only preach because I fake care about you and I really want you to be happy so wipe that smile off your face and listen up. I'm dead serious. I'm even scowling.
If you are standing in line, I have irrefutable proof that you have fucked up in life. Here are some of your fuck-ups I can immediately spot.
1. You can't think for yourself.
"But everybody else is doing it so it must be cool". You say.
Ha ha! nice. Back in line -- moron.
Enough about you, you're boring, after all you're the one standing in line. Let's talk about me. I'm way more interesting and I NEVER stand in lines. Not a coincidence.
Here are a few anecdotes about how I deal with lines and why -- in conversation form.
"merkley???, meet me at Club Douchebag in the Marina."
"No. Club Douchebag has a velvet rope and a line."
"You'll be on the list, you won't have to wait."
"But I'll have to get clearance from a meathead, I don't like meatheads and I don't need/want their clearance."
"I'll tell them Jesus is coming in a plaid suit and they will just let you through, besides everybody recognizes you, what are you worried about?"
"Worried about? I'm worried about meeting the people inside. The people inside are the people who stand in lines. I don't want to meet any line standers because they will just want me to go stand in a line with them somewhere else later on.."
"What about your favorite late night taqueria? That always has a line and you ALWAYS go there."
"Funny you should mention that. Last night I got there at 2am and there was a line around the corner, I walked straight in past the line and sat at the first empty table. When my taqueria dude walked by I handed him ten bucks and he went and got my regular order of super carne asada nachos with extra beans and cilantro and we didn't even need to exchange any conversation, just ten bucks. I'm a high roller at the taco stand."
"Well not everybody could do that. You stand out like a sore thumb and you are a regular there."
"And I'm a charming breathe of fresh air and a good tipper too, -- but I have a story about "blending in"
I'll give you later, it's closely related to this conversation but I'll save it as to not confuse you.
"What about at the grocery store?"
"Safeway.com . Delivery dude."
"What about at the movies?"
"No line on monday."
"What about the line for the bathroom?"
"Dude, I'm a dude, there is never a line for dudes. But since we are on the subject, have you considered going twelve feet next door to the bar that you KNOW is completely empty and peeing there?"
"But there are no ins and outs"
"Classy joint. Thanks for making my point."
"Anyway, this is pretty basic stuff. A few years ago I made a critical error in judgement and decided to make an attempt to join the masses and my sister and I took her kids to Disneyland. As were were standing in some gay line in the hot sun, my little nephew, who was only 4 at the time, lets out a big sigh which nearly made his entire little body go limp like a piece of melting rubber and then he said: "uuuuuunnnnnghhhh, they should call it DisneyLINES". -------- I repeat, he was FOUR. The next day we went to the beach and there were no lines and no whining from anyone but me, cuz I don't like the sun."
"Well you're just weird, most people like doing what everybody else is doing."
"Yeah, keep them away from me."
Wasn't that a lovely conversation? I hope you learned something even though I hate you.
Now this girl:
That's all for now,
Don't get caught saying it was your nephew who made the "DisneyLINES" comment when it was really you, even if he did laugh really hard because he totally "GOT IT".
Your toothbrush from when you were 12,