Also, The Evel Kenevel Doll He Had Was Broken, The Motorcycle Veered Hard Left Making It USELESS!
When I was in third grade we moved to a really rich neighborhood up on the high avenues of Salt Lake City. I don't ever remember ever being rich so I really have no idea what kind of hook-up my then single mom was rocking. I mean, I still was still brown bagging tuna sandwiches to school when they were serving lobster in the cafeteria. Anyway main thing for me was that I'd have to hold best friend auditions for the millionth time. No Big deal, auditions were a cinch, anyone who didn't call me freckle face or threaten me with a booger on their finger passed phase one. Phase two was going to their house after school to see what kind of cereal they had. Barring any abuses such as kicks to the groin or hair pulling and whallA -- phase three; new best friend.
I forget the name of the candidate about whom I write this story so I'm just gonna call him Osama Bin Laden, He wasn't arab or anything, in fact he was a super blonde Hitler youth type but he was super rich and had an unusual sense of humor.
Plus his head was very horseish.
Anyway, we end up at his house after school. Turns out his cereal selection was mind blowing. Every cereal known to man and more. He had cereal only clowns and gay CIA agents could get. We ate the fuck out of that shit for an hour and Osama even gave me the prizes in the bottom of the boxes. Things were going well.
After getting considerably buzzed on Cracky-Os, Osama led me to his bedroom where he had a closet filled with every GI Joe that ever fought in Nam. It was like P.O.W. central. I think Osama thought he was Vietnamese because lots of torture was clearly evident. So we're sitting there karate chopping everything and i'm scraping the fuzz off of GI Joe's head with my fingernail as usual when Osama pulls out a big box of matches.
COULD THIS AUDITION GET ANY BETTER?
We melt some stuff, do some fake smoking, all the usual junk, when Osama turns to me with a flaming match and says;
"Ever see a match burn twice?"
And before I could open my mouth to tell him I YES I KNOW THIS JOKE, he blows out the match and presses the red hot burning ember against my arm completely burning off one of my favorite freckles.
"OW you MOTHEREFFER!, EVER SEE A MATCH BURN DOWN A FUCKING RICH ASSHOLES HOUSE?
Then I shoved him into the GI Joe prison, locked it, then lit a match and held it to his expensive GI Joe curtains which quickly burst into a huge ball of flames and burned down the entire three story house with him in it.
I could hear his screams as he burned, they made me laugh.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught lying about his cereal selection when it was really actually kinda iffy and he only had like 3 GI Joes even thought the point is that BURNING PEOPLE WITH MATCHES IS NOT GOING TO GET YOU PAST PHASE TWO OF BEST FRIEND AUDITIONS and I don't care how rich and Hitler Youthy you are, you will not get a callback.
Your Fifth Grammy,
The One Who Killed Your Grammpy
