Plus, If You Stare At The Photo Long Enough Your Eyes Will Get Fuzzy and Tired
So I bought a printer online and it arrived on the back of ten semi trucks with fifty wheels on ten extra axles each because it is as big at ten mobile homes and makes prints as big as your mom's butt.
Anyway, it prints amazingly so I'm opening a one hour foto shop in my backyard. I just shipped off prints to my very first customers today and since I'm far too lazy and resourceful to type a new blog, I'll post the letter I included with their purchases.
Dear Person,
Congratulations on your purchase of fine and valuable photographic prints from the fine people at merkley???. Actually it's just one people... him -- well, ok, me. Thanks for purchasing photos from ME is what I was trying to say.
For proper care and handling and to ensure life long enjoyment of these fine and valuable prints, follow these 37 special instructions;
1. Unless specifically ordered by a superior to do so, never lick or touch the photographs with anything pinkish and moist.
2. Uuummm - uuhh.... can't think of one for 2.
9. NEVER place photographs face down on the ground, smunching and grinding them into the asphalt with your foot like you wish you could do the face of that motherfucker who broke your heart into a million pieces, never once considering that you are very sensitive, loving soul with fucking feelings.
6. Do not swear at the photographs. This includes passive aggressive gestures and eye rolls. Just kidding. Photos don't have feelings. DUH.
11. If your hands are smeared with butter, vaseline or axle grease, please grab the photo by the very very tiny little corner like you would with a diaper or your grandmother's hanky. In fact, this how you should ALWAYS handle fine and valuable art. Nose pinching optional.
Oh! 2. Do not expose the photographs to harmful death rays.
24. When pondering the photographs, try to imagine how much better they would be if they were made out of candy or beef, but please remember suggestion numero one-o.
6. When showing the photographs to friends, make sure to keep saying the word INVESTMENT but then go on and on about how you really buy art impulsively because it speaks to you and you just HAVE to have it. It's an emotional thing really. Say that too. "It's an emotional thing". Maybe even whisper it. Try to crack your voice like you might cry.
37. Do not attempt to use any of the following materials as picture frames.
a. Saliva
b. Fire
m. Death
p. Cottage cheese
x. Wind
f. Regret
By following these 37 suggestions you and your new photographs will enjoy many many years of forbidden love. While there is also a very high likelihood that you will get older and older and more decrepit and even one day you'll probably get a disease and die, you should be happy to know that these photographs will basically look the same long after you are dead and gone. So that's good right? .... It's never too early to write your will.
Once again, with sincere thanks and insinuated indifference because this exact same letter is on my "blog" for ANYONE to read;
Happy Fine and Valuable Print Owning!
Your 2nd wife,
merkley???
Now Zoe:
Zoe - Pretending Like She Got Really Confused With All The Remotes and VCRs and DVDs and Ended Up Kinda Religious Looking In Front of The Big Screen Television
Zoe - SkyCam
Zoe - Sofa
Zoe - Deitada
Zoe - Books
That's all for now.
Don't get caught spending 20 minutes deleting suggestions so that they will all fit on one page.
Your Gigantic Printer,
Huge I'm Telling You
