that CRIPS gang you put together -- talk about a lifetime motherfucking achievement award --- the governor is TOTALLY gonna grant you clemency for that shit -- he HATES the coloreds and that's like the most ingenious anti-colored invention of all time. Did you plan that? You're like the Richard Simmons of black on black genocide or something. It's pure fucking genius. How did you come up with that? Like how many negroes have killed other negroes with all that gang stuff?"

"Thousands and thousands and billions" Tookie beams as he paints little cute freckles on his bunny cheeks. (still peeing buckets by the way.)

"Don't you worry Tookie, there ain't no way a good aryan like Arnold Schwarzenegro is gonna be putting you to death cuz you gotta keep them cute little negroes looking up to you as a hero so your anti-negro CRIPS invention can work and finally wipe the black race off the earth for good. What Nazi could possibly hate THAT!? I mean what better way to confuse a bunch of negroes than by getting a ruthless murderer who invented the leading cause of black death to write the books that will obviously inspire the young negroes to follow in his exact same footsteps but with the main trick being reverse psychology in that you tell them that gangs and your invention is "WHACK" and is only for "JIVE TURKEYS" and "DON'T DO IT". Honestly Tookie, I didn't even know that negroes KNEW about reverse psychology but you sure proved ME wrong. You writing books about the evils of gang life is like Charles Manson writing a book on how not to look creepy. It's AWESOME!!

"Thanks" says Tookie -- "How do you like this?" Tookie does his best Bo Jangles impersonation and I have to admit it is fucking adorable, it's like Aaron Neville without the mole and a whole lot more spunk only dressed as a bunny with his weenie tucked between his legs peeing five billion gallons.

"You are so TOTALLY gonna get clemency" I say.

Just then, in walks Oscar™ Award winner Jamie Foxx. He is still acting blind so he is bumping into shit and then he starts singing as Ray Charles:
"Happy biiiirrrrthday tooo oooo ooo ooooh oooh meeeeeeee e e eeee eee eee ,
happy buuuuuuuurrrth day to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,
happy birth day dear Raaaaaaaayyyyy Chaaaaaaaarles,
happy birthday toooooo meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....."

and the eeeeeee part goes on for like three hours and ten minutes and not once does Tookie stop peeing his pants.

"Does he know he's not actually Ray Charles?" I ask Snoop.

"Nizzo"

"Anyway, I seriously gotta hand it to all of you guys, you couldn't have planned this more perfectly," I tell them "you got Snoop Dogg, one of the most famous CRIPS, you got Jamie Foxx as the beloved Ray Charles who is really the only black person besides Jimmy J.J. Walker that white people ever really liked, you got the NAACP, you got JESSIE MOTHERFUKKKIN' JACKKKSON, ... you guys have turned this whole situation into a win win for Whitey. What am I saying? This is win win win win win -- like ten or thirteen wins for whitey; Arnold says "DIE" and the book sales go through the roof, you're a martyr, blacks rebel and gangs get even bigger meaning more black on black murder and even though it's just a drop in the bucket your execution does equal one more dead black dude and if Arnold says LIVE, book sales go through the roof, you keep leading the black genocide with reverse psychology in your new bunny get-up. I mean, no matter what happens here Whitey wins. So on behalf of white people everywhere let me be the first to say THANK YOU TOOKIE!!

Just then I notice that I am, in fact, completely dead and have been for a few minutes because I apparently drowned in Tookie's billions of gallons of pee that flooded the earth. Everything I typed since I typed the spooky "KKK" in Jessie Jackson's name has been my actual ghost doing the typing. In fact, wanna know what? I just noticed that EVERYONE is dead EXCEPT TOOKIE!! What a weird twist. Snoop, Jamie Foxx as Ray Charles, Jessie Jackson, Charles Manson (who looks remarkably UNCREEPY -- dead --- hmmmmph), and even Arnold Schwarzenegro, EVERYBODY is dead, all drowneded in Tookie's PEE

Even you dear reader. You are dead too.

Today, we ALL drowned in Tookie's fear pee. It was a very special pee, that, like Noah's great flood, returned to cleanse the earth, only this time, there was no ark. So whatever you THINK you watched on TV or whatever you DREAMED that you read about this case after it is all decided, just remember it's all in your dead rotting head or spirit or ghost or whateverthefuck because you are in fact DEAD, we ALL are. Who knew?

At least we now know that there is DEFINITELY life after death and it's exactly like life BEFORE death except it smells a little bit more like Tookie's pee.

I'm not kidding. You're dead. Don't believe me? Punch yourself really hard in the face and see if you feel anything you fucking pee guzzling ghostfucks. Tookie giveth and Tookie pisseth away.


That's all for now!
Don't get caught fiddling with your ghost hoodeehoo and thinking "wow, this feels just like my regular hoodeedoo -- THANKS TOOKIE!"
Your Multi-National, Multi-Lingual, Multi-Sclerosis, Multi-Platform Lover of All Things ELLEN!,
Richard Pryor

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

your posts keep making me hungry.

 

Blogger MPD is a gaywad.

Merk I have been peeing ever since I started to read this. As a matter of fact I'm still peeing

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gabs,
pee makes you hungry, pee and hamburgerized tookie victim faces.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

MPD,
not really peeing though -- dead guy peeing maybe, but not real peeing. i'm not kidding. we are in the afterlife. get used to it. we pray to tookie now.

 

Anonymous Bonar is a gaywad.

Wow!

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

A-Fucking-Men...
Thank you for stating what needed to be stated. All I learned from Dookie was if you're going to kill people, write a few children's books first.
After hearing all the facts on this case, a jury sentenced him to death for the MULITPLE crimes and MURDERS he committed. Then appeal after fucking appeal failed - after careful consideration of ALL THE EVIDENCE. He's had 25 years to get his shizzle commutedizzled. I guess Snoop put down the "chronic" long enough to attend a rally? Give me a break...
If I was Arnold Schwartzanizzle, I'd be injectanizzling the needle myself. (If I was alive and could make it through the fear pee.)

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

Reading this post makes me feel like I just awoke from the most fucked up dream I ever had. Thanks.

 

Anonymous Donkey Kong is a gaywad.

He killed people?

I thought all this fuss was over some seriously shitty childrens books.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

See, now this is why I am here everyday, all day "stalking" your pee drenched corpse. Well, not so much stalking, as in reading what your dead brain has to say.

You are a friggen genius, best post ever. I'm glad other people out there "get it" and aren't caught up in the Rap, Hollywood, superstar bullshit media blitz.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to wash the pee off my ceiling.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

I love O Henry endings

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

Bye Bye, Tookie. Set your VCRs for some good riot footage for shizzle my nizzle, Merkizzle dizzle.

(All apologies to American Pie):
I know that I won't be the one who cries;
When I read about his ass being fried;
Nothing touched me deep inside;
The day that murderer died.

Bye, Bye Tookie go die;
Stick the needle in the IV;
So he can go bye.
Write your children's books in Hell while you fry;
Singing this is the day that you die!

Love, Squid
(I'm too lazy to log in.)

 

Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

Merkley???

Like my penis when I have an outbreak, I don't even want to touch this subject. I mean I want to but I wont. Well when I was 14 i wanted to join a gang then I read one of Tookie's books and decided that the Crips were wizack. So instead I joined the MS13 "Mi vida loca". I didn't want to get jumped in for 13 seconds so I decide to just sleep with one of the members. If you really saw Tookie did he teach you how to C walk? No? Welll tonight when he's getting dunsky, the crew and I will C walk for 12 minutes straight and spell his name out.

4 shizel

holla

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Bonar,
You for got the WEEEE.

======================


Squid Vicious,
thanks dude. and thanks for the lovely poem. it's always nice to have a song in one's heart.

======================


Inner Fonzie,
imagine if i had published it the way i originally wrote it. it was all about TV's Facts Of Life's TOOTIE, but then suddenly i realized tookie was like dying today and so i switched it. tootie doesn't die for like months.

==================

Donkey Kong,
ha ha -- you totally win for best comment. awesome.

===================


Wendy,
thanks wendy. i can always count on you to back me up with anything regarding a little common sense.

oh yeah, and pee.

======================


Calzone,
it totally surprised you didn't it. now what the fuck did you do to married man? i told you he was tender and sensitive. now go buy some flowers for him and this time USE LUBE!

===========-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Virgle Kent,

a. never neglect the wang,

b. you? in a gang? HA!! menudo --- MAYBE.

c. now i have to google MS13

d. no he didn't teach me the C walk, truthfully, i think he was a little pissed that i kept calling him tootie and trying to grab his gigantic boobs. but if you can spell it out by walking then i magine it ain't too much different than making a snow angel or peeing in the snow --- hey, i wonder if there is a website deicated to people making snow angels in pee snow?

holla

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

Merkeley, I don't know how you can say all this! Tookie has a host of awards for his accomplishments, including the Annual Best Afro Award (twice), the Cell Block 4 Bench Press Contest, Best Looking Gang Banger (1978, 1979), and the Annual Illest Nigga Award (won 8 times times). How dare you diminish him?

BTW, your myspace pic is cute. Nice pink dress and I'm wondering, do you dye your hair that blond color? Can I have your telephone number? (tehe)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

anonymous,
first of all don't be anonymoous.

second of all: DIMINISH? you kids are all so jaded that you think EVERYTHING is sarcastic. this was a heartfely hommage. i really do believe that tookie is the new jesus and that his pee has saved us from ourselves.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

I know, I'll miss the little fucker. It won't be the same paying a stranget to lack my sack.

 

Blogger Professor Leotus Clouse & The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

He is officially gone now...

 

Blogger Professor Leotus Clouse & The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

anybody know of any kick ass riots to attend?

 

Blogger Professor Leotus Clouse & The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

I got half a bottle of thunderbird and an old sawed off pistol grip pump, in my lap at all times of course.
Merkley, wanna go ride on some fools?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

well,
so my friend will franken called and asked if i wanted to drive out to san quentin to witness the whole specatcle and perhaps make asses of ourselves --- what -- on a monday night? with him driving? how could i resist --

all the usual suspects were there acting like total idiots, Will had three protest signs in his trunk from his comedy act -- one was the single letter L one was Z one was D and we held them for their inherent absurd qualities. there were lots of hippies and black dudes wearing blue --- when people asked me what the Z on my sign stood for i'd always come back with some jack ass comment like "i'm to la Z to kill tookie myself" or "if you knew tookie like i know tookie, you'd KNOW what Z stood for YOU POSER" at one point we were surrounded by angry people of color with the occasional dreadlocked white hippie becuase we were obviously mocking them and laughing a lot while they sung their hymns and compared him to ghandi, moses, and mlk --- truly absurd shit.

my favorite quips were when people would ask me about my sign i'd say -- well -- you see, tookie is one of my best friends --- we have been really good friends since pre CRIP days, i remember when he first thought of the crips and i called him a douchebag --- anyway, as Tookies best friend i can say that he is a TOTAL ASSHOLE and he deserves to die. -- i think that remark is the one that got us surrounded.

one woman was holding a giant protest sign and she sighed very loudly "shame on the USA" and i fired back quite loudly in a very gay tone, "shame on you for wearing that orange jacket oh and girl that hair dye -- you need to dye YO ROOTS girl" that one garnered laughs even from the praying hippie fags.

anyway -- i could write a whole bunch more -- but i don't feel like it -- next time i'll plan it out a little more and do it for the cameras so i can share with you all.

but man -- protest people are the craziest people on the planet.

oh yeah -- also, i walked by mike farrell who played bj honeycut or something on MASH and as he was being interviewed with a somber expression on his face, i poked him gently on his shoulder and said really loud "HEY IT'S THAT RADAR DUDE FROM MASH!!"

ok that's a lie -- i only said "HEY IT'S THAT DUDE FROM MASH" but i SHOULD have said radar or klinger.

did you see me on tv?

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

I just don't know why you aren't published yet. It confounds the mind.
But seriously, will someone fill me in on the pee references? Did the whiny ass bitch cake have a bed wetting problem? Or is it the usual exhibitions of characteristics of males potty trained by means of violence and shame? (wow, I guess I was listening in PSYCH 101) I am blowing my own mind. However, it is more likely that I can't fall asleep after 2 days of driving through Nebraska and Whyoming. You will make my apologies in just such an instance?
I am going to stop typing now

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Seriously?! Man, I would have given my left ovary to be there with the drum lady. I watched the whole thing on all three major cable news channels until 2AM my time. Damn. I am going to give you my home phone number so if this happens again, you can call me and I will record you on TV.

Yeah, I didn't even realize Blow Job, Uhh, I mean Mike Farrell was such a hippy until yesterday. He and Cavuto or somebody like him, nearly had a shout fest. Of course BJ is too quiet and peaceful to shout, but he began to visibly shake with anger.

Shoot, wish I had seen you on the box, that would have been cool.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

merry,
well -- i'd have to write a book first -- right?

pee -- yeah as in "scared the piss out of"

most organisms have been recorded to release the contents of their bladders and even their bowels in cases of extreme fear or surprise. i thought this would be an obvious detail of my story.

i hope that helps.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
yeah, i have been looking through flickr to see if we showed up in some background shots but i haven't found anything yet.

i'm kinda pissed at myself that i didn't take pictures -- i was slightly buzzed -- whatever.

 

Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

Hey! dont sleep on Menudo! didn't you see City of God, Menudo was that gang of little kids that shot lill Zen at the end...duh. Hold up you didn't see City of God? Well um foreget what I just told you.

By the way you've inspired me to put together a charity event in honor of Tookie. We were hoping you could be one of our Celebrity guests. Please check the holla for more information.

Thank you

Jesus Saves

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

Squid here...
You know, I wish I could have driven up there to watch the lights flicker at San Quentin. Wait, it was a shot, sorry.
For the rest of your life you will have the memory of Tookie's last night. Glad you made it out ok...

As a tribute to the late, great Tookie, I am enclosing a quote from one of his children's books entitled:
Don't Be Joinin' No Gangs Muthafucka

"Shoot you in yo' face;
Brains all over da place;
Whitey layin' on the flo';
Won't be hollain' no mo';
I thought it'd be coo';
To be all braggy like a foo';
Tell my boyz in da Crips;
I'z a one who dun did zis;
But the lawerz' struck a deal;
To make them fuckaz squeal;
The pinned this rap on me;
Now I iz in a penatentury;
I did not do these crimez;
Them otha folks be liaz;
As to who did really did this;
I cannot speak up on dis;
Cuz' I ain't no snitch;
Jesse Jackson'z my bitch;
So go on and kill me if you dare;
I'z born to be a mar-tare!"

RIP Tookie. Say hello to Ted Bundy, Jeffery Dahmer, and the other mass murderers in hell. Oh, wait, you had 25 years to "get right with God". That's 25 years more than the 4 people you murdered. I guess they would have liked to gain clemency too...

 

Anonymous Bonar Bain is a gaywad.

Awesome tale, Merkley.

(I didn't forget the "WEEEE".I knew it would sound funnier when you said it.)

 

Anonymous Sue-G is a gaywad.

Maybe if his nickname was "Tucky," Arnold would have saved him. Just a thought.

Dude! You were at the Utah Jazz celebration and now Tookie. What gives? You just like people who look like Karl Malone/Rodney King/Aaron Neville.

"Fart Knocker!"

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

sugye,
i dont get the tucky thing.

indeed, i do think that utah jazz thing was the last big spectacle thing i attended --- believe it or not i thought about it a few times when i was out at san quentin.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

Oh! I am so sorry, please let me clarify what I consider "published": getting paid for your brand of particular brand of blather. Well, why don't you get on with it already, what you waitin for you stupid whore?
Will no one let me in on the scatological vein of this
post?
I love San Quentin. Why don't you do a follow up story with cameras and mike? Y'know, in the daily show style. But maybe you have already done this and I am being redundant. But maybe I know you all to well, and you won't do something until its your idea...,sigh. Nevermind.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

To lazy to log in sorry

 

Blogger Willy Jo is a gaywad.

i came to yer site just in time to rub won out. thanks fer the fotos.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i kinda had to pee when i read this post, but then after seeing the photos i really had to poop. when i got to the bathroom i realized that it was only my period.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

Bridget?

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Leave it to Merkley to make an intellegent political statement with his pee jokes. Tool. =P

 

Blogger ~Cheryl is a gaywad.

social commentary/peejoke/stalker comment drama. i do adore lurking here.

< sobstory>i have a stalker; he figured out the yahoo password of a guy I was dating last spring and sent me all the e-mails dateguy had been sending/receiving from other laydeez. it was LOVELY. i called les gendarmes and turned off comments on my blog, and the silly cunt now harries me via a rerouter in the Netherlands. It is peelicious. I highly recommend.< /sobstory>

 

Blogger Danny is a gaywad.

Ok, merks. I have to hand it to you on this one. This is by far, your finest achievement. And I only wish that some day, I will be able to post something similar to what you have created. FPF was no match. None.

 

Blogger LBseahag is a gaywad.

HA HA HA!

I enjoyed this...
As much as I enjoyed his ass getting pounded and then taken down...

You complete me.

Signed-
Resident of Los Angeles

 

Anonymous C Ro is a gaywad.

Who knew pee could be so thought provoking?

I post this link here in no way to disagree with your missive, but to get your thoughts on the article and how it affects (or doesn't) your opinion of Tootie, oops, I mean Tookie.

Tookie Not Founder of Crips

PS Stalkers seem tiring. I no longer want one.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Squid,
whatever, i suck up to you all the time. well i mean, i suck up to your tentacles all the time, well i mean i sometimes give one of your tentacles a handjob every now and then -- wait that wasn't me, that was willy jo or wait was it willy jo's tentacle? i cant rememeber but now i am thinking about a bunch of penises waving all over the plac3e and it's making me hungry or like maybe that i want to go to the car-wash.

=====================

~Cheryl,
oh cheryl -- i hate it when people turn off their comments. how else am i supposed to come over and make an ass of myself? it's no fun just being an ass here all the time.

=====================

Danny,
oh puhlease, this old thang? dude, fudge packer fridays is a legacy that should continue and you know it. i might have to revive all the best gags from all the best blogs dropping off the screen. you know, just basically steal them -- in time, nobody will remember that i didn't invent them and i will get all of your glory and then point directly into your eyeball and laugh like a loon.

=======================

LBseahag,
your blog triad you have over there is quite amusing -- most notably the bums gone loopy one. that one has some staying power for sure. thanks for commenting.

====================

C Ro is a gaywad.
long time no see C ro -- yeah you know i figured as much -- something stunk about that story but it was no surprise whatsoever, that douchebag was all avbout tookie from the get go -- i guess he wont be lying anymore. yay!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

as many of you know there is a mentally derranged woman who stalks me and wrecks my fun here on this blog. i have deleted all of her comments and the comments that were directed in her direction. i refuse to allow a nuttcase turn this (totally sane)blog into a forum for her insanity.

this is a place for MY boogers and poop and MY insanity and the insanity of those who know how to conduct themselves like uummmm people i like.

from now on, unless you catch her comments before i do, we won't, at least YOU won't be hearing from her around here anymore. delete city.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

Bravo Alpha good buddy. Right behind you. Haters suck.

 

Blogger Danny is a gaywad.

Dude, you can totally steal Fudgepacker Fridays. Just promise to out the corpse of Tookie.

And you and Calzone can still lick my sack, and I'll lick yours.

And tell that aluaP (hehe, it's code), to suck my dick. She's good at it.

 

Blogger Cletus Monet III is a gaywad.

Hey batch,

I just killed a cuple a my naybers chickens. We were gonna celebrate the baby jesus turd. yur cordiuly invited.

vuluptiusly yurs,

Clete

 

Anonymous borkborkbork is a gaywad.

Hey, Merkeley???.

That is so awesome that you actually went out to the prison with fake protest signs and caused a ruckus. I giggled just thinking of it. Most non-Tookie type people will NOT shoot you, even if you make them real mad. But you should have worn a Jesus costume. Then it would have been even funnier.

You should start a new topic about how drunk everyone got at the Von Iva show. It was hot like 1983.

 

Blogger ScaryCheri is a gaywad.

man....I miss all the good news. I really should start reading the words and not just look at the pictures.

 

Blogger Danny is a gaywad.

great, now she's ranting on my blog. fuck.

 

Anonymous holly is a gaywad.

is that a pacifier in the chink-chicks mouth?

eddy ate baby poop today!

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Merkley, oh tastiest ass-cheese, you missed my pink eye scare!

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Dude, please, I can't take the carnage anymore. Post a pic of a bunny or something...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

THEMERRYJANETRAIN,
i don't understand anything ever.
====================


Danny,
you can quit the curtw blog but i think i speak for us all that you are forbidden to delete what is already there. ok, i know i ain't your boss, but it made you horny when i commanded you didn't it.
====================


Cletus Monet III,
nobody knows how to celebrate the holidays like you. i'll round up the kids and we'll bring a vaseline casserole -- weee hooo.
====================

borkborkbork,
i did tell a few people that i was jesus and then of course i called tookie a pussy "you didn't hear me pissin and moanin up on the cross" shit like that.

yeah, von iva was fun -- i got super drunk. did we ride in the same truck? hmmmnnn -- now i hafta fegro out who you are.
=====================


ScaryCheri,
i had a feeling you were just looking at the pictures.
that's what i would do too.
=====================


holly,
pacifier? yeah, she was only like 40 something, it's always way sadder when the kids get shot -- she was still in diapers too.
=====================


Allison Quick the Assasin Chick,
oh no i did NOT miss your pink eye, i was just too damn scared to touch my keyboard for fear of getting it. pink eye is surely one of the most pathetic diseases --- mann has it ever been a long time since i woke up with my eyes glued shut --- if it happens now i'm totally blaming you.
==========================


Wendy,
ok -- i'll post something new -- i have been a lazy forking blogger lately. i think i might be depressed about all the bloggers that are dying of aids.

 

Post a Comment

December 06, 2005

If I Was A Hippie Dude's Pickle While Reading This Blog Post...




If I was a Hippie Girl's Armpit Hair, I'd probably go "HA HA HA MOTHERFUCKERS!! GUESS WHO AIN'T GOIN NOWHERES!! HA HA HA" but then I'd feel faint and dizzy because when you laugh really hard you have to breathe in really hard and then I'd think, "Fuck this stank ass bacteria shit , I'm outta here." and then I'd jump out of her armpit and into your BK Veggie Burger.





If I was VIOLENCE, every time some hippie CockBurger said to me; "You don't solve anything", I'd take my *V* and I'd shove it pointy side in into his mouth, spreading it open like a grinning idiot, then I'd take my *I* and beat him over the head with it, then I'd take my *O* and put it around his neck and I'd tighten it up all the way, then I'd cram the foot part of my *L* up his ass, then I'd fork my first *E* into his left elbow pinning him to the wall, then I'd staple his dick to the floor with my *N*, then I'd thread my *C* into his mouth and out his neck, and then finally fork my last *E* into his right elbow pinning it to the wall. Then I'd just stand there and giggle to myself: "heehee, "Actions Speak Louder Than Words", heh heh heh, who came up with that bullshit?"





If I was TRANSCENDENTALISM, I'd whisper into the wind: "You can't even prove that last joke happened. Maybe it was all in your mind. Maybe your spirit MADE it happen and therefore it's the only thing that EVER happened thaaat reeeally maaaatterrrrssssssss. There's reeeeally nooooo waaaaaayyyyy oooffff knooooooooowwwwiiiiinnnnnng."





If I was a Monarch I'd declare: "I will use all the power of the military of this kingdom to hunt, find and destroy VIOLENCE and TRANSCENDENTALISM wherever they may dwell" and then I'd sit back in my throne and be all "Whoa, trippy, none of that even makes sense. How is it that I can even be a king? King of WHAT? Maybe *I* am Violence." Then I'd beat the crap out of the court jester, have sex with a bunch of hot peasant broads and kill myself.





If I was A Hippie Dudes Pickle While Reading This Blog Post, I'd be all -- boner on the first one, not boner on the second one, huge boner on the third one, confused half boner till the peasant part of the fourth one then gigantic boner thinking about the court jesters hat, and then I'd get to this one and I'd totally french fry my spud reading about myself reading this post. It'd be totally spiritual, almost transcendental really.




Favorite typo from this post:

Burher King.


That's all for now!
Don't get caught asking some random IM chick for three nouns and then writing a whole hippie Burger King post around them because you already wrote the hippie armpit one before you asked her.
Your Favorite Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Lifeline,
Conrad "CockBurger" Bain

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

HA HA HA

hey merkley you dickhead!

You look exactly like The Burger King!!

HAr HAR Haw HEE HARR HAR

see -- i beat all you bitches.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

Yeah right, whetever DID happen to the Birdget Schwartz blog?

 

Blogger Willy Jo is a gaywad.

wat happend to all the perty ladies on thisn heer blob. i used to like to cum heer to rub won out iffin you get my drift. and im sure you do

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

I never saw the Burger King guy before, that's excellent! The funniest part (its so unfunny to point out the funny) is "help I can't see!"

 

Blogger Professor Leotus Clouse &amp; The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

A three-way wrestling match between the Burger King, Long John Silver, and Ronald McDonald is in order. The winner gets to bang Wendy.

 

Blogger ScaryCheri is a gaywad.

"I can't see"...nice touch...heh

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

hey, you do look like the Burger King! I wouldn't have made the connection.

This is quite possibly the scariest post since the child beauty queen thing. Burger King Guy, scares the poo out of me.

 

Anonymous Sarah is a gaywad.

If you had told me those nouns would have to be the subject of your blog post, I might have tried a little harder. But you didn't, so it's your own fault your post sucks.

P.S. I love you.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Anonymous,
it's up your butt.

================


Willy Jo,
the pretty ladies havent been behaving themselves so i shipped them all off to boarding school to learn some manners. they'll be back soon enough and if my calculations are correct, they will be all lesbified and hairy legged just like you like'em.

========================


Holly,
thanks holly. he is even creepier in true life. we are dating.

====================

Professor Leotus Clouse & The Duke of Sweet Cheeks,
my money would be on burger king. i have noting on which to back it up, sometimes you just gotta follow your heart.

====================

ScaryCheri,
did you notice how fat the head of that person without glasses must be? holy shit -- it must be huuuuge.

==================


Wendy,
yeah, burger king. creep city.

=====================

Sarah,
if i would have told you then you would have tried to be WITTY and we all know how terribly that goes --- talk about sucking --- then it would have sseeeeuuuuuuuaaaahhhhhccckkkkeeduuuhh.

everything that sucks is your fault in some fashion. pretend it's a super power and tell me what happens.

ps. of course you do.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

i was once inadvertently in a bk commercial when i was about 4. they were filming it and a friend was in it and our families were there watching it. somebody put me in the shot and gave me a big huge bk burger slathered in mayo that was shooting out the sides. i hated mayo and didn't want to be in it because i didn't want to eat the burger. only recently have i even tried bk because all i can remember is pounds of mayo. gross.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

no matter where or when i have ever eaten at burger king, i always end up pooping it out about an hour after eating it.

that first photo does pretty much look like you. kinda explains the explosive diarrhea i get whenever i read your blog.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

That was a nice dress you had on today. I like you better in a dress. All the boys look at you and go hard in their pants. I don't like that, it makes me angry and the blood flows up in my brain. I am afraid that I will lose you and never find you but thats impossible

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Professor Leotus Clouse & The Duke of Sweet Cheeks,
If anyone's gonna bang Wendy...

I have the strange desire to shave my armpits now...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Francine Ocelot,
that was a good story. did you get paid? how about finding the video of that and posting it on your blog. yes. do it.

====================



poopee shmoopee,
I said it first because i wanted everyone to NOT say it or say --- NO WAY YOU'RE WAY MORE HANDSOME!! i wonder where i could get my hands on his dynamite outfit. i'll bet i could get free burgers.

================

Calzone,
Wait till you see the nightgown i bought, it's crotchless, boobless, footless, neckless, torsoless, backless, sleeveless and totally see through. it's purple.

=======================

Squid Vicious,
shave'em --- then give them to someone special.
that's what i do although i dont tell them, i just sprinkle them into their mouth as they sleep.

 

Blogger HST is a gaywad.

Merkley??? I think I might Love you.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

i wish i could find it to post. but i think since it was in san antonio and they were aiming it toward the hispanic market they probably didn't show me, the redheaded caucasian, and showed the hispanic kids instead.

 

Anonymous Bonar Bain is a gaywad.

I'm Conrad Bain's identical twin brother.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

add some exclamation marks to that last statement. No. Add it to my name.

Bonar! Bonar! Bonar!

You don't believe me? Google it!

 

Anonymous Bonar is a gaywad.

I think I'm the only one who gets your little jokes.

I'm awesome.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

The Colbert Report. Yummmmmmmy.
Joel Stein.
Ball Pene Hammered NAILED it.
Delicious.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

dude, that totally reminded me of the time that we fisted that homeless guy who was standing outside the bus stop. Do you remember that? I was all, "hey merks, let's fist that guy" and you were all, "yeah, and then when we are done, we'll buy him a goat"

fucking good times man.

 

Blogger MPD is a gaywad.

Calzone !!! Merkley is MY lover not yours. Please stay away from him otherwise we will have to have a slap-fight

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

This post made me starving with hungries.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

The Homely Sex Therapist,
oh please oh please oh please...yes!

========================

Francine Ocelot,
mexicans....pssh.

===================


Bonar Bain,
thank you for alerting me to your prescence. i had no idea. you probably are the only one who gets my differnt strokes jokes and indeed you are awesome.

==================


THEMERRYJANETRAIN,
are you talking about the daily show? i never watch it. don't like it. john stewart is obnoxious.

=====================


marriedman, revisted,
good times indeed -- that was before homeless people started putting rabid rats up their holes.

===================



MPD,
remember, what we have is special -- the thing with calzone is totally different. its all about robitussin.

===================


gabrielle,
i'm going to invent some new food product right now.

 

Anonymous Bonar is a gaywad.

Differnt Strokes?

Never heard of it.

So what happened to the "hot chicks"?

I paid my 99 cents.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

really? Hmm Why did I just assume that you appreciated it? Scuze me ever so.
I have just the girl for I think. Her name is Leiloni Drum, she is from Nebraska, half native american, I have mentioned her to you before. Why don't you come for new years and meet her?

 

Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

I PISSED MY P'JAMA'S READING THIS. SOME OF THE FUNNIEST SHIT I'VE EVER COME ACROSS. BE CONSIDERATE AND PLEASE DON'T DON'T DO NOT STOP.
I'LL BE BACK!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks barbara j moore!

 

Post a Comment

December 04, 2005

If I Was The First Violin Player To Ever Be In A Rock Band And Not Come Off Like A Total QueerBag...

If I was That Scene in That P.B.S. Nature Show In Which a Hated JerkFuck Subordinate Monkey Kills The Beloved Head Monkey and All The Other Monkeys Stand Around With Watery Eyes Mourning Their Fallen Leader, Stroking The Fur On His Belly and Hugging Him, I would only be sadder if maybe, in their grief, all the mom monkeys drowned themselves in the stream and the baby monkeys were left to fend for themselves under the reign of the new evil monkeyking who kills the fat grey haired grandpa monkey by gouging out his eyes and blinding him causing him to constantly fall out of banana trees and slowly starve to death.

Or maybe laughing hyenas could just kidnap and eat all the baby monkeys while the mom monkeys stood around screaming, that would be sad too.





If I was The Annual P.B.S. Membership/Fund Drive, instead of showing the best music programing interspersed with begging, I'd just loop all the scenes of super cute, dying, starving baby animals and then I'd say stuff like, "we can't afford to film cute dying baby animals without your generosity so unless you want us to STOP filming cute dying baby animals, I suggest you get out your motherfucking checkbooks" because EVERYBODY loves shows with cute, dying baby animals.





If I was The First Violin Player To Ever Be In A Rock Band And Not Come Off Like A Total QueerBag, as I'd play, I'd stab sports team mascots in their eyeballs and ears and buttholes with the end of my bow and blood and poop and maggots'd spurt out all over the crowd and my face would constantly be on fire, my crotch would shoot lasers and my shoes would be made out of rotting baby seal meat. Also, I would ONLY play "The Devil Went Down To Georgia. ONLY.





If I Was A Baby Monkey And I Was Being Filmed For P.B.S., I would look straight into the camera and mouth the words "please help me" as I let a single monkey tear roll down and off my face onto my murdered mother's lifeless heart.





If I was The Best P.B.S. Special of All Time, I'd be a special in which 100 abandoned dying baby animals sang all the great Motown hits with a full orchestra and a special appearance by the violin player from the last joke who'd of course be playing The Devil Went Down To Georgia over the top of Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye. AWESOME FUCKING MASH-UP!





If I was The Devil, I'd probably never go to Georgia because it would just seem super gay and like I was trying to relive my glory days.





That's all for now!
Don't get caught imagining SEAL being clubbed as a fuzzy white baby seal and then thinking how weird it is that he actually has the scars AND the really weird fact that fuzzy WHITE seals eventually DO turn into shiny BLACK seals. Freeeeaky.
Your M.V.P. (Most Manhandled Princess),
Sam Donaldson

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Professor Leotus Clouse &amp; The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

Are you suggesting that before Seal made his transformation to the shiny, black, scarred up singer we've all come to hate; he at one time resembled Willie Nelson, or perhaps Kenny Loggins?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

professor,
no, he looked more like an albino version of himself only he didnt have legs, just flippers. but i think it was kenny loggins who clubbed him -- he took that danger zone shit a little too far if you ask me.

by the way everybody. sorry these are all so long this time. to quote a dead english dude or maybe it was mark twain, i was in a hurry and i didn't have the time to make them shorter.

 

Blogger MPD is a gaywad.

Oh Merkley. Anyone who uses the word "interspersed" and mentions Marvin Gaye in the same post must be extremely super hot. I love you Merkley, with all of my heart.....Forever

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

MPD
Thanks dude!next time somebody randomly punches me in the balls i'll remember that i am loved by at least one person.---- ummm --- yeah, sometimes i make sense -- sometimes i don't .
big fricken deal.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Hey, I play the violin, but I'm also a total queerbag, so never mind..

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

allison,
are you in a rock band?

anyway, i just re-read these jokes, the only good one is the last one about the devil. hopefully, i'll have some funny ones tomorrow.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

Why do Eskimos smell like crap? I'd think they'd smell alittle fishy. . .

Oh I kill me! I'm just so damn funny!

.

Anyhoo, have you hear the Alanis remake of 'Crazy' by none other than your once white baby seal cub?

Its totally hot and doesn't involve killing things! YAY!

Merkley, can I have you babies!?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

bettie,
that was the seal talking. seals like fish so it wouldnt be an insult. seals hate poop.

i have not heard the re-make.

and sure, you can have everyone of my babies, but you'll have to find them all and wrestle them away from their various mothers. when you do find them, let them know i have been looking for them.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

I know where to look for your Merkle Spawn.
Hints: Where ever there is a large concentration of Mormons infiltrate their midst and look for the most smart-assed, mouthiest red-headed, freckle-faced, green-eyed little minx that you can find. Also, the hair pick in the back pocket is a dead give away, as is a tendency to sport a self-styled uniform comprised of whatever materials is available to the Spawn of Merkley. Such as, payless shoes, or bowling alley back room chic, or very possibly a whole new concept design for disposable underwear.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

sad, but heartwarmingly cute. A+++++ on this post, merkly.


word verification: dnlveop


difficulty level: high.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

this would have been a good post to rehash the eskimos skinning, killing and eating the manic depressive too. but you'd have to do it in a really precious way, like the furry seal awww

wv: dycexkv (medium)

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

merry,
dude, you cant just describe ME, my spawn are probably hippies or hip hoppies.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gabby,
thanks. i was obviously watching pbs when i wrote it.

did i have eskimos skinning that polar bear? man, i'm a dick.

 

Anonymous JANICEGLASSJR is a gaywad.

FARTS!!!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

janice,
TOTALLY!

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

Dahling, it is a well known fact that females inherit skin, hair, and intellect from their fathers side.
Unless of course, there is always the possibility of a recessive gene overpowering the dominant. I am pulling for the former of course. There is a dire need for a Merkley; David dirty bomb across this whole wide world.
Why do you suppose I made you the godfather of my offspring?
pooodles

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

the "i was clubbed on PBS" seal is my new desktop

 

Anonymous Glockenspiel is a gaywad.

Wouldn't it be well funny if Fish, Seal and Shirley Bass-ey were all in the same band. And wouldn't it be well funny if Elton John Dory was that fat poof's real name. And wouldn't it be spunkalicious if The Animals were called The Fish and their best song was called The House of the Rising Salt Cod Jumbalaya.

No.

 

Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

All I have to say is, I don’t appreciate you using pictures of my dad without his consent. As I type this I am also phoning my fassshhha & my hot supermodel step mom that I hope to “accidentally” walk in on naked while she’s taking a shower. You should be getting served by 12:30 pm on Wednesday and when I say served I don’t mean the “Served” like that gay movie were a bunch of homo’s have street dance competition or that one gay movie we had to watch in 7th grade were those Spanish people were having gay fights I think the gangs were the Sharks and the Jets, but the serve in were some federal agent hands you legal papers.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

THEMERRYJANETRAIN,
"Why do you suppose I made you the godfather of my offspring?"

I don't know, maybe as a cry for help?

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poopee shmoopee,
"i was clubbed on PBS" seal is my new desktop"

Now nobody can say that just a little activism won't make a difference.

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Glockenspiel,
it might just be funnier to see madonna cram a cod in her tuna. or no. i'd just like to see her walk straight into a glass door. that ALWAYS makes me laugh.

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Virgle Kent,
ha ha -- you DO actually resmble SEAL a tad. either him or that tyrese fella -- is that his name? the model dude? anyway, i'll be waiting for the constible ----- with like twelve cans of silly string.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

I so want to bang Alison's gay violin playing ass.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

clazone,
get in line. no seriously, get in line, we're gonna do a daisy chain n'shit.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

That chicks ass is so fucking queer its unbelievable. I call last.

 

Anonymous just wondering is a gaywad.

Poor little seals. Still, I like penguins better.

Is there some way I can see your paintings better? They're so small in the pop up window under "see" at the 3 question marks page.

Just wondering.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Just wandering,
yes, actually i dont know if you noticed but as well as being able to slide all the painitngs back and forth by clicking and dragging your mouse, you can also click the little pointy thing at the top of each one to get a big version in a new window.

nobody ever fegros it out so don't worry that you didn't notice.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

A cry for help for whom? Listen freak, I have finally grown tired of your particular brand of sass. Bite me. On second thought, bite you.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

oh merry,
chill. if you read the joke slowly you'll see that I am the butt of it not you.

 

Anonymous just wOndering is a gaywad.

well, thanks for helping me fegroe it out.

i think the posters would be spectacular if my monitor were man enough to show the big picture. I could only see half.

i right clicked and saved to look at them later. hope you don't mind.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

Suckatash father fucker. HA.
I learned it from the best.
It is an insult to insult the Godfather. Never do it again.

 

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