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April 29, 2007

BTW, Although an Aging Rockstar, He Was a Complete and Total Gentleman, I Don't Think He Even Noticed My Leaky Ladies

I woke up with boobs.

It wasn't a very good boob job either. It wasn't all that painful but I could tell that the surgeon was in a hurry. I don't have any recollection of consenting to the new boobs, but you never know, when I get drunk I can sometimes go to awful great lengths to make a point. What point I was trying to make is anyone's guess.

As I walked down the street with folded arms, many cars full of pointy fingers passed:

"Hey look, that guy has boobs." they'd say. "More like a BOOB" another would say.

The boobs were way too close together -- mono-boob almost.

The whole thing felt like a dream, but every time I would tell myself that, I'd wake up and the boobs were still there still aching and feeling too tight.

One of the flaps of the upside down T incision below my left nipple, which was much larger than I remember it, had come loose and I was able to poke my finger in there and feel around. Every time the end of my finger touched the implant it would recoil like the head of a snail. It was actually kinda cute. I always thought snails were cute how they get all "ew don't touch me" when I'd touch one of their feelers. I'm glad I opted for the living tissue implants. It's a pretty new technology.

I did my best to stand nonchalantly. I figured out a pose in which I was kinda leaning over as to loosen my shirt, and that combined with my folded arms seemed like it would do a pretty good job of concealing my surprise boobs, only trouble was that the incisions were bleeding and leaking a lot of plasma. My shirt was covered in blood from my under boob crease down. It was totally obvious I had a bad case of Leak Boob.

Later on, down at the aging Rocker's center, Geddy Lee tried to get me to join his new band. Said I had a "sweet look". Not having been a big fan of his first band I politely declined. Super nice guy though.

Thankfully by morning the boobs were gone but I have to admit, I kinda miss that little fella who lived in my boob.

Now Daniela:
That's all for now.
Don't get caught claiming your boob job was for a documentary when you were probably just drunk and trying to prove to some girl that you were TOTALLY in touch with your feminine side.
Your Flap Fiddler,
Dr. Botch

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Babsbitchin is a gaywad.

Damn, I hate when that happens.

 

Anonymous Gianluca is a gaywad.

BTW, the ending phrase is great, great, great!!!

(and Daniela has one of the cutest ass I've ever seen...)

 

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Plus Sometimes When I Eat Chicken It Tastes Like Eggs and Vice Versa

I did this very serious series for an article on an extremely uptight San Francisco musical artist Claude VonStroke for mixmag which is a music magazine based out of London.

also see dirtybirdrecords.com











That's all for now.
Don't get caught leaving your glow stick in the trunk.
Your Latest Craze Sweeping The Nation
Rave Dancing

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Some dude formally known as Satan is a gaywad.

I was coming in with whooping and high-fives all that gay macho shit guys do when they're trying not to appear gay and shit but then I listened to the music and I was thinking it's not so much my kinda thing unless I was picking up a chickolita who had taken a couple of E's or something, so I'm switching out the high fives for a casual nod, pat on the back, and a 'nice fuck'n photo's bro'.

 

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Plus Cats Look Cool Mummified and Spray Painted Silver Sitting on The Fridge. Trust Me.



Cats come and go so there is no need sweating your balls over a name. For years my chosen cat naming method was this: at the moment a name became necessary, the nearest book or magazine was grabbed and without looking, opened to a random page upon which the nose picker finger would be spasmodically plocked. Whatever the finger poked was the name and NO do-overs because that just goes on forever and is retarded.


Here is a list of cats in my life that were named with the above method(nicknames in parenthesis came later by more natural means):

1. Moadib (Ear Licker, Kitty Moadib)
2. Nugent (ScabTime)
3. Attorney (My Attorney, My Lawyer, Mattlock, Christopher Dardon)
4. Was (Was NOT, Fuzz, Cuzz, Buzz, Flea Machine)
5. Of (Colonel Sanders, Disease-o)

Stay tuned for an explanation on the name Disease-o



That's all for now.
Don't get caught blaming cat pee for your senility.
Your Dog
Now Beat It. Scram. Psssssshhht. Hyah.

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April 28, 2007

Oh Yeah, I Also Got Out Two Blocks Earlier Because Sitting Next to Her Was "Shrinking My Lifespan"

merkley???: i totally went off on a lame chick last night. i was way drunk and she was totally just bad energy city so i just started telling her how much she sucks

raymi: how so

merkley???: i told her she had a stupid look on her face and that her posture was fake looking and that her fake superiority was totally transparent and annoying and that she was like a black hole for good energy. i'm not a hippy but everyone knows bad vibes

raymi: WOW

merkley???: anyway, the people i was with that knew her were all being quiet as i thrashed her

raymi: holy crap how wasted were you

merkley???: but afterwards everyone was text high fiving me. apparently her own friends hate her too.
i was way wasted.

raymi: what was the root of her suckiness

merkley???: thinking she was hot, acting like hot shit and never turning it off. fake aloofness.

raymi: what was she talking about.

merkley???: she was hardly talking about anything it was an attitude.

raymi: i fake aloofness, well i use to, now it's like severe looking at the groundness which comes off as snob bitchy

merkley???: man -- i never meet people as cool as me, i wish i could meet me one day, like just run into myself at a bar

merkley???: i wouldn't try to bug me, i wouldnt comment on my beard or ask about how many of the chicks i photograph i bang.

raymi: you would not talk to you because you know how annoyed you would be by that

merkley???: i would just wait until i had a really funny thing to say about someone in the room

raymi: you are not above waiting 4 hours to say a sentence to someone. waste yer whole nite

merkley???: yeah, it would take only 5 seconds to say.

raymi: worth it, fully

merkley???: and i would say it as i handed my other self a drink that i already bought without asking if he wanted it or making a big deal about it and then i would walk away.

merkley???: and my other self would be like -- whoa -- that dude was cool.

raymi: "and then i would walk away", hahahahhaa, what was that u were talking about aloofness? fake aloofness. hahah

merkley???: that's not aloofness because i gave my other self a drink and said something awesome. that's called a grand exit.

raymi: dude should i jump out of a plane this summer?


That's all for now.
Don't get caught doing the robot with your personality.
Your Home on The Range,
Roaming Antelope

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Peewinkle Jefferson is a gaywad.

peewinklejefferson.blogspot

 

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April 26, 2007

Plus, If You Stare At The Photo Long Enough Your Eyes Will Get Fuzzy and Tired

So I bought a printer online and it arrived on the back of ten semi trucks with fifty wheels on ten extra axles each because it is as big at ten mobile homes and makes prints as big as your mom's butt.

Anyway, it prints amazingly so I'm opening a one hour foto shop in my backyard. I just shipped off prints to my very first customers today and since I'm far too lazy and resourceful to type a new blog, I'll post the letter I included with their purchases.

Congratulations on your purchase of fine and valuable photographic prints from the fine people at merkley???. Actually it's just one people... him -- well, ok, me. Thanks for purchasing photos from ME is what I was trying to say.

For proper care and handling and to ensure life long enjoyment of these fine and valuable prints, follow these 37 special instructions;

1. Unless specifically ordered by a superior to do so, never lick or touch the photographs with anything pinkish and moist.

2. Uuummm - uuhh.... can't think of one for 2.

9. NEVER place photographs face down on the ground, smunching and grinding them into the asphalt with your foot.

6. Do not swear at the photographs. This includes passive aggressive gestures and eye rolls. Just kidding. GO NUTS!

11. If your hands are smeared with butter, vaseline or axle grease, please grab the photo by the very very tiny little corner like you would with a diaper or your grandmother's hanky. In fact, this how you should ALWAYS handle fine and valuable art. Nose pinching optional.

Oh! 2. Do not expose the photographs to harmful death rays.

24. When pondering the photographs, try to imagine how much better they would be if they were made out of candy or beef, but please remember suggestion numero one-o.

6. When showing the photographs to friends, make sure to keep saying the word INVESTMENT but then go on and on about how you really buy art impulsively because it speaks to you and you just HAVE to have it. It's an emotional thing really. Say that too. "It's an emotional thing". Maybe even whisper it. Try to crack your voice like you might cry.

37. Do not attempt to use any of the following materials as picture frames.
a. Saliva
b. Fire
m. Death
p. Cottage cheese
x. Wind
f. Regret

By following these 37 suggestions you and your new photographs will enjoy many many years of forbidden love. While there is also a very high likelihood that you will get older and older and more decrepit and even one day you'll probably get a disease and die, you should be happy to know that these photographs will basically look the same long after you are dead and gone. So that's good right? .... It's never too early to write your will.

Once again, with sincere thanks and insinuated indifference because this exact same letter is on my "blog" for ANYONE to read;
Happy Fine and Valuable Print Owning!
Your 2nd wife,
merkley???


Now Zoe:


That's all for now.
Don't get caught spending 20 minutes deleting suggestions so that they will all fit on one page.
Your Gigantic Printer,
Huge I'm Telling You

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

do you sign them or do they come with the merkley??? in grey in the lower right hand corner? And, where is the girl with the black eye cut on finger anchor tats?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yes i actually sign them and sometimes i even write cool stuff on them.

the emily pics are here:
http://www.threequestionmarks.com/blog/2006/03/first-time-i-ever-didnt-kill.html

and here:
http://www.threequestionmarks.com/blog/2006/01/guess-who-doesnt-feel-like-being-funny.html

 

Blogger danny is a gaywad.

god you are one beautiful bitch.

i mean the girl merks. not you.

well, you are a beautiful bitch too.

anyway, what the fuck is up man? haven't talked to you in a while.

But i'm glad i still have your website to get my always artful and stylish/softcore porn.

touch me

there

no, not there

here

yes

ok, now put it in your mouth

oh yeah

fuck dude, stop using your teeth

ok, stop. no, STOP!

ok, now bend over your bed and just let me **spit** get....inside....ok.

you ok?

fuck, i don't care.

ok,

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ok, do it to me now.

ouch! spit on it first, fuck man.

owwwwwwwwwwwwwohhhhhhhhhyeah

ok

harder

harder

fuckyeah


ok, pull it out

pull it out motherfuck..........ah shit man. you blew it in me.

fuck.

get something.

i don't know, grab that mcdonalds cup.

ok, take the straw out.

now put it in my asshole.

there, now stick the other end in your nose, and snort.

dude, that tickles.

did you get it.

ok, now turn around.

***grabbing gun****

ok, turn around again.


i'm gonna blow your fucking semen infested brains out.



lates merks.

ps: do you think you'll approve my comment? i hope so....

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

aw.
still such a swetheart.

that was lovely.

 

Blogger danny is a gaywad.

i discovered your flickr page. left a few comments.

i love it when people don't know who they are talking to, and try to insult.

god i love jean benet ramsey

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ha ha -- yeah i just deleted one of your comments. not because i personally found it anything less that what i expect from you but because, there are too many people out there that as soon as they see one person saying something rude then they think its ok to talk rudelyabout the girls and i have no interest in turning flickr into a locker room where people try to out shock each other. those days are for the old blog. i end up acting like a speech monitor so i just delete all sex stuff over there.

no offense to you of course.

 

Blogger Peewinkle Jefferson is a gaywad.

dewd. i'm so far behind on my merkley reading. what's the status on the coffee table book?

farts,
francine

oh, ps: peewinkle jefferson is for my new blog. yeah, i figured i took a long enough break.

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yeah your old blog is some kind of celeb blog. why don't you link to the new one?

 

Blogger RILAH is a gaywad.

ok, i occassionally stalk cuz honestly, if rayms is talking to you all the time, you're prolly pretty cool...or something like that.

i love the smut man. i don't mean the girls, per se, just the general overal grown-uppiness of merkley???

i can only hope that one day MY daughter zoë can be portryaed in such a light by an obviously sensitive-souled individual.

rock on,
just another manic mommy

 

Anonymous Gianluca is a gaywad.

Now I'm feeling obliged to buy one of your prints just to receive that letter...

Mmmm, I'll stop reading for today, otherwise who knows what's next... ;)

Your faithful italian fella

Gianluca

 

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April 25, 2007

OK. I Admit I Cried at The Concert The Night Before But They Did That 9/11 Names Stuff So Cram It

So yeah, I have these rockstar friends and whenever they are in town, almost without fail, we eat and get drunk at my house, it's tradition. A number of years ago they were opening for U2 and the secret (mostly mine) plans were to get U2 to join us at my house. Not really a tall order considering the tour and the fact that my rockstar friends, on different tours, shared the same personal bodyguard as Bono and this bodyguard became a friend of mine and he'd been to my house a number of times, remarking on how much he thought Bono would dig the place.

Yeah, that's right, my house is more fun and interesting than anything in SF so suck it.

Anyway, I'm not a star struck type but U2 is like the biggest band in the world. So I join my friends for dinner at the Clift hotel and most of the U2 guys are there too sitting all around in the Red Room eating expensive food and it occurs to me that despite my undeniable rockstar presence I'm basically the only non ACTUAL rockstar at the table.

Dinner is wrapping up and, just like my rockstar friends said it would happen, one of the U2 dudes who wasn't The Edge or Bono says:

"So what's on the schedule tonight?" as if to be putting out the feelers for something fun to do -- ie MY HOUSE.

My rockstar friends all look at me because this is the part where I am supposed to invite everyone over for drinks but all I can think of is all these limos and security people with walkie talkies rolling up to my house and how Bono might need to take a crap on my toilet and he might snoop through my sunglasses collection and steal my flavor or maybe the neighbors would find out and a bunch of fans would show up and bum rush my house or maybe even worse, that I'd run home to prep the place only to have the plans change and then I'm sitting there at home waiting for Bono who never shows up and I feel like some ugly girl stood up for prom.

It only took me one second to think all that.

So there they all are waiting for my invitation as planned but what comes out of my mouth is:

"What's wrong with this place? Nice lighting and a good selection of booze plus we're already here!"

Thing is, i didn't even WANT to say that -- it was a total CHOKE.

I don't remember what we did that night but I do remember getting minor shit from my rockstar friends for not inviting U2 to my house, which in and of itself seems pretty fucking cool, like I'm all "U2 - ACCESS DENIED!" which is how I SHOULD tell the story even though the truth is that I was a just a wuss.

Probably wouldn't have come anyway.

Snore.

Now Jessie:

That's all for now.
Don't get caught listening to the rushing sound of names dropping out of your butt.
Your Cries Too Much Champ,
Montell Williams

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Jodi is a gaywad.

HAHAHAHHA!! I've been to your house and Bono hasn't. Suckah.

Hang on....that was your house in U-taw. Damn. Ok, well Bono and I now have that in common that we have not been invited to your SF pad.

Hi Dave!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

jodi nelson call jodi?

 

Blogger FEJ is a gaywad.

Cool..I have something on Bono and the rest of U2.
You talking about Big C? Ran into him a couple weeks ago by my work. Gonna see one of those rockstar types you know tomorrow. Helping him get a new computer.

 

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Beside! What Wrong With a I.Q. of Minus 31 Anyways? Stephen Hawking Smart and HE Retarded.

One thoughtful reader (mom???) writes:

man you being here and writing this garbage brings down the Nerve IQ by a 100. i really have no idea why decided to put you here. They must have been high. Your highly saturated, vignette adorned pics are mediocre at best. Just becaus ppl are naked in it, is not a value in and of its own. Go work at Maxim.
posted by eeeeeeeeeeeeek on 3/17/2007 5:41:06 PM



That's all for now.
Don't get caught understanding what I'm all about.
One Helpful Fella
EEEEEEEK The Genius.

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I Also Texted "That Fag Was Hung Like a Disco Ball"

As I have discussed here previously, when I'm out drinking I text myself the little nuggets of bullshit that come into my drunken brain. Here is one I texted to myself thursday night while attending a $1500 per ticket (free 4 me) Naomi Campbell fashion show wherein the perpetually miserable, leather faced, old money, white, yuppie, Marina crowd exploded in blatant clappy bursts of chirpy, guilty white liberal patronage every time a black model (Tyson Beckford, Naomi Campbell and especially Alek Wek) strutted down the runway, as if it were The Special Olympics and black people were undateable retards.

Anyway, my text message:

"My biggest problem with the phrase "white power"
is my distaste for redundancy."


I hate fashion shows. They are stupid.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught walking like Naomi Campbell and looking RuPaulish.
Your Idiot Walker
Runway Model

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Plus, If Mel Torme Sang This To You I Guarantee You'd Cry. Is He Dead? I Can't Remember.

I texted myself this solemn lullaby while pondering my dirty fingernails at the bar the other night. the melody is very sad.

i got boogers in my nose
i got poop in my butt
i got wax in my ears
i got barf in my gut
i got jam in my toes
i got grease in my hair
i got bellybutton lint
and i dont care


That's all for now.
Don't get caught snubbing dirty fingernails when they were your primary inspiration.
Your Worst Haircut
Greg The TV Show Host

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

your poem made me cry it was so good.

 

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April 23, 2007

BTW, Butterface is Right Now Licking Out The Final Smears From a Gallon of Nacho Cheese We Killed

The Mormon Church counsels it's members to always have on hand at least a two year supply of healthy food and water so when Jesus comes back and the sinners and gentiles are all stumbling around the atomic wasteland (sent to bring on the bunny and flower filled millennium), choking on the ghastly fumes of burning gays and catholics, the Saints can remain safe and fat, all tucked into their basement armageddon shelters, enjoying whole wheat pasta, brown rice, bottled peaches and mustard pickles.

One thousand years of peace the millennium will supposedly be.

Not kidding about the flowers and bunnies.

Despite having 10 kids in the house and a senile gramma, my mom and step dad did their best to keep the food storage room/armageddon shelter stocked full, which was great, it was like a store filled with food, right there in the basement. Too bad it really was just crappy whole wheat heath food and freeze dried pork-n-beans.

My mom was really against junk food. 6 of my step brothers and sisters were guilt-beamed to near death for even ACTING like they wanted Froot Loops or soda, which of course made a box of Froot Loops worth it's weight in gold, creating an intricate black market of halloween candy, Pepsi-Free and cups full of plain white sugar. Kids of health food Mormon doomsdayists understand the economies of black markets better than anyone. It's no wonder so many grow up to work for the FBI. Look it up.

Anyway, among the freeze dried peas, carrots, creamed corn sealed tight in gallon tin cans, one day I discovered a can labeled "Cheddar Cheese Powder".

That can became my best friend for the next year. It really was Cheddar Cheese Powder. Not really like the cheese dust on cheese puffs or the cheese stuff in mac and cheese, it was a strong, super duper orange cheese dust that could choke you in the most cheesiest fashion if you were so foolish/lucky to inhale as you scooped a spoonful into your mouth. I eventually figured out the best method was just to lick my finger, stick it in the dust, then lick it again. One lick was like the equivalent of ten slices of cheese so I really pretty much limited myself to maybe ten or twenty licks a day.

If the millennium was gonna be as finger lickin' good as that year I spent with that can of Cheddar Cheese Powder, well, now you know why I didn't abandon the faith til I was 24.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Wendy is a gaywad.

That sounds awesome! The bunny and flower part..seriously? Wow. Maybe I will let my boss convert me afterall.

Great pictures, the whole "cheesie poof" thing works with the finger "lick a maid" story. Fantastic as usual.

 

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April 10, 2007

Actually, I Forgot About it Til It Was Over, That's Even A BIGGER Burn!


Cram it. I know it's two days late but dissing Jesus on his special day makes me feel good about myself, and I figure not going to his party but mocking it later is like a few levels higher on the cool scale especially because he is really insecure about people not showing up to his events.

BAD HOST.

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Blogger Kicks Ass!!