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May 12, 2006

If I Was Tony "Special Sauce" Robbins' Retarded Uncle Dan "Red Tag" Rather.

If I was Tony Robbins' very next motivational world tour, my message would go as follows:
(imagine huge teeth and hands)

"If you ever find yourself standing in a room of 100 naked retards and in your left pocket you have 99 red tags and a stapler, and in your right pocket you have 1 shiny green star sticker and your mission is to identify your 1 FAVORITE naked retard, use the 1 shiny green star sticker on the 1 enlarged forehead of your 1 favorite retard instead of stapling 99 red tags to the 99 dicks of the other 99 retards.

NOBODY LIKES A RED TAG STAPLED TO THEIR DICK, NOT EVEN A RETARD!

well almost nobody, fuckin Maplethorpe.


If I was a Red Tagged Naked Retard Who Just Happened To Be Totally Into The Photography of Robert Maplethorpe, I would be bummed that that interesting fact did nothing to change my status as retard with a red tag stapled to his dick.


If I was a Staple, I'd prefer to have my legs shot straight into a retard's forehead rather than being stapled into the nuttsack skin of the same retard yielding my legs clamped and curled by the other part of the stapler that was designed to bend my legs for gripping purposes. Mostly because if I sit with my legs bent for more than 20 minutes it's painsville because I have had mild arthritis since I was a little kid.


If I was Dan Rather Reporting on The Sudden Wave of Staple Red Tagging Retard's Nuttsacks, I'd be a little bummed that even the retards were taking everything I said and dividing it by 10 and then I'd think to myself, "sheesh why did I throw my career away like that?" then I'd casually brush my hand against my own weehoo to make triple sure I didn't have a red tag stapled to it like I honestly deserved.


That's all for now.
Don't get caught pretending a staple remover is a monster sayin MAAARM MARRRMM MARRM and going for the groins of people in the room.
Your Two All Beef Patties Special Sauce Lettuce Cheese Pickles Onions On A Sesame Seed Bun,
Corky

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