o I bumped into all the slutbag contestants of The Bachelor in the lingerie department at 7-11.
"Hey ladies lookin good, what are you all doing here in the lingerie department at 7-11?"
"Must slurp pee, must slurp pee, must wear yummy panties and must slurp pee," they chanted as they all turned their heads, tweeked their nipples and responded in one singular voice which creeped me the fuck out.
"Those aren't edible panties. That's just beef jerky. Don't wear it. It looks like you all have scabs on your unmentionables. Also, I think it's called a Slurpee, just one word, it's sounds like you are saying that you want to drink urine or something. Why are you all talking in unison?"
"We slurp pee to be what we be, submissive dumb sluts times one hundred and three."
"Whoa, weird. I was kinda thinking that you gals weren't really aware how stupid, slutty and retarded you all are, so now I'm a little confused because now it seems like you're all super aware or something or like you are part of some pee guzzling submissives cult or something. What's the deal?"
"GET OUT OF HERE HOT DOG WANTER!!" a voice screamed from near the cash register.
"Who said that? I actually came in for nachos not a Big Dog." I said as I inched toward the Jerry's Kids donation bucket."
"GET OUT OF HERE NACHO BUILDER HOT DOG DREAMER OFer"
I leaned over the counter to see a really shiny completely naked fat woman with big gulp cups on her oblong boobs. She was on all fours and Camille Paglia was spanking her with a bible.
"Camille? is that you? Why are you spanking the naked 7-11 cashier with a bible? Do you know why these Bachelor contestants are hypnotized and wearing jerky thongs?"
"Have you read my book Sexual Personae?"
"Umm I tried but it was too wordy so I sniffed it a bunch and licked a few pages so I think I get the gist of it."
"You jizzed on my BOOK? AWESOME!!!"
"No I said GIST"
"Oh, well at least you sniffed it and licked it, you'd be surprised at how uptight academia is about experiencing books in any way other than "reading"...."
Then she went on and on talking at a million miles an hour for one billion minutes and the earth started rotating in the opposite direction and Pope John Paul came back to life and Superman crawled out of his grave and found the horse that turned him into a useless gimp and he killed it and stretched his intestines to the moon and told everyone it was a giant cheese yo yo and then Camille finally took a breath and I was able to get one word in edgewise.
Camille looked at me waiting for me to complete my thought.
"Sorry, you just made me feel like shouting VAGINA"
Then Camille launched into another forty billion word essay about the vagina and the whole population of earth was interested for exactly 2 nanoseconds and then the entire globe fell into a deep sleep wherein everyone on earth (including black people) had the exact same dream about a far away oh so peaceful pond with a slow swimming carp named Gerald that spoke slowly with a soothing warm voice that bubbled with comforting non abrasive non-scrubbing bubbles.....
"WAKE UP PEOPLE!!" Camille screamed "Don't you people see the genius behind the BACHELOR? It's exactly what I was trying to say in Sexual Personae!! I'm the spiritual mother of The Bachelor!"
Just then a gang of 13 Dykes on Bikes came crashing through the glass store front. The head Dyke on Bike was none other than Rosi O'Donnel and she wasn't wearing a shirt.
"We want us some jerky and we want it NOW!!" Rosi huffed as she stroked her beard, tickled the adopted Mexican kids she had crammed in her army boots and stomped over to the empty jerky dealie by the cash register.
"WHAT in THEEEE HELL???!!!" She snorted upon finding the container empty. "SOMEBODY IS GONNA DIE!"
Camille made a mad dash for the Slurpee machine where she doused her head with the blue flavored Slurpee stuff. The adopted Mexican kids laughed.
"Do you like my blue hair?" She yell asked as she very slyly and sneakily pointed to the jerky thongs being worn by The Bachelor contestants. "I said Do. You. Like. My. Blue. Hair?" Wink wink.
Personally I thought she should have said something like "I have no idea where the jerky went" while she sneakily pointed at the jerky thongs because I think that would have made more sense to a common dyke like Rosi O'Donnel but I think she was trying to make some pop culture referential metaphor about punk rockers or little old blue haired ladies as she pointed at the jerky clad weehoodles of The Bachelor conestants.
Rosi O'Donnel just stood there with a blank expression on her face as a singular 2 ounce drip of drool glopped off of her bottom lip and stretched down to the floor. A low rumbling hum was growing and by the looks of it, it appeared to be originating from Rosi's low hung FUBU shorts with the wallet chain. The sight of the mostly nude slutbags that she recognized from TV combined with her all time -- umm, I mean EVERY lesbian's all time favorite snack, BEEF JERKY THONG was just too much. Her face turned from confusion, to lust, to slightly pained, back to lust, then back to confusion, then to something that reminded me of a donkey, then back to lust then to a look that I will never forget because it is the look I had on my face the first time I ever saw semen squirt out the end of my penis.
Rosi had popped an actual boner.
She looked down her pants and the most satisfied smile you ever did see slowly crawled across her face. She dropped her drawers right then and there revealing a clitoris that was at the very least two inches long peeking out of her wookie of a fluffy muff. The other dykes, following suit, dropped their shorts to the floor revealing 12 more pudgy weinerish 1 and 2 incher clit dealies kinda like Rosi's. The adopted Mexican kids cried.
The empty headed bimbo Bachelor contestants having been thoroughly trained in the holy ways of cock worship all looked slightly bewildered and they gazed back and forth at each other as the were trying to determine what exactly constitutes a "cock". Sensing their confusion, Camille darted to the hot dog roller thing and grabbed a Big Dog that looked like it had been rolling on there since Adam boinked Eve and Eve pretended to like it. She held it out in the air in front of her, carefully showing it to the all the bimbos while pointing at it.
Then she bit two inches off the end of it, spit it out into her hairy palm and rushed over to Rosi's shiny pink nub and held out right next to it.
The bimbos immediately all dropped to their knees like good Bachelor contestants and the Dykes on Bikes all sauntered into position where they received some weird, Big Gulpy, Slurpeeish, interpretations of your basic chick on dude blow jobs while they munched on the best weehoodle flavored jerky of which any butch ass, droopy drawered dyke could ever dream.
With all HER dreams and prophecies having all come to pass, Camille Paglia's head exploded in a pink cloud of pure elation scattering 69 pounds of red white and blue, star spangled candy to the ground and all the adopted Mexican children rushed in to scoop it all up.
Not wanting to be a party pooper, I followed suit. Not for the candy, for the blow job -- duh.
I was so overcome with joy that I left a whole paper dollar for Jerry's Kids.
Afternoon Delight played on the radio.
Everyone was happy.
I fucking LOVE feminism.
btw, I have no idea what happened to the naked fat cashier so don't ask. I'm not into fat bitches.
That's all for now!
Don't get caught submitting junk like this to the local paper sayin' it's like a college thesis about chicks.
Your Balls to The Wall Number One Softball Fan,