merkley???: I May Not Be God, But at Least I'm Real.: If I Was a Badass Finger Pulling Mormon Duck Nurse's Abused Sister From Squaresville U.S.A.

March 31, 2006

If I Was a Badass Finger Pulling Mormon Duck Nurse's Abused Sister From Squaresville U.S.A.

If I was a Slightly Unattractive Duck and some smartass step-dad farted and said "Hey did you guys hear that duck?" I don't know, I'd probably be really bummed having my language compared to the stinky air coming out of some dickhead's anus, but what would be really shitty is if the smartass dad's fart actually said something in duck language that I could actually understand, especially if it was something like "You're UGLY".

JennyBananasChrist

If I was a Smartass Step-Dad Who Liked to Tell His Kids To Pull His Finger, every once in a while I'd give the kid who pulled it 10 bucks thus insuring that my joke would always work and also because it would be cool to see the kids face when he/she didn't get the 10 bucks but only a fart. Ha ha -- dumb kid.

JennySofaShoe

If I was a So Called "Dumb" Kid Who Just Pulled a Fart Finger and Didn't Get 10 Bucks From My Dad When He Just Barely Gave 10 Bucks To My Sister For The Same Thing, I'd act like I didn't give a crap because I would just threaten or pound my dumb sister out of her 10 bucks and fart in her face with no finger pullin' or nothin'. Soon I'd be the only finger puller for miles and then I could be all raising the finger pulling fee through the roof. Who's dumb now bitch?

JennyOnHerBack

If I was Some Badass's Poor Little Sister Who Was Constantly Beaten, Robbed and Forced To Smell His Close Range Farts, I'd probably grow up to be an apparently well adjusted John Kerry Mormon nurse with three beautiful kids and a doctor husband and we'd live in Colorado somewhere but I'd probably never talk about my childhood. Don't believe me? Ask my sister, she probably won't talk about it though.

JennyBedSpread

If I was Colorado or Wyoming Being Mocked By The Other States For Being "SQUARE", I'd try to shift the focus off me and I'd be all "Oh yeah? Well you can't even buy alcohol at the store in Mormonland Utah and we sell fireworks and our beer has more alcohol in it so who's really "SQUARE"? But what would suck is if Florida came back with: "Dude, we're making fun of your SHAPE, this isn't high school, we don't care if you drink or have hookers, you're just boring looking -- you're ugly -- that's all." Yeah, that would be lame, but then again I could always pull out the limp dick jokes, I mean Florida really shouldn't be making fun of shapes.

The End

JennyOnHerBack2

That's all for now.
Don't get caught telling your awesome younger brother Dan's story of his awesomely relentless beating of your sister Erin and trying to pass it off like you were some kind of badass when you were really just a clown making gaywad jokes all the time.
Your Favorite First Grade Teacher,
Nuttsack Ballface

PS...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAYMI!!!

FUCK FRANCINE!!:

chwecko is a gaywad.

Merkley???

Are you calling me out?

First of all, I never deliver farts close range. I use the Fart Fone (patent pending).
Second, I never stole nuthin from her. Those Ravell Model Cars were gifts Id given her that she never wanted to put together anyway. And I'll be damned if they go to waste.
Third, the beatings weren't constant. They were whenever she deserved them (e.g. not changing the channel when I asked, not fetching me more of her halloween candy, etc.)
Finally, they werent beatings. She kept running into my feet and fists.

I hope this clears things up.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 5:57 AM

Melissa is a gaywad.

dissapointing.
I thought you were the fart forcer.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:46 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

ha ha,
I was just making sure you were still reading.

melissa, meet chwecko -- the real fart forcer.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:25 AM

Wendy is a gaywad.

WHOA! Real nudity and stuff, I have no idea what you were saying, I was too busy thinking that chicks boobs look like mine! I have found my boob double!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:35 AM

Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

yeah I didn't even read one fucking word you wrote, I just wanted to say that everyone can truly thank me for the picks, It was my idea and I do accept payment in bj's

holla

Thanks for saving my like Merk

Your cock double

Virgle Kent

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 10:53 AM

Lake Allison is a gaywad.

I bet I'm the only one who really read this post..

It's a good tactic.. distract from the family secrets with nudey pictures.. heh heh

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:45 PM

Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

There were words?

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:25 PM

Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Let's see if the comment moderator monster will eat this post, too...

Being the youngest, I never had a choice when it came to farts. Now as the uncle, I dish them out to the neices and nephews...
Revenge is a dish best served hot - after cabbage...

(I never saw any boobs. I did see a "kitty" shot on the couch, though. Does that count???

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 4:55 PM

Aja is a gaywad.

I only I understood or paid attention to two things, maybe three:

boobs
shoes
farts

Yup, sums up my life!!!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:11 AM

Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

My righteous sister and her husband are in town...they've avoided cable tv for fifteen years but recently bought a satellite dish so they can watch general conference at home, ack! Their kids were all screaming in the background about the evils of rated R movies, oooh, RATED R movies. I smoked two cigarettes at one time when I got home to balance out all the righteous talk.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 9:51 AM

gaby is a gaywad.

nice pussy in jennysofashoe but my favorite is jennybedspread

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 11:26 AM

Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

Always charming, always the one who gets the naked girls. You are not stupid, that's for damn sure. No, in fact, I think you're a f*n genius merkley??? how do you do it? So impressive, yes you are!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 8:35 PM

poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

those boobs sure are purty.

i miss yer audio posts.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 7:58 PM

Arkanin is a gaywad.

Merkley,

Sorry for sending you a whole novel. This post isn't actually so much about this blog, but rather your collection of blogs.

I made a google search for the phrase "explosive ballsack" and stumbled onto your website. Before you say, "What the fuck, this guy googled the phrase 'explosive ballsack'," I was (going) to lounge on the internet and read stupid shit for five minutes because I just got back from playing poker. I just figured that if you wanted to find stupid shit on the internet, googling "Explosive Ballsack" was a good way to go about doing so. I guess this would be a Merkley-humor copying attempt, but I'm actually telling the truth.

At any rate, I found this instead of typical stupid stuff, so I read some of your blogs. I can't say I agree with you about everything, but you are indeed a genius. I'm not, but I'm rational, and I don't understand the herd behaviors most people follow -- in fact, I can safely say I only know one or two other people who are truly liberated from that of hundreds -- and it seems like the other people that don't, but still vary from the norm (e.g., an environmentalist such as myself, but one far too radical and for utterly wrong reasons -- which is most environmentalists, sadly), are still just reacting to everyone, even by opposing the majority.

With respect to your thoughts on politics and libertarianism in some of your other blog entries, when I question even the most open-minded people, they simply don't seem to have ever thought about this sort of thing or understand me when I ask them how they justify X, Y, or Z; and even the minority of rational people who can answer those questions do not do so in a spirit of communication. And you know, regardless of political party or background, people these days don't particularly seem to crave rationality and introspection. That's too much effort.

I'm just a college kid, and if you ran into me on the street, you'd probably figure I was some idiot whose biggest concerns were fart jokes and beer pong; I don't have art or funny stories to show people, but I still think you should know some people listen to what I would call radical but non-reactive ideas, regardless of political affiliation. You know, your blogs on humanity and politics seem vastly more conservative than anything I'd ever agree with, but who gives two shits if you actually think for yourself; consequently, I want to read what you have to say.

What blows is that I actually write, paint, compose music and all that too. For some reason, I do pretty much everything, in fact (right now designing a java-based cellular automaton). Seeing your website reminds me that I could literally forget all of the stuff I actually care about and get a job as an MIS guy who writes the scripts for an insurance company, or I could actually persue those sorts of things and maybe be a real artist like people like you one day. At the end of the day, I think your website has reminded me not to lose sight of myself as I work on finishing college and eventually get a job.

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:00 AM

merkley??? is a gaywad.

dood.
thanks for writing.
i agree, individualism is super way more interesting than flocking around. we individualists are all alike.

i'm glad you got something out of my crap.

see ya round!

# I fondled your brother's boobs at 2:11 AM