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April 30, 2008

74 Things I Learned About Being Mentioned In The New York Times

1. The New York Times doesn't link to boobs :( FUCKERS!

7. The New York Times doesn't generate mad hits on my websites. LOSERS!

18. The New York Times thinks I "might have amounted to nothing in analog times." Probably true but still... BASTARDS!

42. The New York Times round aboutly compared me to a "failed filmmaker." WELL I NEVER!

51. The New York Times slices the pie like this: 9 slices for Guoleifsdottir, 2 slices for merkley. JERKS!

60. The New York Times doesn't like the three question marks that take up the last three spots of my name. RACISTS!

72. The New York Times is not perused by any members of my family or close friends. RETARDS!

73. The New York Times asks Thomas Hawk what he thinks. KNOWITALL!

12. The New York Times mentions Vikram Chatwal (pictured above) WAY more than me.

74. "The New York Times" dropped into various conversations with any human, dog or reflective surface who will listen along with "yeah they mentioned me in this ginormous article about radness..." makes you sound like a dick.



Now Vikram Chatwal:
BTW I Took That picture of Vikram for India's equivalent to People Magazine but they hated it and didn't use it.

Vikram in NYTimes
Vikram Chatwal Wikipedia

75. The New York Times Forgot to mention my BOOK!!! ASSHOLES!

That's all for now.
Don't get caught yelling "I WAS MENTIONED IN THE NEW YORK TIMES!!" at a bunch of kids on the swings.
Your Favorite Thing To Yell Into The Toaster,

Blogger poopee shmoopee is a gaywad.

that picture is dagnabbitly AMAZING!!!!!!!! as are you (as if you didn't know that already!).


Blogger 5chw4r7z is a gaywad.

All they talked about were your flickr pictures, they could have mentioned your godlike batshit crazy blog!


Blogger dorkie-she is a gaywad.

Holy fucking shit, batman!! That is hella cool!

Too bad the NY Times employ a bunch of tools. . . They so don't know you, love.



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April 22, 2008

111 Things I Learned By Self Publishing 1111 Coffee Table Books of 111 Naked Girls on Sofas...Part One

1. People like naked girls on sofas.

7. Google knows everything there is to know about publishing but it will feed you all kinds of bullshit and recommend a veritable gift basket of pure dog crap until you really learn how to sweet talk it and figure out the cryptic language of overseas printing. Only then will it yield any of it's secrets.

11. No matter how many times your broker for a mainland chinese printer claims he has looked at your photos and can assure you that they can be printed in mainland china, he won't actually look at them until you have perfectly procrastinated and met his exact latest possible deadline so you can have your books by 1/11 and paid him a 15k deposit. Even though he has had links and pdfs to your naked girl pictures for MONTHS, it is only at this point he will look at them for the first time and tell you his Chinese printers can't print nudity and neither can his Indonesian printers even though he thinks at first that they can.

4. Brokers for Chinese printers are a major cause of heart attacks and must be avoided if you are hoping to print naked stuff and not have heart attacks.

23. Hong Kong has the best prices and highest quality for naked coffee table book printing, they just do, but most of them do their binding on the mainland who CAN'T BIND NAKED STUFF so 80% are not going to help you.

25. While it may seem that using an english speaking US based print broker would be better than contacting a Chinese speaking Hong Kong Based printer directly, 70% of what the english speaking broker says is bullshit and even though you can't understand 60% of what your Hong Kong printer is saying, at least it's only 10% bullshit, I think that's a like a 50% savings on bullshit or something. Math ain't my subject.

70. While providing a way for people to PRE-order and PRE-pay for your book online will certainly soothe the PRE-pain of your up front PRE-costs and even perhaps PRE-pay them entirely and then some, all that PRE-pain is likely to come flooding back in the form of heart attacks caused by varying degrees of PRE-bullshit that happens when things go PRE-screwy (PRE-haps) due to you not PRE-understanding 60% of what your printer told you plus his added 10% Chinese bullshit.

Now Compression:

That's all for now.
Don't get caught cursing the sky in fake chinese and then pretending that the ordeal was exhausting as an excuse to take a totally unneeded, unnecessary and unsatisfying break from something that's relaxing and enjoyable in the first place.
Your Fake Most Important Import Reporter
Ching Chong Long Ling Ling Long Bing Bong (chinese for Carl)

Stay tuned for parts 2 through 11

Anonymous taran is a gaywad.


boo-fucking-hoo, since when does bullshit semi-numerological bullet-numbering of your litany of complaints equal... well, those are some good points, I haven't the experience to speak against... shit.

As you promised, I received the book today. It is a wonder! The several people who've entered my abode since its arrival have been drawn in... I like it too. Dude you fucking, like, something, artist you.


Anonymous Ossey Fan is a gaywad.

I am glad you are on my Mail RSS so I knew when you'd finally written something new. It would of been a drag coming back to check for the 6 weeks or so you were offline.
Your Chinese publisher sounds like a drag, I had something like that once with an exhibition opening leaflet. The lady had made 100 copies before she realised they were rude and told me she didn't like to handle such images.
Luckily I do like to handle such images and have enjoyed your book immensely. It is on my bedside, rather than coffee table. I really dig the drink/foodstuffs props, they seem to suit the chick in each pic. Did you add them later, or were they provided by the lady with her gear off?


Blogger francine is a gaywad.

good god they are lucky the olympics in china are no longer performed totally naked. i still need to order a book am i totally screwed by my procrastination? i hope not! it's like my dream to have it on my coffee table and a page torn out and taped in my rear view window next to garfield. seriously, i can still order right?


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

yeah you can sti.l order one. HURRY FRANCINE HURRY


Blogger dorkie-she is a gaywad.

Sweet Jebus it's about time.

Merkles- Myspace is gay. Blogger is. . . blogger is honey.

Blog more, be gay less.
Rinse and repeat.



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