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February 28, 2006

Tutorial: How To Yank A Drunken Beligerant Merkley Out of The Darkness and Back Into The Light

In response to the last post I made about my sometimes inexcuseable beligerant drunken behavior, I have decided to write this very simple tutorial about what to do if you find yourself in the highly esteemed position otherwise known as one of my innocent victims.

Turns out, it's not very hard to pull me out of the darkness and back into the light.

Whether it be in person or beligerant electronic communication, it goes something like this, you do the "innocent victim friend" part:

merkley??? says:

innocent victim friend says:
Oh Merkley, you are right, you really are awesome and nobody knows how to love like you. We could all stand to learn a thing or two from you. You are just drunk but still VERY HANDSOME. YOU RULE! (try to mean it)

merkley??? says:

innocent victim friend says:
No you are NOT a Dick. You just have so much love to give that sometimes you don't know where to channel it and it turns into something that looks like insecure rage.

merkley??? says:
You are the smartest person I ever met.

end scene

That's pretty much it.

While the above may seem way too simple to work, you'd be surprised at how quickly the cornball grimmace comes back on my face. Point is, it's really less of a big deal than some might think. It really only takes two or three seconds to make me feel loved and appreciated because I actually do believe in my own awesomeness and so when people point it out, I tend to believe that they believe it too because I mean -- who wouldn't? I mean COME ON.

Basically, when I am drunk, I may as well be a super beloved but slightly needy five year old retard. Treat me like that and I will be the happiest slightly needy 5 year old retard who ever slobbered on your shoulder. It will be well worth your time I guarantee it.

That's all for now,
Don't get caught waking up and thinking: "Ho Shit, to whom do I apologize first?"
Your Favorite Cast Member of The Hit Brodway Musical "CATS",
Bob Hope

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i believe in your awesomeness too, Your Awesomeness.


Blogger raymi lauren is a gaywad.

no ***YOU*** rule is the best


Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

But Merkley, you are the only one who knows how to love..


Blogger Danny is a gaywad.

yeah, yeah, yeah, you rule and shit like that. but the two chicks in that picture just made me blow a load in my pepsi. thanks, ass. Now I can't drink it.


Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

HE'S BACK BOYS AND GIRLS He's back!!! Im so happy!The two girls are the front runner for best of 06. Merkley Why do you holdout on us so??? and if you know women like that, how could you never feel loved? You greedy bastard!


Anonymous Jasmine is a gaywad.

Good god man, you are awesome!
Your pics are so rad, they make my head hurt.
I really like your style of blurring and saturating.
Does the technique have a name, can you give me any pointers, or recommend any tutorials?



Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks jasmine

yes, the technique is called "merklification" which is the act of merklifying or the result of being merklified.

i invented it because i am, as you so rightly pointed out AWESOME.


Anonymous Jasmine is a gaywad.

Wow, nevermind. I woulnd't want to emulate an arrogant prick anyway. A simple "I don't want to give away my secrets" would have sufficed.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dude. chill. i was joking. it's not like i'm about to give a tutorial in the comments section. it's a long process. i spend about 30 minutes to an hour on each photograph and i don't use any plug-ins. and each time it's slightly different.

i don't know of any tutorials because as far as i can see, i'm the only one that does it the way i do it.


feeling testy are we?


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Is It Some Weird Coincidence That The Opposite of MORON Is...


I don't know, that's the kind of crap I think about while drinking at the bar trying to figure out what woman is less likely to kill me if we had kids.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught keeping tabs.
Your most beautiful human being who perhaps ever lived and who epitomizes how you should live your life but probably will never be able to,
Don Knotts

Anonymous chrystal is a gaywad.

It took me 5 min's to get it - I believe that makes me a moron. Bloody hell..............

I still laughed my ass off though-thumbs up


Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

"less likely to kill you if you two had kids"! LOL!

You know, any woman who carries your seed will kill you, dead, dead, dead.


Anonymous BC Slais is a gaywad.

Congratulations, sir. You sound lonely.


Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

if you had kids they'd undoubtedly take a high price on the black market. you could sell them and then build a house made of solid gold and poop jokes. and i would come over sometimes to visit and have a tea party.


Blogger Danny is a gaywad.

Less off

like the opposite of cool, is danny. Where the epitomy of cool is merkley and marriedman combined.

I'm fucking lonely, hold me merks.


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February 21, 2006


This happens all the time:

Merkley goes out to a party or bar where he knows he will see all the lovely people he knows from any given scene. Occasionally he will go WITH someone or a group of someones but usually he likes to arrive solo so that he can leave whenever the fuck he wants. He'll have a few drinks and things will be awesome and he will be funny and charming and full of love and people will laugh and he will take pictures and everything will be hunky dory because people will be paying lots of special attention to him and he fucking lives for attention just like most of you motherfuckers. Many times the night ends when he feels like he's had enough or when a few people go back to his house and things wind down and everyone feels like something terrific happened and Merkley falls asleep with a smile on his face and everything is ALRIGHT.

This happens SOME of the time:

Everything happens the same as above but Merkley drinks a little too much and then he notices someone that he thinks should be paying attention to him but instead they are paying too much attention to someone else or some substance like cocaine, this person is not always a woman and accordingly not necessarily someone with whom Merkley wants any intimate contact. It's just someone who has not for the last 5 minutes acknowledged Merkley's awesomeness like they fucking should.

At this time Merkley will become obsessed with this grievous transgression of this callous ignorer of the 10 Billionth degree but he won't show it because that's not cool. He will usually retreat back into a darkened corner completely out of view or hide behind a pole, leaning, brooding and ignoring the rest of the people who are still trying to pay lots of loving attention to him. He will watch as this terrible, awful, insensitive devil person continues on having fun paying no attention to the fact that Merkley has dramatically retreated into a darkened corner completely out of view. -- Merkley becomes very annoyed by this and his drunken Merkley brain inside takes over and starts building an airtight case against this jerk of a person. Merkley will usually leave without saying goodbye -- he'll hail a cab and run off to get pizza and head for home completely abandoning his other friends and colleagues.

This is where it gets bad way too many times to be considered great.

As Merkley drunkenly brews about the terrible transgressions of this person or persons who stopped giving him the attention he deserves, he begins to notice that none of his other friends are with him and therefore they have all abandoned him TOO. The fact that he was the one who left is certainly of no concern to drunken Merkley. To drunken Merkley, the facts are, that whoever is not with him WHEN HE WANTS THEM TO BE has abandoned him. That's NOT COOL.

So what does Merkley do about that?


Shit. He did it. He sent a bunch of otherwise good and nice people resentful texts preaching to them about the shallowness of the coke scene and the fact that whoever they were talking to probably has one billion STDs because obviously everyone has their priorities out of whack except for drunken Merkley whose drunken definition of *hypocrisy* does not include preaching about substance abuse while wasted nor does his drunken definition of abandonment include him storming out of a lovely evening leaving his friends behind --- no, when Merkley leaves a party it's because the party abandoned HIM!

Merkley needs breathalyzer equipment hooked up to his phone so that it won't work when he is drunk.

Merkley is tired of sending morning after apology texts. Merkley's friends are tired of getting them.

Sometimes Merkley feels sorry for people who know him -- that is until he remembers how completely and utterly awesome he is then he just thinks they are lucky they get text messages from him at all because he is precisely that GREAT!

Maybe Merkley just needs new friends. Probably not though.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught thumping your penis on the table to get everyone's undivided attention.
Your Mom's Best Friend's Ex-Girlfriend's Brother's Favorite Blogger,
Santa Claus

Anonymous Bryan is a gaywad.

I love you Merkley, and I'll follow your ass to the grave. Great post.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks dude. but if you're a grave digger, i'd prefer to walk two paces behind you --- not that you'd push me in or anything -- but -- well -- you understand.


Blogger Melissa is a gaywad.

stop hanging around coke so much.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

in SF that means stay home. seriously, the whole town is on the stuff. it's a bum out. even the yuppies are coked out.


Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i thought about doing coke plenty of times but then i noticed that all the people i hung out with that were on coke were such assholes when they were on it. so i never ended up trying it. that and the fact that i'm a super square. except for all the chronic weed smoking.


Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

merkley, my friend brooke already made that drunk dialer preventor.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i'm squarer -- i didn't take my first sip of alcohol until I was 33 years old. I guess I'll start coke when I'm in my sixties


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

where is it -- how does it work -- where can i get one?


Blogger fish hat!!! is a gaywad.

Coke parties really complicate the bathroom lines. I'm no innocent, I'm just saying...

I wouldn't move to coke when I was sixty though. Seems like it would aggravate the numerous health problems I am planning on having.

The Athens people seem to go through phases where suddenly it isn't just the club owner doing it in the back, but everyone is, and then someone moves to New York to finish themselves off and everything goes back to normal. Well, and sometimes somebody dies- usually related to moving on to the "great and grand belushi death mixtures." Then there are like a bunch of retarded benefits and shows and then everyone forgets and sooner or later someone shows up, decides thay are a rock star in training and it comes back. Meanwhile, the fraternities seem to make sure it always sticks around as an option

I guess the point is- while you may have suffered a moment of, er, re-embarras-gret-ment, at least you won't have to look back and remember your "coke period..." cause I know for a fact that part sucks- Its like you can't get back to judging people for doing it for like five years, or at least not until you kill anyone who ever saw you do a line.


Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

coke is the bestest friend, bestest lover, bestest dog, bestest mother, bestest father and bestest everything. When you do that shit all else disappears, nothing and no one else matters. It is horrible and ruins lives and friendships. I am sorry your friends are coke addicts.


Anonymous Chrystal is a gaywad.

I've been reading your rants for the past 3 months and I just want to say I think you're a fucking genius!


Anonymous The Ghost of Professor Leotus Clouse and The Duke of Sweet Cheeks is a gaywad.

If you wait until your sixties, coke will probably be safe by then; it'll be over the counter. However, I'm not sure how it will interact with the viagra you're taking...


Anonymous melina is a gaywad.

Merkley? (???) This is one of your best posts evs because I think so many of us can relate to it.

I had an awful random text messaging fit a year ago after our lovely bartendress double-poured 151 & Coke (as in Coca-Cola) for me.

I was wondering why one of my bestest guy pals wasn't talking to me for a few days, and then he brought up the drunken TM I sent him. Um, I, uh, didn't remember that I group texted. Ouch.

The other kind of coke is bad and consider yourself fortunate you aren't ruining your sinus cavity from it's ab(use).


Blogger samir is a gaywad.

the key is to be the dude holding the stash... then everyone's your friend!


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

I still love you.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

fish hat!!!,
quit talking shit on michael stipe and that gay dude from B52's Michael stipe smells like hot onion garbage and that gay dude forgets his juke box money ALL THE TIME!!

good story though. good advice too.

sounds like you speak from experience.

thank you ma'am.

The Ghost of Professor Leotus Clouse and The Duke of Sweet Cheeks,
by the time that all happens, they'll have dick transplants -- shit, i'll probably be able to grow a new dick in a bowl.

i fegroed i wasn't the only one.

boy have i ever seen that. i dont think i want that kind of friend -- nobody gets shit talked on more than the local dealer.



Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

shes in production of it now, you'll have to talk to her. it limits phone usage-i think shes still trying to design it so its not some fucked up giant attachment headset thing. causethats what it is right now and its like...who is going to put some giant headset thing on whilst drunk so they dont communicate with others.

i have largely replaced drunken texting with drunken internet though. easier to type.


Anonymous Scar Tissue is a gaywad.

As for all the people who think that you're a genius, I say "Pffft!".

Cut off your ear, write a blog entry describing the pain, paint a painting of your bloody ear, take a photo of it, post it here...then I'll think that you're a genius. I'll wear a sandwichboard declaring your genius. Pain, dude, we want PAIN...

I want some coke!

Weed sounds good, too!

Exclamation marks are so faggy!

Do they even call it "weed" anymore? We called it "grass" when I was young. When GW talked about mowing "grass" to make ethanol, I snorted iced tea out of my nose.

Geez, it's been soooo long since I...

"Under The Bridge" would sound so good if one were high...

Btw, did you see what Tony Pierce said about you on 2-15-06?

He didn't spell your name right..."Merkly"...I guess he was afraid of a Technorati search.

Gossip, gossip, gossip.

I said I wasn't going to do this...

My comments enter at ???, but travel through a worm hole and end up elsewhere on the internet, don't they?



Blogger fish hat!!! is a gaywad.

I COMPLETELY agree... but I might add a sort of "fishiness" to the stipe fragrance...

It probably comes from some special icelandic shampoo made from synthetic lutefish extract that dates back to beowulf but now has a custom developed IKEA container that doubles as an enema dispenser...


Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

Merks, I don’t even know what to say. Damn I feel like I arrived at this party late and every ones passed out already. Who doesn’t get drunk and do stupid shit. Lord knows I’m the king of it. I do know this though, your real friends will understand that you were just drunk and didn’t mean half the shit you texted. So it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Now if your real friends try and have an intervention for you, then you might have a problem. If they ask you to chose between them and the drinking, don’t do what I did, be smart and choose them.


Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

I don't know what "text messaging" is but I do that other stuff too. Don't people realize that when I've left a party, drunk and without telling anyone, that means I want them all to come find me and tell me how much they love me? What a bunch of assholes.

P.S. Coke is the best, but I prefer cans to the 20-oz bottles. I know there's more in them, but it doesn't taste as good, am I right?


Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

that is why you need to dump the cell phone and find some other more creative ways to express your disappointment and revulsion to your friends. since i'm yet to buy a cell, i can't relate to texting or really drunk dialing for that matter, unless i'm in my house next to a land line and pissed.

next time it happens, just disappear like you usually do and as you're about to leave, scream out "THAT'S OKAY, I DIDN'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH A BUNCH OF COCK SMOKING SYPHILLITICS ANY OLD WAY!" and then slam the door for effect. And then open it back up and slam it again about 3 more times. And then kick it. And then leave.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yeah, headset no good. i think it should have more features than just block out. i find that i am really easy to turn around. i can be dark as coal, but , even when plastered, if someone shows even the slightest bit of humor and genuine concern for my faggy feelings, i turn into the huggiest most thankful human on earth.

what i need is some kind of mood indicator that blinks a big bright light that indicates "PAY ATTENTION TO ME, TREAT ME LIKE I AM A SPECIAL HUMAN, the second i start going drunk. since i am actually awesome and people consider me such, that small indication and or warning would certainly be sufficient. for example, i know this great woman who has the same drunk dark complex as i have, tonight she kept tapping me because she thought i was ignoring her. i told her:

"if at ANY TIME you feel i am not paying attention to you or that people are abusing your very awesome prescence YOU MUST tap me on the shoulder because I WOULD NEVER IGNORE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE AWESOME.

i didn't just say it because i want the same treatment, she IS awesome and i really feel like friends should know how each other works.

nothing worse than feeling ignored if you don't deserve it.

and let's face it. sometimes, we fucking deserve it. in those situations, we should move the fuck along and leave those poor motherfuckers we abused alone. it's the only thing a good humman can do.


Scar Tissue .
your comment was weird and awesome. thanks for alerting me to TP's comment. He is just angry because I think he sucks. I was wrong probably to call him out on his overall douchebaggy boringness, but hell, i can forgive and understand why raymi likes him, he should be able to be a man and see why raymi and i are such good pals.

seriously, we don't need to like ALL of our friends friends.

I should have held my toungue but holy SHIT that guy is a DOUCHE.

fish hat!!! . everyone in atlanta knows about stipe's stink. i have run into him five billion times as well, together we have NAILED his fragrance. i actually like fred schneider. i run into him now and then too. he DOESN'T STINK.

Virgle Kent.
you are cool. I don't think it's a REAL problem yet, but i will certainly heed your advice. my priorities still seem really in tact.

i do thank you for your concern. -- it's not gay.


Francine Ocelot.
i love you. you know the best way to handle everything. i will always do as you say. be careful because i will blame it on you as well.


Anonymous scar tissue is a gaywad.

He's just jealous.

I like Tony. He's no douche. He posts way more often than you do.

So, when are you going to write a book and sell it on Cafe Press, like Tony did? Instead of wasting your time on 10,000 blogs, write a goofy book.

I'd buy it.

I buy stupid stuff on the internet all the time.


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February 18, 2006

If You Think I Need You To Have A Fantastic IM Conversation, You Are Sadly Mistaken

merkley???: pssst
merkley???: hey
merkley???: bub
merkley???: psst
merkley???: you with the diaper
merkley???: wanna buy a watch?
merkley???: good deal
merkley???: real rolex
merkley???: 30 bux
merkley???: just for you
merkley???: no?
merkley???: i got designer hand bags
merkley???: real gucci
merkley???: prada
merkley???: no?
merkley???: i got some cold pizza
merkley???: no?
merkley???: left over chinese?
merkley???: how about one sock
merkley???: i got a good sock
merkley???: only one hole
merkley???: well two if you count the part where you put your foot in
merkley???: elastic is still good
merkley???: smells like ---
merkley???: ummmn
merkley???: dotitos
merkley???: good food product
merkley???: doritos that is
merkley???: not the sock
merkley???: don't eat the sock
merkley???: 5 bux
merkley???: whaddaya say?
merkley???: i'll take 3 bux
merkley???: 1 bux?
merkley???: ok
merkley???: i'll trade you for that napkin
merkley???: man
merkley???: you are a tough sell
merkley???: here
merkley???: you can have the sock
merkley???: happy birthday
merkley???: ok now move along
merkley???: you're scaring off customers
merkley???: don't make me call the cops

at this point the other person set their status to AWAY and you know that shit doesn't just happen automatically.

merkley???: i saw that
merkley???: ok i want my sock back now

That's all for now.
Don't get caught selling knock off expired deli meat or failing to recognize pure CHAT GENIUS!
Your Local Tennis Pro,
Sheila E.

Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

Hey ???,

It's been awhile. What did I miss?


Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

haha. i love doritos too!


Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

a little creepy a good, nice, way.


Blogger raymi lauren is a gaywad.

who were u trying to talk to


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

you missed nothing. nothing at all.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

well lick my foot then.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

your mom.


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February 16, 2006

Dave Chappelle Just May Be The Coolest Person Who Ever Lived

He ain't just a comedic genius, he's all kinds of other genius as well. I guess that should go without saying.

In case you missed him on Oprah, you can watch it here on which kicks ass btw.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught always making fun of the negroes when most of your heroes are in fact negroes.
Your Best Can Of Meat,
Dick Cheney's Hunting Buddy

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

he IS a genius. though oprah's just a LEEETLE cloying.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

oprah is an idiot. she didn't even know what the hell he was talking about but dave was too much of a gentleman to point out that her paraphrasing was way off mark.

i love it when a person understands where i am coming from and it's so easy to tell who does, nearly everyone who takes an opportunity to TELL me they know how i am and how i think usually makes the same gigantic mistakes that oprah makes in this interview.

most people just don't understand -- and it seems like the more they wish they did or think they do, the further off their observations really are.


Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

And here, I always thought he was a douche. Now I know... better.

Oprah is the douche...


Blogger Monkey is a gaywad.

As annoying as James Lipton can be, the interview on Inside the Actor's Studio was amazing, because James asked intelligent questions and just let Dave talk. It was the most interesting hour of TV I've seen in a while.

I belong to the cult of Dave Chappelle.


Blogger Monkey is a gaywad.

I'm gonna have a drink on Dave - and Merkley??? VERY soon!


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yeah lipton is a real douche but i imagine chappelle was great and insightful as usual. i need to hook the cable back up.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.



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February 14, 2006

13 Things To Write On A Homemade Valentine's Day Card

Lindsay bought a bunch of home made Valentine's Day card supplies and we sat around my living room watching DVDs as she glued and drew and every other thing you do to make a home made Valentines day card. Upon her asking for suggestions for what to write on the little doily hearts, I decided I should make some of my own. Here are 13 AWESOME SHIT THINGS TO WRITE ON A VALENTINES DAY DOILY HEART:

1. "Here you go faggot!" ---- Of course you say the same thing while handing it to your valentine because a good joke is twice as good if done twice.

2. "Ooooohkay crybaby, here's one for you too" -- Same type deal as the first one but this time to the pathetic fag standing next to the person you really like.

3. "Your hands are HUGE"

4. "Too bad this doily heart won't cure your herpes" -- Come on, you KNOW you know someone with herpes -- you can even give it to yourself.

5. "Tyler wants to suck your dick" -- give it to someone who knows someone named Tyler who is obviously gay but won't admit it.

6. "Lisa has Hepatitis C" -- Give it to someone who you know fucked a chick named Lisa -- DUH.

7. "I think your Hep-C is Sex-C" -- Yeah I already told that joke on this blog. SUCK IT.

8. "Suck my dick you BITCH" --Give this one to your sister or maybe some random negro gangster drug dealer.

9. "This heart doily cost me 4 cents -- ha ha you ain't worth SHIT!"

10. "Nice PIMPLE!" -- Obviously you give this one to someone with a big pimple.

11. "Holy SHIT you are DYKEY" -- Give this one to an ugly femmy dude who looks like Janet Reno.

12. "I fucked your girlfriend." -- Best given to a dyke whose girlfriend you fucked.

13. "Check out my boner" -- either have an actual boner or make it look like you have one or you can also give this to someone while hugging them and pressing your boner on their leg -- also, best if you give it to your sister or a murderer.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught with Tuna Hands.
Your Momma,
Betty White

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

This was a very funny post. I laughed out loud! Really!


Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

This post would totally be better with pictures of the Valentines you made. Not that I like to complain or anything.


Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i love the sex-c joke. use it as often as you like.


Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

I need number 4 and 6 stat! It's not for me um its for my roomates. holla


Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

I missed the 2006 boat but I am so making "Too bad this doily heart won't cure your herpes" Valentines next year.


Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

You need to market that shit, yo!

wv: aunily
(I'm not lyin')


Blogger yanalog is a gaywad.

oh, how I love those viral valentines! shit, how come you didn't send me the sex-c ONE? hmmm...?


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February 10, 2006

Why'd Yer Sister Put Her Lips On My Nutts and Say Ding Dong?

Because she wanted to be the BELL of my BALLS.

She really should just get dressed up and go here tonight instead, her lips are all chappy and sand papery and now my balls feel stupid.

check out the host -- that's me -- guess what that means -- you buy me drinks and I get wasted and act AWESOME -- as usual.

click on these fuckers to see them all big n'shit.

That's all for now
Don't get caught saying stuff like BangDick and BangWeen and BangSchlong because it's really only kinda funny.
Your Master of Square-emonies,
Connie Chung

Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

OK merkley??? what would you like to drink? How 'bout a Kamakazee or a Volcano that's sure to get ya in the mood. I just wanna watch. Yea, I guess that makes me a freak. I learned many a lesson from those chapped lips ya get when ya...


Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.



Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

dude that shits totally funny


Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

I prefer "bangWeeeg", but that's just me.

Happy Valium-Lines Day!


Blogger Tumbleweed is a gaywad.

How about Bangcooch? I have never had chapped lips, what's that?


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

drink? i usually order whiskey coke. when they say what kind of whiskey, i always say the worst well whiskey you got. bar tenders always like that because they know that once you add soda there is no fucking difference. dumb chicks argue otherwise on account of their dumb chick status.

poopee shmoopee,
yay poopee! you're easy to please.

Squid Vicious,
i prefer huge amounts of free money sleep and super powers -- whatever -- i'm ---huh?

chapped lips? never? hmmmn -- liar.


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February 08, 2006

Special Emergency Announcement Regarding The Payment of Sins By Jesus H. Christ

You have to try what I'm about to tell you. Trust me -- it really works.

As it turns out, Jesus actually DID pay for our sins.

So I'm at this strip bar and this nasty stripper get's all up on my junk and she asks me

"You wanna lap dance baby?"

So I lower my voice and try to sound all saucy and naughty and I ask her;

"Well that depends, is a lap dance a sin?"

and she gets all saucy and naughty sounding right back and she says

"Ooooh, you better believe it baby"

and so I say

"Cool, --- Jesus paid for all my sins --- put it on his tab."

And it totally works!! --- FREE LAP DANCE!! But get this, it works with booze, hookers, cheap motels, really really expensive hotels, most kinds of chocolate (not white), pretty much anything that happens after midnight, everything in Vegas and edible underpants too!! Oh yeah --- and HBO!!! All free!!! Paid for by Jesus Christ!!! HALLELUJAH!!!

It truly is Christmas all year long so pour yourself some expensive fuckin' whiskey and raise your glass to Jesus. Afterall, it's all on his bill.

Weeeeeehooooooooo!!! THREE CHEERS FOR JESUS!!!

By the way, for you snobby wine lovers --- wine ain't a sin. You still gotta pay.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught reposting your Christmas email from like four billion years ago because you're too lazy to write something new.
Your Patron Saint of Pure Awesomeness,
Bryant Gumble

Disclaimer : If this doesn't work for you -- don't sue me -- sue Jesus -- direct all complaints and lawsuits to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (the Mormons) in SLC Utah.

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

what if i'm jewish? does it still count? because i'll be in vegas for the weekend and i'd like to know.

ps i need your help on a project.


Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

These's just some shit you gotta read to believe.

Jesus is over-rated. Islam has the better parties!


Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

I thought Jesus payed for my sins, but the check bounced. WTF he could at least break a brotha off with some food stamps, damn!


Blogger Ms. Robyn is a gaywad.

ummmm....i posted an old christmas email recently. i. am. so. embarassed.


Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

DUDE! It happened. My boss totally invited me to go to church on Sunday. He goes to the Latter Day Saints here in town. He is constantly staring at my boobs, seriously, do you think he wants me for his second wife?

What should I do and if I marry him do I have to have sex with my sister wife? (she isn't pretty) And, can Squid get another wife too? You know, to clean house and shit?


Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

I pooped in someone's lap, then Jesus gave me 18 bucks.


Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

I've considered suing Jesus. He robbed me of Saturday night sleepovers and playing on Sunday for the first eighteen years of my life.


Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

I'm so in love with you

Will you be my Nick Carter?


Blogger Jay V is a gaywad.



i need to try all these things when i go to vegas.

if they work i'm buying you a beer

by the way my had been deleted and replaced by in case you ever cared to read me and listen to the MP3s i post.

cuz lately i've been posting recitations of other blog entries. and yours are worthy of spoken word. for sure.


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February 01, 2006

A Tall Tear Jerker Tale of a Super Mad Sad Tan Girl and Her Terrible Tiny Tear Jerks

Once upon a slime there was a Super Mad Sad Tan Girl who cried one thousand billion tears. Each little tear was so mad sad pissed that when they slipped and sloshed to the ground they all started beating the crap out of each other, kicking each other in their tear balls and punching each other in their tear boobs. It's a well known fact that The Super Mad Sad Tan Girl's tears can actually bleed so when her mad sad tears began slicing each other's tear throats, well, the blood bubbled and sprayed out all over the place.

The Super Mad Sad Tan Girl raised her soggy head just in time to not float away in the river of tear blood. When she saw all the comotion she focused her foggy tear soaked gaze on this one Little Tiny Baby Blurry Tear that was trying to keep two older gigantic tears from blowing each other's brains out. The Little Tiny Baby Blurry Tear was trying to hold back The Bigger Badder Tear who had forty machine guns pointed at the transparent dick of the other Bigger Badder Tear. Seeing this drama, The Super Mad Sad Tan Girl for one nanosecond forgot why she was crying in the first place because just then she noticed that the The Bigger Badder Tear With The Forty Machine Guns had inadvertantly dislodged the pins from the two thousand shit grenades he had in his left pocket which was precisely one millimeter away from The Little Tiny Baby Blurry Tear's right eyeball.

The Super Mad Sad Tan Girl yelled:

"Watch out Little Tiny Baby Blurry Tear!! This place is gonna blow!!"

The Little Tiny Baby Blurry Tear turned to The Super Mad Sad Tan Girl and with tears welled up in her own little tiny baby tear eyes (yes that's possible) The Little Tiny Baby Blurry Tear said in her tiny little voice:

"But Super Mad Sad Tan Girl, we're just doing what you wanted. We only want you to be happ----..."

Just then The Bigger Badder Tear's two thousand shit grenades blew up --- completely evaporating every tear and drop of tear blood within two inches (tears are very small you know - two inches is huge to a tear). The Bigger Badder Tears, The Little Tiny Baby Blurry Tear, the tear blood, and shit grenades all turned into a cute little, albeit slightly stinky, puff of steam which floated right up The Super Mad Sad Tan Girl's nose causing her to sneeze out a big tear soaked snot bubble that landed in the phone book highlighting one name and phone number.

Harold Powderblinker D.D.S 212-DRY-HEAD

The Super Mad Sad Tan Girl laughed for the first time in 100,000 years. She quickly picked up the phone and dialed as fast as her damp little pruny fingers could dial.

There was no answer, just an answering machine:

"You have reached the offices of Harry Powderblinker. He will be out of the office until the cows come home."

So picking up on the obvious message from the great forces at work The Super MadSad Tan Girl grew a beard, dried her eyes, moved to the country, raised cows, ate lots of steak, got lots of head from old women with no salivary glands and lived happily ever after.

For five minutes -- then it was back to crying.

The End.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught being so overcome with laziness that you begin to rape the comment sections of your Super Mad Sad Tan Girl MySpace friend for old shit you wrote when you were drunk and trying to cheer a sad bitch up.
Your Master of Scare-emonies,

Anonymous The Ghost of Professor Leotus Clouse and The Duke of Sweet Cheeks hopped up on adrenaline strips is a gaywad.

Tears make me so wet.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ba dum bump


Blogger yanalog is a gaywad.

This is merkley vicariously getting in touch with his emotional side via "super mad sad tan girl".

Shit, sounds like an estrogen party to me.


Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Snot bubble saves the day! Yay!


Blogger Danny is a gaywad.

Hinterlassen Sie Ihern Kommentar.

Sie Konnen Einige HTML-Tags verwenden, wie beispielsweise

Wahlen Sie Eine Identitat aus.

Ihr Blogger-Anzeigename

I don't know what the fuck that means, but basically, as with the rest of my life, my browser is fucked up, and I'm getting shit in german.

I want to punch tear boobs dude, totally.

I love you.


Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i hate being mad sad. my husband hates it too.


Blogger Calzone is a gaywad.

danny said he loved me too..I want him to watch me fuck his friend Lulu while he is tied up in the corner covered in his own excrement


Anonymous Billiam Bunks is a gaywad.

Massive, sweaty, elephant balls, with a monocle lodged in one of the big grey wrinkles to make it look sophisticated.

Thats what I'm talkin 'bout.


Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

i got mad sad in studio on friday. adam drew a picture of me in my green pants smoking and i freaked out, cried, then scribbled it out with a sharpie. then i was okay.

mad sadding is fun. good catharsis.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

estrogen -- what's that?

Allison Quick the Assassin Chick ,
snot bubbles are magic dude.

i love you too danny - in german even.

poopee shmoopee,
dude this was so not about menstruation.

ha ha -- poop.

Billiam Bunks,
why dont you just fucking blog again you aussie faghole.

gabrielle sarah ,
ok -- maybe i did write something about periods -- i wasn't trying to.


Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Tear boobs...

This post was all about me, wasn't it? Oh wait, sorry. I was channeling an "EVIL SPIRIT".

Ahhhh, I just farted. It's gone now, except I want to sing that line from the Cranberries, "Did you have to let it linger..."


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