Ok, Maybe Not Root Beer Float NOW, But Nacho Cheese or Guacamole For Sure. Taste it. I'll Let You.
I had a pink shirt when I was in fifth grade, probably a gift from grandma or something, I didn't really like it, not even so much because it was pink, it just looked like a shirt an old man would wear, you know, polyester button up with big collars, the kind I wear all the time now, but back then it was just kinda stupid. One day while wearing it to a Mormon root beer event, I spilled a big glop of root beer float right on the pocket where an alligator, fox or penguin could be.
"Whatever, this shirt is gay." I thought.
When I got home I took off the shirt but instead of throwing it in the wash, I decided I would put it back in my drawer, root beer float stain and all, as kind of a reminder/excuse not to wear it again.
Weeks later, early one morning before school, I faced my shirt drawer and realized that all my Pittsburgh Steelers shirts were in the wash and the only one I had left was that stupid pink shirt with the root beer float smudge on the pocket.
"Whatever, I'll just tell everyone at school I had a root beer float on the way to school. They will be too busy being jealous of my lavish root beer float lifestyle to bother me about the stain."
Well, much to my horror, when I arrived at school I was reminded that it was school picture day.
"FUCK FUCK FUCK" is what I would have thought if I weren't a good Mormon boy. "DANG IT!" is what I really thought.
You might be thinking "awe how cute" well FUCK YOU. This was serious business. I actually got a knot in my throat like I was gonna cry. It was AWFUL.
"I could fake sick, maybe barf -- no that's worse, then the saw dust guy has to come and I'll be the kid who barfed, plus I might get barf on my shirt and that's worse than month old root beer float. Crap, maybe there is a shirt in the lost and found. -- screw that, Carl Hewitt loses shit all the time and he had lice on lice check day.. Maybe I can just wash the root beer float stain out in the bathroom." I thought while choking back tears
I licked my finger to see how much moisture would be required to remove the root beer float stain or if it was even a possibility but as I touched the glob of spit to the root beer float stain, the spit absorbed into the shirt making a really dark pink spot that was way more noticeable than the root beer float glop which had basically turned into a substance resembling rubber or maybe a shiny plastic type deal. It almost looked like a smiley face mocking me. It almost looked like a sticker.
That's when genius struck. As usual, I had my favorite licorice scented black magic marker in my pocket, that would save me.
I told the teacher I needed to pee. Went into the bathroom, locked myself into a stall, took off my shirt ( which felt weird ), laid the stained pocket out over my knee and transformed that root beer float stain into a really cool looking cartoon of a dude with goofy eyes. Did I mention that my claim to fame in the fifth grade was my ability to turn any scribble into a cartoon character?
That was the first of literally hundreds of times I used a magic marker to turn a stain, rip or moth hole on my clothing into art. Still to this day when you bump into me at the bar and you see a funny little drawing on my leg, chances are it tastes like a root beer float.
Erica - Enjoying a Root Beer Float and a Half Soggy Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwich
While Taking a Shallow Soak in The Kitchen Sink
and Naganuko Heads For The Trash Can
Erica - Enjoying a Root Beer Float and a Half Soggy Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwich While Taking a Shallow Soak in The Kitchen Sink and Naganuko Gives Zero Fucks About His Stupid Cat Lunch
That's all for now.
Don't get caught poop looping.
Your First Day at School,