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October 22, 2006

We're All Just Asian's on The Highway of Life

You aren't what you eat, you're how you drive.

If you throw a purple tantrum because the guy in front of you is going too fucking god damn slow, and if you crap your one of a kind vintage pants and your ears bleed because the lady behind you is coming up too fucking close for chrissakes, and if you curse the negroes as you get your royal robe snagged on the door as you leave your car, hazards on, in the middle of the road or at a bus stop so you can just hurry up and run in to fetch your Starbucks Double-Pee-Stink-HUGE-Times-Fifty (GO AROUND ASSHOLE!!), and if you scream and yell at the top of your I'm-not-a-smoker-blackened lungs because somebody didn't read your mind about the left turn you just now decided to make, and if you don't mind having three or four Makers on the rocks and peeling off down the road with the fifth or sixth one tucked next to your dick, and if you roll your eyes and let out big moaney sighs when when somebody points out a parking spot for you because it offends his highness' delusion about a perfect record for the ability to hone in on "rock star parking ....

You get the point.

For some it just doesn't even seem to occur that the guy in front of them might just enjoy going the speed limit, or maybe he is distracted because he just fell in love or he just found out his mother has boob cancer. For some, it just doesn't occur that the woman tailgating behind might be in a real hurry because she has a major case of the squirts, or she might even just be asian.

You're the center of the fucking universe aren't you.

You wish.

Do you get the point? I don't think you do. It doesn't matter anyway because I'm kinda thinking that people just are the way they are and no amount of reason or helpful prodding will ever change them -- you know, like maybe we are all asians, driving like idiots, on the highway of life.

Anyway, it's just that I have never met a person that surprised me with the way they drive, nor have I found a better way to sum up the entirety of a fellow human.

So remember, while you are waving that finger out the window acting all tough and giving the world a real one two, the rest of us are enjoying a nice drive thinking you are a dick.

BTW, I have a lemon yellow 1982 Cadillac Eldorado with buttery yellow leather seats with only 20,000 miles on it that hasn't moved an inch for over a year. It's parked in my garage gaining value -- but when I did drive it, it was slow and low with my arm out the window doing airplane loopdeeloops through Golden Gate park in the late afternoon.

I know. -- I'm rad.

Now for nelly:
That's all for now.
Don't get caught driving really slow right on up two inches behind a cracked out homeless dude wandering though the streets and blasting your horn sending him jumping 40 feet into the air with a just pooped-my-pants look on his face and continuing to giggle about that face for years and years to come,
Your Drivers Ed Teacher,
That Dude Who Makes The "You Might Be a Redneck..."Jokes.)

Blogger Monkey is a gaywad.

Nelly is lovely.

And I have the squirts.


Blogger Drayke is a gaywad.

I just found your site via your Flickr account. After loving your images so much (and not just the nekkid ladies, although that was a big draw) I had to know more. Finding this here, reading the first couple of entries, looking at your sexy sexy images, I've decided that you are now my hero. Congratulations. You can put that on your resume, by the way. Under awards/commendations/etc, people see "Personal Hero of Drayke from Photosynthetique" and they can't help but hire you on the spot. All you have to do now is keep the good stuff coming.


Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

i got kicked out of driver's ed class twice for making jokes about the teacher and throwing styrofoam cups around and had to make up the time i missed when i was forced to sit outside the classroom by coming in early the next class periods to make sure i got my time logged. but it didn't matter anyway because my mom got our auto insurance cancelled b/c of so many accidents and we had state judge plates on the cars and my parents didn't think i had enough experience to be let out on the road. so i mostly drove in circles in parking lots several weekends in a row until i was almost 17.


Blogger mitch is a gaywad.

Hey Merkley, what a hassle just to let you know i checked out your symmetry set(after finding you via the Known Universe) and that it's (not sure if I can swear with the moderation) extremely impressive. Even more so as a crazy single artwork using the thumbnails as a poster. Get your ass to Australia and do a beach set.


Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

you are just so right it kills me right now.


Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

Did it post? The fucking things possessed call a priest! If not...

Well, you sure put that into perspective. Everybody's too busy up everybody elses ass and wonder why their world stinks to high heaven? You just explained it. Bravo!


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October 08, 2006

How to Win:

Invent the game.

That's all I really had to say, no sense in reading any further.


For example:

Tonight I stopped off to get some pizza. I get pizza all the time. When I get pizza on the way home, I take the slightly longer route, rather that the uphill route because walking uphill eating a hot slice of pizza doesn't even make sense to a total retard. Ok, retards do lots of dumb bullcrap -- I once saw a retarded boy poop in a rotating dryer at the laundr-o-mat. Okay that's a lie but you get the point.

Anyway, over the years I have really honed in and timed my pace to match the speed of my pizza consumption (junction what's your function)... Every once in a while, Dilemna crams it's wrinkled balls in my bum crack and my eyes get wide and I have to THINK. Tonight that happend. It was some saggy drawered gay hip hopper who was walking too fucking slow. The idea of tailgating a hip hop homo-zizzle probably appeals to 99% percent of the people who read this gay fucking blog but it doesn't appeal to me.

I was just about to round the corner that represents the midway point between the pizza station and home when it dawned on me that this gaybob was fucking with my step too much and in all likely hood would really screw up the whole deal if I didn't either take him out with hot pepperonis slabbed on his eyeballs or something else that would... --- shut up -- you know what I'm saying.

So there I was, walking, eating pizza and trying to win. Was I gonna do a little quick step and pass him at the peeing dog garbage can situation? Or was I gonna wait for the intersection and fuck the shit out of his turtle pace all rabbit style in the crosswalk? (Ok, That didn't sound right.)

ANYWAAAAY, here is why you like me. I'm not kidding.

Instead of all that bulloney, I Just made a completely genius decision that comes totally naturally to me: I stopped dead in my tracks, leaned up against the wall of one of the most beautiful victorians in San Francisco and I enjoyed four bites of pizza which was the perfect amount of time to let that homey homo fairy twinkle his way out in front of me enough to allow me to enjoy the rest of my pizza walk in gad dermng peace.

You see, the contest in life -- the REAL one --- is to get what you WANT.

I didn't want to be sweaty.

I did't want to do that walk that race walkers do that make them look like rubber legged gay retarded robots.

What I wanted to do was enjoy my pizza completely as I enjoyed a leisurely stroll through one of the most beautiful neighborhoods on earth.

So that's what I did.

I won.

The End

Now this Eva:
That's all for now.
Don't get caught --- no YOU don't get caught.
Your Secretary of Defensiveness,
No **I** Killed JonBenet


Blogger sonia is a gaywad.

Don't matter if it's San Francisco, New York, London, or Amsterdam, those kind of weirdos are EVERYWHERE. It's like they've never been to a real city, with other humans using the streets, and just wander aimlessly down the damn sidewalk like fucking idiots.

Although I'd like to kick them out of the way, it's almost always easier to stop for a second and let 'em get well ahead of you.


Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

With the baggy pants fad you could have quickly rendered him "depantsed". By the time he figured out how to pull up his pants to an acceptible level for normal homo-sapien-esque movement, you would have not only been satiated with pizza and home by then, but could have taken at least three shots of eva...


Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

as the francine of "fuck francine", i feel i should always be the first to comment. i'd love to stop and enjoy pizza in a victorian area in town but alas, i dropped an entire pizza outside last night in scottsdale instead. but it was still a beautiful night outside and the only person i avoided was the dude in the lotus that i made fun of trying to parallel park and show off.


Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

Tailgating a hip hop homo-zizzle is NEVER an appealing prospect. Good on you.


Blogger .Ophelia. is a gaywad.




Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic is a gaywad.

Great photos of Eva. I rarely eat Pizza. However, Eva looks very delicious.


Blogger Butchieboy is a gaywad.

Nice work. I enjoy that you have incorporated a seminude woman into this post.


Blogger fullon NM is a gaywad.

London seems to be the Capital for morons like that * They drive me nuts. That's why i usually go out at night as they only seem to be out on daylight :)


Blogger ~Melissa~ is a gaywad.

I hate you Merkly, how ever u spell your name...

You never played Tag


Blogger Jamie is a gaywad.

sure beats fucking the shit out of his turtle style all rabbity style.


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