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August 27, 2006

All British People Should Be Humanely Euthanized and Boiled in Jihad Ketchup

Seriously.

"Why -- I'm speechless."

"Yet speaking."

"I mean, I have no words to speak how I feel about that."

"So far you've spoken 16 words that speak how you feel about that."

"Yeah, but I'm uncertain how I feel."

"Uncertainty is a feeling."

"I'm not so certain I'd say I feel uncertain."

"You certainly seem uncertain."

"No, just at a loss for words."

"Yet you keep speaking --- words."

"You're making me."

"The speechless speak not."

"That's just a figure of speech."

Brothers and sisters, I think I have clearly proven why the British can go fuck themselves. Furthermore, It is abundantly clear why you should all shut the hell up until you can articulate something intelligent.

Amen.

Now this girl:

That's all for now.
Don't get caught crop dusting the midget convention.
Your Grampas Favorite Brand of Pickled Pig's Feet,
Star Jones

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Bostick is a gaywad.

Your blog is fucking funny and has tits. Thanks.. I am over here>

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

I don't think anyone is going to comment until they can articulate something intelligent.

Me, I'm a blathering idiot so I'll just put down any random crap that comes into my mind.

Um... ok... point taken.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

As I have nothing important to say, I shall refrain from further making an ass of myself.

Today's post on my blog more than makes up for the lame-ass meme bullshit I was forced into...

 

Blogger ~Melissa~ is a gaywad.

You tell 'em merkley, scream it to the world!

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

the burritos i just had for dinner were very good. i love burritos. that is all.

 

Blogger ~Melissa~ is a gaywad.

Tag! Merkley's it

 

Blogger grrlsweat is a gaywad.

yer comments are wacked for the boyardee post above. perhaps it is purposeful and i have yet to get the hidden clues.

but... that's not gunna stop me:

i LOVED the chef ravioli. oh and the mini meatballs with mini ravioli. godDAMN. sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between genuine cool hipster chick and try hard pretentious twit. people are crazy. all of us.

that bathroom is AMAZING - as are the photos of course, as usual.

now i'm gunna go try reading it backwards.

 

Blogger Mikey S is a gaywad.

You would think the creator of an internet blog would be appreciative of a nation who can talk yet say nothing. Isn't that the premise behind a blog in the first palce?

Nice to find another blog promoting ranting and softcore.

 

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August 20, 2006

If You Don't Want Me to Pee On You, Don't Hide in The Bushes.

Yeah, blending in has it's advantages, especially if you're up to no good.

As for me, I think blending in is for pussies.

I don't remember 99% of the people I meet and it's because they aren't memorable. I used to get embarrassed and mad at myself for not remembering people when they clearly remembered me, but for about the last 10 years I have directed that tepid anger towards the schlubbs who act like I SHOULD remember them when there is really no demonstrable reason that ANYONE should.

I'll use an example from nearly 15 years ago.

It was in Utah where I was a concert promoter always throwin parties for the kids. I was standing around being all rad, just keeping the party organized and fun for all in attendance when this girl comes up to me and punches me in the arm -- pretty hard.

"You. are. such. a. JERK!" She nasaled.

"Ow -- huh? Why?"

"I have met you at LEAST a dozen times and you NEVER remember me."

Still throbbing from her punching me in the arm pretty hard, and having grown completely sick of this crud happening way too fucking much, I grabbed her by the arm pretty hard and pulled her over to the full ceiling to floor mirror about ten feet away.

"Look at yourself, do you see anything memorable about what you see there? Shirt -- Ross. Pants -- Chandler. Hair -- Monica. Shoes -- Joey. You're not even copying the right SEX. You are the poster child for suburban camoflauge." Her face grew longer by the second. "See that psychobilly dude over there with all the tattoos? I never met him but I remember HIM, see that girl over there with that ridiculous dress and yellow purse? I don't know her either but I see her everywhere. Your goal so far in life has been to BLEND IN --- congratulations, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! For fucks sake I just about forgot about you JUST NOW even though we have been talking for 2 minutes and YOU CALLED ME A JERK AND PUNCHED ME IN THE ARM PRETTY HARD. Of course now, I MIGHT remember you as the boring, normal looking jerk chick who punched me in the arm pretty hard. How rad for you."

Anyway, she almost cried, but I didn't feel bad because she punched me in the arm pretty hard.

But here's the best part of the story; next time I saw her, she was, no joke, dressed head to toe in a skin tight red leather jumpsuit with white shoes.

I have impact dood.

So yeah, I'm not a dick, because here's the the other best part of the story; that chick ended up sleeping with all of my very limited group of dude friends, I believe she was trying to get back at me.

Anyway, blend in if ya wanna, stand in line, shop at the mall, I don't give half a fuck, just don't punch me in the arm pretty hard about it. That's all.

Amen.

Now for this girl:

That's all for now.
Don't get caught acting like you weren't slightly pissed that she fucked your friends instead of you when you were the one who did all the work to get her all slutty like that and you KNOW that she was really wanting to fuck you anyway and your friends were just the next best things.
Your Fifth Grade Math Teacher,
Porn

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Luckily for me, I have a great memory when it comes to people. I have only encountered one time where i completewly forgot someone. He said, "Hey Squid" like I knew him all my life. I had nothing. He had a Billy Idol haircut and double sleeve tattoos.

Long story short, I had to go back up to him and ask: Uh, I'm sorry, but I don't remember you.

To which he replied, "I was Shawn's friend back in seventh grade. You guys made me drink Windex". Then I remembered him...

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

people remember me, I don't remember them.

That is THE single hottest, prettiest chick you have photographed.

Hey, you know who I remember a lot, the girl you photographed with the anchor tattoo on the backside of her arm and the cut on her finger. I like her.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

guess who wanted to pass along a message to you?:

WHAT YOU ARE BLOGGING AGAIN?? I STARTED 7TH GRADE AND MASTURBATED WITH A MAP PENCIL AND GOT KICKED OUT OF SOCIAL STUDIES!

LUV ALWAYS,
JANICE GLASS, JR.

 

Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

I must agree with Wendy for some reason that girl has always stayed on my mind but it's not like she was THAT hot, I loved the stiches and the whole I don't give a fuck tude she gave off.

I also love how most of your pictures look so balanced because of the lamps on both sides mixed with the color.

Do you use one room and like paint it over and over again for pics???

I used love a lot but I'm straight I swear!

holla

 

Blogger grrlsweat is a gaywad.

damn that shelly girl is something dangerous.

i love your compositions even more than the colours which seems impossible.

people remember me too well. i stick out when i'd prefer to blend in (i think). i don't remember shit all.

 

Blogger Himbly is a gaywad.

Indeed a post for the ages...

would you mind if I linked it to my practically non-existent blog?

I want to get the list of items to Friends right. Hilarity.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

link away himbly.

Hi everybody else.

 

Blogger Satan is a gaywad.

Dang, it's alive!

I had this blog shit-canned under 'turned up toes and carried out in a body bag'. Mov'n it back to 'funny-ass shitza with p'graphs'. I tried to graph my pee once... right off the chart! By chart I mean toilet seat.

I think everyone has 'impact' it's just that some people should be making it on the sidewalk from a height of seven stories or so.

...and yeah, I hear you about the queues, fuck queues.

Stay cool!

 

Blogger Justin Raden is a gaywad.

fuck, I can't remember people either. but I think its because of brain damage. anyway, good shit man.

 

Blogger Butchieboy is a gaywad.

I think that you have a wonderful blog. Your use of nude women is quite thrilling to me.

 

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August 16, 2006

Stop Standing in Line, You Look Like an Idiot.

I only preach because I fake care about you and I really want you to be happy so wipe that smile off your face and listen up. I'm dead serious. I'm even scowling.

If you are standing in line, I have irrefutable proof that you have fucked up in life. Here are some of your fuck-ups I can immediately spot.

1. You can't think for yourself.

"But everybody else is doing it so it must be cool". You say.

Ha ha! nice. Back in line -- moron.

Fuck it.

Enough about you, you're boring, after all you're the one standing in line. Let's talk about me. I'm way more interesting and I NEVER stand in lines. Not a coincidence.

Here are a few anecdotes about how I deal with lines and why -- in conversation form.

"merkley???, meet me at Club Douchebag in the Marina."

"No. Club Douchebag has a velvet rope and a line."

"You'll be on the list, you won't have to wait."

"But I'll have to get clearance from a meathead, I don't like meatheads and I don't need/want their clearance."

"I'll tell them Jesus is coming in a plaid suit and they will just let you through, besides everybody recognizes you, what are you worried about?"

"Worried about? I'm worried about meeting the people inside. The people inside are the people who stand in lines. I don't want to meet any line standers because they will just want me to go stand in a line with them somewhere else later on.."

"What about your favorite late night taqueria? That always has a line and you ALWAYS go there."

"Funny you should mention that. Last night I got there at 2am and there was a line around the corner, I walked straight in past the line and sat at the first empty table. When my taqueria dude walked by I handed him ten bucks and he went and got my regular order of super carne asada nachos with extra beans and cilantro and we didn't even need to exchange any conversation, just ten bucks. I'm a high roller at the taco stand."

"Well not everybody could do that. You stand out like a sore thumb and you are a regular there."

"And I'm a charming breathe of fresh air and a good tipper too, -- but I have a story about "blending in" I'll give you later, it's closely related to this conversation but I'll save it as to not confuse you.

"What about at the grocery store?"

"Safeway.com . Delivery dude."

"What about at the movies?"

"No line on monday."

"What about the line for the bathroom?"

"Dude, I'm a dude, there is never a line for dudes. But since we are on the subject, have you considered going twelve feet next door to the bar that you KNOW is completely empty and peeing there?"

"But there are no ins and outs"

"Classy joint. Thanks for making my point."

"Stop rhyming"

"Anyway, this is pretty basic stuff. A few years ago I made a critical error in judgement and decided to make an attempt to join the masses and my sister and I took her kids to Disneyland. As were were standing in some gay line in the hot sun, my little nephew, who was only 4 at the time, lets out a big sigh which nearly made his entire little body go limp like a piece of melting rubber and then he said: "uuuuuunnnnnghhhh, they should call it DisneyLINES". -------- I repeat, he was FOUR. The next day we went to the beach and there were no lines and no whining from anyone but me, cuz I don't like the sun."

"Well you're just weird, most people like doing what everybody else is doing."

"Yeah, keep them away from me."

Wasn't that a lovely conversation? I hope you learned something even though I hate you.

Amen.

Now this girl:

That's all for now,
Don't get caught saying it was your nephew who made the "DisneyLINES" comment when it was really you, even if he did laugh really hard because he totally "GOT IT".
Your toothbrush from when you were 12,
Taco Bell

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger FEJ is a gaywad.

I totally agree about lines

 

Blogger grrlsweat is a gaywad.

oh merkley you're SO pretty.

(if this makes some kind of non sense to the literary content of your post, please ignore since i have yet to read it, i just wanted to say hi, you're super bootifull, merkley's blog.

k bye.

 

Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

Merkley, I just read this post and your Yoko Ono post to a whole group of guys on a speaker phone in Georgia, my sons crew. They were bustin' up laughing. They said, "Tell that dude, he rocks!" My youngest is on a construction crew down there and they've cut out early and are starting the happy hour early. They'd stop me and make me read certain parts over and over and laugh like hell. It was some funny shit.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

that's awesome babs, thanks for telling me.

thanks grrrlsweat.

 

Blogger grrlsweat is a gaywad.

i'm a two rr'd grrl merkley! riot grrrl obsesseur grew up cyber grrl confessor. jeez. ;)

 

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August 06, 2006

Your Baby is Adorable, How Much Do You Want For It? I Have Cash.

Ahhhh the free market. Beautiful no?

A few years ago some of my friends were in town receiving an award for being rad rock stars, the award show sent them a limo and they picked me up and we tooled around town getting drunk before the big show. At one point the big limo pulled up to my second favorite taqueria and we all piled out like idiots.

Inside this taqueria hangs the most awesome painting of one of those rotating meat cookers, you know, the kind you see in greek and mexican food joints where they pile five billion pounds of meat onto a vertical skewer and it slowly rotates, cooking the outer most layer which is shaved off and crammed in your stupid face. The painting is glorious for a million reasons.

At the time, one of my rock star friends was decorating his new condo in west hollywood and being the drunkards we were, we hatched a plan to make an offer for the painting and we approached the cashier and began a retarded Mr. Moneybags campaign to get what we wanted --- with cash.

It felt awfully douchebaggy.

Because it was the epitome of douchebaggotry. (I made up that word)

After all, there was no price tag on it and it was doing an awfully fine job hanging on the wall making everyone's burrito consuming experience a little more pleasant.

Anyway, I bring this up because last night a yuppie friend of mine was hatching a plan to buy an awesome piece of art from my favorite monday night drinking spot.

"I WANT THAT PAINTING!" she said, "How much do you think I'd have to offer to get it?"

"What's wrong with leaving it there? I like it there, it's one of the reasons I like coming here, why can't you just stop trying to buy everything in sight and just leave it there where we can all enjoy it?"

"BECAUSE I WANT IT!"

Long story short, she turned into a giant blueberry and the Oompa Loompas had to roll her off to get squeezed.

So what am I trying to say?

What I am trying to say is that yuppies wreck everything.

OK, that's not what I am trying to say. I actually like one or two yuppies -- kinda.

Well, maybe it is, I'm not really sure what I am trying to say.

Ok, what I am trying to say is that your money will never ever ever make you cool, and any attempts to use it to do so will only have the opposite effect.

Cool ain't for sale dude.

I mean,

You can gold plate a turd, but inside it's still poop.

Now a gold plated turd WOULD be COOL.

Fake gold of course.

Fuck I'm smart.

And cool.

Amen.

Now this girl:


That's all for now.
Don't get caught switching the blueberry chick for the goose chick.
Your Lumpy Right Breast,
Mel Gibson

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

can I comment now? Hi Merkley!!

I personally like the Squirrel Girl from the newest Wonka flick. Veruca Salt? "But, Daddeee I waaant a sqwirl"

I am very happy you are hanging out here again. I do like Flicker but this is home.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Hello? Is this thing on? I missed commenting here. I was sad, now I will need to find something else to be sad about. How about yuppies? Nah, we travel in different circles. I guess I can be sad about Wal Mart people...

It seems being drunk is a pre-requisite for duopchebaggottry.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

My poops are for sale. They are SOLID GOLD. For you, only 5 bucks a shot.

I love how the kitty is yawning in the last shot, like "yeah, whatever dude."

 

Blogger grrlsweat is a gaywad.

money is for sale. i think that's the problem. how can you be cool if you can just go out there and buy it? seriously. i mean cool cool, not cleans up nice cool. i mean what the fuck just came out of your very uncool "cool" jumbo lips? exactly. i -like all of us - know a few who really do seem to believe that money buys cool and happiness and love and anything you could ever want and they are the saddest, most lonely, unfulfilled people i know and i don't think it's coincidence. not to say there are not MANY ultra cool millionaire lovelies out there because there are.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

money is often the result but never the cause of coolness.

exhibit a.

robin leach.

 

Blogger Virgle Kent is a gaywad.

Is it safe to comment? I swear to God if I comment on this thing and you lock it up again I'll know it was truly my fault you went away.

I'm glad you're back though, your response to the comments was one of my favorite parts.

holla, I've been waiting

 

Blogger ~*~ is a gaywad.

Yay for commenting!!!

Hey Merkles . . . you fucking hawtie you. . . Yeah, yuppies blow. Anything that rymes with guppies really. . .

randumleefocusst.blogspot.com

 

Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

I used to be a Hippie, then I was a yippie, then a Yuppie, now I'm just fuckin' droopy! And money can't buy my non-drooping ass back either. Good post ol' friend!

 

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