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January 31, 2006

"Oh My God, Stephanie Had a Retarded Baby and Her Husband Turned Gay and She Doesn't Change Her Retard's Diapers.. Sooo Sad"

If I hear one more person complain about cell phones and loud cell phone conversations I'm going to make a razor blade smoothie and give myself an enema.

I LIKE TO OVERHEAR CONVERSATIONS! Never before has eavesdropping been so available everywhere. EAVESDROPPING RULES! You people that don't like cellphone conversation are the same types that complain when the neighbors are stabbing each other. Neighbors stabbing each other RULES! Would you be bummed if Quentin Tarantino was next door sawing off some gay kid's dick with an electric toothbrush and you could hear every word and vibrating whatever? NO. Why? Because that would RULE!

You cell phone conversation haters suffer from one or more of the following disorders:

1. You're not creative.

2. You hate that people have friends.

3. You want all the attention for yourself and it makes you mad that people aren't trying to listen to YOUR conversation because the hot chick on the cell phone crying to her abusive boyfriend is stealing "YOUR" spotlight.
a. You fail to imagine her getting a beating when she gets home.

b. You fail to imagine that her boyfriend is a midget or Kobe Bryant.

c. You fail to imagine that she is just talking to a dial tone because she is sick to death of your STUPID CONVERSATION WITH YOUR SISTER'S BOYFRIEND'S CO-WORKER ABOUT THE SALAD DRESSING.--- USE YOUR IMAGINATIONS PEOPLE.


Not me, I don't get mad at all. I WANT half of the details. If I could have my way I'd have everyone use speaker phone so I could hear the whole thing. I like that people can enjoy a good fight over a plate of spaghetti with someone who isn't even there. I like it even more that I can sit in the next booth and silently judge them as I make up the other side of the conversation. I like sitting there thinking, "oh you should totally tell her this or that awesome zinger of a remark"

Like I said, what you're mad about is that a one sided conversation is more interesting than the meathead you brought to lunch which is why you can't seem to ignore it. More likely is that you went to lunch alone and nobody is trying to call you at all and their conversation is a painful reminder of that fact but all this is just because your attitude sucks. You have yet to realize that the faggot screaming into his phone about his festering anus is your perfect opportunity to ignore the fuck out of your dumb date or your dumb boring life.

If you don't like overhearing people, build yourself a 12x12 cabin in the woods in Wyoming and send old people package bombs or something.

As for me, I will continue to rush to the window and peek out the blinds everytime I hear people chatting or shuffling their feet outside. I like being a nosy old woman.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught imagining that at the other end of every single cell phone conversation is a naked and oily Osama Bin Laden.
Your Master of Dare-emonies,
Horton (dude who heard the who)

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

i feel your concept yet i still stand by my opinion that i HATE hearing shit that has no interest to me. but that's because i HATE people besides me and don't give a fuck what they have to say. i have experienced exceptions to this though. just the other night i took the 14 mission down to 24th street to fill my belly full of booze and there was a woman on the bus having a total Mexican soap opera conversation. i was completely fascinated she kept exclaiming things like "NO!" "NO,NO CREE", "ES IMPOSBILE", "TE ODIO!", "EMBARAZADA? CON QUIEN" "NO...NO...DIGA ME OTRA VES" her inflections were marvelous and in my head i was watching the best Mexican soap ever. so i guess im cool with loud public phone convos but only if they are scandalous and in spanish.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

point is, any onesided conversation can be scandalous -- it all depends on how you fill in the other side.

 

Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

Quid Pro Quo Merkley??? You always manage to say the shit like it needs to be said. They are jealous cause they don't have a life when it is more fun to imagine what she shoulda, coulda, woulda said if you coached her. As usual, always entertaining merkley???

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks babs -
i was just reading your blog -- sounds like you've had quite the adventurous life.

 

Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

I thought I already left a comment here about overhearing a girl on a cell phone (in a cafe) give a very detailed rundown of her heavy period flow. Although it was disgusting, I was intrigued she would share such raunchy information on her cell in a public place.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

isnt it about tiiimmme to remove comment moderation? its so much less satisfying when i cant instantly see my comment. poo.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

dear girl that makes funny jokes to heal the nothingness she feels inside.......uh, shut the fuck up. yea thats pretty much it, shut the fuck up.

regards,
peaches

 

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Nearly Every Fight I Ever Had With Any Girlfriend Was on The Subject of Dinner

merkley???:
fil and samir get along right?

raymi:
yes they exclude me

raymi:
samir was my friend first

raymi:
they gang up on me and get me super fucking annoyed

merkley???:
i can see how that might happen

raymi:
next time they piss me off im gonna pull a ditch on them

raymi:
first order a bunch of shots on samir's tab then disappear

raymi:
hahahaahhahahahahaa

merkley???:
ha

raymi:
fuckers

raymi says:
u love each other so much TAKE THAT FAGS

merkley???:
then go stumbling off into the fog

raymi:
yeh all mysterious

raymi says:
"oh what u wanted to eat steak with me tonite awww", then i spit in the marinade and watch them exclaim to me how marvelous everything tastes

merkley???:
then come home with no shoes and a new tennis racket

merkley???:
with the price tag still on it

raymi:
and a bunch of fone numbers with no names

raymi:
and some numbers missing

merkley???:
pants on backwards

raymi:
speaking in french

merkley???:
bandaids on every finger

raymi:
broken glass on my shoulders and in my hair

merkley???:
a dozen eggs under one arm -- NONE BROKEN!!

raymi:
hahhaaa

raymi:
ok im gonna go grocery shopping now

raymi:
be back later

merkley???:
bye

That's all for now,
Don't get caught, ah fuck it, you think of one, I'm too lazy.
Your, ah fuck it, you think of one, I'm still too lazy,
Regis Philbin

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

I fight with boyfriends about dinner if they're into scat.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

haha. i love the dozen unbroken eggs under the arms part.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Allison Quick the Assassin ,
scat, is that that stuff they put in falafels?


poopee shmoopee,
thanks dood!

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

once I walked into my house after a date, back whenI lived "at home", I was probably 17, I walked in, said hi Grandma and hi Great Grandma, waltzed in, went to the potty looked in the mirror and realized my shirt was inside out and backwards...talk about an oh shit moment...

Funny post

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
i routinely leave the house with my fly down.

 

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January 27, 2006

Come On Down and Get Frisked By Gigantic Gangster Looking Negroes

That's right, you heard me, all you trust fund whitebread hundred dollar haircut honky cokeheads from the suburbs have the chance to turn society on it's ear!! Yes you can be frisked by a gigantic gangster looking negro man as if YOU are the threat to HIM in the middle of the butthole crackhead ghetto of our great city. I think this is the dream Dr. Martin Luther was talking about.

I wrote about this place before wherein I said I'd never return to that shithole, But here I'm involved in this art show tonight. So much for sticking to my gums. Come on down if you're around. I plan on being there for at least 20 minutes.





That's all for now.
Don't get caught waiting till you're crowning before getting in line for the toilet.
Your Master of Sideways Hair-emonies,
Dick Cheney

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

ou es la special frame pour le mickey mouse painting?


wait. is french gay??

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

That's the problem with trycker hats, there's no instructions on how to wear them properly. That's why so many "ouths" are turning them sideways and shit. They are just too stupid to operate a fucking hat...

 

Blogger ~*~ is a gaywad.

Thank you for my bad attitude.

Thank you for this pain. (WTF did I do!?)

Thank you for the free booze last night.

Thanks you for the muscle relaxers that helped me sleep tight.

Thank you for giving me a reason to call the police from work.

Thank you for making this guy be a jerk.



See, not only am I thanking you for everything, I'm doing it creativly.

And you should be me. . . right now.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gabrielle,
see how the corner is ganked? thats the special part,
===================



Squid Vicious,
trucker hats were only cool when they were funny.
=============


~*~ ,
hmmmn, wait, do i know you? the only thing that couldve possibly happened is that i may have bought you a drink bu t i dont remember buying no drinks fer nobuddy.

 

Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

I just googled your name because some of my favorites were accidentally deleted. How is it that I'd never seen your main page with the three missionaries? Now I am officially obsessed with you.

 

Blogger ~*~ is a gaywad.

Um, no. You never bought me a drink. We've never met.

Check back a few posts ago. . . I made a comment. . . you commented on my comment. . .

Just a return reader. . .

Jeebus! Whats with the fucking 3rd degree?!

(See that was me making a joke! Hurruh!)

 

Blogger ~*~ is a gaywad.

The Lou Reed post. . .

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

melpants,
whaddya think about polygamy?
===============

~*~ ,
ahh --- hmmmn --- oh --- um RIGHT!

 

Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

Is that a proposition?

 

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January 26, 2006

If I Was an Older Wiser Experienced Pee Splatter in Some Gas Station's Men's Restroom Out On The Highway...

If I was an Ordinary, Run of The Mill Fart, I'd be a little miffed that nobody really knows how to write down what I sound like yet everyone seems to be able to impersonate me like a total pro. I'd also be a little bummed that "pfffft", which is the closest anyone ever really came to accurately writing out what I sound like, just means miffed or put off which is exactly what I'd be at this very second.


Shannon

If I was Really Bad Breath and Also Kinda Dickish, my favorite words would be words like "WHO", "HOW", "WHY","HARRY" and any other super windy word that'd unleash me into your face and I'd probably often think about how clever I was to mostly take up residency in the hot jerky holes of interrogators and such.


Cimi

If I was an Older Wiser Experienced Pee Splatter in Some Gas Station's Men's Restroom Out On The Highway, and some new young pee splatters were complaining and generally being ungrateful about this or that, I'd probably lecture them about how lucky they were to be wiener pee splatters and not vergeena pee splatters and then I'd go on and on about difference between the dude's bathroom and the chick's bathroom and how the chick's bathroom was certain death for the likes of them and so on and so forth but I'd make damn sure to be funny and entertaining while I was doing it because it's important for young pee splatters to have role models and it's important for older pee splatters to remember what it was like to be young and drippy.



My neice Shanelle
If any of you fuckers talk shit I'll kick your face in.


Also, I can't seem to stop being Lou Reed.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught pretending the urinal pellet is Ellen DeGeneres or a sandwich or something.
Your Master of I Don't Care-emonies,
Laci Peterson

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Tumbleweed is a gaywad.

Your niece is gorgeous! I love when you post pictures, I am studying them and will soon be able to emulate you, be afraid.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

HEY. what's wrong with vergina pee?

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

nice. particularly the adjectives on the pee splatter anecdote.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Bums pee all over the el stops in Chicago, so the CTA started putting urinal cakes on the ground.

It's like waiting for the train inside a giant potty!

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

shit shit shit shit shit...come on dude, kick my face in, I dare ya!

oh, your neice is very pretty. :)

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

I would never say anything about your niece dilly...that chick above her looks like a whore though

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

tumble,
emulate away. i'd be flattered.
============



poopee shmoopee,
nothin unless your a pee splatter that would prefer living on the wall. chick pee gets flushed.
==================


gabrielle,
thanks!
===========



Allison Quick the Assassin Chick ,
"bums" i love that term. why i don't use it more is baffling.
=============



Wendy,
i meant talking shit about my neice.
============



Calzone,
we're all whores. cept you. you're a hot pocket.
===========

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

of cooouuurse that is what you meant....i know that, that is why i did it out of the context of your neice.

hey, do you sell prints of your paintings? And, are they less than a billion dollars and do you sign them yourself? Gift for my sister who loves no doubt. I'll e-mail you, so nevermind...

 

Blogger Ms. Robyn is a gaywad.

i fucking love your art. if i can ever get my ass to the city i would be thrilled to see your stuff. keep posting any shows you have.

 

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And That's What It's Like Being Friends With a Totally Self Aware Sometimes Resentful But Honest Drunk.

So you call me up and go on and on about missing me and can't wait to see me and have been thinking of me all the time and where have you been merkley and i thought you didn't like me anymore merkley and how come you don't return my calls merkley and on and on and on until i decide to somewhat reluctantly meet you out for drinks because it is next door to where i was going anyway and then i avoid direct eye contact with you and pat you on the back while you try to hug me and i shrug off explanations about where i have been and why i don't call back and then i slip out to go to another bar because i can see you are getting drunk and i don't have any interest in you when you are drunk which is nearly every single time i have ever seen you but then i see you again because you end up at the same bar of course and i wish you wouldn't have because i was just trying to have a good time with people who don't feed me a line of bull for their own selfish reasons and by that time i am pretty drunk and having a good time and of course you are having a fabulous time hitting on every dude within sight and you are avoiding further self serving speeches about how i am the number one coolest chap in the history of the world because now it's time for you to get attention from dude one billion and five and finally about closing time i get my thumbs moving all text message style and you get the following text messages which you will never see because you lose five billion phones every two nanoseconds because you are always drunk:
Me (1:28 am): yours is a sober love but you my lady are a drunk.
Me (1:28 am): No wonder i'm a ghost.
Me (1:29 am):dude. You are all talk. More than words and shit. Not waiting by the phone so don't worry. It's all you. It always has been. No big whoop.
Me (1:39 am): Stop feigning interest. Seriously. Stop it.

And that's what it's like being drunken insincere friends with a totally self aware, self righteous, sometimes resentful but honest and sincere drunk. ME.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught casting the first stone and blahbbity blah,
Your Master of Glaremonies,
Bonnie Hunt

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

Yo Merkley???, for real for real I know exactly what you’re talking about. I have this friend M who’s hot and all I wrote about taking her to a concert once. Anyways she always tries to hang out with me because I’m a good looking Negro that knows how to dance. She has no rhythm and when she dances all she does is do this gay wiggle thing. So without fail every time we go out, we hangout for exactly 30 minutes then she gets drunk and goes wiggles up on some other dude. Most of the time her and her friends end up straight leaving me and I have to cab it all the way back to her crib to get my car. Oh and I’m usually paying for her cover and her drinks but she never gets me back. So fuck letting no dumb broads use me for my model like good looks and my MC Hammer like dance moves that was so 05, in 06 we flip the script. Next time that girl calls trying to hang out straight up ask her what are you going to get out of it?

Holla.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yeah,
she knows -- i already told her that hanging out with her is like hanging out at a hot dog convention. it's a one way street for sure -- even one on one time usually invloves her neighbor or ex boyfried tagging along. i have already created distance -- she wonders why even though i have explained it a billion different ways.

it's not like i have much right to complain -- i'm usually rolling with three or four girls -- tit for tat i suppose.

i could never be serious about a girl with no rhythm, it's a deal breaker for sure.

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

merks,
are you simply bored and
un-invigorated in her company - or is there some good stuff/conversations going on too? also, do you date dumb women?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holly,
ummm -- well, she can be fun and has been etc... but no, i wouldn't say there has ever been time for real conversation -- i need good conversation.

i don't date dumb girls. she aint dumb. we never dated.

i only date funny girls. there ain't many lemme tell ya.

 

Blogger dancing at gunpoint is a gaywad.

Maybe the chlamydia made her crazy? That's what happened to Edgar Allen Poe I think.

 

Blogger Tumbleweed is a gaywad.

I'm funny as hell and have some great dance moves too! Plus, I don't ever hit on other guys if I went there with someone. The saying "dance with the one that brought ya". Come to Kansas and we'll hang out, I'll stay sober for you baby!

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

Oh David. Isn't it obvious to you yet that this poor girl is deeply diseased with being pretty? Are you more upset that she is a climbing fake-ass slut with zero percent graciousness, or that she is a climbing fake-ass slut with zero percent graciousness that you can't help but desire anyway?
It must be just hell having a penis in charge.

 

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January 25, 2006

A Blossom Fell...

Back in the old country, I used to keep a beautiful old radio from the 40s in the bathroom humming out an AM radio station that played the warm golden oldies music that originally came out of it's beautiful Bak-o-lite and gold speaker grill.

When pooping, I always tried to time my plops to the crescendos and changes in the music --- I still try not to poop out of rhythm.

Anyway, once I timed my poop to emphasize Nat King Cole's lyric that goes "...a blossom fell and touched two lips that lied.... ..... .... plop!" it had a really good hollow splashback sound too. The kind that sounds like a cartoon sound effect or something. It was awesome.

This story originally appeared as a comment on one of Raymi's moving poop tales. THANKS RAYMI!!


BTW, I am bringing back the term "I crap you negative" but I am changing it to "I crap you neg". Now THAT'S what 2006 is all about.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught accidentally pooping before Patsy Cline gets to the part where it seems like a poop needs to be.
Your Orchestral Bowel Maneuvers In the Park,
Mel Torme

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger raymi lauren is a gaywad.

ahahhaaaa

 

Anonymous The Ghost of Professor Leotus Clouse and The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

My parents potty trained me to Gordon Lightfoot. When the vinyl was thrashed, I spent 2 weeks holding my poo in until I could locate a greatest hits CD from a music peddler on ebay. When it arrived, it turned out to be a special double CD package with Kool Mo Dee and Shaka Kahn. I don't know how much longer I can hold it...

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I have never pooped to music. I like silence while pooping, silence and locked doors and a clean seat, in MY house, preferably with no one else around. Yep, that how I poop. now ya know...

And, I hate that I said it. I am very anal retentive.

 

Blogger Tumbleweed is a gaywad.

damn, for some reason I feel like pooping now...thanks! I have a 50's radio in the kitchen, I must move it to the bathroom now. See you in a few.

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

the only time I ever pray is when I am pooping and my prayer is this "dear jesus let me poop."

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

duuudddee, I'm a loyal reader. and you just removed one the best most insightful posts ever. lllaaammmmeeee.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

raymi,
i know -- i'm furnny.
=============

The Ghost of Professor Leotus Clouse and The Duke of Sweet Cheeks,
HA HA HA HA!! good story!
================

Wendy,
oh it's good to know everything.
================


Tumbleweed,
report back
==============



Hahree,
good one. man am i ever glad i'm good at pooping. that would suck to have to work at it.

also -- i put the post back.
==============

 

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January 22, 2006

merkley??? Hated Lou Reed Until merkley??? Walked a Mile in Lou Reed's Flip Flops

Seriously, I always hated Lou Reed but now that I have BEEN Lou Reed, I can't help but love him to death.

These were my experiences as....



I can only hope for you that someday you get your chance to be Lou Reed.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught eating heroin!
Your Number One Mortage Broker Break Dancer Biker,
Debby Harry

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger chwecko is a gaywad.

Lou Reed is scheduled to perform at the Olympic Medals Plaza in Torino Italy in February. And thank goodness for that - Im all out of methadone.

 

Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

The water in oceans is four times less salty than the water in lou reed.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

lou reed got his period at work and bled all over his pants today.

 

Blogger Bill the Apostle is a gaywad.

I'm not sure what you think you are up too but you sure as fuck are going to Hell

 

Blogger J to the fucking C is a gaywad.

I do believe my time is coming.

 

Blogger ~*~ is a gaywad.

I don't know if I should thank you Or Lou Reed.

I'll thank you 'cuz I never read his blod till this post. Sorry Lou. No hard feelings.

I am now have a 'less' shitty day!

Be me next! mememememe!

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

you guys crack me up.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

chwecko,
when does all that shit start? also, has hb visited yet?
==========


Melliferous Pants,
what about pee?
what about tears?
see? you need to be more sensitive melly.
==========




Bill the Apostle,
all my friends will be there.
==============



Jesus Christ,
i hope so dude cuz i'm getting sick of hearing about it. ticket sales have slowed to a trickle. we may have to paper the house.
=============


~*~ ,
always thanks me for anything good that every happens anywhere. it ain't gonna hurt you.

i'll be you whenever you want.
==============

wv: Ambo -- gay rambo.

 

Anonymous The Ghost of Professor Leotus Clouse and The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

Lou Reed says you two shared a soggy cot back in the boy scouts, can you confirm this?

 

Anonymous gabrieller is a gaywad.

now someone must program it like the vin diesel one

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

are you censoring my comments about lou reed? because i thought you should know YESTERDAY lou reed got his period in the grocery store and bled all over his new pants.

 

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January 17, 2006

So I Bumped Into All The Slutbag Contestants of The Bachelor In The Lingerie Department at
7-11

So I bumped into all the slutbag contestants of The Bachelor in the lingerie department at 7-11.

"Hey ladies lookin good, what are you all doing here in the lingerie department at 7-11?"

"Must slurp pee, must slurp pee, must wear yummy panties and must slurp pee," they chanted as they all turned their heads, tweeked their nipples and responded in one singular voice which creeped me the fuck out.

"Those aren't edible panties. That's just beef jerky. Don't wear it. It looks like you all have scabs on your unmentionables. Also, I think it's called a Slurpee, just one word, it's sounds like you are saying that you want to drink urine or something. Why are you all talking in unison?"

"We slurp pee to be what we be, submissive dumb sluts times one hundred and three."

"Whoa, weird. I was kinda thinking that you gals weren't really aware how stupid, slutty and retarded you all are, so now I'm a little confused because now it seems like you're all super aware or something or like you are part of some pee guzzling submissives cult or something. What's the deal?"

"GET OUT OF HERE HOT DOG WANTER!!" a voice screamed from near the cash register.

"Who said that? I actually came in for nachos not a Big Dog." I said as I inched toward the Jerry's Kids donation bucket."

"GET OUT OF HERE NACHO BUILDER HOT DOG DREAMER OFer"

I leaned over the counter to see a really shiny completely naked fat woman with big gulp cups on her oblong boobs. She was on all fours and Camille Paglia was spanking her with a bible.

"Camille? is that you? Why are you spanking the naked 7-11 cashier with a bible? Do you know why these Bachelor contestants are hypnotized and wearing jerky thongs?"

"Have you read my book Sexual Personae?"

"Umm I tried but it was too wordy so I sniffed it a bunch and licked a few pages so I think I get the gist of it."

"You jizzed on my BOOK? AWESOME!!!"

"No I said GIST"

"Oh, well at least you sniffed it and licked it, you'd be surprised at how uptight academia is about experiencing books in any way other than "reading"...."

Then she went on and on talking at a million miles an hour for one billion minutes and the earth started rotating in the opposite direction and Pope John Paul came back to life and Superman crawled out of his grave and found the horse that turned him into a useless gimp and he killed it and stretched his intestines to the moon and told everyone it was a giant cheese yo yo and then Camille finally took a breath and I was able to get one word in edgewise.

"VAGINA!"

Camille looked at me waiting for me to complete my thought.

"Sorry, you just made me feel like shouting VAGINA"

Then Camille launched into another forty billion word essay about the vagina and the whole population of earth was interested for exactly 2 nanoseconds and then the entire globe fell into a deep sleep wherein everyone on earth (including black people) had the exact same dream about a far away oh so peaceful pond with a slow swimming carp named Gerald that spoke slowly with a soothing warm voice that bubbled with comforting non abrasive non-scrubbing bubbles.....

"WAKE UP PEOPLE!!" Camille screamed "Don't you people see the genius behind the BACHELOR? It's exactly what I was trying to say in Sexual Personae!! I'm the spiritual mother of The Bachelor!"

Just then a gang of 13 Dykes on Bikes came crashing through the glass store front. The head Dyke on Bike was none other than Rosi O'Donnel and she wasn't wearing a shirt.

"We want us some jerky and we want it NOW!!" Rosi huffed as she stroked her beard, tickled the adopted Mexican kids she had crammed in her army boots and stomped over to the empty jerky dealie by the cash register.

"WHAT in THEEEE HELL???!!!" She snorted upon finding the container empty. "SOMEBODY IS GONNA DIE!"

Camille made a mad dash for the Slurpee machine where she doused her head with the blue flavored Slurpee stuff. The adopted Mexican kids laughed.

"Do you like my blue hair?" She yell asked as she very slyly and sneakily pointed to the jerky thongs being worn by The Bachelor contestants. "I said Do. You. Like. My. Blue. Hair?" Wink wink.

Personally I thought she should have said something like "I have no idea where the jerky went" while she sneakily pointed at the jerky thongs because I think that would have made more sense to a common dyke like Rosi O'Donnel but I think she was trying to make some pop culture referential metaphor about punk rockers or little old blue haired ladies as she pointed at the jerky clad weehoodles of The Bachelor conestants.

Rosi O'Donnel just stood there with a blank expression on her face as a singular 2 ounce drip of drool glopped off of her bottom lip and stretched down to the floor. A low rumbling hum was growing and by the looks of it, it appeared to be originating from Rosi's low hung FUBU shorts with the wallet chain. The sight of the mostly nude slutbags that she recognized from TV combined with her all time -- umm, I mean EVERY lesbian's all time favorite snack, BEEF JERKY THONG was just too much. Her face turned from confusion, to lust, to slightly pained, back to lust, then back to confusion, then to something that reminded me of a donkey, then back to lust then to a look that I will never forget because it is the look I had on my face the first time I ever saw semen squirt out the end of my penis.

Rosi had popped an actual boner.

She looked down her pants and the most satisfied smile you ever did see slowly crawled across her face. She dropped her drawers right then and there revealing a clitoris that was at the very least two inches long peeking out of her wookie of a fluffy muff. The other dykes, following suit, dropped their shorts to the floor revealing 12 more pudgy weinerish 1 and 2 incher clit dealies kinda like Rosi's. The adopted Mexican kids cried.

The empty headed bimbo Bachelor contestants having been thoroughly trained in the holy ways of cock worship all looked slightly bewildered and they gazed back and forth at each other as the were trying to determine what exactly constitutes a "cock". Sensing their confusion, Camille darted to the hot dog roller thing and grabbed a Big Dog that looked like it had been rolling on there since Adam boinked Eve and Eve pretended to like it. She held it out in the air in front of her, carefully showing it to the all the bimbos while pointing at it.

"Wiener"

Then she bit two inches off the end of it, spit it out into her hairy palm and rushed over to Rosi's shiny pink nub and held out right next to it.

"Wiener"

The bimbos immediately all dropped to their knees like good Bachelor contestants and the Dykes on Bikes all sauntered into position where they received some weird, Big Gulpy, Slurpeeish, interpretations of your basic chick on dude blow jobs while they munched on the best weehoodle flavored jerky of which any butch ass, droopy drawered dyke could ever dream.

With all HER dreams and prophecies having all come to pass, Camille Paglia's head exploded in a pink cloud of pure elation scattering 69 pounds of red white and blue, star spangled candy to the ground and all the adopted Mexican children rushed in to scoop it all up.

Not wanting to be a party pooper, I followed suit. Not for the candy, for the blow job -- duh.

I was so overcome with joy that I left a whole paper dollar for Jerry's Kids.

Afternoon Delight played on the radio.

Everyone was happy.

I fucking LOVE feminism.

The End

btw, I have no idea what happened to the naked fat cashier so don't ask. I'm not into fat bitches.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught submitting junk like this to the local paper sayin' it's like a college thesis about chicks.
Your Balls to The Wall Number One Softball Fan,
Bill Gates

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

that's so cool because paglia's head is a giant pinata spewing candy!! Sadly, I can't make a Tilda on this keyboard. Is one born with the 1 to 2 inch wiener dealies or is that just bad maintenance?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Hahree,
some are lucky enough to be born with them others get them through steroids, some eat testosteroni which is a macaroni dish served in the dyke part of the castro in sf. some are just Chyna -- you know, the wrestler.

in case you forgot what that looks like, take another NSFW peek

 

Blogger Zombie Lou is a gaywad.

If Debby Harry tries to talk shit about Lou Reed on your blog please contact Lou Reed as fast as you can but not by phone because Lou Reed lost his phone. BUT DON'T BELIEVE A WORD DEBBY HARRY SAYS BECAUSE DEBBY HARRY IS A BALLOON HEADED MONKEYTOOTH LYING COKE SLUT!

Lou Reed will leave this comment EVERYWHERE. Feel Free to repost Lou Reed's Comment.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I read this whole thing, but even with all the BJ's going on (no not the guy from MASH), I couldn't get this one line out of my head: "We slurp pee to be what we be, submissive dumb sluts times one hundred and three."

That is Dr Seuss, dude, you totally plagiarized him.

 

Blogger the original marriedman is a gaywad.

7-11 has a fucking lingere department. Fuck, I had no clue.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

That thesis would've gotten an A TRIPLE PLUS at my College of Cool Hair and Sleaze.

I once sung Afternoon Delight for 5 months.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

great, just great. my stomach literally turned, expelling poop up my throat like vomit.


i need a breath mint.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

VAGINA!!!!!!!
heh.

i love beef jerky. does that make me a lesbian? or just fat and ugly?

 

Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

Dammit merkley???, now I know why I can't find any good acid like Window Pane or Purple Haze or any of my ol' favorites cause you must be hording the shit. Don't be a bogart dude. It's puff puff pass and share and share alike. But I can tell you're on the good shit.How else can you write the kinda Zappa shit I can comprehend?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Lou Reed,
you need to get your phone back because debby harry keeps calling me for your new number and when i tell her that you lost your phone (traded it for drugs) she thinks i'm giving her the run around.
==================



Wendy,
I didn't plagarize seuss, those chicks did. this was a true story. facts wendy -- just facts.
==================



Superman's left boot,
ligerie, jerky, same diff.
=======================



Allison Quick the Assassin Chick,
how do i apply for a scholarship to your school?
=================



poopee shmoopee,
it makes you a mountain man.
====================


Babsbitchin',
funny, i have never done any type of psychedelic but i was just now reading about dmt when i got notification of your comment becuase joe rogan went off on a radio show about it and he actually sounded pretty smart. who knew.

here's the link to his clip.

btw, my whole life people have been accusing me of using psychedelics -- never have -- not once. never even liked zappa.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

I can easliy see you incorporate-- you as a divine entity. Tax I.D. baby.
I have one question about Paglia, though. I was more moved ny her rosetta stone quality between text, and culture. I thought that was the whole point.

I see now that I am taking the bull by the horns re the children's books. Don't come bitchin' to me when a publisher starts caging your ass.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

You should do a bachelor kind of thing.. You could like pick someone to come over to like lick your sack or something.

Dude..pick Danny..seriously.

 

Blogger marriedman, turbo charged is a gaywad.

fondle me

 

Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

You frighten and intrigue me.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

THEMERRYJANETRAIN,
i never understand what the hell you are talking about.
==================



Calzone,
you have great ideas!
==================

the duke of pearls,
bend over.
==================


Melliferous Pants,
no YOU frighten and intrigue ME!
==================

 

Anonymous **Suzie Q** is a gaywad.

Slurp-pee, slurp-pee!

Lol!

You remind me of the little boy who sat next to me in the third grade who used to punch me in the arm all the time. Funny, yet annoying at the same time.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

liked this a real whole lot. except my loathing of bachelor contestants is so large and my inability to comprehend why people participate in shows like that so enormous that it somewhat clouded my ability to get past hoping you'd make all the contestants get chained by the neck to the fat 7-11 clerk like jabba the hut and then forced to eat packages of combos until the end of time.

 

Blogger samir is a gaywad.

the same thing happened to me at Mac's Milk, just two weeks ago... only it wasn't rosie wearing fubu, it was ellen in armani.

Funny how things are different here in kanada.

 

Blogger THEMERRYJANETRAIN is a gaywad.

Encrypted, I know, I was thus born.
Translation: Paglia, Sexual Personae is a manual to read culture as text.
Children's books, I am going to pitch them and you will field offers from publishers.
Do you understand or do you need an interpreter?

 

Post a Comment

January 14, 2006

Somebody Stuck a Poll Up My Date

This is an update and a poll.

For whatever reason, I have been dividing this here blog into sections or categories or whatever the fuck. So far I have;

Heavyweight Sleep Champion of The World
My Dreams Kick The Shit Out of Your Dreams

Absolutely 87% True Bullshit
This One Time, This Thing Happened and I Did Some Stuff

If I Was a Pee Hole
I Would Totally Learn To Whistle

and then the main blog here.

other future categories will be for my encounters with famous or otherwise noteworthy buttlickers, my perfectly flawless political philosophies, and perhaps one with just photos. Any suggestions will be duly considered as well.

I'm pretty sure that nobody gives a shit -- but I do have one question, while all of the other categories will contain posts that originally appear both here on the main page and in the respective cartegory, the dream blog shit is, for now, totally separate. Do you think I should post my dream stuff here too? Or do you think I should keep them completely separate? I'm not a person that wants to bother people with my dreams, but at the same time, I have been updating that shit almost everyday and sometimes the main blog feels like a moldy turd just sitting here stinking up the web.

What do you think?

And now I will leave you with a joke by my friend Bridget Schwartz who quit blogging because she is emotionally fucked up or something:

I recently took a poll.

It didn't feel very good.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught asking dumb questions when you'll end up doing it your own way anyway.
Your Flaming Red Headed Master of Batermonies,
Shelly Winters

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous The Ghost of Professor Leotus Clouse and The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

Everything should be archived immediately and all attention should be redirected to "If I was a Peehole", but renamed, "If I was Your Peehole". You'll link to several elite corporate sponsors who'll force you to promote their hair care products, and when the deal turns sour after a dispute involving your desire for more animal testing, you back out of the contract, thus forcing yourself to post hourly updated noods of yourself attempting to wet/dry hump your former self while he sleeps with your other self.

 

Blogger Bill the Apostle is a gaywad.

Me and the Dragon both think you should put your dreams on this blog..We forget all about it when we come over here

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

I like the dream blog separate. I have it listed below this one in my favorites. I go here then I go there. I think the dream thing is nice with the colors, the whole atmosphere. If you put here, it will just be like all the other poop, which it isn't. Poop here, dreams there. Hurry with the political thing, I am really going to dig that.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

But! mayyyybeeee, you could adjust your links so that the dream blog and other stuff of yours appears higher on the page and beside the top post. Maybe it is my browser, I don't know, but all your links are at the very bottom of the template. If higher, they would get the sttention they deserve.

 

Blogger hotdawgit is a gaywad.

I like the dreams, interspersed with the regular blog.

 

Blogger hotdawgit is a gaywad.

I like the dream blog here too...

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

maybe just post the ones you want posted here whenever you post them on the dream blog.

ok. i just turned into gary cole's version of mike brady.

 

Blogger ~*~ is a gaywad.

Ok Merks- here's how you oughta do it.

1. If you feel the need to cross post (post the same damn thing on two blogs) state that it is in fact a cross post. This will keep people from jumping back and forth like little retard froggys.

2. At the end of your posts here, give us a heads up- Leave a note, linked, to the post you updated.
It'd look alittle like this:

That's all for now.
Don't get caught asking dumb questions when you'll end up doing it your own way anyway.
Your Flaming Red Headed Master of Batermonies,
Shelly Winters

P.S
I updated here and here fuckers. Read or die. (Here and Here being links. . . get it?)


Hugs and Shit

 

Blogger J to the fucking C is a gaywad.

Hey man, I'm totally with Bill. You should consolidate and shit.

 

Anonymous Sugzey is a gaywad.

Shelly Winters
Andy Rooney
Bob Hope
Rodney Allen Ripey
Redd Foxx

FUCK...I need a stiff belt...NOW!

Is it my night or is it your day???

Bye,

The Great Hungarian!

 

Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

I like them all together because I have short attention span. But do what you wanna do. When I have a big decision to make I usually fast and pray about it. Maybe that would help you decide?

 

Blogger PaTo is a gaywad.

Separate and Equal, it's all good. But I do agree the blueness is niceness.

Thanks Mr. M. for the reference to Bridget Schwartz! Her blog is where I found yer blog, and now I see she's up and running again. Good one for you!

I've been hanging around here since Katrina thinking BS got swept away, or carried off in a wave of Tookie Pee. In any case, I sher hope she's nice and dried out, or once'd again riding on the wagons, or whatever.

Keep up with the keepin' up, and I'll send you to my podcast of Leanne Hansen gettin dirty with Will Sorts from NPR!

PaTo

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

I think you should stick with the chick youve been screwing longer. Sure that other Betty sucks your cock more, but that always goes away after a while.

Always.

Fuck

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

Vertical scrolling is the best form of internet organization. I don't dig the three Merkley blogs. But who cares, it's all free entertainment anyway, and a whistling peehole is a fabulous mental image.

 

Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

Wendy had it right poop here dream there. You also know how I'd feel about having a page up just for pictures (of hot almost naked chicks) duh. So I'm not even going to comment on it.

holla

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

soooo, what have you decided to do? I can't take the anticipation of the final decision. It is like waiting for a sequel to Close Encounters of The Third Kind. (I saw that movie and I love that movie, why haven't they made a sequel? Richard dreyfuss is still in the mothership out there somewhere.) I am going to blog about this...

anyway, decision!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

EVERYBODY,
thanks for the input. It seems like the concensus agrees with my initial inclination to keep the dreams over there and put the rest here using the other templates merely as fancy, archive friendly categories..

also wendy and anyone else who uses Internet explorer, IE is a gigantic load of poop and you should abandon it immediately and start using FIREFOX which is superior in five hundred billion different ways. Internet explorer does not display this blog correctly nor half the other blogs you read either. you are eventually going to switch anyway so why not do it today? huh? huh? huh? huh?

that's what i thought.

 

Anonymous new firefox user is a gaywad.

Hmmm...you do look different in Firefox.

Did you know that installing a different browser without the consent of your significant other is grounds for divorce?

Boy, I'm in trouble now.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

well, whatever you do you're going to have to take janice glass jr with you because she's 5 seconds away from getting booted off our blog. i have a feeling that if she gets booted off our blog that she'll just try to post here in your comments until you kick her off.

 

Post a Comment

January 12, 2006

Painting Is a Gigantic Pain in The Ass and I'm Not Quite Sure Why I Ever Do It

Thank dicks I don't do it very often.

Photography is way more fun. Photography is easy and offers pretty much instant gratification. Spend a couple of hours on a photograph that ends up sucking and it's like -- well -- take another one -- big deal -- what's a couple of hours? -- plus you can always blame the subject for looking stupid. Spend 75-100 hours on a painting that ends up sucking and it can be a MAJOR bum out.

When I drew as a kid it was fun because all the other kids would gather around and I'd draw silly pictures and everyone would laugh and I was cool and people wouldn't beat me up. But now it seems I dread painting, every second holding the pencils, pens, brushes and whatnot is a tense and uncomfortable experience in which I'm just WAITING to fuck it all up proving myself to be a total fraud. Good thing I was cursed with a triple helping of self-delusion or I'd never do it.

Anyway, I still do the occasional painting when the group shows come calling and one recently did. They requested one of my images to be used on the flyer to advertise the event and rather than sending a scan of just the art itself I decided to use my new 8 megapixel camera to take a picture of it in it's frame -- I edit my frames to be part of the artwork so it's totally appropriate. Besides, they look cooler in their frames.

After taking the picture I decided I liked it enough to pull the other paintings off my wall in my bedroom and photograph them too...

So -- I'm gonna post'em. Here they are in order. Click on them for bigger versions.



I did this one for the giant local radio show with all the latest greatest bands. I think this one was for Beck, Korn, and like ten other bands. You know how those shows go. The concert as you'll see became an annual event.



If you're a genius you'll fegro out that I like to mock musicians doing big corporate radio station shows. My clients seem to enjoy being mocked and that's good because truthfully it's the only way I can ever bear having clients in the first place. Oh yeah, and money.







This one I did for the poster to promote my friends No Doubt when I promoted them at The Delta Center in SLC when they became huge with their Tragic Kingdom album. It was the first of my huge arena shows that I promoted. Tom Dumont actually owns this painting because I traded it to him for the guitar he used on their big giant hit "Don't Speak." Whenever Tom is in town he likes to take people to my room and show people his painting while complaining that I don't ship it to him. The reason I don't is simple, I picked up the guitar, he can pick up the painting. Fair is fair.









This one I did for the No Doubt Return of Saturn tour. That was when No Doubt took a dip in popularity and we ran out of money because ticket sales were SHIT so we didn't end up spending the money on expensive posters. That was the LAST of my big huge arena shows.

Even though I hate painting, I do get some satisfaction from it so I'm gonna try to do more this year. So THERE.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught jabbing yourself in the adam's apple with a frozen pig jaw and complaining that you hate it when you obviously must like it or you wouldn't be doing it DICKCHIN.
Your Cheese Flavored Particle Accelerator,
Marie Osmond

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

Aw! The benfits of being up and going at 7:30 am. I get to comment first. FUCKERS!

Anyhoo- I love the donkey one. In fact, I'd buy it. You should paint more often. You have a good eye for detail and your work is emotional. Paint more! I likes them!

Have a good one Fuckers! WOOT!

word veri- opsun
Hey mister! Do I have the opsun of seeing more pretty pictures? Huh mister? Huh, Huh, HUH?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yeah well the benefit os not going to BED until 7:30 is that I get to RESPOND!

For me to paint more would require more deadlines. I need to get back into the group show circuit. otherwise all the other art i do comes forst cuz it's more FUN.

I have a couple of kid's style books written just waiting for my lazy ass to illustrate them too.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

very cool stuff man...I'm killing myself later

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

Photography is also very pleasing to the ego. You can make yourself look hot.

I would like your paintings to be my postage stamps for the entire year. I bet you would make neato world's fair posters. They should commission you.

 

Anonymous C Ro is a gaywad.

What I wouldn't give to see a Merkley??? Children's book.

Oh the possibilities.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

by edit the frames you mean sdd the embelishments? Is it wood embelishments? Are you carving too, or am I missing something?

I like the Tragic King best. Do the oranges have anything to do with the No Doubt video where Gwen poses at the end with an orange? ("Don't Speak") I wish you would feature only one painting at a time and explain all the minute details and inside info, there is so much in each one, I want to understand it all. Maybe you should teach a Merkley??? Art Appreciation Course at the local U., and by local, I mean here.

 

Blogger Tumbleweed is a gaywad.

The fact you're a better artist than me makes me hot! Are you single?? That's some damn fine work! I would never embare-ass myself by posting mine.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

You should paint with poop.

It would be art and a poop joke.. at the same time!

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i know exactly what you mean about painting. i don't do it as much as i'd like to, and when i actually get some time to do it, there's about a hundred billion other things that need doing too (like laundry, or clearning out the cat litter box), so it usually gets put on the back burner. I'm not sure why since i HATE cleaning out the litter.

by the way, i think your paintings are beautifully intricate and look forward to seeing more. you know, whenever you get around to it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Calzone,
i can see that you are dead no -- so i'm guessing you wont mind if i take your tape deck and portable cd player and ziploc baggie collection.
=====================


Hahree,
I agree about photography!
there is now a program that allows you to print your own stamps. we live in the future.
================


C Ro,
yeah, i need to get movin on that shit. the stories are pretyy retarded and somewhat educational in a "you should think more like i do" kinda way.
=====================



Wendy,
yeah, i add stuff to old frames -- the little sculptural elements that look like they were done by a novice craftsman in a hurry -- those are my parts.
====================



Tumbleweed,
ha ha -- thanks! i think you should post yours.
====================


Allison Quick the Assassin Chick,
that's a good idea allison. i think i'll start putting a little poop in the varnish. too bad i am accustomed to breathing.
====================


poopee shmoopee,
thanks poops -- post some of yours too!

 

Blogger Bill the Apostle is a gaywad.

Good luck in hell

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Thanks BILL!
do you need a ride?

 

Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

So you paint, produce bands, and take pictures of naked and half way naked chicks. And you’re good at all of the above. Is there anything you don’t do? If I find out that you also direct midget porn on the side, that’s it I’ll end it all right now! But for real for real nice art work…… homo


holla

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

If you publish a children's book i will get pregnant just so i can read it to my kids.

 

Anonymous EYGUZS is a gaywad.

I know what the oranges represent. I do, I do. But I'm not tellin you Wendy.

Painting is ONE BIG PAIN IN THE ASS SHOW!

But that said:

www.szugye.com

Great Art!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Szuge,
thanks for remindiong me that i forgot to answer wendy's question.
wendy, no doubt is from orange county -- they used oranges in all of their imagry back then and i just followed suit. if you ask me, the painting and concept is a total hack job. i've never really liked that painting all that much because i didn't really attempt to say anything with it.
==================

Virgle Kent,
midget porn directing is easily my first and foremost talent. you might say that when i direct humping midgets it's as if the hand of god descends from heaven an fiddles everyones nutts.

it is my one true gift. other than that, i am a one trick pony -- art being the trick.
==================

gabrielle,
well now that i have that in writing i'll get crackin.
==================

 

Blogger Danny is a gaywad.

Ok, I've looked at this post like eight times, but haven't commented yet. I'm trying to figure out why, but the biggest reason is that I don't get the instant satisfaction of seeing my comment on your blog. Why do people have to ruin everything?

Dude, your paintings rock, blah blah blah blah. What I really want to know is did you nail Gwen?

Also, if your done with Zone's tape deck, can I borrow it? You sent me those tapes you made when you were thirteen but I haven't been able to play them yet.

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

I didn't get a fucking ride to hell.

what the fuck?

 

Post a Comment

January 09, 2006

If I was Big Fat Louie Anderson's Screetchy Sphincter...

If I was a Chair Recently Owned By Louie Anderson I would probably smell like mustard or refried bean poop and my legs would probably hurt like hell and you just KNOW he thought the name of the show was The Family FOOD when he auditioned and that he was suuuper bummed when he found out he had to stand up the whole time.





If I was a Squeeze Bottle of Mustard With Barely Enough Mustard Left That You Have To Shake The Crap Out of it Just To Barely Get A Teensie Bit Of Mustard to Spray Onto Your Gay Looking Hot Dog, I'd say; "Hey everybody, listen to me impersonate a pissed off dolphin!"





If I was a Dolphin Just Hanging Out at a Human Picnic, every time some smartass started squeezing the empty mustard bottle trying sound like me I'd say in my best retard voice "Hey everybody look at me, I'm a total douchebag who thinks mustard bottle dolphin jokes are HIGH LARRY US..." then I'd shoot a cold raw hot dog slathered with refried beans and mustard out my blow hole and then I'd drool or make some spit bubbles that would drip down my snout thingy.





If I was The Internet's Latest Porn Craze, I'd be a website filled with tons of close up shots and videos of mustard slathered raw hot dogs going in and out of dolphin's blow holes in slow motion with microphones that pick up the sound really good. Oh yeah, plus refried beans.





If I was Big Fat Louie Anderson's Screetchy Sphincter, I may as well have dried up crusty mustard all cracked and stuck to the skin and hair in my immediate vicinity because it's totally easy to imagine and most people probably already assume it looks something like that and it's also easy to imagine that I would sound like a dolphin or humpback whale when I released Louie's hot poisonous winds. A tattoo above me that read "refried beans" with an arrow pointed at me would be cool too.





If I was a Chair Recently Used By Pamela Anderson I'd probably be glad that chairs can't get hepatitis C.




That's all for now.
Don't get caught screaming for Moesha when you SHOULD be screaming for LESSesha!
Your Dimestore Variety Nuclear Jizzicist,
Bjørk

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous The Ghost of Professor Leotus Clouse and The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

We all know Pam is gonna beat Hiptitties-C like Magic beat HIV
Crahp, I gotta rumbly in my tumbly for some dolphin dogs.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

National Mustard Day is celebrated in Mount Horeb, Wisconsin--home of the Mustard Museum--which is owned by a man who was so smitten with my mother that he gave her a t-shirt that says "Mustard Happens!" which she regifted unto me.



I think both he and my mother would cry upon reading this post.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

This is bullshit. I told you I was going to do a post writing about what it might be like being Louie Andersons asshole.

Why don't you go write for the NY times you thieving fuck.

Oh and happy new year!!!!

TTYL!

 

Blogger jiggs is a gaywad.

If I were a rich man,

I'd build a big tall house with rooms by the dozen, Right in the middle of the town. A fine tin roof with real wooden floors below. There would be one long staircase just going up, And one even longer coming down, And one more leading nowhere, just for show.

I'd fill my yard with chicks and turkeys and geese and ducks For the town to see and hear. And each loud "cheep" and "squawk" and "honk" and "quack" Would land like a trumpet on the ear, As if to say "Here lives a wealthy man."

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

I've totally got a hotdog-mustard-blowhole fetish. With beans.

Who's Louie Anderson?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

The Ghost of Professor Leotus Clouse and The Duke of Sweet Cheeks,
magic didn't beat AIDS. he's dead. the dude that is pretedning to be magic is a robot invented by halliburton to help george bush kill all blacks.
==================


gaby,
the website for the museum was the inspiration for this gay post. that's where i got the photo of the old women on accordions.
your mom is one lucky woman.

mustard is my favorite color maybe.
===================

Calzone,
dude, you didn't tell me you were gonna write abouut it. if you remember right, you were just explaining what your hot dog felt like in his bun -- that's totally different. you can still write about your personal experiences -- mine was fantasy, yours was real --way different.
===================



Allison Quick the Assassin Chick,

Who's Louie Anderson?

this guy

 

Blogger Tumbleweed is a gaywad.

Damn you're funny. That's sad about Pamela...whore! I hope Calzone does some Louie stuff too.

 

Anonymous melina is a gaywad.

hey merkley, can we have a spazz typing day, sponsored and approved only on YOUR blog, again pretty soon? the new year is already wearing a bit thin on day 10 of 2006...

and, french's mustard is the only mustard to be zig-zagged on MY weenies.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

mmmmmmm refried beans and mustard sphincters, my fave.

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

That's right...I forgot..Sorry about that New York Times crack. I've been hitting the pills pretty heavy lately.

 

Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

Merkley???, I find myself telling people about you web page but I can't even begin to explain it.For the first time in my life I'm actually speechless. Why, in hell do you make me laugh? I think it's because I can read between the lines and your implication, your out and out display of word play and mind fuck is so relevant. All I can say is Quid Pro Quo. You make me crazy which is a good thing if you're insane already, ya know? Keep hookin'-n-jivin'.Damn this wine!I'm mesmorized!!

 

Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

Oh and by the way I love mustard smeared in the folds of my skin, it comforts me and makes me think of Coney Island.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

haha. musTURD.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

was it louie anderson or john candy who had that cartoon about the fatass camp counselor and those kids at camp?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Tumbleweed,
Thanks weed! Sad Schmadd -- I think it's pretty fair that she has hep C all things considered.
====================


melina,
Hmmmmnnn, Spazz typing? like what -- like I tell you about your life n'shit like a fortune teller except that everything I say is absolutely dead on right?

hmmmn -- i'll consider that.
===================



Wendy,
Oh wendy, everything can't be your fave, I think you said that about turds and whatever other food ingredient i used the last time i told the same joke over and over just switching the food product.
===================



Calzone,
no prob dude -- I was lying anyway.
=================


BARBARA J.MOORE,
you are too kind barbara j. moore. too kind indeed. you are however, 100% correct! thanks for noticing.
===================


poopee shmoopee,
i think subconsciously i made this whole post so i could say that word.
===================


Francine Ocelot,
that was louie anderson. that's why it sucked.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Fine, I hate mustard, I hate sphincters, and I, well I still love refried beans...But, you keep telling the same damn jokes, I am going to keep having the same damn responses. Poop head.

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

do you mean screaming AICHA?! that's what I thought.

 

Blogger Danny is a gaywad.

I've been working out for you Merks. Am I sexy enough for you yet?

 

Blogger crusher is a gaywad.

I thought I'd find a coupon for coney dogs in here... this is complete bullshit!

 

Post a Comment

January 02, 2006

Guess Who Doesn't Feel Like Being Funny or Talking About Poop Today

You guessed it! YOU!

Just kidding, you were right, it's me. BUT!!, as compensation, I am going to break with tradition and post some pictures of actual boobs with nipples and everything. I know, I usually try to do the PG-13 photo that makes you think Rated R or X stuff, but saturday, Emily, who is visiting from NYC, came over with a gnarly cut on her hand that had been stitched up all white trash style and we decided to document the injury with it's own photo shoot. We both agreed that topless was far more trash rock than not and I think the photos are too cool to not post.

SO SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!


Emily- Scar & Smoke



Emily Scar Deitada



Emily at Merkley???'s Bar



Emily & Butterface



Emily - Bird


Also, I am totally excited about my other blog about my sleep time adventures. There are gonna be lots of things to read over there from now on -- you can count on it. I'm writing them down as fact rather than fiction so hopefully it won't be boring. Last night's adventure is called: Sheistey Burt Reynolds, Fat Woman Butt and Pig in a Poncho Fantastic. Sheesh, what am I saying? false modesty is the only boring thing around here. MY DREAMS ARE FANTASTIC!

That's all for now!
Don't get caught saying stuff like "Wow, those stitches are gnarly, we should totally take pictures of them. Now take off your shirt!"
Your Soggy Pole Vaulting Second Runner Up Ribbon Winner,
Tipper Gore

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

sorry everybody.
i had to turn comment moderation on. there has been an unwelcome person leaving comments for the last ten months. i have tried being nice, i have tried being mean, i have tried ignoring this person, i have tried confronting this person but no matter what i do, this person demands my attention. this person doesn not realize that being a decent person means knowing when to leave someone alone. this person is in need of some professional help. i hope this person gets said help.

i can't be spending all day deleting this persons dozens of deluded comments and pleas for attention nor do i wish this blog to beome a forum for this person's need for attention, so until blogger gets it's shit together and makes ip blocking an option, i guess i'll be moderating comments like a fucking school principal or some shit.

some people wreck stuff for everybody. this is not a trait of a good person, i think we can all agree on that.

also, if anyone knows who i'm talking about, i'd prefer it if we all just ignored that person.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

this person should also know that their comments will be deleted unread.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

see, now those are nipples you can hang a candy cane on...if you have no idea what I am talking about, it's on me blog.

I totally dig the horror of wound pics, I always take pictures of my hiking injuries and cuts and surgery stitches n shit. Good stuff.

Awwwww! Butterface! at first it looked like she was jumping out of Emily's netherlands...

 

Anonymous littlesnopeep is a gaywad.

What camera do you use for your photos, and what main tools in photoshop do you use for getting those wikkid effects?
Damn merks you look hot today in the blogger profile picture, what with all your pretty blonde hair and pink glamor shots photo....all snazzy n shit.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

snowpee
cameras vary and have little to do with the final result.
tools in photoshop
lasso
blur
contrast
cloror balance
saturation
selective color

and time and attention to detail

thats about it

 

Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

My friend you just took this shit to another level! Shit just got real around herrrr. Now that’s how you start 2006.

P.S I think I have a new favorite.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Cut up hands are cool.
ALMOST better than poop.

I've gotta learn to use photoshop to fix the ass-awful pictures on my blog.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

the first one and the one with butterface are awesome awesome awesome. bloody scars are the bound feet of america.

 

Blogger Danny is a gaywad.

Great! Now I'm gonna worry all the time that my comments won't "pass the test".

Fuck man, You have so much control now. And I'm not sure if it's ok for me to mention that I'm totally hard right now since you posted those pictures, and since Baster is in my ass.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

wendy,
maybe butterface WAS jumping out of emily's netherland.

====================

Virgle Kent,
I knew you'd like those.
====================



Allison Quick the Assassin Chick,
so you can see why we had to photograph them.
====================



Danny,
you are right to worry danny, you know what a prude i can be.
====================

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

That shits hot dog. Blood. the only thing hotter is if she were waering her vagina for a hat. Now that's the shit that will get your name out there dilly

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

calzone,
funny you should say that, i mentioned the same thing to her about the hat but she just sprayed me with lysol and didnt respond, i took it as meaning NO.

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

sweet cans and pirate/nautical tattoos are two of my favorite things. therefore this post is total awesome.

 

Blogger Malicia is a gaywad.

Lovely work...if only your penis got in the corner of one of the shots.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

lyds,
thanks. coming from someone with enormous cans, that means a lot.

tear falls on ant. kills ant. tear is acid.
==================

malicia,
i told her if she wasn't nice i'd photoshop one hundred penises of all variety all over her body.
then she kicked my balls. (which were in my pants by the way.)
===================

 

Blogger Tumbleweed is a gaywad.

I am too impressed to even be a smart ass! I truely love those photos, you are incredible. I don't just say that to anyone. WOW!! I am totally using those photoshop tools on some of my photography. Thanks for the inspiration!!

 

Blogger ing is a gaywad.

Your blog is soooo cool-looking!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

tumbleweed,
THANKS! come back all the time.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ing,
Thanks to you too. too bad it smells like crap!

 

Blogger jiggs is a gaywad.

I once went onto somebody's blog and everyday told them about how small my penis was (this lasted a fortnight). I thought this activity was hilarious, but she got progressively more pissed at me.

One day I decided a whole day of their blog's comments should revolve around my penis and how extremely little it is. That pissed this person off real good and then I felt guilty and I stopped.

The pics are sweet.

 

Blogger Table Mountains is a gaywad.

hi from an old guy in newfoundland.i dabble in photoshop also.great pics.im your new fan : )

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

yay. more photos of you getting the finger please!!!!

 

Blogger ing is a gaywad.

Good for the crops, though.

 

Blogger Monkey is a gaywad.

Gorgeous photos and now I'm in love with your friend.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

i vote more boobs & more butterface on your blog.


word verification: agtmlt. agent melt! my new alter ego! sweet.

-gaby

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Table Mountains,
thanks for commenting table dude!
====================


poopee shmoopee,
i told her "do what you'd do if i were poopee shmoopee --- sorry dude. i mean -- congratulations ---- dude.
===================


ing,
craps for crops.
===================


Monkey,
are you a dyke? i'm tellin calzone -- he'll be stoked.
===================


gaby
me too.
===================

 

Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

I wouldn't hang out with a Betty that didn't like boobs.

Hey..you been over to Willy Jo's? Only one person has voted for you to be fucked in the ass by him.

I'd be pissed.

 

Blogger raymi lauren is a gaywad.

i like her anchor tatto. how did she get them stitches? merkley is a bum pirate.

 

Blogger jiggs is a gaywad.

The gulf in coolness between you and I is astounding. You get women to come over to your house and photograph them topless while I sit by myself and watch mythbusters.

they are sweet pics, though.

 

Blogger kellywalters is a gaywad.

wow...

seriously..

how fucking hot is she...

I wish she was in on the contest.. I would be trying harder..

hot damn

 

Blogger jiggs is a gaywad.

poo!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

merkley??? said...
Calzone,
that's terrible news -- i'm going over there to claim my rightful butthump
==================


raymi,
I may be a bum pirate but your finger smells like poop -- smae diff. pants crapper.
==================


RoxiMoon,
what contest? and
==================

ha ha BEST word verification EVER!
no shit" VAGNLAW

vagina in law -- that's fucking awesome.

 

Anonymous The Hatter. is a gaywad.

Merkley .........you my friend are a Genious I love your art work and creative works. And I love how to rip a new asshole in someone who is moronoic and deserves it. Its genious and brilliant being a Poet and Artist myself I ran across your site by typing random nonsense in Google. I am a bit insane but I know where I am going with my mind. . . . Whats left of it anyway. I should have posted before but I just do not like to talk much. Keep up the good work and the brilliant works of art It's inspiring and delightful to read. I will respond sometime in future if I feel the need to. .......your friend Captain Dickbox.

 

Anonymous The Hatter is a gaywad.

Merkley .........you my friend are a Genious I love your art work and creative works. And I love how to rip a new asshole in someone who is moronoic and deserves it. Its genious and brilliant being a Poet and Artist myself I ran across your site by typing random nonsense in Google. I am a bit insane but I know where I am going with my mind. . . . Whats left of it anyway. I should have posted before but I just do not like to talk much. Keep up the good work and the brilliant works of art It's inspiring and delightful to read. I will respond sometime in future if I feel the need to. .......your friend Captain Dickbox.

 

Blogger Monkey is a gaywad.

I've always played for both teams Merkley???

Hence my enormous hoo-hah even though I am clearly, a boy.

 

Anonymous Casey is a gaywad.

I turned you in to the blogspot.com for having an obscene blog. Have a good day Jerk.

 

Anonymous Casey is a gaywad.

I turned you in to the blogspot.com for having an obscene blog. Have a good day Jerk.

 

Anonymous Casey is a gaywad.

I turned you in to the blogspot.com for having an obscene blog. Have a good day Jerk.

 

Blogger Deadpool is a gaywad.

merkley hi. nice to meet you...ummm i'm not sure if you can tell, but in that pic of the jamesons irish whiskey (the best whiskey out there i might add) you can see a topless girl in the foreground.

not sure if you were aware.

regardless jamesons and topless girls are a great couple.

 

Blogger fish hat!!! is a gaywad.

Casey- are you so ashamed of your own body that any nude portraits are instantly deemed obscene? Maybe you could just use your freedom of choice to stay the fuck off the blog? Meanwhile, I am pretty sure merkley hosts this off his threequestionmarks server so your threatening to report him just heightens the impression that you don't know what the fuck is going on. Even if blogger agreed with your sad sheltered opinion, merkley could switch to wordpress or what the fuck ever in a day or so...Did I already say that you should probably choke on it?... well, either way, you probably should choke on it- "it" can be anything you choose so long as you choke on it... So there you go, get choking...

Merkley- These shots are awesome. I have nicked more than one of your photoshop tricks recently and have become quite a fan of your work... for what that's worth.

Oh yeah- cute dog...

...and if casey was the person who shouldn't get any attention- my apologies...

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

The Hatter,
hey -- thanks for all the kind words and stuff. take off your pants and hang out or somethin. -- don't take off your shoes though. the floor is pretty dirty. lots of pee dribbles.
================

Monkey,
well thats definitely one more solid reason to like you. i'm not gonna lie.
====================


Casey,
THANKS!
===================


Casey,
I hope they like my blog! is that like a nomination or something? "the jerk" is one of my FAVORITE movies. thanks for tghe comarison. i'm honored -- but not worthy.
==================


Casey,
You nominated me THREE TIMES? is that against the rules? I hope you didn't blow my chances -- crap -- now I'm worried.

dear blogger awards people,
please disregard the attempted ballot box stuffing from a person named casey, she is only a very recent fan of my work and has not yet been to any of the fan club meetings wherein it is clearly explained that over excitement can lead to junk like cheating and ballot box stuffing as well as sometimes a little pee dribble on the floor which only makes it so other guests have to keep their shoes on. i realize this bums you guys the fuck out n'shit but don't be bummed -- she's just new.

anyway blogger -- cool idea -- you know -- blogs njunk.

merkley???

i hope that'll get me back in good graces with the awards commitee.

look casey -- no harm no foul, now come over for a hug and a pat down -- you know -- to check for weapons. gotta have your weapons casey. CASEY!
=======================


Deadpool,
i agree with everything you said -- like a lot.
===================

fish hat!!!,

hey you bastard! nice to see you.
for any of you that dont know fishpants, he and i had a very entertaining blog fight once over at his place -- he was a pretty good opponent for the most part, i mean he did keep calling me fat and stuff and that of course is always a super cool burn, but towards the end he just wasn't mean enough so i had to step in and whisper in is ear some really good ways to insult me so it would actually hurt. turns out he's too nice a guy to really be mean -- i suppose that's a good thing. mean people are overrated -- besides, mean people are just sad people who feel way too much love and stuff. most of them are fags. true. not me though. not REALLY.

anyway, i think we should cut casey some slack. i went to her blog called "alone in tacoma" and i cried for like 4 days -- she was recently dumped by numerous men and she is at a very confusing state in her life. i think her ex may have dumped her for internet porn or something which might explain the hate directed at the four lovely boobs above. (read her "more about me" section. i'm sure she'd love emily. everybody loves emily. other than a few hang-ups here and there, she seems like a dynamite woman -- she's not fat -- so she's got that going for her.

anyway fishfeet!!! -- i think you should go over to her blog and have a HUGE blog fight, and then you two can kiss and makeout, kinda like we did. don't be too mean -- i think she's kinda fragile right now. maybe establish a SAFE word first.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

looks like casey removed the link to her blog

here's the blog

here's the brief introduction

as willy jo would say, bring some terlet paper. you definitley might get a little misty.

 

Blogger fish hat!!! is a gaywad.

In all honesty, I would much rather have a web fight with you- but who can stay mad at that face?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

and besides, from her latest post, it seems she may have been the victim of a prank in which someone was leaving comments as her. sounds like something danny, baster or clazone would do. if it was -- that's a pretty good joke fellas.

 

Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

I had something to say, then I read Calzone's comment and I can't get the image of a vagina hat out of my head. Thanks a lot, pasta dragon.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

great,
now i'm singing the melliferous pants song again.
thanks a lot pasta dragon.

 

Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

How does the Melliferous Pants song go?

My pants want to know.

 

Blogger St. Francis is a gaywad.

Calzone doesn't pull shit like that he's a righteous motherfucker.

I wish I could be more like him.

 

Blogger Mike is a gaywad.

Wow, not sure how I made it here, but this is great! Nice job!

 

Blogger St. Francis is a gaywad.

I'm sorry if I hurt you

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Melliferous Pants,
it goes; Melliferous Pants, Melliferous Paaants, Meeeelliferous Pants,Melliiiiiferous Pants, Mellifeeeeeerous Pants, Melliferooooous Paaaaants, Mmmmmelliferous Pannnnnnts, Meeeeelliferous Pants, Melllllllliferous P p p p p p ants, Melliferouuuuuuus Pantsssssssssah, Mmmmmmelliferous Pannnnnnnnts, Melliiiiiiiferous Paaaaaaants, Meeeeeeelliferous Pannnnnnts, Melliferrrrrrrrrrous Pants, Mellllllllllliferous Pants, Melliferouuuuuuuus Pants, Melliffffffffffffferous Pantttttts, Melliferooooooooous Pants, Melliferrrrrrrrrous Paaaaaaaaants, Melliferous Pants
===============

St. Francis,
me too.
=============



Mike,
thanks dudes.
=================



St. Francis,
you didn't hurt me very much.

 

Blogger St. Francis is a gaywad.

I really feel like I did.

 

Anonymous The Hatter is a gaywad.

Eh no problem. I would rather take off my skin and scare children as a fleshy bag of greasy bones. Tis always okay though. Maybe I will go write a book THE ILLUSTRATED HISTORY OF FOLDING CHAIRS BY SOME ASSHOLE WHO NOBODY KNOWS! Chairs suck...........I have come to realize I am mentally insane. Yet I accept it but at the same time Mentally ill people do not know they are Ill.....Guess I am the first of my kind. I will shut up now .......And now the offended monkeys will riot, crapping in their hands and randomly throwing at passers yeah........Monkeys rule.

 

Anonymous The Hatter is a gaywad.

Eh no problem. I would rather take off my skin and scare children as a fleshy bag of greasy bones. Tis always okay though. Maybe I will go write a book THE ILLUSTRATED HISTORY OF FOLDING CHAIRS BY SOME ASSHOLE WHO NOBODY KNOWS! Chairs suck...........I have come to realize I am mentally insane. Yet I accept it but at the same time Mentally ill people do not know they are Ill.....Guess I am the first of my kind. I will shut up now .......And now the offended monkeys will riot, crapping in their hands and randomly throwing at passers yeah........Monkeys rule.

 

Anonymous cindy is a gaywad.

Alright, you know I love the boobs. Very nice job.
But dude, why all the compassion for that 'Casey' chick? I so wish you hadn't reposted the link to her blog cause you know I was forced to see what would possibly have you suggesting to bring some 'tertlet paper' with you. Since this is your poopy cool blog I'll refrain from expressing too many thoughts on her, but suffice it to say, her blog made me want to vomit.
Anyway, if you ever want to photograph some more nude jugs, please add me to the waitlist, as I'm sure there is one.

 

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