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June 19, 2007

I'm Not a Photographer

Photographers carry around big cameras, big lights, big flash contraptions and little meters, they talk about film stock, ISO's, F stops and capturing the perfect light right before dusk.

Photographers creep through neighborhoods of poor people looking for interesting poverty related things to "capture" in black and white or muted color.

Photographers spend lots of time in cramped dark rooms with red lights and chemicals that smell like egg farts.

Photographers get in heated exchanges about the direction Leica is headed or that one camera maker that sounds all german, hasselhoff?

Photographers have lots of lenses that they will tell you about whether you ask them or not, like the one that can see an ass hair on a mosquito or the remarkably "bright" one that can photograph the pope's underwear tag from a tower in hell.

Photographers say "glass" a lot, "Thats a nice piece of glass you got there Danny." which would be funny if it was a joke. No it wouldn't.

Photographers show you shoes hanging on wires, pink boxes in the green weeds, little black girls with blue eyes and nuns sitting under billboards of naked men.

Photographers have all kinds of cameras, most of them are rare and vintage but they love to remind you that their absolute favorite cameras are crappy plastic cameras they found at the thrift store for 25 cents.

Photographers LOVE Polaroid because you can take a picture of absolutely ANYTHING with a Polaroid and it will look like you got your BFA.

Photographers know the names of every other photographer who ever lived and they can tell you exactly who took the first picture of an old barn door or a naked girl on a sofa.

Photographers talk about how little they use photoshop IF AT ALL, and even then it's only to "adjust some curves" or "make the blacks a little more black."

Photographers make use of make up artists, hairdressers, location scouts and stylists which is way way WAY different than photoshopping out zits and wrinkles.

Photographers freeze moments to show the REALITY. They love that word, "reality" also they like to say "RAW" a lot.

Photographers have websites with big black or red sans serif fonts on white backgrounds.

Photographers put their client list at the bottom of the side bar where it looks like they don't really care about it but just in case you didn't like their photographs you can see who did.

Photographers list their accomplishments in a timeline so just in case you didn't like their photographs you can see who did. Wait, did I just say that?

Photographers have strong opinions about Terry Richardson.

Photographers get upset about cropping.

Photographers like the anticipation, surprise, expense, delay, grain, smell, challenge, discipline, texture, and overall unpredictable "magic" of analog, soo opposite of effing digital.

Photographers use the word amateur to describe most other photographers.

Photographers miss the good old days when photography was expensive and out of reach to amateurs.

Photographers blame the lab a lot.

Photographers go to school to study photography because you can't tell if a photo is good just by looking at it.

Photographers whisper cutting edge poetic gems like "digital has no soul."

Photographers only really like 2 or 3 other photographers, the one's whose photographs most resemble their own and they like to keep those books right out on the coffee table where everyone can see them.

Photographers think all commentary about photography and photographers is likely directed at them.

So yeah, I don't give a stumbling poop about any of that stuff.

I'm not a photographer.

Now Parker:
That's all for now.
Don't get caught YouMightBeARedneck-ing everything in sight.
Your Local Heretic,
Snacking On Your Guts McGillicutty

Blogger Ryan Tomorrow is a gaywad.

perfect. wunderbar. do you believe all of it?

when people say to me: are you a photographer? I smile. I say, nah, I just take pictures of my friends.

I'm a regular shutterbug, I am.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

what do you mean do i believe it? i wrote it precisely because i don't care about any of it, nor do i find any of it necessary to accomplish my ends.

but yeah, i prefer to say i make pictures.


Anonymous Markus Puustinen is a gaywad.

Good writing!

I think you should add to your list: ”Really cool photographers don’t like to be considered as a photographer, instead they make lists of things that differentiates themselves from other photographers”. ;)


Anonymous shotbart is a gaywad.

When I grow up, I want to be a picture maker like you, Merk ;)


Anonymous ShaolinTiger is a gaywad.

I want to be a not-photographer too when I grow up.

You missed something about blurry black and white photos that no-one else really understands and the constant mumbling about hyperfocal and grab-shots.


Blogger Lord Chimmy is a gaywad.

I like your I don't give-a-fuck attitude. I fucking invented it, and your a total dick for ripping me off, but whatever.

You're o.k.

P.S., You hit the nail on the head for every point on this post. Photographer? They suck the life out of me with their antics.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ha ha -- yeah i'm probably asleep or have already blown my brains out by the time the conversation gets that far.


Blogger DrM2B is a gaywad.

fuck yeah! Rock on.....


Anonymous Rich is a gaywad.

Mmmm, sandwiches!


Anonymous Glockenspiel is a gaywad.

Jug makers blather on about how form must follow function and twitter about smooth lines.

Jug makers bleat about the rawness and purity of earthenware and how too much gloss equals kitsch.

Jug makers believe that if you use glass it should be formed in the Scnadanavian style, with delicate sheets.

Jug makers hate Clarice Cliff and dismiss anyone who strives for artistry as a 'potter'.

Jug makers hate the word 'taste' but everything they make plays by this word's narrow rules.

Jug makers have their own kiln, made to order by someone else which 'just works like nothing else I've ever experienced' and is responsible for the ineffable alchemy of their work.

I don't make jugs.

I make pitchers.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i believe a similar list could be made for any profession on earth.


Anonymous Glockenspiel is a gaywad.

But not using as hilarious a pun, or with such a piercing (pissing?)insight into the nature of man.

Also, I am a bender.


Anonymous Szugye is a gaywad.

I agree with EVERYTHING that you have EVER written, said and sang. Why? Because it makes me look cool.

I like to agree with people. That's just the way I roll.

OH! The bit about photographers. I COMPLETELY agree.

Your 'Gay' ole' Pal, (in the good sense of the word),



Anonymous seliko is a gaywad.

Loved that post.

1. I didn't understand if that bit on Terry Richardson was pro or anti Terry. Personally I think he's da bomb.

2. How d'ya get to make all those hoochie mamas lose their bra and panties? Respect.


Blogger Sime™ is a gaywad.

bloody hell. made me laugh, made me nod my head a lot...


word verification: ixtkhq - is not a bloody word!


Blogger Rev.Vanessa is a gaywad.

This post has been removed by the author.


Anonymous Victor Estrada is a gaywad.

Photographers hate this.
I love it.


Anonymous michel v is a gaywad.

When I see this site's design, I as a webdeveloper miss the good old days when webdesign was scary and out of reach to amateurs. :)


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

and i knew EXACTLY what your website was going to look like as soon as i read that.


Blogger UBERPHOTO is a gaywad.

you guys are all a wonderful mass of non-conformity....wait...that would make you all some sort of conformist. Awwww poot....theres no such thing as a non-conformist. Give up.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

do you say the same thing to people who aren't plumbers or dentists?

everyone must be everything on planet uberphoto.

btw, it was VERY hard for me to type "uberphoto"

ew, i just did it again, someone spray me with lysol.


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

You're the 40 year old male equivalent of the cartoon character Daria. Thank you.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.



Anonymous MadMolecule is a gaywad.

Most of the pompous habits you've listed here drive me insane too, and I'd swallow a live toad before I'd say something as fatuous as "digital has no soul."

But even though I agree with you, you kind of come across as a self-righteous jerk.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

haha -- YA DON'T SAY! :)


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