The Walrus Was Not Paul, Jesus Would Have Used Wet Toilet Paper & Golfing With Jerry Seinfeld
Why is it that whenever I let someone use my shower they slosh the fuck out of it? There may as well have been a herd of epileptic seals in there.. What the fuck was she doing in there?
"You OK in there?" I couldn't quite remember who I had seen going in. Could have been any number of the girls from the sleep over. "Hello?" I said as I knocked as politely as I could.
Nothing. No response. Just the sounds of slopping, slapping and sloshing. Maybe she was doing my wash in the tub.
"HEY!, everything okay in there?" I raise my voice. "What are you doing in there? It's sounds like a fucking tsunami."
There aren't any locks on my bathroom and whoever was in there I have probably already seen naked anyway so I slowly opened the door. A thick column of steam slid out the door as I poked my head in. I looked into the shower area but in the thick fog it appeared empty. As the cloud cleared I saw a woman I dated for a week or two who was plastering wet towels to the bathroom walls. As lovely as she was, naked girl and all, I didn't want to be accused of Peeping Tomery so I loudly elbowed the door and cleared my throat. She turned around as if she had known I was there the whole time.
"What do you think?" she asked.
"I think you have taken all my towels and wallpapered my entire bathroom is what I think."
"Yeah doesn't it look cool? I always loved how with just plain water you can stick fabric to things. I like to sit back and watch to see which ones peel and which ones don't, the thicker and heavier they are the better they stick, kinda defies logic." she said.
"Yeah, I have done that too. How did you get them to stick to the ceiling?" I asked.
"You have to throw it like a pizza."
"Oh yeah, duh. Well just make sure to mop up the floor and clear your own hairplug out of the drain."
At least she was being constructive. It did make the bathroom look a new kind of interesting and it wasn't permanent. I imagine next time I use the shower the steam will peel it all off. That'll be kinda cool. Or maybe I could even peel them off in stiffened rectangular sheets, that's cool too. The last time this kind of thing happened it was a long haired "spiritual" hippie and I could clearly hear him passing gas and blowing snot out of his nose into the open shower. Fucking Jesus Christ, no wonder they crucified him.
In the living room Jerry Seinfeld was acting like the left half of his face was glued to the floor. It was funny at first but he dragged it out too long so I putted a golf ball into in his mouth when he was pretending he was an astonished retarded cowboy who upon attempting to listen to the ground for approaching indians realized he could hear is own farts amplified. The golf ball was the perfect punctuation on a mediocre joke.
Now This Band:
I shot that for 7x7 Magazine
"Cream" is the name of their new album.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught constantly bringing up Jesus Christ's lousy bathroom habits.
Your Favorite Approaching Indian,