Super Big Gigantic Big Humongous Big Enormous Big Changes are Afoot

Dear merkley???,
Everybody hates your dreams. Write about your boners or we stop paying.
Love,
Nerve

Dear Nerve,
Not true, one person likes them, TWO counting me. I'd give you your money back but I already spent it on a pack of gum. I will stop posting my dreams. I will try to start writing more about my boners.
Love,
merkley???

Dear merkley???,
Your response made us very emotional. We feel like we are going to barf. We are breaking up with you. PAY STOPPED.
Love,
Nerve

Dear Nerve,
Phew, your incessant interest in my boners always creeped me out anyway. Gross.
Love,
merkley???


For that one person that does realize the pure genius pooped out by my superior brain every night, you will still be able to find it in the secret place where I have always put it:
Heavywieght Sleep Champion of The World

I'll notify my host that traffic is about to go thru the rizz.

"Jenny F - Super Big Gigantic Humongous Enormous Changes

It's Not "Remote" If You're Actually In The Car, The Memory of Egg Yolks & The End Of The World Beta

I visited the new science museum just over the Golden Gate bridge. I borrowed a remote control Porsche to get there. It's not really the most functional thing in the world to drive your own car with a little control box, I think they should have actual connected controls on the inside of the car and leave the little box controller for when one needs to control it from afar. Anyway, none of that stopped me from driving like I was Starsky & Hutch. I'm really good at getting air, all one really needs to do is sit really low in the seat and then, at once, thrust oneself upward -- it's not much different than doing a bunnyhop on a bicycle, in fact it's a little easier since the shocks can be exploited for their bounciness.

At the museum a woman was demonstrating the inherent memory of egg yolks. She cracked a bunch of eggs on her chest. The eggs ran down under her thin t-shirt, over her slightly visible breasts and onto a plate below. Once she turned on the vibrating plate and the ultraviolet lights, the egg yolks gelled up and created an exact duplication of her chest off of which they had just dribbled. In other words, egg yolks, by nature can remember any form with which they have come in contact and they are able to completely replicate it down to the tiniest of details. I'm sure you can imagine the implications for rapid prototyping and other such technologies. I thought it was smart to use a woman's breasts as an example. Duh.

The live 3d models of the sun were cool. Apparently there is now a camera system that projects things in actual 3d. Go to the science museum and check it out. It's nice to be able to touch and feel an exact scale model of the sun LIVE as it's happening, sans heat of course. You can do it with a person's face in another place as well, but I thought the sun was more interesting. Solar flares feel like furry tails. Still imagine the future of virtual sex with a person on the other side of the globe. They do need to get the temperature thing sorted. All the flesh I felt was cold.

My father brought a few of his buddies along and they wouldn't stop yammering on about being "moderates" and how they and their ilk represent salvation for our current political situation. I mean I was pretty much agreeing with the whole speech but still, it's not really a conversation one wants to have while attempting to cross the busiest VW Bug freeway. One should concentrate on not getting hit by a VW bug. Also, I'm not sold on the idea of having different freeways for different types of cars, sure, it looks cool - but it ain't practical.

Speaking of gigantic fireballs, as I was crossing the freeway, off in the distance, a pillar of fire and hot plasma shot up out of the skyline at least 50 miles into the air. I was certain that it was the end of the world. I could feel the heat on my face and through my clothing. It momentarily scared the crap out of me. Nobody else around me was as nervous, they all apparently knew it was all part of the science museum. Still, a little warning would be nice.

Now for These guys with Hats:

Adam Barton - Sitting in His Car In His Garage Wearing The Hat He Designed For The Goorin Hat Company

This picture is in the next issue of Juxtapoz.


Luke Stewart - Preparing Tattoo Stuff at Seventh Son Tattoo in SF

This picture is in the current issue of Juxtapoz.
You can buy those hats and many others from these fuckers: www.goorin.com

That's all for now,
Don't get caught overthinking plasma,
Your Favorite Breakfast Hazard,
Sharp Toast

Craig Ferguson is a Hippie, The Easter Clown Rat & A Poop By Any Other Name...

So Craig Ferguson, the host of The Late Late Show, moonlights as a motivational speaker. You wouldn't think it by looking at him but he is quite a hippie. His main message is that everyone should sleep naked in gigantic beds with everyone else because we don't fight when we're naked or asleep. Genius.

Anyway, somebody dragged me to his seminar up in the mountains. I'm not a group participation type and I actually hate motivational speaking so when everyone else was curling up in the giant bed and Mr. TalkShow was ringleadering like a jackass, I found myself a little place in the hallway on the oily green carpet underneath the stairs. Everyone had to step over me and their shoe crumbs kept landing on my cheek so it wasn't the most comfortable sleep I ever had, plus some people got a little jealous that I had my own place so a few people joined me and somebody's cold foot kept wedging itself into my crack.

At breakfast Craig was quite the star, all the frumpy girls were basking in his glow and trying to get his attention. He played it off like the perfect polygamist, one woman was doing her best sad and neglected face and he walked right up and put his lips one millimeter from hers in some kind of torture type exercise which I found quite disturbing between two people who couldn't be less sexually desirable as far as I was concerned. Her lip quivered like it was the most tempting thing in the world. All I could think was ew.

In the other room a high school crush girl I never made out with was making chocolate chip cookie cake, which is basically just a 8 inch pile of 12 inch chocolate chip cookies with peanut butter in between the layers to keep it together. When she cut the cake into only four pieces I hinted that two pound servings of such a rich and heavy dessert might be a little much but she got all pouty about my suggestions so we fucked instead.

The rat infestation at the villa took a new turn, some of the rats learned that by being cute and doing tricks now and then, they get spared the flame-thrower. One rat was even wearing an easter bonnet and fake eyelashes. I pointed the flame thrower at him just to fuck with him but he totally knew I was bluffing and gave me a fake fear face. Confident cross dressing rats are pretty cool, like that even needs to be said.

Later on there was a poop joke telling competition and my friend from Australia was going head to head with Craig Ferguson. I thought my friend was the hands down winner because Australian accents beat Scottish accents in the funny department as far as scatological terminology is concerned. Say "poop" in both accents if you don't believe me.

The cab driver on the way home kept talking about cool buildings he'd "heard about".

"You mean you have never even seen the Twisty Hotel?" I asked.

"No, but I'm sure it's the greatest thing in the whole world."

"That is architectural hearsay."

I think the dumbest shit is clever when I'm drunk.

Now Cynthia:

Cynthia - SkyCam

That's all for now.
Don't get caught completely avoiding the peanut butter just because it seems like it wouldn't be slippery enough.
Your Fantasy Thumb,
A Teenie Tiny Monkey Hand on a Rat.

World Politics With Dirt Devil

merkley???: i am prepping my house for maid service
which means i am deep cleaning and organizing every square inch
it is a month long proposition
i started with my bedroom
now my work room is almost done, then on to the living room
every single item is getting put in its right place
every safety pin, penny, nut, screw, button, all of it
thanks for listening

kelly: whoa! really!?
that sounds like a MAJOR project

merkley???: it is
kinda therapeutic
new leaf type shit

kelly: totally. have you found anything awesome that you forgot all about?

merkley???: not really
i have been tossing anything that is meaningless
i'm pretty sentimental so organization is key
as you know i keep a lot

kelly: that's crazy. i want to come over and see the final result

merkley???: well you prob wont notice as much as me
it's mostly going through suitcases, drawers, boxes, cabinets etc..

kelly: making room for new shit to collect

merkley???: ha ha -- prob, BUT no more dust
once i get done with the initial clean its maid time

kelly: how often will the maid come?

merkley???: i'd say twice a month would be sufficient

kelly: yeah

merkley???: but i am also getting strangely nostalgic for saturday cleaning that i had to do as a kid
every saturday we had major house cleaning chores
i hated it

kelly: hahaah

merkley???: i want to get the house to the point that when i interview a maid she will be impressed with how clean it is already

kelly: hahaha
so you are already doing the deep cleaning type stuff?
like wiping down bookshelves and stuff?

merkley???: totally, and of course i will go on about how embarrassed i am about how "filthy" it is..

kelly: HAHAHAH
to set high standards

merkley???: like i'm the most anal man in the world
man i'm so excited
ha ha
break out the scented candles
i'm turning gay

kelly: i'd be excited too
what made you decide to do this?

merkley???: Snortzle's allergies.
i'm putting small items in bottles
any non transparent container gets a label
no more searching for things
all things that go together will be together
oh wait, yes i did find something awesome i forgot about
500 bucks

kelly: no way!

merkley???: that was on day one

kelly: where was it stashed?

merkley???: under some blankets in the cage dealie
which is now a luxurious dog house
butterface loves it
moved in 20 minutes after i set it up with the fuzzy blankets
snortz goes in there too unless i'm on the bed then they both join me but butterface sometimes bails if i turn my back and she's not top priority.

kelly: cute, do you remember putting the money in there?

merkley???: no i dont remember why i would have put it there unless it was laying out before a party
i should spend it right away

kelly: on......................A MAID!

Now Cynthia:

That's all for now,
Don't get caught counting the change in the dust pan to see what your hourly worth is.
Your Hazmat Schlubb,
Dirt Devil

merkley???: i am prepping my house for maid service
which means i am deep cleaning and organizing every square inch
it is a month long proposition
i started with my bedroom
now my work room is almost done, then on to the living room
every single item is getting put in its right place
every safety pin, penny, nut, screw, button, all of it
thanks for listening

kelly: whoa! really!?
that sounds like a MAJOR project

merkley???: it is
kinda therapeutic
new leaf type shit

kelly: totally. have you found anything awesome that you forgot all about?

merkley???: not really
i have been tossing anything that is meaningless
i'm pretty sentimental so organization is key
as you know i keep a lot

kelly: that's crazy. i want to come over and see the final result

merkley???: well you prob wont notice as much as me
it's mostly going through suitcases, drawers, boxes, cabinets etc..

kelly: making room for new shit to collect

merkley???: ha ha -- prob, BUT no more dust
once i get done with the initial clean its maid time

kelly: how often will the maid come?

merkley???: i'd say twice a month would be sufficient

kelly: yeah

merkley???: but i am also getting strangely nostalgic for saturday cleaning that i had to do as a kid
every saturday we had major house cleaning chores
i hated it

kelly: hahaah

merkley???: i want to get the house to the point that when i interview a maid she will be impressed with how clean it is already

kelly: hahaha
so you are already doing the deep cleaning type stuff?
like wiping down bookshelves and stuff?

merkley???: totally, and of course i will go on about how embarrassed i am about how "filthy" it is..

kelly: HAHAHAH
to set high standards

merkley???: like i'm the most anal man in the world
man i'm so excited
ha ha
break out the scented candles
i'm turning gay

kelly: i'd be excited too
what made you decide to do this?

merkley???: Snortzle's allergies.
i'm putting small items in bottles
any non transparent container gets a label
no more searching for things
all things that go together will be together
oh wait, yes i did find something awesome i forgot about
500 bucks

kelly: no way!

merkley???: that was on day one

kelly: where was it stashed?

merkley???: under some blankets in the cage dealie
which is now a luxurious dog house
butterface loves it
moved in 20 minutes after i set it up with the fuzzy blankets
snortz goes in there too unless i'm on the bed then they both join me but butterface sometimes bails if i turn my back and she's not top priority.

kelly: cute, do you remember putting the money in there?

merkley???: no i dont remember why i would have put it there unless it was laying out before a party
i should spend it right away

kelly: on......................A MAID!

Now Cynthia:

Cynthia - Deitada

That's all for now,
Don't get caught counting the change in the dust pan to see what your hourly worth is.
Your Hazmat Schlubb,
Dirt Devil

The Back Seat Driver, Rumble Down at The Piss Burger & Apologies for Apologies

I have a friend that is a terrible driver, always yelling, driving aggressively, flipping people off etc.. it's like he thinks the whole world is intentionally in his way. It's not fun, in fact it can be down right miserable, nevertheless, I always let him drive everywhere because as bad as he is as a driver he is ten times worse as a back seat driver.

Well yesterday he took the worst of both and combined them by literally driving his car from the back seat. He rigged some pedal extensions and other junk to make it work, he was part drunk as usual and he thought that by sitting in the back seat, in the event that he got pulled over for drunk driving he could claim that he wasn't driving at all, he was merely sitting in the back seat. Yeah, that'd work.

As usual he was driving like a complete moron, swerving in and out of traffic, hitting parked cars, doing donuts in the road and carrying on like a total asshole, meanwhile I'm pleading with him to knock it the fuck off while scanning for cops. Every time I'd see a cop he'd turn the corner or ditch the cop in a back yard or old tunnel.

I'm not gonna drive with him anymore.

He convinced me to stop with him at a new fast food drive in place that everyone has been talking about. I don't see what the big deal is, it's the same fifties style diner we've all seen a million times the only difference I could see was that they installed urinals right out in the main eating area. Apparently this is very european and cool. I think the idea is total shit, especially if you happen to be sitting right next to one and you can feel the pee spray on your arm like I did. Not appetizing.

The place was filled with cops when we got there but halfway thru my burger they left and within minutes the place was crawling with criminals, real dirt bags, meth head hippie types of all sort swarmed in. My friend left his shit unattended with me as he went to pee in one of the special musical urinals with a long line way on the other side of the joint. The criminals could see this and seized upon the loot.

"Leave that shit alone, that belongs to a friend of mine asshole."

They ignored me and scattered with his stuff. I chased one out into the parking lot where I was able to dive and grab him by his baggy raver bell bottoms. He punched me in the face and threw me into a rage which landed him smack dab in the mayors office of beat down city. I punched his face to a pulp, I could feel his nose cartilage crumbling with each blow. Sure I probably over did it but he was also receiving the rage that should have been directed at my friend for making me go to that stupid hole in the first place and leaving me with his shit when I specifically told him not to. My victim's girlfriend jumped in and started pulling my hair so I pounded the shit out of her too and then I dumped the contents of her brand new Fendi bag, which was designed to look like a brain, out into the gutter.

"My Fendi, my Fendi, my Fendi.." She kept screaming over and over.

"That's the part of the brain that controls shopping." her friend joked from the sidelines as she pointed at the Fendi brain bag in the gutter. I thought it was a pretty clever thing to say in the middle of a parking lot brawl. I was attracted to her.

The cops finally came and one of the criminals who didn't really steal much of anything apologized profusely and reimbursed my friend for all the goods stolen by others, then he offered to pay me even though I beat the ever livin shit out of his pal and his girlfriend. He overdid the apologizing. He quickly became annoying.

He followed us to the party.

At the party I made steaks and rainbow trout, the overly apologetic gay dude asked me for cigarettes but I didn't have any, then he tried to reach into my pockets to see if I was lying and another fight broke out. Luckily the gay asian cop followed us to the party too and he shot the overly apologetic gay dude in the head.

Everyone was gay. What else is new.

I never trust people who are too good at apologies, it just means the have had a lot of practice from fucking up non-stop.

I kept looking for the joke teller chick but I couldn't find her so I masturbated instead. Even better.

Now These Legs:

Jenny & Megan - Jersey Legs

That's all for now.
Don't get caught slow motion punching in an actual brawl.
Your Gay Fresh Water Representative,
Rainbow Trout

Them Aintch Peaches, Pudding Pops For Whitey & Why Stand Up When Your Nose is Perfectly Ass Cracked - Right?

About picnic tables in the hot sun: Cram them up your butt. Ever heard of shade? You already know that I'll twist my balls off and put them on the table and do you really want to have your friends mistake them for a peaches again? I didn't think so. Last time just to be clear, If you make me sit at a hot table in the sun, the balls are coming off and they WILL be placed upon it. I know, but you apparently don't listen unless I tell you a billion times -- even then. Right? -- I said RIGHT!?

About digging ditches: Not as bad as it sounds, sure the work is back breaking, but the soil is cool on your skin, mud is fun and chances are that if you do happen to find yourself digging a ditch it is more than likely that you are an extra in a court/wedding drama/comedy movie of the week so Craft services is just over yonder which of course means PUDDING POPS! I suppose if you're an actual prisoner/best man for reals they probably keep the chain just short enough to keep the pudding pops just out of reach. Not my fault you were born mexican/douchey. Any mexicans/douchebags in the house? Rattle your handcuffs/rolex if you have a taco/dick in your mouth.

Oh yeah, good advice for being an extra in court/wedding movies; wear a fake beard and get paid twice. That's what I did.

About wacky cab drivers: I'm not going to tip you extra for wearing blue makeup, a wacky hat, funny gloves or a wig and I don't need you to sing. Being pleasant is all that is required, my name ain't P.T. Barnum so can the audition. I understand it's a tough business and it's really hard to get those extra tips and what not, but really, talk radio is fine. I'll ask the questions. I'm a good tipper anyway. Lemme hear my cabbies say HO.

About glass ceilings: how else are the people downstairs supposed to see up your skirt? Think before you speak. You sound like an idiot. Anybody?

About calling your sister fat: If that is what you have to do to draw attention away from your pork chop face, well I'm not gonna sit here and judge. Plus people love family fights. Also we like little tiny rooms filled with lots of people while we sit on chairs that place our face at exact ass level. Don't we people? Huh? --

About eliciting interaction from readers: STOP IT. Right? We hate interaction right? Stand up and be counted people. Get them noses out them cracks.

Now Gillian;

Gillian - Onion Rings, Macaroni & Cheese, Hash Browns, Ham & Cheese Omlete, Sourdough Toast, Chocolate Malt & a Coke @ Sparky's 3AM

That's all for now.
Don't get caught forgetting to put the silverware in it's right place.
Your Personal Scape Goat's Butt,
George W. Tush

Just One Donkey, Sharing The Suds & Erik Estrada's Boobs

None of this was in my day planner. I'm much better friends with her best friend with whom I have had various late night drunken slops in the mud and I'm not the type to try to pin the tail on every donkey in the barn, really I'm not, I'm honestly a one donkey per barn tail pinner. Weh, but we were in a hurry, we both needed to shower, so every finger on the green hand of pragmatism was pointing towards sharesville. Pragmatism is a good excuse for a lot of bad ideas.

I'd photographed her nude a number of times, but only when I was wearing pants, something about dropping your pants makes you see people in a whole new light. It's that extra eye I suppose. She wasn't as tan as I remembered and her body was quite a bit more curvy, both good things. Such a lovely wobble she had as she undressed and stepped into the shower.

But It was all business. We kept our distance, trading spots under the water in friendly intervals so that neither got a cold butt, but I don't think I need to explain what happens when a little bit of warm soapy skin accidentally brushes past a little bit of somebody else's warm soapy skin, so yeah, the business got a little earnest, we both took washing, rubbing, scrubbing, sponging, soaping and generally just getting our parts CLEAN quite seriously. I washed every speck of grime off of her whatchamacallits and she really did a number on my thingamabab with her howzitgo and the only reason my thingamabob was inflated was, duh, to make it easier to clean. There was nothing we couldn't tell our friend about. BUSINESS I tell ya. Just taking a shower. It won't be weird AT ALL next time we're all hanging out together.

BTW, did you see that Erik Estrada got a boob job? Yeah, they look pretty good, his face is too square though, he still looks too masculine, he almost looks like Brooke Shields. It was definitely a good move for him, his face is on the cover of every magazine stand on earth. Even my dad and all his friends were loitering checking out the pics.

My dad's friends all looked like stoners, they were all totally ignoring me too like they were too cool when really they look like a bunch of douchebags trying to act 20. They shouldn't be hanging out at the magazine rack at the mall talking about Erik Estradas "Cancer Bags". Not dignified. Not cool.

Come on Dad.

Now Cynthia;

Cynthia #1 - It Was Either The Cat or The Fan But The Fan is Unplugged, at Any Rate I'd Look Into It If I Was Her Cuz Floating Spike Heels = Danger & Sleeping In The Closet Doesn't Seem To Be Helping Unless That's What She's Going For

Cynthia #2 - It Was Either The Cat or The Fan But The Fan is Unplugged, at Any Rate I'd Look Into It If I Was Her Cuz Floating Spike Heels = Danger & Sleeping In The Closet Doesn't Seem To Be Helping Unless That's What She's Going For

Cynthia #3 - It Was Either The Cat or The Fan But The Fan is Unplugged, at Any Rate I'd Look Into It If I Was Her Cuz Floating Spike Heels = Danger & Sleeping In The Closet Doesn't Seem To Be Helping Unless That's What She's Going For

Cynthia - It Was Either The Cat or The Fan But The Fan is Unplugged, at Any Rate I'd Look Into It If I Was Her Cuz Floating Spike Heels = Danger & Sleeping In The Closet Doesn't Seem To Be Helping Unless That's What She's Going For

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