o I bumped into Stanley "Tookie" Williams, the Aaron Neville impersonator and inventor/founder of the CRIPS in his cell on death row. He certainly was muscley and gigantic and Aaron Nevilley (only without the mole) but he was TOTALLY peeing his pants -- like MAJORLY.
"What's up Tookie? I ask as I flash him some weird hand stuff that makes it look like I am a gang, only do it really super super fast so he can't tell I'm just making it up and I make sure to add in the sign language thing for the letter *J* because it's the only one I ever really remember and it makes me look legit, "What's with all the pee?"
"It's not pee, it's lemonade", Tookie responds "I write kids books. I help kids. I am good. Nobel peace prize. I was nominated. It's lemonade. Taste it.
"Uuummmm well, no thanks, it's coming out of your weiner and ummm BTW, I don't think you should keep your weiner tucked between your legs like that. It doesn't look very tough."
"Duh. That's the point JIVE TURKEY" and then he does that thing Prince always did with the peace sign where he slides it across his eyes like he's tricky or sexy or something,
There's a knock at the door and in walks the one and only Snoop Doggy Dog, he is carrying a big bunny costume.
"Here Tookie nizzle -- put this on. It'll make you cuter izzle izzle fizzle fazzle fiddle faddle bedazzler."
"HA HA -- I LOVE Fiddle Faddle!" I say "and BeDazzlers!"
Tookie puts on the bunny suit and immediately fills it with pee.
"Good thinking Snoop!" I quip .. "this whole campaign to make Tookie into the cutest thing alive is totally awesome, not to mention COMPLETELY ADORABLE!"
"Tookienizzle nazzle -- you gotta stop pissizzling your pizzants. Pizzeople don't like pizzee. Pizzee ain't supposta bizzee pizzart of the prizzogrizzam!"
"Its not pee." I whisper in Snoops ear, "it's lizzemonizzade wizzink wizzink."
Anyway Tookie, I know you are super busy with last minute pants pissing and what not but I just wanted to say that I hate chinks too so I'm TOTALLY glad you slaughtered the fuck out of those -- what did you call them? Buddaheads? Yeah -- that was awesome -- dude --you know -- how you blew them away at point blank with a SHOTGUN
-- Arnold SchwarzeNegro should be fucking giving you a fucking AWARD for that shit. I mean that old gook was like 75 and his wife? Psshhh WHORE! And that daugher? That's what she gets for bein' a chink right?
OOOHHH and dude, and that freckled white dude you shot in the back at the 7-11 for like 60 bucks? --- what a total NERD!!
High five bro!
"Shhhhhhhh. Don't talk about the white one. Besides, I never admitted to either of those crimes". Tookie says as he ties a big pink bow on his head and fluffs his bunny tail. "Does this make my butt look cute?" Tookie asks Snoop -- "not in a gay way -- you know -- like a bunny's butt?"
"Fo shizzle my bizunny nizzle."
"And seriously," I continue, "that CRIPS gang you put together -- talk about a lifetime motherfucking achievement award --- the governor is TOTALLY gonna grant you clemency for that shit -- he HATES the coloreds and that's like the most ingenious anti-colored invention of all time. Did you plan that? You're like the Richard Simmons of black on black genocide or something. It's pure fucking genius. How did you come up with that? Like how many negroes have killed other negroes with all that gang stuff?"
"Thousands and thousands and billions" Tookie beams as he paints little cute freckles on his bunny cheeks. (still peeing buckets by the way.)
"Don't you worry Tookie, there ain't no way a good aryan like Arnold Schwarzenegro is gonna be putting you to death cuz you gotta keep them cute little negroes looking up to you as a hero so your anti-negro CRIPS invention can work and finally wipe the black race off the earth for good. What Nazi could possibly hate THAT!? I mean what better way to confuse a bunch of negroes than by getting a ruthless murderer who invented the leading cause of black death to write the books that will obviously inspire the young negroes to follow in his exact same footsteps but with the main trick being reverse psychology in that you tell them that gangs and your invention is "WHACK" and is only for "JIVE TURKEYS" and "DON'T DO IT". Honestly Tookie, I didn't even know that negroes KNEW about reverse psychology but you sure proved ME wrong. You writing books about the evils of gang life is like Charles Manson writing a book on how not to look creepy. It's AWESOME!!
"Thanks" says Tookie -- "How do you like this?" Tookie does his best Bo Jangles impersonation and I have to admit it is fucking adorable, it's like Aaron Neville without the mole and a whole lot more spunk only dressed as a bunny with his weenie tucked between his legs peeing five billion gallons.
"You are so TOTALLY gonna get clemency" I say.
Just then, in walks Oscar™ Award winner Jamie Foxx. He is still acting blind so he is bumping into shit and then he starts singing as Ray Charles:
"Happy biiiirrrrthday tooo oooo ooo ooooh oooh meeeeeeee e e eeee eee eee ,
happy buuuuuuuurrrth day to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,
happy birth day dear Raaaaaaaayyyyy Chaaaaaaaarles,
happy birthday toooooo meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....."
and the eeeeeee part goes on for like three hours and ten minutes and not once does Tookie stop peeing his pants.
"Does he know he's not actually Ray Charles?" I ask Snoop.
"Anyway, I seriously gotta hand it to all of you guys, you couldn't have planned this more perfectly," I tell them "you got Snoop Dogg, one of the most famous CRIPS, you got Jamie Foxx as the beloved Ray Charles who is really the only black person besides Jimmy J.J. Walker that white people ever really liked, you got the NAACP, you got JESSIE MOTHERFUKKKIN' JACKKKSON, ... you guys have turned this whole situation into a win win for Whitey. What am I saying? This is win win win win win -- like ten or thirteen wins for whitey; Arnold says "DIE" and the book sales go through the roof, you're a martyr, blacks rebel and gangs get even bigger meaning more black on black murder and even though it's just a drop in the bucket your execution does equal one more dead black dude and if Arnold says LIVE, book sales go through the roof, you keep leading the black genocide with reverse psychology in your new bunny get-up. I mean, no matter what happens here Whitey wins. So on behalf of white people everywhere let me be the first to say THANK YOU TOOKIE!!
Just then I notice that I am, in fact, completely dead and have been for a few minutes because I apparently drowned in Tookie's billions of gallons of pee that flooded the earth. Everything I typed since I typed the spooky "KKK" in Jessie Jackson's name has been my actual ghost doing the typing. In fact, wanna know what? I just noticed that EVERYONE is dead EXCEPT TOOKIE!! What a weird twist. Snoop, Jamie Foxx as Ray Charles, Jessie Jackson, Charles Manson (who looks remarkably UNCREEPY -- dead --- hmmmmph), and even Arnold Schwarzenegro, EVERYBODY is dead, all drowneded in Tookie's PEE
Even you dear reader. You are dead too.
Today, we ALL drowned in Tookie's fear pee. It was a very special pee, that, like Noah's great flood, returned to cleanse the earth, only this time, there was no ark. So whatever you THINK you watched on TV or whatever you DREAMED that you read about this case after it is all decided, just remember it's all in your dead rotting head or spirit or ghost or whateverthefuck because you are in fact DEAD, we ALL are. Who knew?
At least we now know that there is DEFINITELY life after death and it's exactly like life BEFORE death except it smells a little bit more like Tookie's pee.
I'm not kidding. You're dead. Don't believe me? Punch yourself really hard in the face and see if you feel anything you fucking pee guzzling ghostfucks. Tookie giveth and Tookie pisseth away.
That's all for now!
Don't get caught fiddling with your ghost hoodeehoo and thinking "wow, this feels just like my regular hoodeedoo -- THANKS TOOKIE!"
Your Multi-National, Multi-Lingual, Multi-Sclerosis, Multi-Platform Lover of All Things ELLEN!,