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March 21, 2007

Ok, Maybe Not Root Beer Float NOW, But Nacho Cheese or Guacamole For Sure. Taste it. I'll Let You.

I had a pink shirt when I was in fifth grade, probably a gift from grandma or something, I didn't really like it, not even so much because it was pink, it just looked like a shirt an old man would wear, you know, polyester button up with big collars, the kind I wear all the time now, but back then it was just kinda stupid. One day while wearing it to a Mormon root beer event, I spilled a big glop of root beer float right on the pocket where an alligator, fox or penguin could be.

"Whatever, this shirt is gay." I thought.

When I got home I took off the shirt but instead of throwing it in the wash, I decided I would put it back in my drawer, root beer float stain and all, as kind of a reminder/excuse not to wear it again.

Weeks later, early one morning before school, I faced my shirt drawer and realized that all my Pittsburgh Steelers shirts were in the wash and the only one I had left was that stupid pink shirt with the root beer float smudge on the pocket.

"Whatever, I'll just tell everyone at school I had a root beer float on the way to school. They will be too busy being jealous of my lavish root beer float lifestyle to bother me about the stain."

Well, much to my horror, when I arrived at school I was reminded that it was school picture day.

"FUCK FUCK FUCK" is what I would have thought if I weren't a good Mormon boy. "DANG IT!" is what I really thought.

You might be thinking "awe how cute" well FUCK YOU. This was serious business. I actually got a knot in my throat like I was gonna cry. It was AWFUL.

"I could fake sick, maybe barf -- no that's worse, then the saw dust guy has to come and I'll be the kid who barfed, plus I might get barf on my shirt and that's worse than month old root beer float. Crap, maybe there is a shirt in the lost and found. -- screw that, Carl Hewitt loses shit all the time and he had lice on lice check day.. Maybe I can just wash the root beer float stain out in the bathroom." I thought while choking back tears

I licked my finger to see how much moisture would be required to remove the root beer float stain or if it was even a possibility but as I touched the glob of spit to the root beer float stain, the spit absorbed into the shirt making a really dark pink spot that was way more noticeable than the root beer float glop which had basically turned into a substance resembling rubber or maybe a shiny plastic type deal. It almost looked like a smiley face mocking me. It almost looked like a sticker.

That's when genius struck. As usual, I had my favorite licorice scented black magic marker in my pocket, that would save me.

I told the teacher I needed to pee. Went into the bathroom, locked myself into a stall, took off my shirt ( which felt weird ), laid the stained pocket out over my knee and transformed that root beer float stain into a really cool looking cartoon of a dude with goofy eyes. Did I mention that my claim to fame in the fifth grade was my ability to turn any scribble into a cartoon character?

That was the first of literally hundreds of times I used a magic marker to turn a stain, rip or moth hole on my clothing into art. Still to this day when you bump into me at the bar and you see a funny little drawing on my leg, chances are it tastes like a root beer float.

see title.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught poop looping.
Your First Day at School,
PeePants Jones

Blogger Not-So-Normal-Mom... is a gaywad.

Okay-I'm probably not at all indicitive of what makes up your normal readership, but I came across your pictures on Flickr and I wanted to tell you that they really are lovely. I'm strangely drawn to them, and although I'm sure you don't care at all what I have to say...I just wanted you to know. Thanks for putting them out there.


Blogger The Queen is a gaywad.

Poop loop has a much nicer ring than circle jerk.

I'm sure your mom cherishes that photo, that is, if she didn't kick your butt and make you do re-takes.


Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

i always hated picture day.


Blogger Mark is a gaywad.

What you do with pictures is amazing. After reading and browsing through everything on your site over the last 2 months, I must say I am blown away by your talent.

Where do you get your inspiration? Where did you learn to work with photos like that?

I have a 10 month old daughter and I would love to tweak her pictures (not topless though :) ) to get the look you do.

Keep up the amazing work, it is inspirational.


Blogger tkkerouac is a gaywad.

Would you mind if I linked you?


Blogger .Hemaworstje is a gaywad.

hopsasdaisy , what a shock.
nt cos of the nudity , i am used to that but yeaayzks, the sheer horror.

Anyway anyday have a nice day , greets from the netherlands , have a party tille your pants drop down


Blogger tkkerouac is a gaywad.

I did end up linking you and to be honest, I've never seen your flicker account. But your photographs would look beautiful in mybarenakederotica diary. I could do a whole week of them and link your site, What do you think?


Blogger Aras is a gaywad.

once on a date i got buffalo wing sauce on my left shirt cuff. to make it not look stupid i then dabbed sauce on the right shirt cuff for symmetry. i turned out to be the only one who thought it wasn't even stuper...


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Plus, No Lie, I Woke Up to a Bowl Full of Pickle Juice on The Kitchen Floor, Maybe For The Dogs?

Sometimes when I am out drinking at crappy bars and dudes are asking me how long it took me to grow my beard and how many of the chicks I photograph I "bang", I text ideas to myself to remember them later. The drunker and more awesome I become, the worse the ideas get. When I get really drunk I write beautiful melancholic poetry such as the following gem from last night (spelling errors included):

"for thesse are the pickles with the false vinegar taste, floating arund the room when the truth lllies in the lonely oraface called the braain."

That's all for now.
Don't get caught talking like a black person.
Your Favorite Pizza,
Pepperoni Smith

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Plus It'll Impress The Cultural Studies Professor You've Been Blowing Down at The Bathhouse

Banana eating primates in the wild open their bananas from the opposite end. It is a superior method. Just pinch that little nub on the end and it kinda splits open allowing you to peel somewhat normally only with the added benefit that the banana slips out more easily because it's tapered a little more advantageously. I'd explain it more but you should just try it for yourself.

I'm not your monkey mom dood.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught with your finger in the baby's soft spot.
Your Dime a Dozen,
Ronald McDonald

FUCK FRANCINE!!: Post a Comment

March 01, 2007

Bed, Bath & Be Reasonable Here Please, Can You Just Be Reasonable For One Second?

I hate it in movies when two people get all hot and idiotic and they just have to have sex right this very instant and they get all grabby and rippy and then the dude takes his arm and swipes a perfectly good dinner off the table breaking plates and glasses, sending a fork and some gravy and some peas under the fridge and basically making a giant mess that someone has to clean up.

Meanwhile I'm scanning the theater for faces to see if anyone else is thinking about how now the dude in the movie will have to go back to Bed Bath & Beyond to fetch a new set of glasses and big white plates because you know the woman is gonna make HIM do it and then when he gets there he buys the wrong plates and forgets what style of glasses they have and then he brings them home and she gets all disappointed that he didn't remember what kind of dinnerware they have and how she goes to all this trouble to make the house nice and the least he could do is take notice and then he thinks back to when he swiped the dinner off the table and he remembers he was just trying to be dramatic to make her feel sexy and completely irresistable even though he would have been perfectly happy fucking on the couch with her on top where nothing would get broken and nobody would have to make a stupid fucking trip to Bed Bath & Beyond which ends in a fight Every Single Fucking Time.

Ten minutes later I have no idea what happened in the movie since the table swipe and am basically lost so I have to ask the person next to me who gets annoyed and the people behind and in front of us get annoyed and everyone loses.


Also, Josh Hartnett is the new Keanu Reeves.

Now Vanessa:

That's all for now.
Don't get caught pouring pickle juice in the dog's water bowl.
Your Text Friendly Fingerless Glove
FatFace McGooberBottom

Blogger GeoWulf is a gaywad.

Damn! my thoughts exactly. Where do you go to the theater? Let me know when you go next time, so when you 'scan' the audience you can see my nod of kindred approval.

Also, should I bic my head or leave it fuzzy like the former artist recently known as Mrs. Federline?


Blogger francine o. is a gaywad.

josh hartnett IS the new keanu reeves and zack braff will look like ray romano in about 10 years.


Blogger Melliferous Pants is a gaywad.

Apparently, I've been going to the wrong movies.


Blogger Gish is a gaywad.

honey, I think you're orally fixated.


Blogger The Queen is a gaywad.

Sex on the couch with her on top?

Do you really live in San Francisco? Sounds more like Duluth, Iowa.


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