If I Was a Badass Finger Pulling Mormon Duck Nurse's Abused Sister From Squaresville U.S.A.
If I was a Slightly Unattractive Duck and some smartass step-dad farted and said "Hey did you guys hear that duck?" I don't know, I'd probably be really bummed having my language compared to the stinky air coming out of some dickhead's anus, but what would be really shitty is if the smartass dad's fart actually said something in duck language that I could actually understand, especially if it was something like "You're UGLY".
If I was a Smartass Step-Dad Who Liked to Tell His Kids To Pull His Finger, every once in a while I'd give the kid who pulled it 10 bucks thus insuring that my joke would always work and also because it would be cool to see the kids face when he/she didn't get the 10 bucks but only a fart. Ha ha -- dumb kid.
If I was a So Called "Dumb" Kid Who Just Pulled a Fart Finger and Didn't Get 10 Bucks From My Dad When He Just Barely Gave 10 Bucks To My Sister For The Same Thing, I'd act like I didn't give a crap because I would just threaten or pound my dumb sister out of her 10 bucks and fart in her face with no finger pullin' or nothin'. Soon I'd be the only finger puller for miles and then I could be all raising the finger pulling fee through the roof. Who's dumb now bitch?
If I was Some Badass's Poor Little Sister Who Was Constantly Beaten, Robbed and Forced To Smell His Close Range Farts, I'd probably grow up to be an apparently well adjusted John Kerry Mormon nurse with three beautiful kids and a doctor husband and we'd live in Colorado somewhere but I'd probably never talk about my childhood. Don't believe me? Ask my sister, she probably won't talk about it though.
If I was Colorado or Wyoming Being Mocked By The Other States For Being "SQUARE", I'd try to shift the focus off me and I'd be all "Oh yeah? Well you can't even buy alcohol at the store in Mormonland Utah and we sell fireworks and our beer has more alcohol in it so who's really "SQUARE"? But what would suck is if Florida came back with: "Dude, we're making fun of your SHAPE, this isn't high school, we don't care if you drink or have hookers, you're just boring looking -- you're ugly -- that's all." Yeah, that would be lame, but then again I could always pull out the limp dick jokes, I mean Florida really shouldn't be making fun of shapes.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught telling your awesome younger brother Dan's story of his awesomely relentless beating of your sister Erin and trying to pass it off like you were some kind of badass when you were really just a clown making gaywad jokes all the time.
Your Favorite First Grade Teacher,