Tutorial: How To Yank A Drunken Beligerant Merkley Out of The Darkness and Back Into The Light

In response to the last post I made about my sometimes inexcuseable beligerant drunken behavior, I have decided to write this very simple tutorial about what to do if you find yourself in the highly esteemed position otherwise known as one of my innocent victims.

Turns out, it's not very hard to pull me out of the darkness and back into the light.

Whether it be in person or beligerant electronic communication, it goes something like this, you do the "innocent victim friend" part:

merkley??? says:
YOU'RE FAKE! YOU NEVER LIKED ME. YOU HAVE NO HUMAN EMOTION. EVEYONE IS A DECEPTIVE COKE ROBOT BUT ME!!! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO LOVE!! BLLLLLAAAAAOOOORRRRRGH RRRAAAAWWWWWRRRR! grummm grrumm grum.

innocent victim friend says:
Oh Merkley, you are right, you really are awesome and nobody knows how to love like you. We could all stand to learn a thing or two from you. You are just drunk but still VERY HANDSOME. YOU RULE! (try to mean it)

merkley??? says:
NO *** YOU *** RULE!! YOU UNDERSTAND ME!!! BLAAARGH. THE WORLD HAS SOOO MUCH BEAUTY!! YOU ARE THE BEST BEST BEST BEST, INNOCENT VICTIM FRIEND!! Did I ever tell you how cool I think you are? Man I'm such a DICK.

innocent victim friend says:
No you are NOT a Dick. You just have so much love to give that sometimes you don't know where to channel it and it turns into something that looks like insecure rage.

merkley??? says:
You are the smartest person I ever met.

end scene

That's pretty much it.


While the above may seem way too simple to work, you'd be surprised at how quickly the cornball grimmace comes back on my face. Point is, it's really less of a big deal than some might think. It really only takes two or three seconds to make me feel loved and appreciated because I actually do believe in my own awesomeness and so when people point it out, I tend to believe that they believe it too because I mean -- who wouldn't? I mean COME ON.

Basically, when I am drunk, I may as well be a super beloved but slightly needy five year old retard. Treat me like that and I will be the happiest slightly needy 5 year old retard who ever slobbered on your shoulder. It will be well worth your time I guarantee it.

That's all for now,
Don't get caught waking up and thinking: "Ho Shit, to whom do I apologize first?"
Your Favorite Cast Member of The Hit Brodway Musical "CATS",
Bob Hope

Is It Some Weird Coincidence That The Opposite of MORON Is...

Less-Off?

I don't know, that's the kind of crap I think about while drinking at the bar trying to figure out what woman is less likely to kill me if we had kids.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught keeping tabs.
Your most beautiful human being who perhaps ever lived and who epitomizes how you should live your life but probably will never be able to,
Don Knotts

PUT THE PHONE DOWN MERKLEY!!! DO NOT START RESENTFUL TEXTING MERKLEY!!! IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT MERKLEY!!! LEAVE YOUR POOR FRIENDS ALONE MERKLEY!!!

This happens all the time:

Merkley goes out to a party or bar where he knows he will see all the lovely people he knows from any given scene. Occasionally he will go WITH someone or a group of someones but usually he likes to arrive solo so that he can leave whenever the fuck he wants. He'll have a few drinks and things will be awesome and he will be funny and charming and full of love and people will laugh and he will take pictures and everything will be hunky dory because people will be paying lots of special attention to him and he fucking lives for attention just like most of you motherfuckers. Many times the night ends when he feels like he's had enough or when a few people go back to his house and things wind down and everyone feels like something terrific happened and Merkley falls asleep with a smile on his face and everything is ALRIGHT.

This happens SOME of the time:

Everything happens the same as above but Merkley drinks a little too much and then he notices someone that he thinks should be paying attention to him but instead they are paying too much attention to someone else or some substance like cocaine, this person is not always a woman and accordingly not necessarily someone with whom Merkley wants any intimate contact. It's just someone who has not for the last 5 minutes acknowledged Merkley's awesomeness like they fucking should.

At this time Merkley will become obsessed with this grievous transgression of this callous ignorer of the 10 Billionth degree but he won't show it because that's not cool. He will usually retreat back into a darkened corner completely out of view or hide behind a pole, leaning, brooding and ignoring the rest of the people who are still trying to pay lots of loving attention to him. He will watch as this terrible, awful, insensitive devil person continues on having fun paying no attention to the fact that Merkley has dramatically retreated into a darkened corner completely out of view. -- Merkley becomes very annoyed by this and his drunken Merkley brain inside takes over and starts building an airtight case against this jerk of a person. Merkley will usually leave without saying goodbye -- he'll hail a cab and run off to get pizza and head for home completely abandoning his other friends and colleagues.

This is where it gets bad way too many times to be considered great.

As Merkley drunkenly brews about the terrible transgressions of this person or persons who stopped giving him the attention he deserves, he begins to notice that none of his other friends are with him and therefore they have all abandoned him TOO. The fact that he was the one who left is certainly of no concern to drunken Merkley. To drunken Merkley, the facts are, that whoever is not with him WHEN HE WANTS THEM TO BE has abandoned him. That's NOT COOL.

So what does Merkley do about that?

Oh shit. Don't do it Merkley. PUT THE PHONE DOWN MERKLEY!!! DO NOT START RESENTFUL TEXTING MERKLEY!!! IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT MERKLEY!!! IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD MERKLEY!! YOU ARE DRUNK MERKLEY!!! LEAVE YOUR POOR FRIENDS ALONE MERKLEY!!!

Shit. He did it. He sent a bunch of otherwise good and nice people resentful texts preaching to them about the shallowness of the coke scene and the fact that whoever they were talking to probably has one billion STDs because obviously everyone has their priorities out of whack except for drunken Merkley whose drunken definition of *hypocrisy* does not include preaching about substance abuse while wasted nor does his drunken definition of abandonment include him storming out of a lovely evening leaving his friends behind --- no, when Merkley leaves a party it's because the party abandoned HIM!

Merkley needs breathalyzer equipment hooked up to his phone so that it won't work when he is drunk.

Merkley is tired of sending morning after apology texts. Merkley's friends are tired of getting them.

Sometimes Merkley feels sorry for people who know him -- that is until he remembers how completely and utterly awesome he is then he just thinks they are lucky they get text messages from him at all because he is precisely that GREAT!

Maybe Merkley just needs new friends. Probably not though.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught thumping your penis on the table to get everyone's undivided attention.
Your Mom's Best Friend's Ex-Girlfriend's Brother's Favorite Blogger,
Santa Claus

If You Think I Need You To Have A Fantastic IM Conversation, You Are Sadly Mistaken

merkley???: pssst
merkley???: hey
merkley???: bub
merkley???: psst
merkley???: you with the diaper
merkley???: wanna buy a watch?
merkley???: good deal
merkley???: real rolex
merkley???: 30 bux
merkley???: just for you
merkley???: no?
merkley???: i got designer hand bags
merkley???: real gucci
merkley???: prada
merkley???: no?
merkley???: i got some cold pizza
merkley???: no?
merkley???: left over chinese?
merkley???: how about one sock
merkley???: i got a good sock
merkley???: only one hole
merkley???: well two if you count the part where you put your foot in
merkley???: elastic is still good
merkley???: smells like ---
merkley???: ummmn
merkley???: dotitos
merkley???: good food product
merkley???: doritos that is
merkley???: not the sock
merkley???: don't eat the sock
merkley???: 5 bux
merkley???: whaddaya say?
merkley???: i'll take 3 bux
merkley???: 1 bux?
merkley???: ok
merkley???: i'll trade you for that napkin
merkley???: man
merkley???: you are a tough sell
merkley???: here
merkley???: you can have the sock
merkley???: happy birthday
merkley???: ok now move along
merkley???: you're scaring off customers
merkley???: don't make me call the cops

at this point the other person set their status to AWAY and you know that shit doesn't just happen automatically.

merkley???: i saw that
merkley???: ok i want my sock back now

That's all for now.
Don't get caught selling knock off expired deli meat or failing to recognize pure CHAT GENIUS!
Your Local Tennis Pro,
Sheila E.

Dave Chappelle Just May Be The Coolest Person Who Ever Lived

He ain't just a comedic genius, he's all kinds of other genius as well. I guess that should go without saying.

In case you missed him on Oprah, you can watch it here on youtube.com which kicks ass btw.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught always making fun of the negroes when most of your heroes are in fact negroes.
Your Best Can Of Meat,
Dick Cheney's Hunting Buddy

13 Things To Write On A Homemade Valentine's Day Card

Lindsay bought a bunch of home made Valentine's Day card supplies and we sat around my living room watching DVDs as she glued and drew and every other thing you do to make a home made Valentines day card. Upon her asking for suggestions for what to write on the little doily hearts, I decided I should make some of my own. Here are 13 AWESOME SHIT THINGS TO WRITE ON A VALENTINES DAY DOILY HEART:

1. "Here you go faggot!" ---- Of course you say the same thing while handing it to your valentine because a good joke is twice as good if done twice.

2. "Ooooohkay crybaby, here's one for you too" -- Same type deal as the first one but this time to the pathetic fag standing next to the person you really like.

3. "Your hands are HUGE"

4. "Too bad this doily heart won't cure your herpes" -- Come on, you KNOW you know someone with herpes -- you can even give it to yourself.

5. "Tyler wants to suck your dick" -- give it to someone who knows someone named Tyler who is obviously gay but won't admit it.

6. "Lisa has Hepatitis C" -- Give it to someone who you know fucked a chick named Lisa -- DUH.

7. "I think your Hep-C is Sex-C" -- Yeah I already told that joke on this blog. SUCK IT.

8. "Suck my dick you BITCH" --Give this one to your sister or maybe some random negro gangster drug dealer.

9. "This heart doily cost me 4 cents -- ha ha you ain't worth SHIT!"

10. "Nice PIMPLE!" -- Obviously you give this one to someone with a big pimple.

11. "Holy SHIT you are DYKEY" -- Give this one to an ugly femmy dude who looks like Janet Reno.

12. "I fucked your girlfriend." -- Best given to a dyke whose girlfriend you fucked.

13. "Check out my boner" -- either have an actual boner or make it look like you have one or you can also give this to someone while hugging them and pressing your boner on their leg -- also, best if you give it to your sister or a murderer.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught with Tuna Hands.
Your Momma,
Betty White

Why'd Yer Sister Put Her Lips On My Nutts and Say Ding Dong?

Because she wanted to be the BELL of my BALLS.

She really should just get dressed up and go here tonight instead, her lips are all chappy and sand papery and now my balls feel stupid.

check out the host -- that's me -- guess what that means -- you buy me drinks and I get wasted and act AWESOME -- as usual.

click on these fuckers to see them all big n'shit.






That's all for now
Don't get caught saying stuff like BangDick and BangWeen and BangSchlong because it's really only kinda funny.
Your Master of Square-emonies,
Connie Chung

Special Emergency Announcement Regarding The Payment of Sins By Jesus H. Christ

You have to try what I'm about to tell you. Trust me -- it really works.

As it turns out, Jesus actually DID pay for our sins.

So I'm at this strip bar and this nasty stripper get's all up on my junk and she asks me

"You wanna lap dance baby?"

So I lower my voice and try to sound all saucy and naughty and I ask her;

"Well that depends, is a lap dance a sin?"

and she gets all saucy and naughty sounding right back and she says

"Ooooh, you better believe it baby"

and so I say

"Cool, --- Jesus paid for all my sins --- put it on his tab."

And it totally works!! --- FREE LAP DANCE!! But get this, it works with booze, hookers, cheap motels, really really expensive hotels, most kinds of chocolate (not white), pretty much anything that happens after midnight, everything in Vegas and edible underpants too!! Oh yeah --- and HBO!!! All free!!! Paid for by Jesus Christ!!! HALLELUJAH!!!

It truly is Christmas all year long so pour yourself some expensive fuckin' whiskey and raise your glass to Jesus. Afterall, it's all on his bill.

Weeeeeehooooooooo!!! THREE CHEERS FOR JESUS!!!

By the way, for you snobby wine lovers --- wine ain't a sin. You still gotta pay.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught reposting your Christmas email from like four billion years ago because you're too lazy to write something new.
Your Patron Saint of Pure Awesomeness,
Bryant Gumble

Disclaimer : If this doesn't work for you -- don't sue me -- sue Jesus -- direct all complaints and lawsuits to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (the Mormons) in SLC Utah.

A Tall Tear Jerker Tale of a Super Mad Sad Tan Girl and Her Terrible Tiny Tear Jerks

Once upon a slime there was a Super Mad Sad Tan Girl who cried one thousand billion tears. Each little tear was so mad sad pissed that when they slipped and sloshed to the ground they all started beating the crap out of each other, kicking each other in their tear balls and punching each other in their tear boobs. It's a well known fact that The Super Mad Sad Tan Girl's tears can actually bleed so when her mad sad tears began slicing each other's tear throats, well, the blood bubbled and sprayed out all over the place.

The Super Mad Sad Tan Girl raised her soggy head just in time to not float away in the river of tear blood. When she saw all the comotion she focused her foggy tear soaked gaze on this one Little Tiny Baby Blurry Tear that was trying to keep two older gigantic tears from blowing each other's brains out. The Little Tiny Baby Blurry Tear was trying to hold back The Bigger Badder Tear who had forty machine guns pointed at the transparent dick of the other Bigger Badder Tear. Seeing this drama, The Super Mad Sad Tan Girl for one nanosecond forgot why she was crying in the first place because just then she noticed that the The Bigger Badder Tear With The Forty Machine Guns had inadvertantly dislodged the pins from the two thousand shit grenades he had in his left pocket which was precisely one millimeter away from The Little Tiny Baby Blurry Tear's right eyeball.

The Super Mad Sad Tan Girl yelled:

"Watch out Little Tiny Baby Blurry Tear!! This place is gonna blow!!"

The Little Tiny Baby Blurry Tear turned to The Super Mad Sad Tan Girl and with tears welled up in her own little tiny baby tear eyes (yes that's possible) The Little Tiny Baby Blurry Tear said in her tiny little voice:

"But Super Mad Sad Tan Girl, we're just doing what you wanted. We only want you to be happ----..."

Just then The Bigger Badder Tear's two thousand shit grenades blew up --- completely evaporating every tear and drop of tear blood within two inches (tears are very small you know - two inches is huge to a tear). The Bigger Badder Tears, The Little Tiny Baby Blurry Tear, the tear blood, and shit grenades all turned into a cute little, albeit slightly stinky, puff of steam which floated right up The Super Mad Sad Tan Girl's nose causing her to sneeze out a big tear soaked snot bubble that landed in the phone book highlighting one name and phone number.

Harold Powderblinker D.D.S 212-DRY-HEAD

The Super Mad Sad Tan Girl laughed for the first time in 100,000 years. She quickly picked up the phone and dialed as fast as her damp little pruny fingers could dial.

There was no answer, just an answering machine:

"You have reached the offices of Harry Powderblinker. He will be out of the office until the cows come home."

So picking up on the obvious message from the great forces at work The Super MadSad Tan Girl grew a beard, dried her eyes, moved to the country, raised cows, ate lots of steak, got lots of head from old women with no salivary glands and lived happily ever after.

For five minutes -- then it was back to crying.

The End.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught being so overcome with laziness that you begin to rape the comment sections of your Super Mad Sad Tan Girl MySpace friend for old shit you wrote when you were drunk and trying to cheer a sad bitch up.
Your Master of Scare-emonies,
RRRRRRicharrrrd DAWSON