Adam Sandlers Sermon Was a Pain in My Neck, Milfies Kid Was Biting My Moves & Family Bone Evening

I went to church yesterday and wouldn't you know everyone was all politics this and politics that and I was all

"NO MORE POLITICS. THIS IS CHURCH YOU IDIOTS!"

Of course I knew that church is always about politics but also I was there not to learn about Jesus but instead make jokes and do a little work for good old satan planting those seeds of doubt. I'm a good person, that's why.

Anyway Adam Sandler gave a half decent sermon in a bunch of wacky voices. My neck started hurting from looking to the left so much due to some genius designing the church with sideways rows as if it's a good idea to be facing the other half of the ugly ass church goers sitting on the other side. Leave that type of seating to gymnasiums NumbNuts.

Oh yeah, my old best friend from growin' up had box seats and he was tryin' really hard to be funny but NOPE, not funny.

Later on I was having sex with this MILF from church when I noticed her kid was watching. I tried to turn away and block his view with some magazines but he was intent on watching me bang his mom.

Then he tried to copy my moves. That wasn't gonna fly.

"Oh it's ok" she said, "We have a really open household."

She wasn't lying, the whole front of the house was missing and it wasn't long before the whole neighborhood was watching us do it and all of them were copying my moves too. BE ORIGINAL PEOPLE.

"I'm not into this public sex stuff." I said.

"We'll let's find a new place then."

Then MILFY, her kids and I all went hunting for a good private place to have sex. I mean for me and the MILF to have sex, not the kids, they don't get to have sex, they just watch. Pervy bastards.

I'm not calling her back next time she texts. She was desperate anyway. Bleh.

Now Cyan:

Cyan - Enjoys a Beverage In The Server Room While Engaged in Some Sort of Energy Swap With a Dill Pickle as a Black Cat Phlegmatically Monitors at Least 3 Futile Displays Involving 1 Maverick Hand, 1 Haunted Can Opener & 1 Can of Pabst Blue Ribbon

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That's all for now.
Don't get caught changin up your game to fake'em out.
Your Favorite Place To Bone a MILF,
The Garage

The Typewriter Walkman Cubicle Bike, The Grinning Carrot Zipper Crevice & Betting on Jailhouse Shrink-to-Fit

You've all heard me pee on burning man a billion times already so I won't get into a rant here but you know, living in SF, whether you like it or not, you're gonna end up having a friend with a curly mustache and a tall bike and he's gonna have a girlfriend who still thinks tall silver boots and fur pants are AWESOME so what I suggest you do is every once in a while play along and make a musical keyboard out of an old typewriter and a pile of walkmans. Chances are you actually have an ounce of taste and can do it better than anything THEY do. Anyway, that's what I did yesterday. I also made a bike out of an office cubicle ALSO FOR THEM. Bad Burning Man Antic City.

While on my way to my best friend from childhood's house I discovered a ditch filled with sideways carrots, meaning the carrots were sicking out into the ditch like a big long orangetooth smile -- or maybe a zipper. I'm going to patent the carrot zipper so don't go trying to make a billion dollars just yet PAL.

I turned my back guest room into a jail so now all kinds of hoodlums go back there to gamble but it doesn't bother me because I have totally been preoccupied with finding the perfect shrink to fit suit. I just like feeling it shrink, I could probably get the same sensation if I wore pantyhose head to toe. I'm gonna go try that. Just kidding, what do you think I am, YOU? Yeah right, I'd sooner wear pantyhose head to toe.

Now Jenny F:

Jenny F - Unwittingly Stands Target To a Crevice Creeping Squirtgunner as an Indiscreet Chainsaw Smitten Tabby Is Caught Mid-Squirm, a Horny Melon is Busted Probs Porning Out On Some Internet Cantaloupes & an Ill-Bread Sandwich Lewdly Spreads It's Meat

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That's all for now.
Don't get caught wearing pantyhose head to toe.
Your Non-Pantyhose Head To Toe Wearer,
Not That Pink Unicycle Dude

How Martha Stewart Feels 24/7, Much Ado About Thread Count & The Saucy Hypocrisy of Fetus Meatballs

One of my old roommates moved back in and very quickly decided to repaint the entry way which sent me into a rage more powerful than all the peppers in mexico. Why do I let my old roommates move back in? I DON'T THEY JUST DO IT UNTIL I FIND OUT AND CHOP THEIR HEADS OFF! Biggest mammas boy on the planet that one was.

I moved my bed to the park and one of my girl friends joined me but we couldn't sleep very well because everybody kept messing with my news sheets. Had I known the sheets would cause such a stir I would have just left on the old ones. People go NUTS for high thread count. STAY BACK ASSHOLES!

I'd also like to go on record that I actually tried to do something about the barbaric sandwich situation at the park. I tried to tell anyone who'd listen that the yummy sandwiches they devoured actually contained living puppies and newborn premature infants but apparently deliciousness is far more important than the sanctity of cuteness. I had to chase down and tackle at least 5 different cops while holding an armful of sauce covered squirming fetuses I'd rescued from sandwiches before anyone would even give one second of attention to the horror they called lunch.

Fuckin San Francisco man, It's like fetuses are meatballs around here.

Now Heather B:

Heather B - SkyCam

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That's all for now.
Don't get caught taking a nibble just to see what all the hype was about.
Your Least Likely Liberator of Lunch,
The Holy Ghost

Cartoon Riots In Oakland, "Vow To Kill Me" Pfff, Yeah Right & More Cartoon Riots in Oakland

I flew to Oakland yesterday, I call it JOKEland or Brokeland or Croakland because I'm good with words. I didn't wear a coat or pants fro the flight so the wind was pretty cold on my wang. I had an adopted miracle baby riding along on my back just for the hell of it, never quite figured out what the "miracle" was but he seemed to be a well behaved little fella. Guess I should mention we weren't in a plane. I told you I know how to fly right? Well I do, I'll give you a ride one day if you stop acting so entitled.

Of course yesterday in Oakland was Cartoon Takeover Day I'm sure you read all about it elsewhere. I was really good at avoiding being touched by The Cartoons because, as you know, that is how they turn you into a Cartoon too. I don't think it would be all that bad to be a Cartoon but since I'm no gambler and I like being a non-cartoon why chance it. Having only three fat fingers seems like it would be pretty gay.

As everyone divided into tribes according to their own cartoonness or non-cartoonness I went on to the stadium and looked around for the key, which of course I found lickety split under a bleacher in a slurpee cup. I really wanted to meet the owner of the stadium so I had a mutual aquaintence introduce us. Turns out he's a hot headed wall eyed drug dealer on the run and for some reason he was convinced I was a cop so he vowed to kill me which was a little bothersome so I hopped into the back seat of an awaiting town car and flipped him off through the rear window as he chased behind me running like a doofus all handcuffed n'shit. HA - DICK!

Anyway, so back at the stadium we all waited for The Cartoons to show up, paint thinner and giant erasers in hand, you know ambush style, everyone was pretty tense but convinced that we had the upper hand and it would be all cancelsville for The Cartoons, but then the stadium itself turned into a big undulating cartoon comprised entirely of really colorful cartoon worms and the rest is too stupid and widely available on the internet to bather getting into here. Pick up a newspaper for once.

I swear I don't take drugs.

Now Heather B:

Heather B - Cross Legged On The Dirty Hallway Carpet Half Pretend Listening to a Sell Out Hook Billed Hump Back Fish as a Caterpillar Inspects What Might Be The Ass End of an Attractive Cheese Puff Just Across The Border On The Linoleum In Kitchenville

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That's all for now.
Don't get caught contemplating the eraser qualities of the tip of your weehoo.
Your Very Favorite Topic Last Week,
Gas Prices

The Uncomfortable Gay Elderly Childrens Dace Contest, Bad Vibing The Boner Guy & Dealing With Thuggy Negroes That Was Sellin My Junk

I went to a very uncomfortable elderly gay dance contest in which the contestants were fully developed pre-teens and other assorted mutants. Apparently if you are elderly and gay it's ok to look at naked kids so long as they have huge boobs and/or long penises. OK I guess that's not very fair of me to say that, for all I know they were old people who were just really short and had childlike proportions/demeanors etc... Anyway, none of it was very exciting, I think that's another factor they consider with child pornography laws, you know, keep it really boring and they'll just say its art, I believe that's the number one requirement for getting an art grant too. Makes sense. Anyway, the show had many layers of leather and fur and there was also a lizard headed hairstylist. Whopdeedoo.

After I went with some rockstar friends and well known a native tomato slicer to another bar that was full of beds. A really tall girl climbed into my bed with me and we fooled around while bad vibing some random dude with a boner away the hell from us and onto another bed with another one of those tiny naked old people or fully developed kids that I mentioned earlier

On my way home we stopped at a yard sale type deal underneath a freeway overpass. I soon discovered that all the merchandise were my own personal belongings, including my leather jacket collection and my brand new sheets that had apparently been stolen. I went to discuss this fact with the people running the show who turnned out being these gigantic thuggy negro fellas who weren't too overly concerned with my grumblings so I did the reasonable thing and I lit the whole place on fire. I only felt a little bit sorry for them as they burned. Come to think of it I probably could have figured out a way to get back at them without burning all my own stuff but hey remember the LA riots and how they burned their own neighborhoods? Maybe I got the idea from that. OJ Killed those people on my birthday you know. Ask My shrink. HAHA you CAN'T CUZ I DON'T HAVE ONE. Don't YOU feel stupid.

Now Jenny, JeniLuv, Amy & Alexia;

JeniLuv - Oblivious to The Impending Party Crash By Skunk, Toilet Paper and Left Poking Weiner, She Parties With West Side Jenny, Amy, Alexia and a Satisfying Snickers While Sipping Bacardi Like it's Her Birthday

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENILUV!

That's all for now.
Don't get caught starting race riots on the blog.
Your Favorite Unknown Immigrant Tomato Slicer,
Morgan Freeman