"Oh My God, Stephanie Had a Retarded Baby and Her Husband Turned Gay and She Doesn't Change Her Retard's Diapers.. Sooo Sad"

If I hear one more person complain about cell phones and loud cell phone conversations I'm going to make a razor blade smoothie and give myself an enema.

I LIKE TO OVERHEAR CONVERSATIONS! Never before has eavesdropping been so available everywhere. EAVESDROPPING RULES! You people that don't like cellphone conversation are the same types that complain when the neighbors are stabbing each other. Neighbors stabbing each other RULES! Would you be bummed if Quentin Tarantino was next door sawing off some gay kid's dick with an electric toothbrush and you could hear every word and vibrating whatever? NO. Why? Because that would RULE!

You cell phone conversation haters suffer from one or more of the following disorders:

1. You're not creative.

2. You hate that people have friends.

3. You want all the attention for yourself and it makes you mad that people aren't trying to listen to YOUR conversation because the hot chick on the cell phone crying to her abusive boyfriend is stealing "YOUR" spotlight.

a. You fail to imagine her getting a beating when she gets home.

b. You fail to imagine that her boyfriend is a midget or Kobe Bryant.

c. You fail to imagine that she is just talking to a dial tone because she is sick to death of your STUPID CONVERSATION WITH YOUR SISTER'S BOYFRIEND'S CO-WORKER ABOUT THE SALAD DRESSING.--- USE YOUR IMAGINATIONS PEOPLE.

Not me, I don't get mad at all. I WANT half of the details. If I could have my way I'd have everyone use speaker phone so I could hear the whole thing. I like that people can enjoy a good fight over a plate of spaghetti with someone who isn't even there. I like it even more that I can sit in the next booth and silently judge them as I make up the other side of the conversation. I like sitting there thinking, "oh you should totally tell her this or that awesome zinger of a remark"

Like I said, what you're mad about is that a one sided conversation is more interesting than the meathead you brought to lunch which is why you can't seem to ignore it. More likely is that you went to lunch alone and nobody is trying to call you at all and their conversation is a painful reminder of that fact but all this is just because your attitude sucks. You have yet to realize that the faggot screaming into his phone about his festering anus is your perfect opportunity to ignore the fuck out of your dumb date or your dumb boring life.

If you don't like overhearing people, build yourself a 12x12 cabin in the woods in Wyoming and send old people package bombs or something.

As for me, I will continue to rush to the window and peek out the blinds everytime I hear people chatting or shuffling their feet outside. I like being a nosy old woman.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught imagining that at the other end of every single cell phone conversation is a naked and oily Osama Bin Laden.
Your Master of Dare-emonies,
Horton (dude who heard the who)