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January 29, 2008

111 Things You Should Know About Your 111??? Book

Hello Great Person Who Spent $111 On 111 Naked Girls!,

Here are 111 things you should know about yourself and/or your 111??? book:

1. You are GREAT and have FANTASTIC TASTE! Here is your sideways medal --> o=

2. By Pre-Ordering your book, you have taken part in the future of publishing. High Five!

45. After some novice delays (my fault) your book is now PRINTED and REAL!

9. Your book is heavy, start lifting weights NOW!

73. Your book is bright and shiny, start picking out some nice sunglasses to wear.

74. Your book is now on a ship from Hong Kong! I like to imagine it's The Love Boat and Isaac is serving it drinks by the pool.

32. Your book will be in my San Francisco garage, right next to the motorcycle, in 3-4 weeks.

11. Your book will leave my garage and be sent to your coffee table in 3-4 weeks + 1-3 days!

19. When I said your book would be shipped on 1-11-08 I was WRONG because I'm new at this.

28. Your book taught me a few things about publishing and overseas printing in case you need tips!

98. You are a very patient customer and I want to hug you.

111. Your mom looks hot naked!

feel free to email me with any questions or jokes.

Now Amy:

Amy - SkyCam
Amy - SkyCam


BUY MY BOOK!
















That's all for now.
Don't get caught making it all up as you go.
Your Favorite Con Artists
Simon & Scheister

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

So obviously waiting for the books to arrive is taking up a lot of your time right now, but that doesn't mean you can drop the dreams.
My book will be a regular sea dog by the time it gets to me, having crossed the pacific twice. I hope it learns imaginative curses and sailor boy slang.

 

Blogger dorkie-she is a gaywad.

**giant blink**
Yeah don't try it, only I can get it right.

Haven't been here in a while. Need to add you to the new myspace page to.

Anyway, glad to see your still up to the good shit!

 

Blogger dorkie-she is a gaywad.

1. Will you post something new already?

2. Would you object to me posting my favorite Merkely??? post of the hour/day/week?

3. When I look at Amy Winehouse, I think of you. O.o

 

Blogger dorkie-she is a gaywad.

http://randumleefocusst.blogspot.com/2005/12/before-i-forget-my-top-10s.html

I have been diging around on my old blogs. . . found that.

See? I have thought you were kick ass for a long time. ..

**trying her damnedest not to look like a psycho stalker**

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i almost forgot that i used to give a shit about blogging regularly. what was i thinking?

nobody wants to read dreams -- i know i don't -- i just want to remember them which is why i write them. i remember better if i write something down.

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

i wish there were dreams to read

 

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January 13, 2008

111,111,111 Gigantic Thanks & 11 Sincere Apologies...

The 111??? show at 111 Minna last night was a success beyond anyone's most ridiculous expectations.

Who would have ever anticipated a line two blocks long 6 people deep? Someone said there hasn't been a line like that since the apple store debuted the iTurd. Someone from 111 said it was their biggest art opening in their 11 year history.

I'm not deluded, I know everyone came to see the naked ladies in my pictures SO ALL THANKS GOES TO THE FUCKING BAD ASS CHICKS IN THE PHOTOS.

But still, fucking cool. I'll take a little of the leftover love too if you don't mind.

Thanks to Everyone.

AND

111 apologies to Carolyn whose picture somehow got left out (which nearly made me cry like a gay) I found it lonely in the basement at 111 minna at the end of the night.

ALSO SORRY to everyone who didn't get in or didn't want to wait in line. Lines are total bullshit and I don't blame any of you who decided to go elsewhere (in fact i'm a little concerned about alls yalls that actually DID wait in line. What's WRONG with you?).

Anyway, the show is up for the rest of the month. If you'd like to see it and make fun of my beard and sunglasses to my face, hit me up and we can all go down there for a mellow round 2 or 3 or 11.

It doesn't suck hanging out amongst 111 naked girls you know.

If you don't LOVE San Francisco, it's YOU, not the city. This city is cool.

RAVE ON HOMOS!

Now Carolyn:

Carolyn - Sofa
Carolyn - Sofa


BUY MY BOOK!
















That's all for now.
Don't get caught not enjoying how things are for a few seconds
Your Halfway Grateful Ingrate
merkley???

Oh yeah, my flickr world did in fact receive it's 111,111,111th view at some point during the show last night. Is there a word for when stuff like that happens, besides WEIRD i mean?

Speaking of which, my BIGGEST thanks goes to all the fine people who invented and run FLICKR without whom none of this would have happened. YOU FLICKING RULE!

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger sweaty toes is a gaywad.

congratulations! when do i get my book man?

 

Blogger sweaty toes is a gaywad.

erase that previous message and this one except for the congrats it's just i bought it a loooong time ago and i've been waiting to look at naked ladies, email me when you get a chance or somethign sweatyhermit@gmail.com

and congratulations again!

i probably pre-ordered it or some shit didn't i?

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

if you bought the book already, they are shipping from asia this week, should be here in 2.5 weeks then shipped from here -- so mid FEB?

thanks

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yes, that was a "pre"-order, which i admit makes absolutely zero sense in english -- a pre-order would be the state before an order. i am sorry for sounding pre-smart.

 

Blogger sweaty toes is a gaywad.

ooooops i just uh looked back at the ordering page and yeah realized i must have "pre"-ordered it. garfunkle.

 

Anonymous iamhbomb is a gaywad.

The show *was* great (and will continue to be as long as it's up, of course). While seeing the pictures on a computer is great (thanks to Flickr), it's so much better in person. It really brings it to a different level.

H

 

Anonymous Senor Fantastico is a gaywad.

I came to that goddamn shit and the ass at the door told me "we're at capacity." I said, "capacity plus ONE, trick, cause my girl's on the wall in there."

Once inside I was disturbed at the number of pervs. I always assumed only cool people would be allowed to view the pics, but in fact there was a wide contingency of douchebags in attendance. As we approached the photos, they turned from the pic to my girl, realized it was her, and then started to leer.

I told them I was shaved Merkley and had them kicked out.Good times.

 

Anonymous Amelyar is a gaywad.

Glad lots more folks loves your work as much as I.
Sad I couldn't come along, would of loved to pull your beard and sit on your knee and pester you like a 9 yo with a crush who doesn't know how to tell.
Don't blame you for letting the glory of your queue go to your head, ego is good for the soul.
Hoping you start remembering & sharing dreams soon, I miss my regular squirt of absurdity.
Please remember to sign (or even better, dedicate!) my book before you post it. Us pre-order types forked over the bread and honey for just the idea of your book.
Faith in Merkley???, he's so real.

 

Blogger Jozee is a gaywad.

i think the word you're looking for is synchronicity... thanks for letting us know when to receive our copies. looking forward to seeing your handwriting. you are signing them - right?

Congrats on the great success of your launch. may you have 111,111 million more!

i just love word verif: fhxbcfjo

more proof that i'm human. ;-)

 

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January 11, 2008

Come See 111 Nude SF Ladies NEXT Friday (1-11) at 111 minna!!!

111???
Yes
111!!!
All of them Noood ('cept for their favorite shoes) on the sofa.
I made it into a Big Fat Book
so I'm having a Big Fat Party
and a Big Fat Gallery Show
with 
111 
Big Fat Photos
on
1-11
Next Big Fat 
FRIDAY
at
111 
MINNA GALLERY
So Big Fat BE THERE
You Big Fat Fuckers.

Here are 
11 
of 
111 
examples of who and what you will see and hear:
Jenny - Sofa
JENNY YOUNG
will be doing DJ th111ngs

So w111:
Chelsea - Sofa
CHELSEA STARR

&
Heather B. - Sofa
DJ HEATHER B.

&
Eva - Sofa
DJ ULTRAVIOLET

&
Marina - Sofa
DJ KOZEE

Parker - Sofa
PARKER DAY
will be Photographering

And all these ladies will be there being cute and whatnot.
Kelley Kate - Sofa
Kelley Kate

Rachael - Sofa
Rachael

Caitlin - Sofa
Caitlin

Erica - Sofa
Erica

Nicola - Sofa
Nicola

There are only 1111 copies of the book to be sold so if you haven't pre-ordered already, click here and do it.

Special prizes at:
 11:11
and 
1:11

Doors at 8pm



That's all for now.
Don't get caught using bullshit numerology to get 111 girls naked on a couch.
Your Favorite Second Cousin Twice Removed,
merkley???

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous sjm is a gaywad.

My goodness.

I have a cousin living in San Franciso so I'll send her.

All the best.

 

Anonymous lazyboy is a gaywad.

Congrats on the book Obi wan beardobi! I must say that I could take some allright pics with the subjects you use!!! BTW Nicola is a tiny bit delicious. Ova and out.

 

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The Punctuation Was a Perfectly Insulting Pantomime, The Coming Race War Wherein Freckleds Slay All & The Turd You Call Water

I auditioned for the main bad guy role in an upcoming Christmas special. The director really wanted me to have a smokers voice because smokers voices are good for bad people but I don't smoke so I just did a bunch of angry ragey arm wavy stuff and made a W out of my eyebrows. The director complimented me on my aggression and noted that I didn't belong in such a pansy assed town like SF and that I should consider moving to New York. I of course called him a pussy and told him that if he thought SF was so fucking pansy then why the fuck was he wearing a bike helmet and knee pads? He had no response so I flicked an imaginary cigarette butt at his head.

Out in the lobby I gave a little freckled kid a very inspirational and motivational speech about how to turn all the pain and anger caused by his freckles into a giant fuck off to the globe. He seemed to get it. Basically, for all you non freckled people out there I just have this to say: Keep it up FUCKFAGS, your day of reckoning is... --- yeah, you know.

Just after my speech a crocodile and cheetah both got loose. I found an escape route and forgot to tell anyone about it. I felt a little guilty. Nobody got eaten so that was a relief, sorta. The monkey squirrel thought he'd escape as well but he was easily captured because his pants were too big. DOUCHE.

I assumed the monkey squirrel was a he. I don't have a reason but all you monkey feminists should really just let it go.

Some wrangley lady tried to give me a glass of brown water when I was thirsty so I rewarded her with a ten minute lecture about how awesome SF water is. People love talking about regional tap water but watch out, the conversation heats up. Your tap water sucks, mine rules. See? You're all hot in the balls now.

Now Christina & Snortzle:

That's all for now.
Don't get caught tryin to join the NAAFP with your ten stupid moles, you ain't freckled, got it?
Your Least Favorite Freckled Role Model Hotness Wise,
Wendy

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger DirtyBitchSociety is a gaywad.

I got 111 freckles, all over. Do I qualify?

Hope you have a shit kickin' New Year, Merkley???

Hugz,

Babz Bitchin

 

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January 04, 2008

Scraping Dried Jizz Off The Walls, Spectacular Stunt Man Behavior in The Connecting Room & My Interrupted Naked Stroll To The Paint Store

I just got home from a quick little family vacation. We haven't done anything like that since Boy George. As usual we checked in to the shittiest motel we could find next to the military base. I quickly found my spot on the floor where i put my eyeball right next to the shag carpet so I could assess the bug situation. There were lots, but they didn't look bitey. Before you go and judge my family as white trash, I will have you know that we splurged and got the connecting room too. Not only that, but the CORNER room, well, we kinda got it, we had to wait for whoever was in there to get done with his hooker and then it was all ours. My family took off to do some sight seeing, I stayed behind to herd the bugs into the hole in the linoleum and scrape the jizz off the walls. I thought I heard the dude in the adjoining room finish up and leave. I placed my ear on the door and didn't hear anything so I opened the door and went in. way down t the end of the unusually long hallway, for a "connecting room" hall I could see that the former occupants left a bunch of crap, an old suitcase, some cassette tapes, a sandwich, you know, so as I walked down it I kept my ears unplugged and scanning for left over hooker noises just in case they were still there.

Just as I was about to unzip the suitcase I heard someone snoring in the other room. It startled the fuck out of me so I bailed as fast and as quietly as I could, literally running on a thin sheet of air as to not make a sound. When I got back into my room I did a flying floating leap into the air and glid, glided or glode into the armchair as if nothing ever happened.

I should be a stunt man.

No, seriously, I should be a stunt man.

Anyway, they didn't hear me or try to karate chop me or throw chinese throwing stars at me so I turned my attention to snooping through my families luggage. Most of it was boring except my dad had a pile of checks all made out to him for exactly $900 each. For a minute I thought he stole them from me. I have no idea why I thought that.

I fell asleep before they all returned.

I agree, that WAS a terrific story about my vacation. I thank me too.

Later back at home I decided to walk nude to Kelly Moore Paints down on the corner, you know, because sometimes a man just has to walk to the paint store nude. Don't act like you don't do the same thing.

All was going well until I saw one of my best friend's younger brothers pull into the paint store parking lot in his beat up japanese car from the early 90s. He looked like he was with a wife and kids. I didn't even know he was married. One thing was for sure, I didn't wanna stand around acting all polite and have to meet them all, not because I was nude, I just always try to avoid him if I see him first. And shit, who likes meeting people? Not ME.

So once again I did my silent air run outta there, 'cept this time my wang was slapping against my leg making a sound so I had to hold it. So just in case any of you saw it, I was holding it to make it quiet, not because I was ashamed.

I don't think my friend's brother saw me, but I think his kid did.

Lucky little fuck.

Now Chelsea:

Chelsea - Sofa
Chelsea - Sofa


BUY MY BOOK!
















That's all for now.
Don't get caught with your dick on the paint shaker.
Your Least Favorite Cast Member From All in The Family,
Gloria

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous noodle is a gaywad.

Your vacation sounds dodgy!
Next year you are coming to visit me, and I am gunna drive you around in my vintage truck and show you such a good time you won't even care about bugs!

 

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January 02, 2008

VW Camp Out in Shitsville USA, Frat Dudes Totally Wrecked a Perfectly Good Ghetto & Fuckin' Insecure Writers Made Me Wreck My Gammas Recipe Book

I drove to a crappy neighborhood to camp out in my old VW bug. I have the kind of bug where the whole front end tilts up like a hatchback so it's great for getting a lot of stinky crap neighborhood air. I very soon discovered that it's really hard to enjoy a nice camp out in the ghetto because there are just too many ghetto people around actin all ghettoey. I thought bringing the dogs along would be good for keeping some ghetto people away but no, the dogs just made the whole thing that much more aggravating because I kept worrying that they were gonna run off with some ghetto crackface.

Ghetto ghetto ghetto -- fun word man -- so fun.

Inneewayz, right as I was falling asleep I felt the car wiggle a little and I looked into the rear view mirror only to discover some mangy looking meth dickhead rifling through my engine compartment. I calmly made my way back there and stood next to him waiting to see how long it would take for him to notice that he had been busted.

"What ya doin there pal?" I asked.

"Oh just gettin me some parts off this old bug."

"Yeah? Don't you think the owner is gonna be pissed?"

"He shouldn't park here."

"What if he FUCKING WANTS TO CAMP HERE YOU FUCK!?"

"Whoa -- you're MERKLEY???!! What's up dude, I'm a HUGE FAN." He said, totally fucking up my rage.

"And this is my FUCKING CAR FUCKHEAD!"

"Whoa dude, sorry. So how many of them chicks you take pictures of do you bang n'shit?"

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE ASSHOLE!"

Suddenly the whole street was swarming with douchebag frat guys all wanting to talk to me about my "awesome beard" and asking me "how many of them chicks do you bang".

Frat dudes wrecked my ghetto camp out.

So I wandered over to a circus tent filled with rhinos to watch some lame idiot commit suicide. Nobody gave a fuck so that was good. Burning man is lame. For the billionth time.

When I got to the hotel where all the writers were staying I felt all competitive and smartassy. Some big newspaper interviewer guy maybe from Rolling Stone asked me what the secret was to writing a good story and I said:

"Tell the truth so good it sounds like a lie."

I really hadn't thought it through but by the looks of all the other writers they were pissed that I got interviewed and they didn't and even more pissed that a half decent non-cryptic sound bite flopped out of my mouth. Luckily I was dressed in hunting gear and had a bunch of my screw shaped bullets to keep them all at bay. I think I would have actually shot one of them, mostly to watch the bullet do it's slow motion screw action. Also to watch a writer die.

Anyway, I was acting all douchey, taking notes and overdoing it, mocking writers basically, but the joke was on me because my pen was leaking through about ten sheets of paper and it was my grandmother's old notebook with all her thoughts and recipes. I don't like wrecking my grammas shit. She can't make any more stuff on account of bein dead.

Now Kelley Kate:
That's all for now.
Don't get caught trying to trade 6 frat dudes for one 50 year old hooker with missing teeth.
Your Crappiest Day To Have a Birthday,
New Years, No, Christmas, No, It's a Tie.

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger T. is a gaywad.

Something I just love about the term "ghetto crackface." Has a real ring to it.

 

Blogger Squid Vicious is a gaywad.

So, how many of them chicks you photograph do you bang?

(Enquiring minds want to know...)

 

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