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April 29, 2006

If I Was an Adopted, Blood Squirting, Diaper Saving, Boob Watching Mayoral Incumbant

If I was a Really Cool Car Commercial, I'd show perfect burritos coming out of the tail pipes of a new car as it raced down a curvy road in Ireland and leprechauns would come out of the woods and gobble up the burritos and they'd trade in their leprechaun hats for flaming sombreros and then the jolly green giant would pick up the car and scratch it's belly and the car would giggle and squirt blood out of the windsheild washing fluid squirters all while Celine Dion sang a new rendition of The National Anthem in French and Brad Pitt ran around in a pink wedding dress pointing at each leprechaun saying "ADOPTED" each time. I hate car commercials but I wouldn't hate that one.

If I was a Wedding Dress Made Out of Cotton Candy and Silly String, some homo designer would be all thinking he was some kind of genius artist for having designed me and presented me at some crappy fashion show/crappyliveband/cruddyartshow/fundraiser type deal held in a shithole warehouse space in South of Market, but really all I'd be is a fucking mess to clean up that made everybody think in their heads "LAME" even though they are all lame Burning Man dorks too. Burning Man fuckwads don't know shit fer shit.

If I was Some Dude Named Fuckwad DibbleFubble Poonturd, I'd run for mayor every second of my life and it wouldn't matter if I won or not because my satisfaction would come from the fact that I had the most talked about front lawn signs in the history of mayoral races. Oh yeah, the signs would be made out of recycled diapers, but I wouldn't tell anyone, some jokes are just for me.

If I was The Best Diaper Idea To Ever Be Invented, I'd be a diaper with some kind of powder chemical substance that would turn baby turds and pee into some kind of usable household good like a calculator or super strong rubber bands or postage stamps or light bulbs or FLIP FLOPS!!. Holy fuck I have good ideas.

That's all for now!
Don't get caught going scan scan scan -- BOOBS! scan scan scan scan MORE BOOBS! while you miss out on the future of everything.
Your Bottle of Some Orangeish Liquid With Flecks of Skin in it,
Hanky Glovebutt

PS -- some of you have emailed saying your comments aren't showing up. It's not my fault. I'm not moderating you out -- I'm just not getting them. My filtering software seems to have taken on a mind of it's own and is blocking all kinds of shit I didn't ask it to block but I don't have the energy to try and fix it because if you click on any of the pics above it will take you to my flickr site where it's comments galore with no problems at all.

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i love burritos AND flip flops. all the blue in the last shot.


Blogger raymi lauren is a gaywad.

and Brad Pitt ran around in a pink wedding dress pointing at each leprechaun saying "ADOPTED" each time. ahahahahahahaHA!


Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

I'd get married if I could wear that dress.


Blogger Thicky is a gaywad.

I got filtered here once, actually twice!!!

maybe your diaper chemical changer can make a fiter fish that will throw up all the comments and make a dress (cocktail) with all the missing comments your original filter monster ate...



Blogger grrlsweat is a gaywad.

i especially like the sheri second from the bottom for the placement of the hanging lamp and it's pretty phallic enclave.


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April 21, 2006

Blurssed With a Gooful Dose of Delufidence

Last night, as I often do, I interviewed myself as I walked to the meeting place where people drink booze.

merkley???: what is your secret merkley???

merkley???: I was blessed with a good dose of confidence and cursed with an awful dose of delusion.

merkley???: so you were blurssed with a gooful dose of delufidence?

merkley???: exactly.

merkley???: I'm in love with you.

merkley???: Yeah well I hate your guts.

Highfivery ensued.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught with your hand up Barbara Walters peehole.
Your favorite type of baloney,
Scrubbing Bubble

Anonymous Chrystal is a gaywad.

The pictures are bee-a-u-tiful!! Excellent job!


Anonymous The Ghost of Professor Leotus Clouse and The Duke of Sweet Cheeks says their ipod is a gaywad.

Dood, you gotta crush on yourself, wait till I tell you about it, you're gonna go tell everyou.


Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

barbara walters must have a HUGE peehole! one time i was packing her fine china and some popcorn packing foam escaped out of the box and floated right into her peehole and she liked it!


Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Wow. Incredible.

He looks like a proud father...


Blogger Erin O'Brien is a gaywad.

Yes, I am a gaywad.

I find this post to be masturbatory, educational and entertaining.

Carry on.


Blogger raymi lauren is a gaywad.

dude that was radulicious.


Blogger Tumbleweed is a gaywad.

I just have to say I have never seen nipples that big! oh wait, I guess I am straight and should not be looking at nipples. What was I thinking?


Blogger Inner Fonzie is a gaywad.

I think those are the largest areolas I have ever seen. Do you have "before" pictures to compare? I want to know how big mine will get if I get pregnant.

The tattoos rock!

When are you posting the tutorial on your photoshopping techniques?


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April 17, 2006

If I Was a Dead Feminist Grandmother's Lazy Tornado Boner

If I was A Tornado That Was Shaped a Little Bit More Like a Schlong Than Your Average Tornado, I would twist and blow my way over between two hills that were shaped a little bit more like boobs than your average hills and I'd just keep going back and forth between them over and over and over so that some weatherman's dream could come true and he could finally say the word Pornado on the nightly news.

If I was a Weatherman With a Boner Live On The 6 O'clock News, I'd Probably try really hard to think about something really gross like my naked grandma or a dead cat to try to make it go away but then I'd might get really nervous for a second because those aren't things that I normally think about so who the fuck knows how my boner is going to behave given the weirdness of the cameras and all? Better just stick with thinking about what would happen if I used it as a pointer and then thonked it on the lead anchorwoman's chin. May as well.

If I was a Feminist Anchorwoman Trapped in a Giant Monster's Nuttsack, I might wanna tone down my act a bit and try to get along with all the sperms floating around me because they really don't seem to be the most rational creatures in the world and I wouldn't want one of them trying to drill his egghead up my butt or something. Does that make sense?

If I was a Really Super Lazy But Abnormally Intelligent Sperm, I'd just chill out and hang back for a few dozen ejaculation cycles just tryin to get a feel for what type of sperms have the most ambition and drive and whatnot, then when a fresh group of young sperms came in, I'd have them all profiled to the point where I'd know just the right things to say to get all up in their heads and fuck with their game to the point where they'd be all swimmin' the wrong way down the tubes and I'd basically just waltz up to the egg all by myself and casual like and I'd tap on it and say something like "Open it up bitch, Daddy's HOME."

That's all for now.
Don't get caught thinking about a feminist anchorwoman flying out of a monster's boner.
Your Grandmother's High School Sweetheart,
Miracle Whip

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Dude what's that grey rectangley thing on the floor in front of the couch?

And you know what, I totally was that sperm. So this whole post just spoke to me.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

are you serious?

it's a powerbook dood.


Anonymous Aja is a gaywad.

I love the sperm strategy!!! You are one smart nut!

Would the pornado get tired eventually? How long does that go on for? Does it leave a necklace of some sort?


Blogger marriedman chang is a gaywad.

pornado...fucking hillarious.


Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

yeah dude, that shit is funny


Blogger marriedman, turbo charged is a gaywad.

Hey marriedman's, where's rokken? We need some sweet blog guitar solo's....


Blogger the original marriedman is a gaywad.

yeah...rokken, where are you?


Blogger marriedman, rokken is a gaywad.

Sorry dudes, I got caught in fucking traffic and shit...


der ner ner weoweoweo
der ner ner wewo wewo



Blogger marriedman is a gaywad.

that shit was totally douche rokken.


Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

wow its like a news blog but like way better cause youre all like reporting on the newscasters and events and shit. you should be a reporter for the guardian.


Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

you know after you last post I felt like I was just some kind of perv. To be a true fan of your work one must also read the writing. It's like how the perfect steak needs the perfect potatoes to go along with it.
I must let you know that I do envy your work like no other....

so can i holla at Joy or what?


Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

what did she do to get trapped all up in some giant monster's nutsack?

i also think would be really aweseome if she faught pornado in hand-to-schlong combat.


Blogger Dashiell is a gaywad.

that's interesting, virg, because i didn't even the blog still had words on it anymore.

???, don't you ever get tired of taking pictures of naked ladies? it's exhausting just to look at them.

i miss the good old days.


Anonymous Aja is a gaywad.

I posted a comment yesterday about the pornado and it possibly leaving some sort of necklace, but it never made it on your comments!!!

I also said something like, you are a smart nut. You would be the Christian Slater of sperm (that is CS in Heathers). You and Wynona would make a great zygote.

And yeah, how did the lady get stuck in the nutsack?


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i realize i am a complete fag gaywad dickface fuckwad for not responding to comments as i used to, but hey, when you are a douchehole fartcrammer beanflipper like me, sometimes you'll end up bein a fizzfucker and doin lame shit like that.

you understand.


Blogger grrlsweat is a gaywad.

fizzfucker, i wantchew to take my piktcha.


Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

you are a cuntbag douchewad for not immediately responding to my brilliantly stimulating commentitry.

flickr is my newest obsession, no thanks to you, you smarmy white-tennied fucknut.


Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

yeah, well, I have been ignored by bigger and better people than you...

and, beside, by saying you are a douchehole for not responding to comments, you are actually responding to all comments. So Hah!

So, I resisted the temptation to become Morman, even though my boss still has Sister Sarah and Sister Kelly calling leaving messages on my machine. They gave me a Book of Morman, I might read it. I just kept thinking of you when they tried to wipe my mind clean...


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April 09, 2006

Peegg Mooje Norb Barlno Spooee Beez Naj Morj

Basically, what I'm tryin to say is that I have been busy, just not on the old blog -- flickr kicks the crap out of blogging. In the one month I've been on flickr I have had 100,000 visits there and tons of comments. Over here? Pffff, not much.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught pooleeffin fruuwm blooob blob,
Your Peeeeje Mooorj Smawje Noooj,
Dale Burnfart.

Anonymous The Ghost of Professor Leotus Clouse and The Duke of Sweet Cheeks never ever is a gaywad.

I don't know, you can't customize the layout of flickr like you've done so masterfully on ze blog here.
Kinda cheapens the Merkley??? experience if you ask me.
Then again, I'm all about cheap thrills so I can dig it.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i agree with you that it doesn't look as fancy, but what it lacks in that area it more than makes up for in usability and organization. here i have maybe a couple hundred regular visitors and there in less than a month i have nearly 500 with more coming in by the truckloads.

i know it's not about visitors and whatever, but the exposure and feedback possibilities that flickr has made a reality are really pretty impressive.

anyway, i'm my own top referrer to my own blog.

and with my photography taking center stage, even my readers here have made it perfectly clear that they don't read the awesome stuff i write. they just wanna look at naked chicks.

at least on flickr 90% of the comments are about the photography and not just the tits.

not that i'm complainin or anything.

i can have both.


Blogger MPD is a gaywad.

oh merkley I always read what you have to say,,,the naked chicks are just trife to what you write i think


Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

merkley???, darling, I put you on my Maniac Monday posting. You are just so talented, I had to share you.


Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

did that "kitty" just happen to be in the right spot in the right time, or did you put him there after the fact...I laughed when I saw that, very tongue in cheek humor...nice!


Blogger Aimee is a gaywad.

that picture with the cat is awesome.


Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i LOVE flickr and your photos blow my mind. the portrait is one of my favourite subjects and i admire how you capture the sexy essence of each person you photograph. naked or not.

no really, i hate you.


Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Sure you can have eleventh-bazillion hits on flicka, but they'll never match the quality of those of us who have continually been here enjoying your "unique" point of view.

Please tell me that you are at least getting some "shutter time" with these chicks...


Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

I like the awesome stuff you write.


Anonymous Aja is a gaywad.

I feel sort of empty if I just look at the pics. I need the writing. Are you ever concerned about someone ripping your pictures?

Keep flogging!


Anonymous Chrystal is a gaywad.

I think I would be lost if I ever went to my faves clicked on merkley??? and had nothing to read-I check everyday! I laugh, I cry, I cheer, the photos are great but it's the hilarity that ensues while I read the blog that gets me through the day.....don't ever leave me! really-don't ever leave me I will find you....I WILL find you....hee hee-keep up the good work gorgeous


Anonymous gaby is a gaywad.

merkley my favorite thing you've ever done has been the encounters with famous people. which all happened preblog. i'm sayin...yer photos are tops (and you know i think so) but your writing is so fucking wonderous. makes me sad theres no more kidlets with funny captions (maybe my favorite series of blog entries) or satire. TRES SAD.

not that i am complaining. i'm not. i'm just going to read your archives. for the bajillionth time.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

thanks dood.

oh babs you are always so nice.

yeah -- the cat actually was there. i was so happy when that happened.


poopee shmoopee,
i hate you too poops. in the best way possible of course.

Squid Vicious,
ha ha -- squid -- always thinkin bout the hoohee.

Melliferous Pants,
thanks melli, i'll be back, i'm just swept away with this sofa series project.

more writing SOON -- i promise. it's not like i could just stop being an asshole even if i wanted.


thanks chrystal.
i swear i'm not goin anywhere.

ha ha -- can't you see that i'm just trying to get a few people askin nicely? i'm four years old in that regard -- oh yeah, and in most other regards too.


Blogger Tumbleweed is a gaywad.

You must be hot as hell to get all those gorgeous women to take off thier clothes! I would get naked for you in a minute!!


Blogger HKD is a gaywad.

i love your photos, but i do think that your blog is the full sensory experience of madness and art and sex.


come to toronto so you can take pictures of me and raymi (not ness. together. ha.)


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