A Silent, "Gramma-is-Sleeping" Pee -- You Know, For Christmas
I don't know if I really believe that people actually can or do REALLY block things out, you know, like traumatic events, not the kind where your head gets cracked open or where you pass out or end up in the hospital or in a space ship being probed by an alien who is probably just your gym teacher, I mean, blocking out the REALLY traumatic stuff seems reasonable enough to me, but not like, you know, ordinary stuff like drinking bad milk or farting in a quiet bank, -- ah fuck it, I'll get to the point;
I can't remember ever seeing my mom's boobs.
I mean it's possible that I blocked it out but I don't think so because I can clearly remember the the first time I saw my Grandma's boobs. Yes indeed, I can remember that like it was happening right now in front of my eyes, in fact, if I close my eyes right now I guarantee the movie will play like widescreen 70mm style. You know what? I'm gonna do just that. I'll try to type exactly what I see.
Ok here it goes:
rhhsjhdjh soireyjcbjskkurj sjkh djkl jkduet.
Oh yeah, I forgot, I don't know how to type with my eyes closed.
But yeah, I was probably about 5 years old so it's likely that this event happened like 34 years ago today. I know this because we only ever saw Gramma and Grampa at Christmas time and the occasional sumer vacation. They would either fly to our house in Utah from their house in Calgary or we would go there. Anyway, I know it didn't happen on one of the summer vacations, no, this is definitely the season cuz visions of Grammas enormous sugar plums are dancing in my head.
Ok ok ok -- stop yelling, I'll describe what I saw but you have to promise not to rub your parts during the description because IT'S MY GRAMMA FOR CRYING OUT LOUD AND SHE IS DEAD SO SHOW SOME RESPECT YOU SICK FUCK!
By reading past this line you agree to not rub your parts for the rest of this post. THAT'S LEGALLY BINDING YOU KNOW. I'm smart.
Anyway, I woke up early and was on my way to the bathroom to pee when I passed my Gramma and Grampas bedroom. I quietly nudged the cracked door open to see if they were still sleeping so I would know how loud I could allow my pee stream to go in the toilet bowl, if they were awake I could proceed with my preferred loud, forceful, dead center pee with lots of foam and power, but If they were sleeping, I was a good kid, I would be completely agreeable to the Side Bowl Porcelain Slide Silencer method.
But as the door opened, a big gloppy mound of fleshy confusion confronted my eyeballs.
What the hell was happening? So much flesh, I thought for a second that maybe Gramma was floating in the air because I could clearly see four appendages that weren't touching the ground.
Was that even Gramma? Did Gramma have four arms all of the sudden?
Was it Grampa?
If it was Gramma and she did have four arms, I could see clear as day that two of them were dead and boneless because they were just hanging there swinging lifelessly. Whatever it was, it reached into the bottom drawer with the two very similar but functional appendages that, although flappy and wiggly in their own right, appeared to have bones. The fleshy creature stayed bent over and pulled from the drawer some contraption that had lots of straps and two spongey bowls attached to each other (later I was told that this was called a bra). The two arms with bones positioned the spongey bowls directly underneath the dead boneless arms and with one fluid motion the bowls were lifted and the two boneless arms filled them right on up like soft serve Ice cream only more wiggly like jello.
It was only then, as the flesh thing stood up to clasp the strappy deal in the back, that I began to realize that it indeed was Gramma because I could finally make out anatomy with her legs and head and and butt and everything else.
Anyway, I quietly closed the door before she noticed me and I went into the bathroom and did a silent -- Gramma is sleeping -- pee.
I mean, I tried to block THAT out and it didn't work. See why I have my doubts about block-outing??
I honestly don't think I ever saw my mom's boobs.
That's all for now,
Don't get caught putting the dog's ear in your mouth.
Your Former Helper of The Homeless,
Kung Pao Chicken