111 Things I Learned By Self Publishing 1111 Coffee Table Books of 111 Naked Girls on Sofas...Part One
1. People like naked girls on sofas.
7. Google knows everything there is to know about publishing but it will feed you all kinds of bullshit and recommend a veritable gift basket of pure dog crap until you really learn how to sweet talk it and figure out the cryptic language of overseas printing. Only then will it yield any of it's secrets.
11. No matter how many times your broker for a mainland chinese printer claims he has looked at your photos and can assure you that they can be printed in mainland china, he won't actually look at them until you have perfectly procrastinated and met his exact latest possible deadline so you can have your books by 1/11 and paid him a 15k deposit. Even though he has had links and pdfs to your naked girl pictures for MONTHS, it is only at this point he will look at them for the first time and tell you his Chinese printers can't print nudity and neither can his Indonesian printers even though he thinks at first that they can.
4. Brokers for Chinese printers are a major cause of heart attacks and must be avoided if you are hoping to print naked stuff and not have heart attacks.
23. Hong Kong has the best prices and highest quality for naked coffee table book printing, they just do, but most of them do their binding on the mainland who CAN'T BIND NAKED STUFF so 80% are not going to help you.
25. While it may seem that using an english speaking US based print broker would be better than contacting a Chinese speaking Hong Kong Based printer directly, 70% of what the english speaking broker says is bullshit and even though you can't understand 60% of what your Hong Kong printer is saying, at least it's only 10% bullshit, I think that's a like a 50% savings on bullshit or something. Math ain't my subject.
70. While providing a way for people to PRE-order and PRE-pay for your book online will certainly soothe the PRE-pain of your up front PRE-costs and even perhaps PRE-pay them entirely and then some, all that PRE-pain is likely to come flooding back in the form of heart attacks caused by varying degrees of PRE-bullshit that happens when things go PRE-screwy (PRE-haps) due to you not PRE-understanding 60% of what your printer told you plus his added 10% Chinese bullshit.
Now Compression:
That's all for now.
Don't get caught cursing the sky in fake chinese and then pretending that the ordeal was exhausting as an excuse to take a totally unneeded, unnecessary and unsatisfying break from something that's relaxing and enjoyable in the first place.
Your Fake Most Important Import Reporter
Ching Chong Long Ling Ling Long Bing Bong (chinese for Carl)
Stay tuned for parts 2 through 11
I have been thinking about kittens since 10:28 AM
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people pooping on parties
