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December 23, 2006

A Silent, "Gramma-is-Sleeping" Pee -- You Know, For Christmas

I don't know if I really believe that people actually can or do REALLY block things out, you know, like traumatic events, not the kind where your head gets cracked open or where you pass out or end up in the hospital or in a space ship being probed by an alien who is probably just your gym teacher, I mean, blocking out the REALLY traumatic stuff seems reasonable enough to me, but not like, you know, ordinary stuff like drinking bad milk or farting in a quiet bank, -- ah fuck it, I'll get to the point;

I can't remember ever seeing my mom's boobs.

I mean it's possible that I blocked it out but I don't think so because I can clearly remember the the first time I saw my Grandma's boobs. Yes indeed, I can remember that like it was happening right now in front of my eyes, in fact, if I close my eyes right now I guarantee the movie will play like widescreen 70mm style. You know what? I'm gonna do just that. I'll try to type exactly what I see.

Ok here it goes:

rhhsjhdjh soireyjcbjskkurj sjkh djkl jkduet.

Oh yeah, I forgot, I don't know how to type with my eyes closed.

But yeah, I was probably about 5 years old so it's likely that this event happened like 34 years ago today. I know this because we only ever saw Gramma and Grampa at Christmas time and the occasional sumer vacation. They would either fly to our house in Utah from their house in Calgary or we would go there. Anyway, I know it didn't happen on one of the summer vacations, no, this is definitely the season cuz visions of Grammas enormous sugar plums are dancing in my head.

Ok ok ok -- stop yelling, I'll describe what I saw but you have to promise not to rub your parts during the description because IT'S MY GRAMMA FOR CRYING OUT LOUD AND SHE IS DEAD SO SHOW SOME RESPECT YOU SICK FUCK!

***LEGAL NOTICE***
By reading past this line you agree to not rub your parts for the rest of this post. THAT'S LEGALLY BINDING YOU KNOW. I'm smart.

Anyway, I woke up early and was on my way to the bathroom to pee when I passed my Gramma and Grampas bedroom. I quietly nudged the cracked door open to see if they were still sleeping so I would know how loud I could allow my pee stream to go in the toilet bowl, if they were awake I could proceed with my preferred loud, forceful, dead center pee with lots of foam and power, but If they were sleeping, I was a good kid, I would be completely agreeable to the Side Bowl Porcelain Slide Silencer method.

But as the door opened, a big gloppy mound of fleshy confusion confronted my eyeballs.

What the hell was happening? So much flesh, I thought for a second that maybe Gramma was floating in the air because I could clearly see four appendages that weren't touching the ground.

Was that even Gramma? Did Gramma have four arms all of the sudden?

Was it Grampa?

If it was Gramma and she did have four arms, I could see clear as day that two of them were dead and boneless because they were just hanging there swinging lifelessly. Whatever it was, it reached into the bottom drawer with the two very similar but functional appendages that, although flappy and wiggly in their own right, appeared to have bones. The fleshy creature stayed bent over and pulled from the drawer some contraption that had lots of straps and two spongey bowls attached to each other (later I was told that this was called a bra). The two arms with bones positioned the spongey bowls directly underneath the dead boneless arms and with one fluid motion the bowls were lifted and the two boneless arms filled them right on up like soft serve Ice cream only more wiggly like jello.

It was only then, as the flesh thing stood up to clasp the strappy deal in the back, that I began to realize that it indeed was Gramma because I could finally make out anatomy with her legs and head and and butt and everything else.

Anyway, I quietly closed the door before she noticed me and I went into the bathroom and did a silent -- Gramma is sleeping -- pee.

I mean, I tried to block THAT out and it didn't work. See why I have my doubts about block-outing??

I honestly don't think I ever saw my mom's boobs.

The end.

Now Megan;

That's all for now,
Don't get caught putting the dog's ear in your mouth.
Your Former Helper of The Homeless,
Kung Pao Chicken

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

there was this one time, my cousin marie and i (we were about 14 i think) were over at my granparents' house and no one else was around, except us and our 92-year-old italian great-grandmother.

who had a broken hip and didn't speak any english. we didn't speak any italian really, so she was mostly like furniture. you know, around.

At one point i guess she had to pee and since we couldn't actually communicate with one another, it took her like a whole 15 minutes to make us understand that she had to use the washroom. did i mention she had 3 teeth? anyway, we finally figuring it out when she starting repeating "pisssss...pisssssssss...." over and over again. aaaaaaahhhhh....ok.

since she only 4'8" and wieghed 68 pounds it was pretty easy getting her there. the hard part was the fact that she had at one time weighed over 200 pounds.

Oh. my. god.

so. much. skin.

thanks to your story, i once again relived that horrible, horrible moment.

well played, mr. merkley???

well played, indeed.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

btw - the reclined shots are amazing.

 

Blogger Haily is a gaywad.

They say our fetishes stem from early childhood incidents. Thank god for us, you aren’t into saggy old granny mammary bags or you might be making “Jammin Granny in the Fanny” videos.

 

Blogger ~Jen~ is a gaywad.

I think you maybe just werent as MORTIFIED by the site and it didnt dwell in your mind/scar you for life. muhahahahahahahaa

 

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December 21, 2006

Mrs. LegBoobs Rubbed Her Nipple on My Eyelid When I Was Only 5

You know I'm sick and tired of everybody flapping their pie holes on and on yammering about the sexual misgivings and improprieties of their childhoods;

"Uncle Ballface thonked his boner on my shoulder when I was only 6"

"7-11 Gary made me put mustard on his Big Dog when I was only 9"

"Mrs. Legboobs rubbed her nipple on my eyelid when I was only 5."

Yeah yeah yeah, blah blah blah blah blah, STOP BRAGGING!!

It's sooo insensitive, you know many of us had to endure our entire childhoods with no boner thonking or eyelid nipple rubbing or NUTHIN! It ain't fair. When I scan my childhood trying to come up with an awesome "inappropriate" sex story, the best that I can come up with is some mediocre story about a well intentioned babysitter who proposed some interesting ideas at bath time.

So yeah, I don't know what is considered the appropriate cut off age for a brother and sister to stop taking baths together, but this babysitter story took place when when I was 14 and my sister was 16.... ---- -- YOU WISH. I was actually 4 and she was 6, but the story would have been way better the other way.

EHNEEEWAYS, right, Sheriff Stepdad number one had just been caught with a pipe in his brief case or something TERRIBLE and Mormon Mom had just sent him packing and was working hard selling cosmetics to support her four children, (2 from Sheriff Stepdad and 2 from Original Dad) as far as I can recall, this was the most babysittery time of all my childhood. Like seriously, babysitters all over the place, short ones, tall ones, black ones, freckled ones, big dudes with scratchy mustaches, old ladies with long wobbly boobs etc.. -- ok that's a lie, we hardly ever had babysitters, in fact this is the only one I remember, but I remember her perfectly.

She was an older woman of at least 12 years of age, She had long red hair and black rimmed glasses, wore a western shirt with golden threads woven throughout and the way it was buttoned exposed the soft upper boob part of her fully developed boobies... -- OK that's all a lie too, I really don't remember what she looked like or really anything about her but I do remember that as my sister and I got out of the tub and were drip drying with our towels draped over our heads, Big Idea Babysitter suggested that I put my "weenie" in my sisters "front bum".

"Huh? like in her peehole? Eeewwww."

"Yeah it's fun" she said.

All I could think about was how incredibly small my own peehole was and since I figgered my sister just had basically the same equipment only recoiled up in her front bum and way smaller, the idea seemed completely impossible -- I mean how could a weener fit into a peehole? I mean think about it -- visualise it -- NO WAY CAN A WEENER FIT INTO A PEEHOLE!

Well, too bad for all of you, we didn't try it -- and that was the end of that.

Except for now I am going to google stretched out peeholes and I bet I'll find a website where dudes stretch out their peeholes enough so that other dudes can put their weeners in it.

Dude's like that probably have TONS of cool stories about "inappropriate" sex in their childhoods.

LUCKY.

Now Marina;

That's all for now,
Don't get caught lingering -- because I hate that word.
Your Box of Chocolates,
Butthole

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i remember when my brother was 3 and i was 6, and he pulled down our baby sitter's tube top in front of, like, 5 other people. he is now 29 and his current girlfriend has some of the largest natural breasts i've ever seen. and i've got d-cups!

 

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December 19, 2006

On Top of The World Doing Fake Pro-Creation

My first memory is a dream that I had in my crib as an infant. It went like this; I had this blue fuzzy blanket that I scrunched up and molded into a perfectly round ball, an exact sphere, on top of which I was flopped like a lumpy noodle, rolling around, balancing on it's flawless roundness, enjoying the view over the bars of my cage and feeling the pleasurable pressure of the blanket ball smunching against my baby weewang.

Anyway, every day since that dream up until I sprouted teen balls and became able to flog my ham like a grown-up, laying on my stomach, warbling my parts around on my balled up fist or any consenting stuffed animal or toy was my chosen method of self high-fivery.

To this day whenever I hear The Carpenters singing "Top of The World" The dream of me rolling my baby balls around on a gigantic soft globe is the video that plays in my head.

Lil' ol' merkley??? flopped atop a self-made blue ball manipulating joy out of his own schlong.

Oh crap,

Was my first memory my own epitaph?

Oh yeah, also, I think about Karen Carpenter cramming her finger down her throat yaking up celery stick juice and cotton balls - but that's everybody right?

Dream wrecking slut.

Now Alexia;
That's all for now,
Don't get caught reposting one day later on your original blog the same stuff you are posting on your brand new nerve.com blog.
Your Smack Down Advisor,
The Fonz

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December 09, 2006

Wasn't it Jesus Who Said;

"Date ye therefore the fair bottomed, foul faced woman, for tis farewell which finds the finer view."

Wait,

no,

that was ME who said that

JUST NOW!!

I should write a bible.

I left that as a comment on my friend Raymi's blog which is nominated for best diarist blog. I think you should take one second to go vote for her because she is up against dooce who is the wife of my former roommate and bandmate and I would rather my funny newish friend beat my old not as funnyish roomates wife. Stir the shit man.

Now for Caitlin;
(Whose appearance here is TOTALLY UNRELATED to my awesome quote above.)


That's all for now.
Don't get caught stirring a pot of turd.
Your Middle Name,
GAY

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

I read both blogs in question and enjoy them both for different reasons, BUTT I think Raymi's the definitely the better diary. GO RAYMI!

 

Blogger Aimee is a gaywad.

i have slept on a couch exactly like that many times before at my friend's house. her pose is not lying about its comfort level!

i love this set of shots.

 

Blogger superjeezus is a gaywad.

If I do vote, I will probably vote for your former bandmate's wife's blog. Only because he is my former bandmate too.

(Guess who?)

I do agree that your quote is brilliant. As an assman, I fully concur.

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

good lord, here i pestered you about writing and now i'm so far behind in reading and commenting and whatnot. i'm a huge big old behind. fuck francine, indeed. i've never read dooce. but raymi is totally hot. and honest. and funny as shit. and you can't beat that. especially if it has a big old behind.

 

Blogger Kathryn is a gaywad.

dooce is pretty funny.
but raymi is funnier and shows her boobies.

 

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December 04, 2006

No One Is To Blame My Ass

Last night I dreamed I was producing an awards show and the main act was Howard Jones singing "No One is to Blame". I made up some funny lyrics to sing during the main melody which has no lyrics and he didnt want to do it but I told him that the really good cry comes bookmarked with laughter so he took my advice,

and the audience had the best laugh cry ever.

He came off stage and hugged me with tears in his eyes and told me thank you and that it was the best moment of his career

and I said the laugh cry is the pinnacle of good art.

Hope from Despair.

and then he nodded his head and his hair poked me in the face.

Now for Stephanie;


That's all for now.
Don't get caught having tender dream moments with 50 year old new wavers.
Your Favorite Soup,
Breast Milk With Hot Dog Slices

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger murl.the.squirrel is a gaywad.

do you remember the lyrics?? you should really try to remember and post that shiznit.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

Here I was thinking of "Things Can Only Get Better".

Howard Jones where are you now that we need you???

 

Blogger ~Melissa~ is a gaywad.

I feel bad for those dogs

 

Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

the dog should have had on hotpants in the shower too.

 

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