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March 31, 2006

If I Was a Badass Finger Pulling Mormon Duck Nurse's Abused Sister From Squaresville U.S.A.

If I was a Slightly Unattractive Duck and some smartass step-dad farted and said "Hey did you guys hear that duck?" I don't know, I'd probably be really bummed having my language compared to the stinky air coming out of some dickhead's anus, but what would be really shitty is if the smartass dad's fart actually said something in duck language that I could actually understand, especially if it was something like "You're UGLY".


JennyBananasChrist


If I was a Smartass Step-Dad Who Liked to Tell His Kids To Pull His Finger, every once in a while I'd give the kid who pulled it 10 bucks thus insuring that my joke would always work and also because it would be cool to see the kids face when he/she didn't get the 10 bucks but only a fart. Ha ha -- dumb kid.


JennySofaShoe


If I was a So Called "Dumb" Kid Who Just Pulled a Fart Finger and Didn't Get 10 Bucks From My Dad When He Just Barely Gave 10 Bucks To My Sister For The Same Thing, I'd act like I didn't give a crap because I would just threaten or pound my dumb sister out of her 10 bucks and fart in her face with no finger pullin' or nothin'. Soon I'd be the only finger puller for miles and then I could be all raising the finger pulling fee through the roof. Who's dumb now bitch?


JennyOnHerBack


If I was Some Badass's Poor Little Sister Who Was Constantly Beaten, Robbed and Forced To Smell His Close Range Farts, I'd probably grow up to be an apparently well adjusted John Kerry Mormon nurse with three beautiful kids and a doctor husband and we'd live in Colorado somewhere but I'd probably never talk about my childhood. Don't believe me? Ask my sister, she probably won't talk about it though.


JennyBedSpread


If I was Colorado or Wyoming Being Mocked By The Other States For Being "SQUARE", I'd try to shift the focus off me and I'd be all "Oh yeah? Well you can't even buy alcohol at the store in Mormonland Utah and we sell fireworks and our beer has more alcohol in it so who's really "SQUARE"? But what would suck is if Florida came back with: "Dude, we're making fun of your SHAPE, this isn't high school, we don't care if you drink or have hookers, you're just boring looking -- you're ugly -- that's all." Yeah, that would be lame, but then again I could always pull out the limp dick jokes, I mean Florida really shouldn't be making fun of shapes.

The End


JennyOnHerBack2


That's all for now.
Don't get caught telling your awesome younger brother Dan's story of his awesomely relentless beating of your sister Erin and trying to pass it off like you were some kind of badass when you were really just a clown making gaywad jokes all the time.
Your Favorite First Grade Teacher,
Nuttsack Ballface

PS...

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger chwecko is a gaywad.

Merkley???

Are you calling me out?

First of all, I never deliver farts close range. I use the Fart Fone (patent pending).
Second, I never stole nuthin from her. Those Ravell Model Cars were gifts Id given her that she never wanted to put together anyway. And I'll be damned if they go to waste.
Third, the beatings weren't constant. They were whenever she deserved them (e.g. not changing the channel when I asked, not fetching me more of her halloween candy, etc.)
Finally, they werent beatings. She kept running into my feet and fists.

I hope this clears things up.

 

Blogger Melissa is a gaywad.

dissapointing.
I thought you were the fart forcer.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ha ha,
I was just making sure you were still reading.

melissa, meet chwecko -- the real fart forcer.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

WHOA! Real nudity and stuff, I have no idea what you were saying, I was too busy thinking that chicks boobs look like mine! I have found my boob double!

 

Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

yeah I didn't even read one fucking word you wrote, I just wanted to say that everyone can truly thank me for the picks, It was my idea and I do accept payment in bj's

holla

Thanks for saving my like Merk

Your cock double


Virgle Kent

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

I bet I'm the only one who really read this post..

It's a good tactic.. distract from the family secrets with nudey pictures.. heh heh

 

Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

There were words?

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Let's see if the comment moderator monster will eat this post, too...

Being the youngest, I never had a choice when it came to farts. Now as the uncle, I dish them out to the neices and nephews...
Revenge is a dish best served hot - after cabbage...

(I never saw any boobs. I did see a "kitty" shot on the couch, though. Does that count???

 

Anonymous Aja is a gaywad.

I only I understood or paid attention to two things, maybe three:

boobs
shoes
farts

Yup, sums up my life!!!

 

Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

My righteous sister and her husband are in town...they've avoided cable tv for fifteen years but recently bought a satellite dish so they can watch general conference at home, ack! Their kids were all screaming in the background about the evils of rated R movies, oooh, RATED R movies. I smoked two cigarettes at one time when I got home to balance out all the righteous talk.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

nice pussy in jennysofashoe but my favorite is jennybedspread

 

Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

Always charming, always the one who gets the naked girls. You are not stupid, that's for damn sure. No, in fact, I think you're a f*n genius merkley??? how do you do it? So impressive, yes you are!

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

those boobs sure are purty.

i miss yer audio posts.

 

Anonymous Arkanin is a gaywad.

Merkley,

Sorry for sending you a whole novel. This post isn't actually so much about this blog, but rather your collection of blogs.

I made a google search for the phrase "explosive ballsack" and stumbled onto your website. Before you say, "What the fuck, this guy googled the phrase 'explosive ballsack'," I was (going) to lounge on the internet and read stupid shit for five minutes because I just got back from playing poker. I just figured that if you wanted to find stupid shit on the internet, googling "Explosive Ballsack" was a good way to go about doing so. I guess this would be a Merkley-humor copying attempt, but I'm actually telling the truth.

At any rate, I found this instead of typical stupid stuff, so I read some of your blogs. I can't say I agree with you about everything, but you are indeed a genius. I'm not, but I'm rational, and I don't understand the herd behaviors most people follow -- in fact, I can safely say I only know one or two other people who are truly liberated from that of hundreds -- and it seems like the other people that don't, but still vary from the norm (e.g., an environmentalist such as myself, but one far too radical and for utterly wrong reasons -- which is most environmentalists, sadly), are still just reacting to everyone, even by opposing the majority.

With respect to your thoughts on politics and libertarianism in some of your other blog entries, when I question even the most open-minded people, they simply don't seem to have ever thought about this sort of thing or understand me when I ask them how they justify X, Y, or Z; and even the minority of rational people who can answer those questions do not do so in a spirit of communication. And you know, regardless of political party or background, people these days don't particularly seem to crave rationality and introspection. That's too much effort.

I'm just a college kid, and if you ran into me on the street, you'd probably figure I was some idiot whose biggest concerns were fart jokes and beer pong; I don't have art or funny stories to show people, but I still think you should know some people listen to what I would call radical but non-reactive ideas, regardless of political affiliation. You know, your blogs on humanity and politics seem vastly more conservative than anything I'd ever agree with, but who gives two shits if you actually think for yourself; consequently, I want to read what you have to say.

What blows is that I actually write, paint, compose music and all that too. For some reason, I do pretty much everything, in fact (right now designing a java-based cellular automaton). Seeing your website reminds me that I could literally forget all of the stuff I actually care about and get a job as an MIS guy who writes the scripts for an insurance company, or I could actually persue those sorts of things and maybe be a real artist like people like you one day. At the end of the day, I think your website has reminded me not to lose sight of myself as I work on finishing college and eventually get a job.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

dood.
thanks for writing.
i agree, individualism is super way more interesting than flocking around. we individualists are all alike.

i'm glad you got something out of my crap.

see ya round!

 

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March 24, 2006

If I Was A Poisonous Heavy Metal Negro Jello Genius Stuck In a Transgender Racist Chemical Toaster

If I was That Singer From AC/DC and some homo negro drag queen was acting all gay, sayin stuff like "once you go black you'll never go back" I'd have some snappy comeback that involved my song "Back In Black" although it might not be TOO snappy because when you start to think about it, the mathematics get really super complicated and you wanna be super careful what you say to a homo negro drag queen especially if he/she is holding your big balls.



If I was That Big Tall Negro Drag Queen RuPaul, I would schedule some publicity stunt in Bopal India to commemorate The DuPont Chemical Plant Disaster that killed thousands and thousands of indians. I'm not sure exactly what the stunt would entail, but imagine the possibilities, DuPaul, RuPont, RuPol, BoPaul etc... combine that with "Black Cloud of Death" or something along those lines... I mean, can you smell a comeback?... holy shit, he could even say THAT.


If I was The Main PR Dude For Dow Chemical, The Company Actually Responsible For The Bopal Disaster, I would sit back and giggle maniacally about my plan to gradually shift blame to DuPont by getting RuPaul to do the big Bopal Disaster Anniversary TV Special. Once again a negro in drag doing the white man's bidding. Genius.



If I was An Actual Genius, I'd get pretty sick of reading the word "genius" here on this moronic blog. But then again, I'd have bigger problems like chronic painful back acne and trying to get Linux to run on my toaster, so I'd probably just let it fly.



If I was a Regular Toaster, I think it'd be cool to burn the fuck out of toast even on the lightest beige setting and then when the "genius" was trying to get the toast out with a fork, I'd shock the crap out of him and shoot the flaming toast out into his face and then I'd blast that AC/DC song "Back in Black" at a billion decibels into his ugly ear. Of course the coffee maker would try to blast the same song about black coffee, but I did it first and how is the coffee maker gonna shock somebody or make flames? Although scalding black coffee is pretty cool. Whatever, we could team up.




P.S. Racist toasters don't burn toast.

P.S.S. Come to think of it, they don't even work.

P.S.S.S. Just when you thought racism was awesome too.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught smacking your Jell-o to teach it a lesson about staying still.
Your Loving Sister,
Saddam Hussein

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger MPD is a gaywad.

Merkley my man !!

That I could nto have said better myself but, I wouldnt have tried either. I will leave this "genius" to you and you only. But, if you get Linux to run on your toaster hook a brother up ok cuz I got a kick ass toaster

Your hermaphrodite Uncle,

Osama bin Laden

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

these are my favorite pictures thus far. Beautiful bed! Oh, and of course, pretty girls...

 

Blogger Ridley Thunder is a gaywad.

I can picture the toaster having a shit eating grin too when it burnt the toast. It would be humming that song in his head for days.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

haha. chronic painful back acne. ha

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

Is that Merkley's bedroom? Or a weird hotel that Merkley rents to take sexy pictures in?

RuPaul was my childhood hero.

 

Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

You son of a bitch! You’ve been holding out on us all this time? Stop fucking around and just show the full on buck necked pics, something tells me you moonlight as a photographer for Penthouse, and your just teasing us.

 

Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

But you are an,Actual Genius. To be able to come up with the shit you come up with and make it all make perfect and roll together,pure genius. But more importantly and the obvious, you have every guys dream job and the ability to get women to take their clothes off and take pics as such. Now, that's real genius. You little devil you!!

 

Anonymous Aja is a gaywad.

Got this site off VK, es nice!

the coffee maker would piss itself (coffee of course) while the toaster shot out flames and burned the face off the genius. Can you photog that whole scenerio? Love the pics!

 

Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

Merks man. I know ______ pissed you off and shit like that. But I can't very well organize a comment raid on your blog if you have moderation now can I.

Stop by and see me at my new blog and shit like that B.

lates.

 

Blogger marriedman chang is a gaywad.

yeah ching

 

Anonymous janiceglassjr is a gaywad.

FARTS!!! SMELLY SMELLY FART FARTS! FART SAUCE EVERYWHERE THAT SMELLS!!!

LOVE,
BIG J.

 

Blogger grrlsweat is a gaywad.

i'm drooling over those pics. i want that room(s). badly.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

MPD,
i got linux up and running on my dogs water bowl.
===============



Wendy,
thanks
===============


Ridley Thunder,
dood -- toasters don't have heads -- what kind of weirdo are you?
===================



poopee shmoopee,
it's not funny man.
=================



Lake Allison,
the girls rented that room in the majestic hotel in san francisco.
=======================



Virgle Kent ,
ha ha -- nope. i got nudes -- but -- you know -- sometimes women just want them for them for some reason.
==================



Babsbitchin',
ha ha -- you're too nice.
==================


Aja,
you are probably right -- but coffee machines dont have hooliebuds so --peeing -- dont know how they'd do it.

the word peeing looks chinese don't you think?
====================



marriedman,
yeah, this stupid filtering software won't bypass the moderation part of blogger -- not much point in filtering if i have to moderate anyway -- cept i no longer even have to SEE the comments i dont want.
======================




janiceglassjr,
thats was a pretty poem.
====================



sweaty hermit,
laura ashley was a dyke i bet.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

oh yeah, i know my blog sucks now -- but whatever, it's not like it costs you anything

 

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March 20, 2006

The First Time I Ever Left The Cake Out In The Rain and She Couldn't Take It Cuz It Took Super Long To Bake It and She Lost The Recipe or Some Shit

18. Who was your first celebrity crush?

I thought Marsha Brady was kinda hot but I didn't want to kiss her or anything.

My kindergarten teacher was pretty famous in the school, she made my pants feel zingy and weird.

But Donna Summer, WOW. Now there was a WOMAN.



Donna Summer was the subject of my first boner dream. I was like what, 8 or 9? I don't know, but I had a dream that she was hugging me and rubbing my back and her boobs were right next to my eyeball and she smelled like roses and skin and I totally had a dreamboner and I was worried that she would notice and she did notice but since I was too young and naive to even know that you were actually supposed to DO something with the boner and she knew that too or was just being a lady, she just smiled at me with her perfectly white teeth and big red shiny lips.

Toot toot hey beep beep indeed.

Oh yeah, I also wanted to nibble on Andy Rooney's ass moles.

Kids.

Ruth Buzzi slapped my ass when I was 14.

The End

Now here are some more pictures of pretty girls.


kelly tunstall



christina



lindsay & kiley



That's all for now.
Don't get caught gettin all bonery for Mrs. Howell instead of Ginger or Mary Ann.
Your Antiques Load Show,
Billy Ocean

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger raymi lauren is a gaywad.

i like kiley.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

if you would have written:

"i likey kiley"

i would have written:

"no, you like anagrams"

and that would have been great.

you blew it raymi.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

kelly looks like she should have rubber gloves on and be doing some of those dishes.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

max planck knew donna's daughter. she went to college with us. she was gor-geous like her mama.

 

Blogger raymi lauren is a gaywad.

where the fuck have you been? email me and tell me if you are going to be on msn and then i will sign onto msn and then i can tel you all of my sweet gossip!

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

obviously you dont know what an anagram is and obviously these are cop out blog posts full of some lameo myspace survey


i mean, not to complain or nooothhing...

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

I hear crying Emo kids. . . anyone gotta shovel?

 

Blogger MPD is a gaywad.

my first celebrity crush was Joyce DeWitt from Three's Company. I used to perform my masturbatory exercises every day when it came on

 

Anonymous GN is a gaywad.

LoL...your random post topics kill me. Definitely a sultan of spontaneity. Great stuff like always.

My first crush was on the blonde from "New Zoo Revue," a kid's show from the '70s (remember that?)...I thought her knee-high sox were hot. Then there was Wonder Woman. Linda Carter? Shoot.

 

Blogger Alex Blagg is a gaywad.

you're still a faggot!

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Man that chick by the sink is short. It's a good thing God genetically engineered women with suck small feet. It sure makes it easier for them to get closer to the sink to do the dishes!

 

Blogger Samantha Murphy is a gaywad.

I met Donna Summer in the bathroom of PF Changs in Nashville years ago. She lives here now. Does that seem weird to anyone besides me?
She was so nice and asked me what I did for a living. Most celebrities couldn't give a rat's ass about anyone but themselves, but I could tell she was genuinely interested.
She sings her ass off and cake in the rain (MacArthur Park) is a fantastic song.

 

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March 18, 2006

The First Time I Ever Got Paid Big $$$ To Nap and Eat Chicken Fried Steaks In The Crapper

4. What was your first job?

I was a slave. I had to weed the garden for my slave driving mom. The scorching sun would beat down upon my toes turning them neon pink so I would cover them with cold dirt as I cursed god, mothers and vegetables in general.

Ok, that wasn't really a job because I didn't get paid shit.

The first job I had that paid money was babysitting the neighbor kids. I would make the kids go to bed early then I'd snoop through all their parents stuff, looking for condoms or dildos or porn or anything the devil thought was rad. One time I found pot in my sunday school teachers closet. I liked him better after that. Oh yeah, I would also eat all their cereal and pudding.

Ok, babysitting isn't really a job either.

My first paid job that actually required me showing up was picking corn at 5am on my best friends farm. He was fat and had puberty fat dude pointy boobs but that's another story. I was 14 years old and my coworkers were all the farm wives who would non-stop talk about episiotomies and stretched out ripped vaginas and the basic pumping out of babies. I got paid in corn and I killed the boss with a pitchfork.

Ok that wasn't really a job either since I quit after 3 days.

The first REAL job where I had to fill out an application and wear a uniform and everything was at an all you can eat buffet called Duff's Smorgasbord.

I wasn't cut out for work. I would sneak chicken fried steaks and eat them in the bathroom. I also took naps in the bathroom. The managers name was Randy, he didn't have a head, just a long neck with ten adam's apples and hair on top with a mangled looking mouth with backwards teeth and glasses that sat atop his cowboy boot sized beak which enlarged his two beady eyes to the size of, ... uhhh ---- ummmm --hmmmmmnnn, ------- oh!, those chicken fried steaks I would eat in the bathroom.

Randy liked to give pink slips.

Three pink slips from Randy meant you were fired.

Randy gave me pink slip #1 for stealing chicken fried steaks and eating them in the bathroom, Randy gave me pink slip #2 for sleeping in the bathroom.

Randy liked to teach me how to keep the little slice of stainless steel between the mashed potatoes and gravy shiny and gravy free. I wasn't so adamant about it. You wouldn't believe how fast that gravy turns into solid brown glue. My wiping skills were sub-par at best but my gravy skin breaking skills were top notch.

Randy could only see my faults.

Randy didn't care about gravy skin breaking prowess.

Randy seethed with rage.

Sensing Randy's bony fingers itching to give me my final pink slip, I went into the washing machine room and dumped the whole box of detergent into the washing machine, turned it on, waited for the bubbles to overflow, went to the main office, called Randy a runt and high tailed it out of that grimy slophouse.

I was not about to be fired by the likes of Randy.

I saw one of the dishwashing mexicans about a week later, he said my soap trick worked and filled the whole room "weeth babbles" and that I was a hero and legend for doing it and calling Randy a runt. Now everybody calls him "Runty"

Oh yeah, once, my shift started at noon on a sunday, when I got there I followed a 400 pound blobman into the place, when I left 5 hours later, I followed him out. He ate the whole time, mostly chicken fried steaks and pudding.

Oh yeah, one other time I caught a dude filling his pockets with meat. This wasn't uncommon but very much against the rules. I didn't turn him in but I gave him major stinkeye because I had AUTHORITY.

The End

Now here are some new pictures of Yana.















That's all for now.
Don't get caught dumping all the leftover desserts into a big mixing vat, adding a bunch of chocolate syrup, mixing it up, cooking it and calling it brownies.
Your Next In Line For The Throne (crapper),
Marie Osmond

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Ridley Thunder is a gaywad.

Hahaha..>RUNTY!...I'm calling everyone whose Randy, Runty for now on.

 

Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

I think I'm going back to being a full top side lesbian,she's beautiful! merkley???, do you put the whole list of your incredible job skills, incredible and ecclectic on your resume? But who am I fooling, with your prowess you just walk in and tell them what's what. You are quite the photog.They blow you away, speaking off...you must have a wee bit o'fun during these shoots? I'm bettin' ya do!!

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

my dad picked watermelons and worked in a bowling ball factory. i always thought those were awesome first jobs.

 

Anonymous Donkey Kong is a gaywad.

My first job was:
1. in an ice factory
2. in a cave
3. where no one spoke English
4. and started at 4:30am

My dad got me the job and it paid really good but it really fucking sucked. One day I fell in an ice bin and ruined $10,000 worth of ice. There were mexican running and screaming everywhere.

Also I usually blew my nose and wiped it on the ice. it was the kind of ice that you buy at 7-11 for parties. I put a booger in your drink.

 

Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

Now thats how you leave a job my friend. You should have been eating a chicken fried steak as you ran out. That would have been hot.

Now as far as the picture goes, sometimes not even saying anything makes the point that much stronger. So thank you and God bless.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Ridley Thunder,
best done with a mexican accent. it actually sounds almost like randy.
===================



Babsbitchin',
awe shucks, you're always so nice.

fun? you mean like playing on the slide and swings or with remote control cars and army men or stretching silly putty and slinkies and playing scrabble non-stop?

yeah, i always do that.
==================


Francine Ocelot,
"my dad picked watermelons and worked in a bowling ball factory. i always thought those were awesome first jobs."

and also oddly related.
===================

Donkey Kong,
the only place i ever played donkey kong was at a 7-11.
see?
===================



Virgle Kent,
fuck. you are so right. chicken fried steak munching would have been the perfect exclamation point.

 

Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

But of course you do, behave and treat the girls with the utmost respect. Why, you would never even think of taking advantage of these young, full of life, vibrant females. I know better and I trust YOU merkley???

 

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March 15, 2006

Boy George Dood, Boy Fucking Gad Damn George.

The other night I was was trying really hard to go home early because I was tired as your H&M outfit. Problem was I knew I only had a hundred dollar beak in my pocket and I know cab drivers get all wrinkled and stinky about that crap. I thought about having another 2 dollar drink to break it but one doesn't look like a high roller breaking a hundred on a 2 dollar drink, one looks like somebody who is spending their rent money chasing a magic pony.

Anyway, I snuck out of the bar passing many outstretched pleasedon'tleaveme arms along the way. I considered for a second going to the liquor store and buying some dog food and toilet paper to break the 100 but dog food and toilet paper is best bought with a yogurt carton full of pennies and mexican pay phone tokens so that was a no-go.

Crap.

I knew this was just gonna be an issue when I left the house. If I got into a cab and didn't say anything about the 100 til Cabtime rolled up to my steps, guaranteed, Osama Bin CabDude would jihad all over the place and crap his diaper about it.

I hailed the first cab. He stopped and I opened the back door.

"I only have a hundred, can you break it?"

"Wheh yoo go?"

"Alamo Square"

"Aballabbalooba ding dong boop boop boop"

And he sped off.

The nerve.

It's not like it's a Canadian Thousand Dollar Dudley Dooright Commemorative coin or some shit. I mean aren't 100s the new 20s?

I do **NEED** dog food and toilet paper.... I'll try one more cab.

I stand there for a few seconds and watch AllaballaDingDong who sped off do a fast spazzdick U-Turn to pick up some wasted drunken douchebag in a Miami Vice suit halfway down the block.

Without even hailing it, almost Immediately, a new cab rolls up. Maybe I hailed it but I don't remember on account of bein tired as your jokes. Some cab drivers can just tell who needs a cab I guess.

I open the back door and as soon as the interior light goes on I spot a big old wad of cash right there in a little puddle on the floor.

Did I mention it was raining?

I quickly got in and closed the door to extinguish the god damn rainbow that was pointing straight at my fucking pot of gold.

"Act normal. You didn't just find a wad of cash. You are bending over to scratch the chicken pox on your ankle, not to pick up a free wad of cash. Easy fucking does it." I said to myself in my head.

"How's things? Rain's good fer business right -- right?" I said aloud.

"Oh tonight has been quite a trial." he said. "I made the mistake of picking up a drunk who didn't know where he wanted to go so he told me to just drive."

"Uh huh, uh huh -- yeah, whoa, that sucks.." I say and nod as I covertly count my prize.

"So 10 minutes later he looks like he's gonna barf so I stop and drop him right back there a half a block from where I picked you up.."

"Was he wearing a beigeish suit?"

"Why, I reckon he was, how'd y'know?

"I don't know, I was just looking in that direction and I saw some stumbling, drunken Don Johnson lookin douchebag hailin' a cab." I said.

"Whaddaya know, I guess y'never know who's watchin." He laughs.

"Ho man, there's like 75 bucks here." I said to myself in my head. "This is awesome."

"And of course the bastard stiffs me." Cabbie said.

"Huh? What?"

"Yeah, the bastard completely stiffs me on a 20 dollar fare."

Buzzkill?
Yeah.

Long story awesome, I decide to turn into fuckin' Kris Kringle. I mean I may as well , I look like him anyway and it's not like I had that money to begin with. He pulls up to my joint and I notice he looks exactly like a cab driver Norman Rockwell would have painted.

"Thanks bud-- stay safe. Don't take anyone to Hunters Point" I said as I handed him the entire 75 dollar wad and quickly cab-slam the door.

I don't believe in karma or crap like that, but that was like double, triple or quadriple karma right there.

1. I got a free cab ride without bustin a Hunnie.

2. AllaballaDingDong probably got barfed upon and stiffed by Don Johnson.

3. Don Johnson probably got beheaded by AllaballadingDong when he was unable to produce any cash.

4. Norm Rockwell Cabbie gets his 75 bucks.

5. I get credit for tipping Marlon Brando style.

6. On second thought, maybe I was on nightline NBC or something to test my goodness factor or some shit because what was with the cab driver sayin "Guess ya never know who's watchin" -- maybe that just creeped me out and I'm still just a dude who doesn't wanna get caught bein an asshole.

But whatever.

Sometimes shit is rad.

Boy George dude, Boy George.

The End

Now here are some New/Old pictures of Yana, Butterface, and the Late beloved Senator Ron "Chico" Lopez. Oh yeah and ME.









That's all for now.
Don't get caught singing Karma Chameleon with a russian accent to your dogs non-stop for three days.
Your Least Favorite Bus Driver,
Big Bird

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i hate H&M. i can NEVER find any pants that fit properly. and half of the tops i buy fall apart the first time i wash them. BOLLOCKS!

i love that you're wearing a yellow shirt with a green suit. STYLIN!

the colouring on the first photo is gorgeous. makes it look like a painting. YUM!

oh and dk;fgjhslfdjkghlafdiu gyvoauiljkflgHKJHGKDHGFas ygertp7q4 galdkjfg pair aw'389habdlkgjfhal;kjf d;'
]WURP[3YHRUIR HFLKAJDSB HL;KDJHbf;PSF
gfndjkfh sjd

that is all.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

that's the short way of saying, "merkley, i read the first paragraph then skipped to the photos."

that's ok -- i do the same shit.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Never get in a cab if the driver is named "OSalami Bin Dover"...

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

in nyc i had a cabbie named mohammed butt...but he blacked out his last name so it was a B only but i saw his license posted. ha.


also you do not look like kris kringle. no siree bob. you are skinnier and redder haired and also more handsome and endearing, though you give less gifts.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

This post made me laugh loudly at work and my employees think I am insnae now.

I once was in line at K-Mart and saw a huge wad of cash on the floor at the register behind me. Like, the cashier had meant to take the cash somewhere but dropped it on the ground instead. I very cooly dropped my keys and bent down and grabbed the dough. $70. I reaped bad Karma for 8 years after that. You did the right thing.

 

Blogger Aimee is a gaywad.

ahh, white suits. i hope he had shoulder pads and dress shoes that clip-clop when he walks...ya know, to complete the look.

 

Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

yo that suit your rocking is flyer than a mother fucker. Now I got to step my pimp game up. I def wouldn't have given the whole $75, finders keepers dude.

 

Anonymous Melina is a gaywad.

Even tho you don't believe in no karma, you just karma'd yourself big time. that's so best.

i think you look like a kindly yet slighty mischievious saviour in that picture...

damn you fine merkley!

 

Anonymous GN is a gaywad.

Sup Merkz:

Long time no see. I drop by and you've still got it goin' on. Great story, great shots. Straight outta a novel. Like those old dusty but goody ones in thrift store racks.

See you soon.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

That sweet, Dickensian story, then pictures of girls with doggies..

First time this blog has ever made me say, "Awwwwww!!"

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Squid Vicious,
also never get in a cab if it's on fire.
=================



gabrielle sarah,
you are getting nicer in your old age gaby.
=================



Wendy,
plus now everybody thnks i'm a good person. there is no point to doing a good deed unless you can brag about it and get a little mileage.
==================



Aimee,
yeah, you know, after i wrote that i thought that it made it sound like the suit was what made him douchebaggy when honestly, i thought the suit was cool -- it just didn't mask his douchebaggery.
======================


Virgle Kent,
i had a good euphoric buzz going or i wouldda kept it too.
=================

Melina,
awe shucks.
===================


GN,
thanks for stoppin by you fuckin skinhead.
====================



Lake Allison,
never fails, you always commment on my blog when i'm reading yours.

btw -- haloscan ain't workin so i'll leave my comment here.

i think you boiled the feminist thing down pretty well.

i mean, people should have the right to punch themselves in the balls, even if they don't have any.

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

See? This very story is the reason I don't move to the 'Big City'. I live in a town, population 40K-ish and there are no taxi's! And everyone drives big trucks! And we have no Osama Bendover kinda folk! We do have, however, about 15 Black people, and 20 Asian people. . .

Love the middle pic. Very Alpha-Bitch.

And you? Your. . . handsome!
*blush*
Gee Golly!

 

Blogger hotdawgit is a gaywad.

That sound's like the Merkley I know...

 

Blogger grrlsweat is a gaywad.

you are absurdly talented. that's all.

 

Blogger grrlsweat is a gaywad.

no wait... i mean, you are absurdly talented, fuck you. :)

 

Post a Comment

March 13, 2006

The First Time I Ever Didn't Kill An Uncircumsised Unconcealing Floppy Boner Having Pants Pisser.

2. Who was your first roommate?
I moved out of my house when I was a wee lad of 19 years old because I was raised in a gigantic cult called The Mormon Church and since I was a wee wee wee lad of 0 years old they had me singing (chanting) a song (brainwashing mantra) called "I Hope The Call Me On a Mission". I didn't really hope it and it wouldn't matter if I did because EVERY 19 year old Mormon boy is called (commanded to go) on a mission. So I went on a mission -- to Brazil.

My first real roommates were three dudes at The Missionary Training Center in Provo Utah. Two fat ones and one skinny zitty one who went to the shower every morning with a floppy boner he refused to conceal (fag). I spent 2 months there learning rudimentary Portuguese in a fashion which I would be able to convince poverty stricken Brazilians to come unto Jesus for no particular reason, there were crillions of other dumb dudes there too learnin the same line of bull so it didn't really seem like they were really roommates. So, that's just a long way of saying, fuck those dudes, they don't count.

It was when I arrived in Brazil that I had my first real roommate experience. He was a somewhat greasy, pigeon-like fuckwad named Elder Osmario. It was my own fucking fault I got stuck with him because when I arrived in Brazil and had my initial interview with the mission president he asked me what type of companion I'd like.

"Just put me with anyone, even if nobody likes him. I'm good with people, I can usually crack even the unlikeable ones." I boasted.

This wasn't the first nor the last time my Savior Complex ever fucked me over.

The mission president heard me loud and clear. He put me with the most unlikeable dickhead of all time. There are five billion examples even though we were only together for three weeks, but this one pretty much sums it up.

One day, while walking home over quite a long distance, he kept complaining that he needed to pee.

"Let's stop at this little grocery store and you can use their toilet." I told him.

"Servants of the lord don't use strange toilets" (exact translation) he replied.

More walking, more whining about needing to pee. He even cried.

Did I mention he was a total fucking pussy?

Yeah well on the way home we had to cross what was essentially a freeway. I got across in no time flat, he had to wait for a space the size of Canada before he'd cross. After two centuries he finally made it halfway across and was standing up on the median in the middle of the freeway looking like a cuntbag babyhole fag, Something glorious happened. He was wearing Khaki pants, a perfect model of dickheadery.

Yes, you guessed it, he peed his pants right there in the middle of the freeway.

I watched the dark spot grow and grow and make it's way all the way down his leg and into ---- drumroll please, ------- MY SOCKS!! Yes, the fucking pants pisser begged me to loan him some of my awesome thick American socks that day instead of his stupid thin brazilian kind and like an idiot I did even though I hated his fucking guts. When we finally got home he refused to rinse the socks out, instead he put them in a plastic bag to give to the laundry lady which we would only see THE FOLLOWING WEEK.

Seriously, why didn't I kill him in his sleep?

wow. boring.
the end


Now here are some more pictures of Emily from New Years Eve.
















That's all for now.
Don't get caught flicking boogers at the elderly.
Your Sweet Sweet Sweet Little Boy,
Gummo

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

i like the sparkley makeup blackeye photo the best.

this girl marnie once peed her pants in jewish school-held the door open too long. something about the zealots and an aversion to toilets...she peed on my marker box which was by the floor of my desk--behind her desk---where she peed on the chair.


i threw away the markers cause her pee leaked into the pen tips. like mr. sniff's or whatever but um uriney.

 

Blogger Aimee is a gaywad.

damn...he's good.

 

Anonymous Chief Cameltoe is a gaywad.

this is really funny stuff man. i love the stories whether they're true or not. keep it up.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Great Story. I love when you tell true life stories about you and the horrible and wonderful people you know. Emily is so interesting to look at, I'm not sure what it is...

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i only ever had 1 roommate besides the one i'm currently married to (yes. things are a little tense right now) and while not too traumatic, i realized that i'm way too anal to have to share my things and space with people i don't know very well.

 

Blogger Lake Allison is a gaywad.

"Servants of the lord don't use strange toilets"

I'm going to use that phrase at lease once today.

 

Blogger Aimee is a gaywad.

i like the contrast of everything in the photos wank wank wank.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

i think the ideal roommate should let you poop in his shoes and then after you've both peed your pants all the way to your socks, you could chase each other around the house and slap each other with pee-wet tube socks. just like in high school.

 

Blogger alizinha is a gaywad.

In what part of Brazil did you preach The Word?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gabrielle sarah,
pee markers. oh the symbolism.
==================


Aimee,
who me? YOU ARE RIGHT!
=================


Chief Cameltoe,
thanks cammy, they are absolutely 87% true.
=================



Wendy,
true stories are kinda fun.
=================


poopee shmoopee,
no more roommates for me. all their shit everywhere. no way.
==================



Lake Allison,
i have used that phrase many times over the years, its the perfect way to make fun of religious people.
===================



Aimee,
stop that this instant.
====================


Francine Ocelot
"slap each other with pee-wet tube socks. "
rad.
===================



alizinha.
sao paulo, neighborhoods included
belemzinho, ipiranga, santo amaro, taboao da serra, guaruja, ummmm praca da arvore. i think thats all.

my favorite was probably belemzinho because it was so fucked up and crime ridden but it always smelled like fresh baked cookies due to all the cookie factories nearby.

where are you?

 

Blogger alizinha is a gaywad.

NYC. And for the record, I'm a U.S.er, just fond of Brazil...

 

Post a Comment

March 04, 2006

The First Time I Ever Thonked My Boner on The Pillsbury Cookie Dough Girl's Leg

So I got this MySpace survey deal which actually had some good questions in it. Originally I answered them all with real short answers, but hell, all the questions were about first times doing stuff, so I figured the twenty questions would get me through the next twenty blog posts, so bite me faggots.


1. Who was your first prom date?


My first prom date was a white girl named Margaret Somethingerother. She wasn't even close to being fat but she had really squishy white arms and lots of moles, and although I never got a chance to maw on her wobbly non-biceps or any other part of her gooey body, there is a very good chance that she was made entirely out of chocolate chip cookie dough.

She was a senior, I was a sophomore. I didn't ask her to prom, she asked me to prom. That makes me freeeking RAD. I thought I was the coolest fucking sophomore dude in the whole school. I mean I was asked by a SENIOR chick to HER prom and she was made out of COOKIE FUCKING DOUGH! Sure, now that I look back, everyone was probably thinking, "oh that pathetic Cookie Dough Margaret", but fuck off assholes, I was MILFing all over the god damn place long before MILFing was god damn COOL.

We went in her yellow Jeep with a torn rag top. She drove. It was fucking freezing and the ride was very bumpy. The drive up seemed to take forfuckingever. I haven't the slightest idea what we talked about, I was just amazed that I was on a date with a senior chick. As she steered that bouncy Jeep her arms jiggled like hell. It was pretty cool.

She wore a beige colored dress which was basically the same exact color as her skin (sans the chocolate chips) so if you squinted just so, she may as well have been completely naked, you know, like one of those formerly fat people who has all that extra skin flapping around, yeah, like that. I didn't do the squinting trick then but I can certainly imagine it very clearly in my mind right now.

Whoa, I'm still imagining it.

Now I'm imagining her twirling around and all her loose skin is flapping out to the sides and chocolate chips are flying off everywhere and people and small animals are running up to lick her and Maury Povich is trying to get her number to be on his show because he loves the babes with enough skin to cover ten sofas -- mann, my imagination is fucking kicking my ass right now --- HOLY SHIT!!, some of her skin flaps just flew off and hit the principal in the face like a big pizza dough thing. Everyone is laughing and pointing, THIS IS AWESOME!!.

Ok -- sorry, back to the story,

The prom was at he state capitol building in SLC -- total echo chamber. Why the fuck do people throw dances in places like this? It was like throwing a dance in a giant toilet stall. Everything was all marble and freezing cold. Dumb I tell ya. Dumb. Nobody could tell what fucking song was playing because it was so forking muddy and ECHOEY. The place was huge though so you didn't need to worry about farting, you could totally fart out loud while crop dusting and nobody would know due to the loud echoing and the drafty type layout of the place, so that part was good. Holding in date farts sucks. Literally.

We slow danced and I probably had a boner because when I was in high school I always got a boner slow dancing. I wasn't the type to rub it on your leg or anything though, I mean if you wanted to rub your leg on my boner, that was entirely up to you, I mean, I'm not about ready to just keep moving my boner leg away from your leg if you keep trying to touch it, I'm mean if you want to chase my boner leg around with your leg, that's cool and everything but that's just gonna make us end up turning in circles too much and too fast and we'll end up looking like complete idiots. YOU WANT MY BONER ON YOUR LEG? FINE. HERE. HAPPY?

Anyway, we didn't even make out. I was too chicken or Mormon or something, besides, she was old enough to be my grandma.

My hair looked like a comb over. I was a New Waver.

I haven't the slightest idea what ever happened to that chick. Wouldn't it be cool if she ended up working in a cookie factory or like a place where they sew extra useless fat people skin into pillows or hand bags or slippers or something? Yeah, that'd be rad.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught chasing your own boner leg with your other leg or your shoulder or something.
Your Break Dance Consultant To The President,
Bruce Lee

Oh yeah, I'm trying out this new third party software app that claims to be able to filter out IPs, it's all PHP based and I installed it on my server myself so I don't know if it's gonna work, but the idea is that it routes all the comments through my server and anything designated blocked gets thrown out and I don't ever even get it and neither does blogger. It is supposed to block by region as well and it is permission based. Right now I have certain parts of Texas blocked, so if you are a nice person and I have blocked you without meaning to I am sorry but if you can figure out how to email me, I can unblock your specific IP.

Anyway comments are back on provided this thing works.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

HA! IT WORKS!

YAY!

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

I never ever went to prom. I had a date junior year but I ditched him to drink on the railroad tracks.

He was a meathead and looked like an overgrown penis.


YAYYY COMMENTS.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

aaaaaaahahhhh...thaaaat's better. the gay has RETURNED!

 

Blogger Himbly is a gaywad.

I"m Canadian, so I'm never quite sure what a 'prom' is (or maybe Canadian's know and I just hated high school enough to get a ringing in my ears everytime someone tried to explain it to me).

Anyway...my first high school dance...well, at the time I was so into my dad's music and Duran Duran is the only thing that really broke through that dad music barrier...

Rock Lobster came on. I had no idea what that song was and was kinda dumbfounded and, 'what the eff is this?' and didn't realize that you were supposed to go down down down down and opened my eyes ('cause they were shut to hear the song) and realized that everyone was on the floor and I was moving around with my eyes closed trying to figure out what this new 'thing' was and my hair was crimped, I think.

Incidently, I really like the song Rock Lobster.

Anyway...I was so embarrassed that I started to wear all black and listen to the Smiths soon afterwards. And never went to a high school dance again.

I shouldn't comment when I'm drunk.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

gabrielle sarah,
thats better than an undergrown penis i suppose.
===============

poopee shmoopee,
yeah well comments were turned off for all of TWO DAYS!!! OH THE HORROR! it sucks that i still have to manually publish each comment and since it;s interrupting the blogger part, i don't immediately get an email telling me when i have comments so i have to check my own freeking site now. i'm sure there must be a work around.
===============

Himbly,
good story himbly,
i never went down during that song, instead i stood tall issuing the order and pointing at people and they all obeyed my faggy comand. i don't know why nobody else ever does that. it certainly make a person feel mighty.

 

Anonymous BC Slais is a gaywad.

It is good to see that BC Slais' portion of Texas is not blocked. I might have to email my fist right into your anus if it had been otherwise.

 

Blogger Himbly is a gaywad.

oh my god! What a great idea!

the visual image of that in my head has made me giggle periodically for the past couple of hours.

I wish I would have thought of that!

 

Blogger The Bees Knees is a gaywad.

I thought I'd get blocked cause that's ME outside your living room window every night, but I didn't, so ... YEEEEE HAW!!

Don't you know that a boner wrapped up in cookie dough is the best fucking boner, EVER?!?!

You need to get that girl back pronto. Issue a fatwa, go on Oprah, whatever it takes.. you need to bone the dough, dawg.


I went with the fucking HOT swiss exchange student who wore a skinny tie and a 40s suit but who got soooo drunk he couldn't even MAKE OUT at the hyatt later on that eve. This kid puked in the limo, puked off the balcony, puked on the monogramed towels... you name it - he puked on, near and beside it.

Now I only deal with men who can hold their drink and I thank the prom for this beautiful, almost religious revelation.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

peewang,
how could i ever block austin? bow was your cruise? when you gonna get back to writing? hurry.
======================



Himbly,
try it nextg time, you'll have a whole room of subjects who all wished they had thought of it too.
======================



Holly,
i wouldnt imagine that girl would have aged very well -- who knows though.

i have never humped a food product, -- thought of it -- but never did it.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

btw,
the region/ip blocking seems to be working, but if you don't see your comment here for some reason it's probably because it got sent to comment hell with the others, unfortunately i have no way of checking if or what it has been blocking successfully so i guess i have to rely on you all to tell me if some things aren't making it through.

i'll figure it all out eventually.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

max planck and i were homecoming queens at different times. and got special senior superlative awards at prom. sometimes i think i should put that on my resume. i still have a bent old crown with rhinestones missing that looks fairly symbolic to me now.

i didn't go to homecoming freshman year and instead had a COOL!! slumberparty at my house with all the other girls that didn't get asked and instead we walked door to door with flyers for my dad and went to a big fundraiser for him (it was an election year). LAME.

my boyfriend went to mexico with his family my jr year of prom so i had to go with his best friend that didn't drink and grew up to be a dentist. it wasn't much fun. nice guy, but you understand.

sr. year homecoming and prom were similarly awful. one date got sick and threw up because of the fog machine and drove himself home. and i passed out alone in a recliner listening to people have sex on the floor 2 feet away from me.

 

Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

My righteous Utah cousins went to prom at the state capitol building in SLC...I have their obnoxious wallet size photos to prove it. Maybe you didn't rub your hard-on on one of my cousins?

I never went to prom. Maybe if I had I be righteously pro-creating like my fucking cousins? Naw.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Ok, I tried like three times to post yesterday, if this one doesn't work I will...I don't know, e-mail you I guess...

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

ok, I think it worked, so my question is, the moles are the chocolate chips?!

 

Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

Hey Merkley??? Hope all is well. Need a laugh on me? Go to my audio post on interview with Pearl #69 Take care buddy!

 

Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

I had just started to read this post and then got a call and had to leave in 5, so I just left a message before. You made me wet myself, reading this. Good thing I had on my sweat pants and not some expensive Levi's, lol or you'd be getting my laundromat bill mister!

 

Blogger funkybiznatch is a gaywad.

ho-kay first things first.

i am so glad that you realize it's not cool to put your boner on a girl's leg. as a victim of what i like to call "The Dong Press" i can speak truthfully and educatedly about how annoying and NOT hot it is to have someone press their dong on you univited. it's like if we want to feel your dong on our leg we will probably reach for it. no need to press it against us to let us know it's there.

secondly my prom ruled and sucked. it ruled because i made a statment and took a lesbian. they told me you can't take a girl. so i was like oh yeah? watch me...i gots me a real live lesbian and she's coming with me. she wore a leather jacket and combat boots. everyone was convinced i was a dyke so i just went with it. to this day there are people who think i am a big ol carpet muncher. i have proof too. can i post pictures here? hmm let's try.

yeah it don't like html so you gotta cut and paste this bitch http://img373.imageshack.us/img373/2630/219229765l2sb.jpg

that's me at my prom with my dyke date and my crew of misfits.i wore a silver vintage dres instead of dressing like a whore. it worked well.

prom sucked because my lesbo didn't even put out. she kept mumbling something about "not into turning straight girls" what a bitch.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Francine Ocelot,
how come i never new you were such a hottie? damn. sweet. i wish my prom date had looked like you.
====================

Melliferous Pants,
dude. i'm not a boner rubber -- hey -- multiple meanings there.
================



Wendy,
duh dood.
================




Babsbitchin',
depends -- you know, diapers for adults n'shit. they are surprisingly comfortable.
=================



funkybiznatch,
DYKE PROM!!!
good story. awesome picture.
=================

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ps
sorry it's taking me so long to respond to commments and post and what not -- i have been distracted by many other projects these days.

 

Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

Keep laughing Mr. Smarty Britches, before you know it, you can't understand why your lederhosen just don't fit right anymore. It's all about depends!

 

Post a Comment

March 01, 2006

Bros or Hos Before Hos or Bros or Whatever You Call It If You're a Gay, I Mean, I Don't Want The Fags to Feel Left Out n'Shit

You, Polltaker, get a crush. The Crush is in a relationship with some Random Fucker. You tell The Crush to ditch The Random Fucker. The Crush moves to a city far away that you visit somewhat regularly. The Crush calls to say The Random Fucker is duly ditched. Your Best Pal moves to the same city as The Crush. Best Pal KNOWS very well about The Crush but doesn't actually know The Crush except for what you, Polltaker has told Best Pal. The Crush sees Best Pal on the street and says "Hey, you're Polltaker's Best Pal" They talk on the street and call you to include you on the chance encounter. Two weeks later The Crush calls from the dinner she is having with Best Pal and The Crush is still flirty. You wait for Best Pal to chime in but never does. The only thing Best Pal and The Crush have in common is YOU. You hang up and, to give fair warning without being too serious, you text Best Pal the following message:

"Just so you know, The Crush and I are engaged to be married".

Best Pal never texts back and never mentions it. You know Best Pal very well, Best Pal is being a dick. Two days later, in a drunken state, you email Best Pal a very detailed message about how Best Pal has violated all trust and has completely betrayed you and what the fuck was Best Pal thinking? Best Pal fires back a vitrolic email about how you don't OWN The Crush and that by being pissed you are a total pussy faggot etc...





Best Pal is completely out of line because Best Pal totally went against protocol which is to get clearance and not be secretive. I mean come the fuck on, everybody knows that.

Best Pal is right, you ARE a pussy faggot, you don't even live in that city mann, you can't treat every crush like property n'shit. besides, you have at least 5 crushes at any given time.

So the fuck what? Who cares how many crushes I have? There are four million other possible people upon which Best Pal can skeeze. FUCKING PROTOCOL DUDE!

Best Pal should be punched in the balls because now, even though Best Pal has been schooled and has backed off, The Crush probably sensed some jealousy which totally throws salt on your game.

You should chill the fuck out. Things probably wouldn't even work out with The Crush, you should at least give Best Pal a shot at The Crush. Seriously, grow the fuck up.

OH YEAH? Well, That's easy for YOU to say you're married and miserable or your Random Fucker beats you or you're so ugly and stupid nobody wants you so the only possibility for getting laid is to skeeze up on Polltakers crushes cuz lord knows you ain't getting any of your own OF COURSE YOU SIDE WITH BEST PAL!! ASSHOLE.

Wait, what were we talking about?

This whole poll is gay.







That's all for now.
Don't get caught making up really super random shit about some imaginary friend moving to some imaginary city and hitting on one of your imaginary chicks because you know nothing like that would ever REALLY imaginary happen.
Your Imaginary Poll Taking Imaginary Princess of Imaginary Whales,
Bill Cosby

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

yay! i am the first voter! AND commenter.

yes. i am a gay loser.

 

Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

i'm going to write in vote "merkley stop being so anxious in all your new posts, it is making me nervous."

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

poopee,
what gay did you lose?
==========

gaby,
shut-up nervousface.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

also, i forgot to mention, i wasn't even going to write about this subject but today i read on virgil kents blog about his adventures with one of his buddies and how things got all screwy -- SO BLAME HIM!

it's all virgil kent's fault.

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Holy poophead, gayman! That blows...I voted punch him in the nuts.

 

Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

Ha! I voted twice, once for the first one and then for the one about punching him in the balls. It is totally acceptable to commit acts of violence towards said friend. I wish things were old school back in the days were if a man betrayed you in such a way, you could pull out your sword and challenge him to a dual to the death. Sweet! I would have probably killed 9 men y the age of 21. But back then there was no cure for syphilis, not sweet :(

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i lost the gayest gay of all gays.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

merkley, if i were in san fran i would immediately slap your face with a pair of buttery soft leather gloves for even writing that you have a crush on a lady other than myself. does my advice count for nothing? i'm boycotting this blog. and i'm sorry lou reed stole your woman.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

Wendy,
thanks
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Virgle Kent,
i thought you'd agree. i'm glad i'm not the only handsome man thinking about bro/ho politics.
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poopee shmoopee,
name names.
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Francine Ocelot,
francine, i have tried to pry you away from your fiancee a billiion times. slap yourself with that glove.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

until blogger will figures out that they need to enable users to block specific ips or regions, the fun interaction part of this blog will have to be left on hiatus. comments are off.

you are all teriffic. i'll miss the interaction.

 

Blogger hotdawgit is a gaywad.

What a dick!

 

Blogger ~*Bettie is a gaywad.

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