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February 16, 2007

Plus One Time His Mom Frowned at Me for Making Fun of Lawrence Welk

In high school I had a friend who's parents were in their early 100s. I used to tell him that they probably kidnapped him because he was the only one with a uni-brow and his older brothers and sisters were in their 70s, 80s and 90s. He swore I was exaggerating and that his folks weren't that much older than mine, but yet the following two items are irrefutable FACTS that prove I was right.

1. His mother saved the styrofoam blood-slab/juice-tray dealies that come plastic-wrapped underneath grocery store meat and whenever we wanted an after school snack, she would pull one of them from the cram-packed cupboard for us to use as a paper plate alternative, only when we were done snacking, she wouldn't throw it away like you'd expect, SHE WOULD WASH IT AND PUT IT BACK!. Plus her name was Phyllis. OLD CITY.

2. When driving 10 miles an hour with his "Dad" we would change the channel from his "Dad's" favorite Elevator Muzak station to one of our rock stations and his "Dad" would say shit like "Now why in sam hill do they gotta go and god damn ruin a perfectly good god damn song by adding all them god damn words and god damn singing?" and my friend would say "Dad, these word versions come FIRST." and then his dad would say "Oh Balderdash!" Plus his name was Henry. OLD CITY.

YOU DECIDE.

Now Adrienne;









That's all for now.
Don't get caught staring at the ear hair.
Your Embassador of The Basket Ass Door,
That Basketball Dude What Hates The Gays

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

this HAS to be one of my favouritest posts in the last while.

old city indeed.

 

Blogger Gish is a gaywad.

at the thrill of being called a gaywad (hows that for old-city) I have witnessed things like little old ladies refusing to tie knots in their grocery bags for fear of the bags weighing more at the checkout :|

scary. And maybe we're almost there.

Sky cam, tell meeeeee
love,
Abstract Magdalene

 

Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

Hilarious! I am so happy you are telling funny childhood stories again.

 

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February 12, 2007

Also, The Evel Kenevel Doll He Had Was Broken, The Motorcycle Veered Hard Left Making It USELESS!



When I was in third grade we moved to a really rich neighborhood up on the high avenues of Salt Lake City. I don't ever remember ever being rich so I really have no idea what kind of hook-up my then single mom was rocking. I mean, I still was still brown bagging tuna sandwiches to school when they were serving lobster in the cafeteria. Anyway main thing for me was that I'd have to hold best friend auditions for the millionth time. No Big deal, auditions were a cinch, anyone who didn't call me freckle face or threaten me with a booger on their finger passed phase one. Phase two was going to their house after school to see what kind of cereal they had. Barring any abuses such as kicks to the groin or hair pulling and whallA -- phase three; new best friend.

I forget the name of the candidate about whom I write this story so I'm just gonna call him Osama Bin Laden, He wasn't arab or anything, in fact he was a super blonde Hitler youth type but he was super rich and had an unusual sense of humor.

Plus his head was very horseish.

Anyway, we end up at his house after school. Turns out his cereal selection was mind blowing. Every cereal known to man and more. He had cereal only clowns and gay CIA agents could get. We ate the fuck out of that shit for an hour and Osama even gave me the prizes in the bottom of the boxes. Things were going well.

After getting considerably buzzed on Cracky-Os, Osama led me to his bedroom where he had a closet filled with every GI Joe that ever fought in Nam. It was like P.O.W. central. I think Osama thought he was Vietnamese because lots of torture was clearly evident. So we're sitting there karate chopping everything and i'm scraping the fuzz off of GI Joe's head with my fingernail as usual when Osama pulls out a big box of matches.

COULD THIS AUDITION GET ANY BETTER?

We melt some stuff, do some fake smoking, all the usual junk, when Osama turns to me with a flaming match and says;

"Ever see a match burn twice?"

And before I could open my mouth to tell him I YES I KNOW THIS JOKE, he blows out the match and presses the red hot burning ember against my arm completely burning off one of my favorite freckles.

"OW you MOTHEREFFER!, EVER SEE A MATCH BURN DOWN A FUCKING RICH ASSHOLES HOUSE?

Then I shoved him into the GI Joe prison, locked it, then lit a match and held it to his expensive GI Joe curtains which quickly burst into a huge ball of flames and burned down the entire three story house with him in it.

I could hear his screams as he burned, they made me laugh.



That's all for now.
Don't get caught lying about his cereal selection when it was really actually kinda iffy and he only had like 3 GI Joes even thought the point is that BURNING PEOPLE WITH MATCHES IS NOT GOING TO GET YOU PAST PHASE TWO OF BEST FRIEND AUDITIONS and I don't care how rich and Hitler Youthy you are, you will not get a callback.
Your Fifth Grammy,
The One Who Killed Your Grammpy

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

nicole is hhhhhhhhhot.

and that was the gayest story ever.

 

Blogger gabrielle is a gaywad.

"I mean, I still was still brown bagging tuna sandwiches to school when they were serving lobster in the cafeteria. "

thats a really kayoot line thurr merkley

 

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10 Things I Tape Recorded With My Panasonic Tape Recorder in 1979

1. Every sitcom on television but mostly "What's Happening"

2. Every song on the radio.

3. Michael Jackson "Off The Wall"

4. Hundreds of farts.

5. My awful step brother Todd talking about Elvis and bragging about crimes he'd committed and was going to commit with a big fat mean Navajo named Pat Yazzi.



6. Myself talking like Jimmy Carter, a Negro, a retarded person, a baby, an old woman, a Texan, a Mexican, a doofus, my sister, Satan, a talk show host, a duck, a 100 year old man, Kermit, Grover, Ernie and MORE!

7. My senile step grandmother crapping and wiping her butt with the towels.

8. Hundreds of telephone conversations between my step sisters and their black boyfriends, all very boring except when they talked about pot or disco.

9. Dozens of toilet flushes.

10. Tons of fake explosions and gunshots done while basically swallowing the microphone -- the same one used to record the farts.


That's all for now.
Don't get caught calling the cops on your step brother and Pat Yazzi even though they didn't actually do anything just then but you know they were up to SOMETHING.
Your Step Sisters Favorite Band,
The Ohio Players

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

i laughed outloud so hard just now at reading this. i had this old heavy brown fisher price tape recorder that i would listen to a tape of the cat in the hat on and then use the other side to tape a bunch of random stuff. that was when i was real small and my grandpa used to give me (at age 6 and 7) tapes of jfk speaking and mlk speaking to listen to so i ended up taping over those too. when i got older, that old brown recorder turned into a boom box into which i would sing the greatest love of all by whitney houston in a tiny whisper voice because i a)was scared to get walked in on mid-performance and b) thought i hit the high notes better when i sang quietly.

 

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6 Things I Learned In The Summer of 1979 Making 100 8mm Movies With My Best Friend Brent Sommerfield

1.While gasoline may be good for melting model airplanes, it makes it impossible to hold it with your hand to make it pretend fly because the melting liquid plastic burns like fuck and the toxic black smoke sticks to your nose holes.

2. While the scraped off sparkler junk from sparklers seems like it would kick ass for blowing up model cars, It's really more just a flash fire followed by black smoke melty business and it's really hard to light.

3. While it would seem that filling Barbie dolls with red paint and then stabbing them with steak knives would yeild an awesomely realistic squirt effect, it's really more like a nap inducing ooze that looks like red paint.



4. While peed on stuffed animals is a cool idea and everything, if you don't have the camera ready to go when the actor begins to pee, the pee runs out fast and squirt bottles filled with lemonade ain't the same cuz you can't see the stream leave the peehole which is like totally essential if you want the critics to give a shit.

5. While Flaming model trains are slightly less snoresville than non flaming ones, at least the non-flamers don't stop working in like 5 minutes.

6. While Brent Sommerfield's dad talks a big game about developing the film and having a neighborhood movie party in the back yard, he is totally full of shit. You'll never see one inch of your genius film, which is fine because the movie in your head is way better anyway.

Thats all for now,
Don't get caught drawing eyeballs on that little knobby neck-stump and telling your sister that Barbie now looks exactly like her.
Your Big Huge Freaking Surprise,
Anna Nicole Smith

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

that shot of bryn is genius.

but you already knew that didn't you.

 

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February 07, 2007

I Mean A Dime I Could See, But Ten Silver Dollars And A Pound Of Nails? Dude Must Be FAT.

Last night at a party a drunk girl decided it would be the best thing in the world to slide a quarter down into the back of my pants and into my butt crack.

"I'm leaving it in there you know. You can't have it back."

"Oh darn -- hey look over there!" she said.

The quarter quickly reached ass crack temperature rendering it invisible to the eyes that don't exist in my butthole and as drinking and parties go I was soon engaged in other party retardedness which apparently did not include any leaping, splits doing, frog squatting, violent ass shaking or any other coin-from-crack dislodging activities because It wasn't until just a few hours ago, as I customarily spread my cheeks in the shower to allow that all important initial debris clearing shampoo-down-the-back-into-the-crack river of suds to flood out and prepare Ham Canyon for a good scrubbing, that the quarter finally slid loose with clinkity clank in the bottom of my tub.

Jackpot. I KNEW I was onto something with that Bum Scrub method.

Is this normal? Will somebody else please try this and tell me how long they can keep a quarter in their crack while moving about? Is my crack too grippy?

Now Nicole and Rosi;


That's all for now.
Don't get caught talking log jam this and log jam that,
Your Supreme Master of Shampoo,
That Diaper Chick Astronaut, More Like AstroNUT.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

haha. ham canyon.

ok, so i think that is not normal. i guess unless you're really hairy or something.

how could you not feel that?

 

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