Tutorial: How To Yank A Drunken Beligerant Merkley Out of The Darkness and Back Into The Light
In response to the last post I made about my sometimes inexcuseable beligerant drunken behavior, I have decided to write this very simple tutorial about what to do if you find yourself in the highly esteemed position otherwise known as one of my innocent victims.
Turns out, it's not very hard to pull me out of the darkness and back into the light.
Whether it be in person or beligerant electronic communication, it goes something like this, you do the "innocent victim friend" part:
merkley??? says:
YOU'RE FAKE! YOU NEVER LIKED ME. YOU HAVE NO HUMAN EMOTION. EVEYONE IS A DECEPTIVE COKE ROBOT BUT ME!!! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO LOVE!! BLLLLLAAAAAOOOORRRRRGH RRRAAAAWWWWWRRRR! grummm grrumm grum.
innocent victim friend says:
Oh Merkley, you are right, you really are awesome and nobody knows how to love like you. We could all stand to learn a thing or two from you. You are just drunk but still VERY HANDSOME. YOU RULE! (try to mean it)
merkley??? says:
NO *** YOU *** RULE!! YOU UNDERSTAND ME!!! BLAAARGH. THE WORLD HAS SOOO MUCH BEAUTY!! YOU ARE THE BEST BEST BEST BEST, INNOCENT VICTIM FRIEND!! Did I ever tell you how cool I think you are? Man I'm such a DICK.
innocent victim friend says:
No you are NOT a Dick. You just have so much love to give that sometimes you don't know where to channel it and it turns into something that looks like insecure rage.
merkley??? says:
You are the smartest person I ever met.
end scene
That's pretty much it.
While the above may seem way too simple to work, you'd be surprised at how quickly the cornball grimmace comes back on my face. Point is, it's really less of a big deal than some might think. It really only takes two or three seconds to make me feel loved and appreciated because I actually do believe in my own awesomeness and so when people point it out, I tend to believe that they believe it too because I mean -- who wouldn't? I mean COME ON.
Basically, when I am drunk, I may as well be a super beloved but slightly needy five year old retard. Treat me like that and I will be the happiest slightly needy 5 year old retard who ever slobbered on your shoulder. It will be well worth your time I guarantee it.
That's all for now,
Don't get caught waking up and thinking: "Ho Shit, to whom do I apologize first?"
Your Favorite Cast Member of The Hit Brodway Musical "CATS",
Bob Hope
