About ten years ago I was out in my yard performing emergency surgery with a circular saw to amputate some asshole branches that just thought they could get away with growing all stupid looking. As if. I went at it full bore, Doctor Death style, tearin' it up and creating all kinds of awesome precision lop jobs showing nature just who is in charge and who to watch out for.
I finish amputating the crud out of the total wuss of a tree, (who never even bothered to scratch me or poke me in the eye -- like DUH) I take my finger off the saw trigger and prepare to step back to gloat and maybe flip it off or pee on it or otherwise show my clearly amazing superiority by maybe hoisting the circular saw into the air and acting rad and cool and victorious over it's leafy inferiority when all the sudden, mid victory hoist, my PARTNER the SAW bites the end of my finger and ganks it completely inside out FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER!
So there I was with this numby, throbby, bloody cauliflower type deal for a finger. Totally uncalled for.
Anyway, I went back into the house where my dad, who just happened to be visiting, was sitting minding his own grumbling business and without saying anything I just kinda held my exploded index finger under his nose for a second like I wanted him to smell.
He noticed pretty fast due to the bloody cauliflowerness of it all.
"Holy crap son -- you need to get to the hospital."
"No dad, I think I can put this back together, all the parts are there, I can see just how it should go back together."
"You aren't a doctor."
"No but I'm good at puzzles -- I'm gonna take a crack at it."
"Don't be an idiot. Go to the doctor NOW."
I heroically ignored him and cleaned it out really well with hydrogen peroxide and cold water and got to work putting each tiny chunk of meat back where it belonged. The inner part was the hardest because little globs of meat really all kinda look the same, but by the time the outside part came it got pretty easy cuz all I had to do was line up the fingerprints and boom -- done. SIMPLE.
Anyway, I was proud of my work, so proud in fact that I got on the phone and basically told the above story to every human and dog in Salt Lake City.
Well Let Me Tell You. People are idiots. Out of all the people I told, maybe 2 said "Wow, that's cool merkley, good job" or "Holy Moly, I would have never dared to do my own surgery but you're way smarter than the rest of us."
the rest of them said;
"Don't be an idiot. Go to the doctor NOW"
Then they all proceeded to bark out horror stories about infections and puss and all kinds of amputation scenarios -- I mean, really unsupportive fear mongers they all were -- no joke.
Well, all their scare tactics finally got the best of me and I went to the doctor, not because I doubted my own surgical skills, but because I knew that if I went to the doctor and told the same story, she would probably offer me a medical degree and a full time job on the spot due to my obvious natural gift for medicine --- surely the doctor would give me a certificate of outstanding achievement that I could go back and wave in all of their stupid faces.
"So what happened here?" asked the doctor.
"Well doctor -- INSERT ABOVE STORY HERE -- I did a great job right?"
"Well, looks alright but you're not a doctor Mr. Merkley. You can never be too safe -- INSERT LAME FEAR MONGER INFECTION AMPUTATION STORY HERE -- so to be safe, maybe we should give you some stitches.
Ignoring my instincts I give the lady a crack at it. She tears it all apart again and basically does the same shit as I did the first time, only lacking the magic touch that I have, it hurts like dick. Not only that but she just crams all the chunks back in willy nilly paying no attention where they are supposed to go.
"Uh doctor, that chunk is totally sideways, the fingerprint doesn't even line up."
"Doesn't matter -- the body does something called granulation, it will heal just fine."
"BULL FUCKING SHIT YOU IDIOT DOCTOR NOW PUT IT BACK THE RIGHT WAY OR I WILL PUNCH THAT ARROGANT SMIRK RIGHT INTO YOUR SPLEEN - HOW DARE YOU DESTROY MY HANDIWORK" Is what I screamed in my head.
Then actually said;
"Really? um, oh."
She was an idiot. All my friends were idiots. My dad was an idiot.
I stopped payment all over her ass.
She made no attempt to collect. She knew mine was better. HA!
Moral of the story is; Now I have a retarded fingerprint.
Oh yeah and; Let me do your next surgery. I have a gift. I swear.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught thinking about what if it was her NIPPLE that was all exploded? What then huh?
Your Hockey Puck,
Martin Luther King Senior The First One Way Back The One Who Hated Blacks