merkley???: I May Not Be God, But at Least I'm Real.: PUT THE PHONE DOWN MERKLEY!!! DO NOT START RESENTFUL TEXTING MERKLEY!!! IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT MERKLEY!!! LEAVE YOUR POOR FRIENDS ALONE MERKLEY!!!

February 21, 2006

PUT THE PHONE DOWN MERKLEY!!! DO NOT START RESENTFUL TEXTING MERKLEY!!! IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT MERKLEY!!! LEAVE YOUR POOR FRIENDS ALONE MERKLEY!!!

This happens all the time:

Merkley goes out to a party or bar where he knows he will see all the lovely people he knows from any given scene. Occasionally he will go WITH someone or a group of someones but usually he likes to arrive solo so that he can leave whenever the fuck he wants. He'll have a few drinks and things will be awesome and he will be funny and charming and full of love and people will laugh and he will take pictures and everything will be hunky dory because people will be paying lots of special attention to him and he fucking lives for attention just like most of you motherfuckers. Many times the night ends when he feels like he's had enough or when a few people go back to his house and things wind down and everyone feels like something terrific happened and Merkley falls asleep with a smile on his face and everything is ALRIGHT.

This happens SOME of the time:

Everything happens the same as above but Merkley drinks a little too much and then he notices someone that he thinks should be paying attention to him but instead they are paying too much attention to someone else or some substance like cocaine, this person is not always a woman and accordingly not necessarily someone with whom Merkley wants any intimate contact. It's just someone who has not for the last 5 minutes acknowledged Merkley's awesomeness like they fucking should.

At this time Merkley will become obsessed with this grievous transgression of this callous ignorer of the 10 Billionth degree but he won't show it because that's not cool. He will usually retreat back into a darkened corner completely out of view or hide behind a pole, leaning, brooding and ignoring the rest of the people who are still trying to pay lots of loving attention to him. He will watch as this terrible, awful, insensitive devil person continues on having fun paying no attention to the fact that Merkley has dramatically retreated into a darkened corner completely out of view. -- Merkley becomes very annoyed by this and his drunken Merkley brain inside takes over and starts building an airtight case against this jerk of a person. Merkley will usually leave without saying goodbye -- he'll hail a cab and run off to get pizza and head for home completely abandoning his other friends and colleagues.

This is where it gets bad way too many times to be considered great.

As Merkley drunkenly brews about the terrible transgressions of this person or persons who stopped giving him the attention he deserves, he begins to notice that none of his other friends are with him and therefore they have all abandoned him TOO. The fact that he was the one who left is certainly of no concern to drunken Merkley. To drunken Merkley, the facts are, that whoever is not with him WHEN HE WANTS THEM TO BE has abandoned him. That's NOT COOL.

So what does Merkley do about that?

Oh shit. Don't do it Merkley. PUT THE PHONE DOWN MERKLEY!!! DO NOT START RESENTFUL TEXTING MERKLEY!!! IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT MERKLEY!!! IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD MERKLEY!! YOU ARE DRUNK MERKLEY!!! LEAVE YOUR POOR FRIENDS ALONE MERKLEY!!!

Shit. He did it. He sent a bunch of otherwise good and nice people resentful texts preaching to them about the shallowness of the coke scene and the fact that whoever they were talking to probably has one billion STDs because obviously everyone has their priorities out of whack except for drunken Merkley whose drunken definition of *hypocrisy* does not include preaching about substance abuse while wasted nor does his drunken definition of abandonment include him storming out of a lovely evening leaving his friends behind --- no, when Merkley leaves a party it's because the party abandoned HIM!

Merkley needs breathalyzer equipment hooked up to his phone so that it won't work when he is drunk.

Merkley is tired of sending morning after apology texts. Merkley's friends are tired of getting them.

Sometimes Merkley feels sorry for people who know him -- that is until he remembers how completely and utterly awesome he is then he just thinks they are lucky they get text messages from him at all because he is precisely that GREAT!

Maybe Merkley just needs new friends. Probably not though.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught thumping your penis on the table to get everyone's undivided attention.
Your Mom's Best Friend's Ex-Girlfriend's Brother's Favorite Blogger,
Santa Claus

FUCK FRANCINE!!:

Bryan is a gaywad.

I love you Merkley, and I'll follow your ass to the grave. Great post.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:32 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks dude. but if you're a grave digger, i'd prefer to walk two paces behind you --- not that you'd push me in or anything -- but -- well -- you understand.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:12 AM

Melissa is a gaywad.

stop hanging around coke so much.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:57 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

melissa,
in SF that means stay home. seriously, the whole town is on the stuff. it's a bum out. even the yuppies are coked out.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:05 PM

poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i thought about doing coke plenty of times but then i noticed that all the people i hung out with that were on coke were such assholes when they were on it. so i never ended up trying it. that and the fact that i'm a super square. except for all the chronic weed smoking.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:53 PM

gabrielle is a gaywad.

merkley, my friend brooke already made that drunk dialer preventor.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:53 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

poops,
i'm squarer -- i didn't take my first sip of alcohol until I was 33 years old. I guess I'll start coke when I'm in my sixties

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:16 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
where is it -- how does it work -- where can i get one?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:16 PM

fish hat!!! is a gaywad.

Coke parties really complicate the bathroom lines. I'm no innocent, I'm just saying...

I wouldn't move to coke when I was sixty though. Seems like it would aggravate the numerous health problems I am planning on having.

The Athens people seem to go through phases where suddenly it isn't just the club owner doing it in the back, but everyone is, and then someone moves to New York to finish themselves off and everything goes back to normal. Well, and sometimes somebody dies- usually related to moving on to the "great and grand belushi death mixtures." Then there are like a bunch of retarded benefits and shows and then everyone forgets and sooner or later someone shows up, decides thay are a rock star in training and it comes back. Meanwhile, the fraternities seem to make sure it always sticks around as an option

I guess the point is- while you may have suffered a moment of, er, re-embarras-gret-ment, at least you won't have to look back and remember your "coke period..." cause I know for a fact that part sucks- Its like you can't get back to judging people for doing it for like five years, or at least not until you kill anyone who ever saw you do a line.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:13 AM

Wendy is a gaywad.

coke is the bestest friend, bestest lover, bestest dog, bestest mother, bestest father and bestest everything. When you do that shit all else disappears, nothing and no one else matters. It is horrible and ruins lives and friendships. I am sorry your friends are coke addicts.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:13 AM

Chrystal is a gaywad.

I've been reading your rants for the past 3 months and I just want to say I think you're a fucking genius!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:28 AM

The Ghost of Professor Leotus Clouse and The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

If you wait until your sixties, coke will probably be safe by then; it'll be over the counter. However, I'm not sure how it will interact with the viagra you're taking...

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:41 AM

melina is a gaywad.

Merkley? (???) This is one of your best posts evs because I think so many of us can relate to it.

I had an awful random text messaging fit a year ago after our lovely bartendress double-poured 151 & Coke (as in Coca-Cola) for me.

I was wondering why one of my bestest guy pals wasn't talking to me for a few days, and then he brought up the drunken TM I sent him. Um, I, uh, didn't remember that I group texted. Ouch.

The other kind of coke is bad and consider yourself fortunate you aren't ruining your sinus cavity from it's ab(use).

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:38 PM

samir is a gaywad.

the key is to be the dude holding the stash... then everyone's your friend!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 12:50 PM

Anonymous is a gaywad.

I still love you.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 1:39 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

fish hat!!!,
quit talking shit on michael stipe and that gay dude from B52's Michael stipe smells like hot onion garbage and that gay dude forgets his juke box money ALL THE TIME!!

good story though. good advice too.
===============

Wendy,
sounds like you speak from experience.
================

Chrystal,
thank you ma'am.
================

The Ghost of Professor Leotus Clouse and The Duke of Sweet Cheeks,
by the time that all happens, they'll have dick transplants -- shit, i'll probably be able to grow a new dick in a bowl.
===============

melina,
i fegroed i wasn't the only one.
================

samir,
boy have i ever seen that. i dont think i want that kind of friend -- nobody gets shit talked on more than the local dealer.
================

Anonymous,
good.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:06 PM

gaby is a gaywad.

shes in production of it now, you'll have to talk to her. it limits phone usage-i think shes still trying to design it so its not some fucked up giant attachment headset thing. causethats what it is right now and its like...who is going to put some giant headset thing on whilst drunk so they dont communicate with others.

i have largely replaced drunken texting with drunken internet though. easier to type.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:15 AM

Scar Tissue is a gaywad.

As for all the people who think that you're a genius, I say "Pffft!".

Cut off your ear, write a blog entry describing the pain, paint a painting of your bloody ear, take a photo of it, post it here...then I'll think that you're a genius. I'll wear a sandwichboard declaring your genius. Pain, dude, we want PAIN...

I want some coke!

Weed sounds good, too!

Exclamation marks are so faggy!

Do they even call it "weed" anymore? We called it "grass" when I was young. When GW talked about mowing "grass" to make ethanol, I snorted iced tea out of my nose.

Geez, it's been soooo long since I...

"Under The Bridge" would sound so good if one were high...

Btw, did you see what Tony Pierce said about you on 2-15-06?

He didn't spell your name right..."Merkly"...I guess he was afraid of a Technorati search.

Gossip, gossip, gossip.

I said I wasn't going to do this...

My comments enter at ???, but travel through a worm hole and end up elsewhere on the internet, don't they?

~~~~~

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:56 PM

fish hat!!! is a gaywad.

I COMPLETELY agree... but I might add a sort of "fishiness" to the stipe fragrance...

It probably comes from some special icelandic shampoo made from synthetic lutefish extract that dates back to beowulf but now has a custom developed IKEA container that doubles as an enema dispenser...

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:14 PM

Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

Merks, I don’t even know what to say. Damn I feel like I arrived at this party late and every ones passed out already. Who doesn’t get drunk and do stupid shit. Lord knows I’m the king of it. I do know this though, your real friends will understand that you were just drunk and didn’t mean half the shit you texted. So it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Now if your real friends try and have an intervention for you, then you might have a problem. If they ask you to chose between them and the drinking, don’t do what I did, be smart and choose them.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:08 AM

Dashiell is a gaywad.

I don't know what "text messaging" is but I do that other stuff too. Don't people realize that when I've left a party, drunk and without telling anyone, that means I want them all to come find me and tell me how much they love me? What a bunch of assholes.

P.S. Coke is the best, but I prefer cans to the 20-oz bottles. I know there's more in them, but it doesn't taste as good, am I right?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:14 AM

francine o. is a gaywad.

that is why you need to dump the cell phone and find some other more creative ways to express your disappointment and revulsion to your friends. since i'm yet to buy a cell, i can't relate to texting or really drunk dialing for that matter, unless i'm in my house next to a land line and pissed.

next time it happens, just disappear like you usually do and as you're about to leave, scream out "THAT'S OKAY, I DIDN'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH A BUNCH OF COCK SMOKING SYPHILLITICS ANY OLD WAY!" and then slam the door for effect. And then open it back up and slam it again about 3 more times. And then kick it. And then leave.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:06 PM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

gaby,
yeah, headset no good. i think it should have more features than just block out. i find that i am really easy to turn around. i can be dark as coal, but , even when plastered, if someone shows even the slightest bit of humor and genuine concern for my faggy feelings, i turn into the huggiest most thankful human on earth.

what i need is some kind of mood indicator that blinks a big bright light that indicates "PAY ATTENTION TO ME, TREAT ME LIKE I AM A SPECIAL HUMAN, the second i start going drunk. since i am actually awesome and people consider me such, that small indication and or warning would certainly be sufficient. for example, i know this great woman who has the same drunk dark complex as i have, tonight she kept tapping me because she thought i was ignoring her. i told her:

"if at ANY TIME you feel i am not paying attention to you or that people are abusing your very awesome prescence YOU MUST tap me on the shoulder because I WOULD NEVER IGNORE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE AWESOME.

i didn't just say it because i want the same treatment, she IS awesome and i really feel like friends should know how each other works.

nothing worse than feeling ignored if you don't deserve it.

and let's face it. sometimes, we fucking deserve it. in those situations, we should move the fuck along and leave those poor motherfuckers we abused alone. it's the only thing a good humman can do.

======================

Scar Tissue .
your comment was weird and awesome. thanks for alerting me to TP's comment. He is just angry because I think he sucks. I was wrong probably to call him out on his overall douchebaggy boringness, but hell, i can forgive and understand why raymi likes him, he should be able to be a man and see why raymi and i are such good pals.

seriously, we don't need to like ALL of our friends friends.

I should have held my toungue but holy SHIT that guy is a DOUCHE.
=====================

fish hat!!! . everyone in atlanta knows about stipe's stink. i have run into him five billion times as well, together we have NAILED his fragrance. i actually like fred schneider. i run into him now and then too. he DOESN'T STINK.

Virgle Kent.
you are cool. I don't think it's a REAL problem yet, but i will certainly heed your advice. my priorities still seem really in tact.

i do thank you for your concern. -- it's not gay.
==================

Dashiell,
HOLY SHIT YOU NAILED IT. COME FIND ME ASSHOLES!!
=================

Francine Ocelot.
i love you. you know the best way to handle everything. i will always do as you say. be careful because i will blame it on you as well.
=======

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 3:19 AM

scar tissue is a gaywad.

He's just jealous.

I like Tony. He's no douche. He posts way more often than you do.

So, when are you going to write a book and sell it on Cafe Press, like Tony did? Instead of wasting your time on 10,000 blogs, write a goofy book.

I'd buy it.

I buy stupid stuff on the internet all the time.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:05 AM