If I Was an Adopted, Blood Squirting, Diaper Saving, Boob Watching Mayoral Incumbant

If I was a Really Cool Car Commercial, I'd show perfect burritos coming out of the tail pipes of a new car as it raced down a curvy road in Ireland and leprechauns would come out of the woods and gobble up the burritos and they'd trade in their leprechaun hats for flaming sombreros and then the jolly green giant would pick up the car and scratch it's belly and the car would giggle and squirt blood out of the windsheild washing fluid squirters all while Celine Dion sang a new rendition of The National Anthem in French and Brad Pitt ran around in a pink wedding dress pointing at each leprechaun saying "ADOPTED" each time. I hate car commercials but I wouldn't hate that one.

lauren

If I was a Wedding Dress Made Out of Cotton Candy and Silly String, some homo designer would be all thinking he was some kind of genius artist for having designed me and presented me at some crappy fashion show/crappyliveband/cruddyartshow/fundraiser type deal held in a shithole warehouse space in South of Market, but really all I'd be is a fucking mess to clean up that made everybody think in their heads "LAME" even though they are all lame Burning Man dorks too. Burning Man fuckwads don't know shit fer shit.

lauren

If I was Some Dude Named Fuckwad DibbleFubble Poonturd, I'd run for mayor every second of my life and it wouldn't matter if I won or not because my satisfaction would come from the fact that I had the most talked about front lawn signs in the history of mayoral races. Oh yeah, the signs would be made out of recycled diapers, but I wouldn't tell anyone, some jokes are just for me.

sheri

If I was The Best Diaper Idea To Ever Be Invented, I'd be a diaper with some kind of powder chemical substance that would turn baby turds and pee into some kind of usable household good like a calculator or super strong rubber bands or postage stamps or light bulbs or FLIP FLOPS!!. Holy fuck I have good ideas.

sheri

That's all for now!
Don't get caught going scan scan scan -- BOOBS! scan scan scan scan MORE BOOBS! while you miss out on the future of everything.
Your Bottle of Some Orangeish Liquid With Flecks of Skin in it,
Hanky Glovebutt

PS -- some of you have emailed saying your comments aren't showing up. It's not my fault. I'm not moderating you out -- I'm just not getting them. My filtering software seems to have taken on a mind of it's own and is blocking all kinds of shit I didn't ask it to block but I don't have the energy to try and fix it because if you click on any of the pics above it will take you to my flickr site where it's comments galore with no problems at all.