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February 26, 2008

Shrink-Wrapping 101, The Chicken Coop Stadium Old Timer Mexicans & Trendy Nursing Home Poseurs

I bought a big shrink-wrapping contraption to shrink-wrap my photos all toy store, bulk product style, if you went to my show you know what I'm talking about. Flawless shrink-wrapping is an art and once one begins getting the hang of it, one begins searching for bigger and bolder shrink-wrapping challenges. For instance, you have all seen the shrink-wrapped CD or pack of cards, this is rudimentary shrink-wrapping, a quadripple amputee could almost pull off this very basic type of shrink-wrapping. Just kidding, Quad Amps are useless. Anyway, point is: shrink-wrapping a more complex object such as... uh, hmmmn, let's say a useless quadripple amputee, presents a much much BIGGER challenge because although Quad Amps can't kick or punch, they are pretty adept squirmers and half decent biters. You get the idea. So, I tell you all this because just last night I shrunk-wrapped a huge pile of melting shredded cheddar cheese. Thats like brown belt level shrink-wrapping right there. FIND ME A QUAD AMP STAT!!! I am redd eee.

What else did I do yesterday?

Thanks for asking, yesterday I was also a contestant on a reality TV show. I didn't really know I was competing because they didn't tell us that, they like to keep lots of things secret, otherwise Flavor Flav would realize, well I'm not sure WHAT he would realize. I love Flavor Flav. ANYWAYZ, I ended up visiting a bunch of really super old mexicans living in the chicken coops under the Oakland Coliseum, I don't speak tons of spanish but I understand it because I know portuguese and spanish just sounds like how really dumb Brazilians speak portuguese and that's not even a joke. So these old mexicans went on and on about how much they LOVE living in the chicken coops because of an overwhelming spiritual desire to live with chickens. I was all:

"Whatever, chicken quesadilla I can see, but these living chickens need some head-lop-offery STAT!!!"

"STAT!!!" Stats:
2 visible occurrences so far,
1 imagined occurrence.

What else...
Oh yeah, when I was walking past the nursing home I decided to stop and take some pictures of all the old people through the front window, you know, because people really like looking at pictures of old people, it makes them feel REAL and sad. People LOVE being sad. Anyway, I'm a conspicuous documentarian to say the least and apparently all the old people were familiar with my "work" because as soon as they noticed me pointing my camera at them they all posed like frogs. I was all like:

"Uhhhh, thanks, but that frog pose is soooooo 2007"

Old people always do trendy stuff like way after it's not even cool anymore, but they are just fucking with you.

I don't know if I won the reality show contest, they made me sign a contract barring me from watching it, thinking about it, or talking about it until it airs, so basically if you tell them I said anything I will tell them you hacked into my blog STAT!!!

"STAT!!!" Stats:
3 visible occurrences,,
1 imagined occurrence,
1 non-sensical, non-comedic placement.

Now Sarah:

Sarah - Sofa
Sarah - Sofa


FLOG FLOG FLOG for my BOOK!!! (which arrives march 3rd 2007) FLOG FLOG...


That's all for now.
Don't get caught sayin there was only ONE unfunny usage of a word to trick everyone into thinking the other two were UPROARIOUS.
Your Least Favorite Thesaurus Result Under "Hilarious" That Makes You Think Of Itchy Balls ,
Jocular

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous francine is a gaywad.

i so wanted to order your book at the beginning of the year but i had just ordered a 3 book set of crispin glover books before i knew yours was coming out and his books had zero beautiful photos and i had to save money up again to buy your book. so now i am ready to order. again. excitement!

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i'll give you a discount since i have had your name next to the f word on my blog for a zillion weeks now.

 

Blogger francine is a gaywad.

that's generous but for your book, i'll still totally pay full price. i hope there are lots of cats jumping around in it in the foreground.

 

Blogger dorkie-she is a gaywad.

Have you sold all 111 copies?

Hugs,
D*S

 

Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

it's 1111 copies and there are still some left!

 

Blogger Chris is a gaywad.

I ordered your book and then today I remembered that it was supposed to exist, so I checked here and was glad to see an update.

Also, I'm probably going to mention you in an academic paper responding to Only Words by Catherine MacKinnon. I'm pretty sure she's wrong about most of what she says in that book.

 

Blogger dorkie-she is a gaywad.

Sweet!

Can I borrow $111?

I am broke but want to support the Merkley empire. And have a neat book that proves I have artsy fartsy taste.

hugs,
~*C

 

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February 22, 2008

Aluminum Foil = MASTERPIECE, My Spectacular One Man Sleep Show & Arizona's FUNNIEST Town

I went to a terrible art show yesterday, AGAIN.

News flash to art school students: tin foil is dumb, especially when you make robot costumes or space people costumes. Ok I'm just kidding, tin foil is THE BEST -- just kidding, it's dumb, 'cept when I use it then it's cool. Look, I don't wanna be Negative Ned, just maybe don't invite me to your art shows anymore because when I have to pretend I like your crap it fills me with self hatred and other kinds of hatred and some of it is the kind that might end with my toe in your tin foiled ball sack. Just kidding, you can invite me, I like making fun of you in my head. Just kidding ALL art is GREAT!!! Just kidding, yours really does suck. Seriously.

I'm so much like Simon.

In Utah there is a gas station in the upper avenues above downtown that was built from an old theater. The actual theater part was converted into a bedroom with the bed smack dab in the center of the enormous stage. I used to sleep there because I loved the applause when I woke up or turned over or told jokes in my sleep. You'd be surprised how many people came to watch me sleep, maybe they just needed gas, at any rate I was very very VERY popular when I was in Utah. Did I mention it was an indoor drive-in theater? Yeah, all the seats were removed, people used their headlights to light the show, which was me sleeping. I can sleep in bright light.

In other news, I did married people things with a girl that had a greatly detailed map of her home town of Yuma Arizona tattooed all over her body. At one point my wang totally wiped out the entire airport and I didn't even have to go through security checks. Terror wang for sure. BTW If you just made up your own obvious "twin towers" joke in your head just now it's obviously because you have never been to Yuma. One needs a good sense of Yuma if one wants to make funny jokes about it.

Now THERE'S a joke with POTENTIAL.

Don't forget to tip the waitresses!!!

Now Rachel:

That's all for now,
Don't get caught writing cool as ice ad campaigns for hot as turds desert towns and giving them away free on the internet.
Your Communist Vagina,
Jane Fonda

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

Can't I just move into your Occipital lobe?

 

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

you've never been do yuma.

 

Blogger David is a gaywad.

I don't know why, and should probably be scared of the answer but the pic of the girl stuffed in the oven really turns me on.

 

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February 21, 2008

My "I Have A Dream" Speech, The Oh So Lovable Urinal Puppets & MoonDriving Out of Mormonland USA

I ran into an old roommate/bandmate of mine, he also broke away from Mormonism but for whatever reason decided to stay in Utah. He has made quite a nice little life for himself and his little family up on the affluent east bench of SLC but it is obvious that he is perhaps a little too comfortable and looking for conflict where there needs be none.

"THE REPUBLICAN SENATOR HATES BLACK BABIES!!!..." he shouted while waving the local paper in his hands. "...AND THE MORMONS DON'T EVEN CARE AND NEITHER DOES THE MORMON CONTROLLED MEDIA!!! INSTITUTIONALIZED RACISM IN UTAH EVERYONE --- COME SEE!!!"

A crowd of fellow Utahns gathered around him and they shook their heads in disgust.

"Why I NEVER" they said as they testified about the truthfullness of Brad and Angelina adopting everything in site, in Africa and Korea and other brown places I mean.

I waited til they were all finished patting each other on the back before I climbed upon the stump at which time I gave the following short speech:

"Brothers and Sisters,.." I cleared my throat, "Bells about racism, when rung from the ivory towers of well to do white males, living atop the whitest hills of the whitest cities on earth, tend to ring with the colorless clang of guilt, the tinny tone of self righteousness and the empty echo of presumption." I patted myself on the back and climbed back down. "Thank you now go home."

Then I went off, trudging through the cold slush in my suede clogs, totally wrecking them, which was good because I have no idea where I got those shoes and I was only wearing them as a joke.

I arrived at my photo shoot and unloaded the urinal puppets from my suitcase. Of course the photo shoot was great, at one point I almost started believing that the urinal puppets could really talk and when we stopped using them it was like that time I saw Jim Henson take Kermit off of his arm letting him slump to the ground DEAD, Cept this wasn't a frog, it was a pee stained urinal with a purpleish salt pellet. BUT IT WAS STILL ADORABLE!

When it came time to drive back to SF the forward gears of my transmission were all fucked up so I had to drive the whole trip backwards and in reverse To add to the misery, my door wouldn't close and the wind kept catching it, nearly ripping it off it's hinges, not to mention the side effect of using up 10 gallons of gas for every 20 feet of travel. I tried to find some twine to fix it, but I was fresh out of twine.

It's kinda like I moonwalked out of Utah, people were waving as if I was just arriving.

Utahns, easily fooled by simple magic.

Now Rachel:

Rachel - Deitada
Rachel - Deitada


all your friends already ordered THEIR book COPY THEM!!!


That's all for now.
Don't get caught self-righteously calling people out on their self-righteousness
Your Favorite Smartest Most Awesomest Black Person Who Stands Up For Boob Eduaction of ALL TIME,
Tyra Banks

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger Ephemeron is a gaywad.

I thought they were called Utahrds, hehe.

 

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February 20, 2008

A Mormon Farmer Mom's Down's Syndrome Decor, More Pantsless Shoe Befuddlement at Bateman's Dairy & Sloshing Down Taqueria BLVD

I went over to my childhood best friends old house yesterday to reconnect with his family and what not. Over the years his mother, a hefty woman straight off the farm had taken up redecorating for whatever reason that causes women to move the furniture around every five seconds. Her taste was very unusual for an old mormon woman, she covered the walls with glowing drapery and had every hallway changed so that there were no right angles which made it very interesting to navigate. There is a good chance that her contractors had Down's syndrome. Stuff was jank city.

I was happy to see that even though they were growing old on the farm they were keeping up with the latest gadgetry. i was especially fond of the computer/microwave/chicken rotisserie. the bird inside made my stomach yell stuff.

Not sure exactly why I suddenly felt an urge to walk around naked in the old house but I'm not one to deny the spirit, I learned that in church. It was all fine and dandy, my old friends didn't give a shit about my free swinging balls but all the new kids were trying to bust me so then it took one million years to find my pants.

BTW, If I take my shoes off, I can guarantee they will find their way into a giant pile of shoes and someone will steal one of mine leaving me there trying to find the match while constantly weighing options such as just wearing one shoe home or revolutionizing the fashion world by wearing mismatched shoes. ZANY!

Later back near home a girl I once photographed who is also a photographer was pointing a knife at me and asking me how I do certain things in photoshop, then she tried to seduce me for answers. I made up a bunch of bullshit until one of my rockstar friends showed up and intimidated her into silence.

Oh yeah, if you haven't been down to the new Taqueria blvd the city has been pushing off on to tourists, you really should cause it ain't gonna last long. First of all the lines at the taquerias are way too long with way too many yuppies and idiots wearing Uggz and the actual all you can eat serve yourself hot taco/nacho bar they installed AT GROUND LEVEL into the left part of the sidewalk, while SUPER AWESOME TO BEHOLD, is very easy to not notice causing you to step in the refried beans and rice and pork and chicken etc.. I was only there for ten minutes and I saw at least 20 people step in the taco bar condiments. Shame really. I nearly cried. Not really.

Also, you should drive your go kart down there if you go because that's what I did and it's always a good idea to copy me. Scrape your wheels along the curb for maximum sparks!

Now Rachel:

Rachel - SkyCam
Rachel - SkyCam


ALLOW ME TO REMIND YOU THAT I HAVE A BOOK FOR SALE


That's all for now.
Don't get caught dumping beans out of your sneakers.
Your Least Favorite Nacho Topping,
Mike Huckabee

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February 19, 2008

Fixing My Fence My Ass, Severed Legs With Bad Shoes & A Very Strong Moral To An Unfinished Story

I went to check out a ruckus out in the back yard. Two of my step brothers were back there digging around and whispering orders to each other.

"What are you guys doing?" I asked.

"Ummm, fixing your fence."

"How is digging around in a trash pile "fixing my fence"?"

I could see that they were annoyed with my question. They aren't the two brightest humans in the world. The older one, nice as he was as a kid, was always in special education classes and was considered to be a slow learner. The younger one was caught jacking off the family dog which explained why the dog liked him best. True story.

Anyway, there was something definitely going on with these two. There was no way they were just back there fixing my fence.

But I had other things to worry about.

My younger alcoholic brother showed up wasted on my scooter. I knew it was mine even though he had chopped it up and painted it it white (it was blue).

"Why are the cops in your back yard?" he asked as he took a long pee on a bush.

"They aren't, that's the The Doofus Twins, they claim to be fixing my fence, but they are up to something.

"No , I saw The Doofus Twins on the way in, they are in the middle yard playing with garbage. The cops are definitely in your back yard."

He was right. I went back there and there were cops and forensics experts calmly undigging the holes The Doofus Twins had made. One forensic guy was pulling out a severed leg with a bad shoe from a hole, another a hand with a dumb ring, still another was sliding an ear with an awful earring into a baggie.

I never knew the step brothers to be killers but you never know what people are gonna do when they serve the ultra short stack of pancakes for breakfast if you catch my drift.

Knowing that the "probable" killers, my step brothers, were just inside the house made me nervous. I considered telling the cops they were in there and that I had seen them digging around, but then I remembered that The Doofus Twins always traveled with big bags of pot and crystal meth and I didn't wanna get busted for having drugs in the house even though they weren't mine.

I went to the middle yard where I found The Doofus Twins yet again shoveling around in the dirt, dumping out bags of trash into a heap. This time I could clearly see a big stupid Lakers Nike tennis shoe attached to a leg sticking out of the garbage, the kind of shoe that was ironically cool like MAYBE in 1999, but for craps sake, by the time the shoe companies start re-issuing old designs to capitalize on "vintage" trends, fucking Keanu Reeves is rocking that shit and we all know what that means.

Well maybe YOU don't but ! do. You're probably wearing dumb shoes too.

"You guys have any idea why the cops are in the back yard undigging your treasures?"

I kept a friendly smile on my face, lord knows I didn't wanna be on the mean side of a couple of murderous retards.

"Umm, nope."

Right then a cop carrying a leg with another crap shoe on it walked past us in the hallway, apparently completely unaware that the probable killers were standing right there with shovels and garbage in hand burying yet another corpse.

It'd be cool if this story had an awesome gun fight or something at the end, maybe it did, I didn't stick around to see what else happened.

Why would I? Knowing my step brothers well enough as I did, I'm sure the poor fellas who ended up getting chopped up weren't the best and brightest anyway.

I could tell that just from their dumb shoes on the ends of their stupid severed legs.

You can tell a lot about a person by the shoes they wear.

They deserved it -- at least a little.

Now Amy:

Amy - Deitada
Amy - Deitada



DID YOU BUY THE BOOK???


That's all for now.
Don't get caught worrying that your doofy step brothers will google you then find you and chop you up.
Your Step Dad's Saggy Pants,
John McCain

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Proof That Will Ferrell Is a FAKE Idiot Savant, Making an Incompetent Talk To My Hand & Feeling Bad For a Boob Groping Fat Guy Wrecked My Boner

I got into a long discussion with Will Ferrell about every topic imaginable. He was very well versed and knowledgeable in kind of a RainMan way. He never came out and told me that he was an idiot savant, I mean who does, but I was really getting that impression so I switched up the game and started spewing out made up facts and phony research and he totally went along with it all like he had the exact same info. This went on for many moons. Busted. BTW, IDIOT is the key word, savant my ass. Will Ferrell reminds me of a burrito mixed with sasquatch. I like him.

Someone from my old band drove by in a car and I flipped him off. He spun the car around and acted shocked then I lectured him on the finer points of haterism as I waved my arms around like a teenage negro girl on Maury. I hate incompetence. He was the hater, not me, in this little story.

I went to visit a girl with whom I used to "make out" to maybe revisit the "make out" part, but when I got there her roommate was way more interesting so I "made out" with her instead. The original girl tried to make me jealous by "making out" with some fat dude but it didn't work but it kinda made me feel bad for the fat dude even though there are worse things than being used and manipulated if the end result is that you are grabbing boobs in front of company. I think he really liked her. Poor fat guy.

Now JeniLuv & Amy:

That's all for now.
Don't get caught making fun of the way black teenage girls make points in order to make a point.
Your Favorite Teenage Black Girl,
Montel

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February 18, 2008

Filthy White Doves, Please Let Me Pee in Peace & The Secret To Driving an Oval Wheeled Race Car

I came across a whole huge flock of white doves as I was walking down the street yesterday and everyone around me was oooohing and awing and I was all

"Shut up you idiots, they are no different than fucking pigeons and you all HATE pigeons."

Then I ran towards the flock to scare them away because people were bugging the fuck out of me with their over done reactions and wouldn't you know, just as I started shooing them off, the white doves all flew right down into the sewer proving my point.

The thing is, I don't even dislike pigeons or white doves, I really have no preference. I should have chased all those idiot people into the sewer instead.

I tend to misdirect my fake rage sometimes.

After all that I really needed to pee but I couldn't find a bathroom for a billion years and finally when I DID find one it was one of those performance bathrooms where they have an entire cabaret of transvestites performing on a little tile stage above the urinal banks making it very difficult to concentrate on just peeing because they are kicking their hairy legs inches from your head and winking at you to get tips. LIKE I NEED A FUCKING SHOW WHEN I PEE!!!

The gays LOVE bathrooms.

Anyway, later on I placed third in the oval wheeled car race through the skinny mountain paths on the other side of the golden gate bridge. BTW the Key to driving a race car with oval wheels is to get all the wheels aligned properly so that they are all rotating as a unit thus creating more bounce than wobble. If you can get them just right the car is literally hopping, errr LEAPING down the trail. Notice that I didn't say BUNNY trail because I knew you'd think it anyway because you are like 4 years old.

Grow up.

Now Errol:
That's all for now.
Don't get caught drawing parallels between the preference of white doves over pigeons with the NAACP and republicans.
Your Favorite Urinal Attendant/Show"girl"
Barrack Obama

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Blogger dorkie-she is a gaywad.

1. Eerol is yummy. And I ain't just talking 'bout his fruit either. . .

2. I found that taking a good can of Raid will chase of any unwanted gays.

3. Yeah, I did think bunny trail. . . But only because I figured you would say it.

<3

 

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February 14, 2008

How I Fucked Up My Antiques Roadshow Championship, Trying To Get Kramer to Call Prince The N Word & The Theater Robot Jealous of My Seat

I went on The Antiques Road-show yesterday. I took in the moldy bottom shelf from my fridge. They told me it was only worth $400 bucks on a good day at auction because I drew a cartoon penis in the black sludge with my wiener otherwise it would have been worth $17,000.00 dollars because the original mold spore was from a native Navajo's stinky moccasin way back before Columbus came with all his white people pox.

So yeah, watch PBS tonight -- make sure to look real close at my pants. I had a huge boner the whole time.

Anyway, after that I went to Kramer's house and got into a huge argument with him about Prince, basically I was just trying to get him yelling about niggers because come on, calling Prince a nigger would be like calling Barbara Bush a whore, both of course would be fun, especially if Jerry Seinfeld was hi fiving him non-stop. Kramer never called Prnce a nigger but I did make him laugh by pointing out that Prince and Oprah have the exact same wardrobe and hairdo always.

Later at the movies I sat on a trash can lid and slid all around the theater, people acted bummed that I was making so much noise but really they were just jealous they didn't have a trash can lid for a seat. When the theater owner came in and appealed to me to, at the very least, scoot into one of the rows of seats, I Jedi mind tricked him by lecturing about how much more effective he would be as a leader if he could grasp rhyming and rhythm. I was snapping my finger one inch from his eyeball and the dude never flinched. Probably a robot.

Now Sylvia:

That's all for now.
Don't get caught thinking how similar your pastrami sandwich is to the weehoo of the nice girl with whom you are having lunch.
Your Senile Grampa's Fantasy Date,
Hillary Clinton

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous molly is a gaywad.

...and not a moment too soon!
Things were getting to the point where I was thinking of remembering my own dreams.
I don't believe you about Sylvia tho, it looks like she is holding boy toys, not a nutcracker. How's the cow with green eyes? Looks like it lost a leg to the sausage factory.
Shame I'll never get PBS, cause I'd love to watch your boner, even in trousers.

 

Blogger dorkie-she is a gaywad.

Prince is a nigger. . .

**giggle**

 

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