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January 31, 2007

I'm Totally Gonna Text That Joke To Myself So I Will Remember It Tomorrow

Drunk Girl: Ho leee crap merkley???, is that the weatherman from channel 4?

merkley???: Looks a little like him. Probably his Dopplerganger.

Later that night:

Different Drunk Girl: This band totally just sounds like Lynyrd Skynyrd with a bunch of delays and reverb.

merkley???: (yelling) FREEVERB!!

Now Hannah;

That's all for now.
Don't get caught pretending your chili cheese fries are a pile of dead jews and you're some kind of giant innocent monster who honestly thinks they are just the yummiest snack in town -- nothing against jews personally, in fact it's a compliment.
Your Computer,
The Girl From Small Wonder

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

the yarn bush made me laugh. Nice!

 

Blogger Valency is a gaywad.

You have the best life ever.

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

small wonder was the worst show ever. well almost as bad as ark II.

and being a crotcheter, i LOVED these shots.

 

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Or You Could Do The Same Exact Thing With Garlic Or Curry or Horsemeat

Had major Twirling Hamburger Syndrome yesterday. You've had it, don't lie.

As you know, Twirling Hamburger Syndrome begins by staying out late, getting blitzed, then stumbling into all night GrubSteak diners run by Brazilian transvestites. Bacon bleu cheese burgers with double bleu cheese and a mayoniasse forehead IVs are ordered. Burgers are aten -- yes ATEN, cabs hailed. Wads of money and gum wrappers and club flyers are flooped from pockets -- lost forever. Pants are ripped on sharp corners of asshole cab doors. Keys are fumbled, grumbles are mumbled. Suit jackets are shed in haste, arms all inside outey and tossed on waggly tailed dogs. Shoes become bedwear. Dreams are had of Judy Densch and old roommates giving speeches about pee stained bunkbeds. Brain linings are punched out by flaming Mike Tysons. Skulls are squeezed, bladders stretched to the max. Suns are risen, heads over pillowed. Texts messages about birthday dinners are received. Showers are skipped, outfits reused. Rides are offered, deodorants forgotten. Lovely birthday dinners at restaurants called The Stinking Rose are attended.

That's when you notice that the two hamburgers from earlier are having an orgy in your armpits. Squeezing and clamping only turns them on and forces out more stink. There is only one thing you can do and that is go new wave dancing, arms overhead, twirling, yelling out Echo and The Bunnymen lyrics and spraying your hamburger sex stench on all the fancy haired kids.

See? KnowWhuddI'mSayin? Yeah. FUCKING BRING ON THE DANCING HORSES YOU BITCH! BRING THEM NOW!

Now Lulu;

That's all for now.
Don't get caught sitting by the fridge waiting for the weather to change.
Your Mom's New Crush,
Terry Bradshaw

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January 16, 2007

Dr. Merkley's Office, How May I Help You Little Fuckheads?

About ten years ago I was out in my yard performing emergency surgery with a circular saw to amputate some asshole branches that just thought they could get away with growing all stupid looking. As if. I went at it full bore, Doctor Death style, tearin' it up and creating all kinds of awesome precision lop jobs showing nature just who is in charge and who to watch out for.

I finish amputating the crud out of the total wuss of a tree, (who never even bothered to scratch me or poke me in the eye -- like DUH) I take my finger off the saw trigger and prepare to step back to gloat and maybe flip it off or pee on it or otherwise show my clearly amazing superiority by maybe hoisting the circular saw into the air and acting rad and cool and victorious over it's leafy inferiority when all the sudden, mid victory hoist, my PARTNER the SAW bites the end of my finger and ganks it completely inside out FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER!

So there I was with this numby, throbby, bloody cauliflower type deal for a finger. Totally uncalled for.

Dick saw.

Anyway, I went back into the house where my dad, who just happened to be visiting, was sitting minding his own grumbling business and without saying anything I just kinda held my exploded index finger under his nose for a second like I wanted him to smell.

He noticed pretty fast due to the bloody cauliflowerness of it all.

"Holy crap son -- you need to get to the hospital."

"No dad, I think I can put this back together, all the parts are there, I can see just how it should go back together."

"You aren't a doctor."

"No but I'm good at puzzles -- I'm gonna take a crack at it."

"Don't be an idiot. Go to the doctor NOW."

I heroically ignored him and cleaned it out really well with hydrogen peroxide and cold water and got to work putting each tiny chunk of meat back where it belonged. The inner part was the hardest because little globs of meat really all kinda look the same, but by the time the outside part came it got pretty easy cuz all I had to do was line up the fingerprints and boom -- done. SIMPLE.

Anyway, I was proud of my work, so proud in fact that I got on the phone and basically told the above story to every human and dog in Salt Lake City.

Well Let Me Tell You. People are idiots. Out of all the people I told, maybe 2 said "Wow, that's cool merkley, good job" or "Holy Moly, I would have never dared to do my own surgery but you're way smarter than the rest of us."

the rest of them said;

"Don't be an idiot. Go to the doctor NOW"

Then they all proceeded to bark out horror stories about infections and puss and all kinds of amputation scenarios -- I mean, really unsupportive fear mongers they all were -- no joke.

Well, all their scare tactics finally got the best of me and I went to the doctor, not because I doubted my own surgical skills, but because I knew that if I went to the doctor and told the same story, she would probably offer me a medical degree and a full time job on the spot due to my obvious natural gift for medicine --- surely the doctor would give me a certificate of outstanding achievement that I could go back and wave in all of their stupid faces.

"So what happened here?" asked the doctor.

"Well doctor -- INSERT ABOVE STORY HERE -- I did a great job right?"

"Well, looks alright but you're not a doctor Mr. Merkley. You can never be too safe -- INSERT LAME FEAR MONGER INFECTION AMPUTATION STORY HERE -- so to be safe, maybe we should give you some stitches.

Ignoring my instincts I give the lady a crack at it. She tears it all apart again and basically does the same shit as I did the first time, only lacking the magic touch that I have, it hurts like dick. Not only that but she just crams all the chunks back in willy nilly paying no attention where they are supposed to go.

"Uh doctor, that chunk is totally sideways, the fingerprint doesn't even line up."

"Doesn't matter -- the body does something called granulation, it will heal just fine."

"BULL FUCKING SHIT YOU IDIOT DOCTOR NOW PUT IT BACK THE RIGHT WAY OR I WILL PUNCH THAT ARROGANT SMIRK RIGHT INTO YOUR SPLEEN - HOW DARE YOU DESTROY MY HANDIWORK" Is what I screamed in my head.

Then actually said;

"Really? um, oh."

She was an idiot. All my friends were idiots. My dad was an idiot.

I stopped payment all over her ass.

She made no attempt to collect. She knew mine was better. HA!

Moral of the story is; Now I have a retarded fingerprint.

Oh yeah and; Let me do your next surgery. I have a gift. I swear.

The End

Now Luna;

That's all for now.
Don't get caught thinking about what if it was her NIPPLE that was all exploded? What then huh?
Your Hockey Puck,
Martin Luther King Senior The First One Way Back The One Who Hated Blacks

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Gish is a gaywad.

"...as if"

Fantastico.

 

Blogger Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

I have this huge smile on my face. What do they know, right? It takes true heart to do your own surgery. I prefer to sew others up but have the utmost respect for your fortitude! I hope you fucking trashed that nasty bush hacker. That sounded pretty dirty huh? Love it Merkley, just love it!

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

even after all this time, you are still the funniest!

She is really pretty, her eyes..

 

Blogger Jamie is a gaywad.

I recently performed minor surgury on my girlfriend Deborah's wrist after she cut it up in a dishwashing accident. I, too, was proud of myself -- not only for the stellar job of cleaning reassembling and bandaging her wound, but at being able to reassure her that everything would be fine.

When she went to work the next day, her stupid boss went hysterical. "You need go to the EMERGENCY ROOM RIGHT AWAY!!! What if something is seriously wrong?? What if it gets infected? What if what if what if?"

Completely freaked out, Deborah left work and went to the emergency room, where, like you, they disassembled my handiwork, poked around a bit, then bandaged it back together willy-nilly.

"Oh, and we really should do some x-rays, too, so that we can totally justify the$700 dollar emergency room bill we're going to send you."

When the bill came, I told my girlfreind to forward it to her boss.

The end.

P.S. I like that sci-fi looking checker pod. And the refrigerated records, too.

 

Blogger .Ophelia. is a gaywad.

favorite photos so far :o)

 

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

my favourite shot is the last one with the spilled milk.

that is all.

 

Blogger Himbly is a gaywad.

Your post made my bum hurt.

 

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