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November 11, 2008

My Mother's London Based Daniel Boone Wedding Reception Center, The Burglar Who Looked Sharp In My Stolen Suit & Pilots are Stuck UP

My mom is now running a wedding reception center in London. It's the same place where a big rockstar friend got married and I had to spend her whole wedding day in her bridal chambers documenting it all.

Too much estrogen. My balls shrank to microscopic levels.

My mom didn't own it then, nor did she own it when I got married there way back when. She has become quite an avid art collector having commissioned a whole room of paintings that looked like old Daniel Boone postcards. In each painting there were at least three bearded men, one of which was an obvious likeness of me. At first glance you'd think I'd be flattered, but that's just because you don't know my mom. Those painting are her way of trying to explain to the world that there are famous men with beards, it's the only way she can deal with her shame, you know, by trying to validate my existence though the accomplishments of beard-os past.

Ew, marriage. Why do the gays want it so much? It's as if they are demanding entrance to a leper colony, you know, just cuz it's exclusive.

Equality does require equal stupidity I suppose.

Speaking of gays, I don't know why I always feel so compelled to drag some gays out of the closet. I get really annoyed with closet gays. They aren't helping anything. I called out half my Mormon mom's staff.

And then we got robbed. One of the robbers was wearing one of my favorite suits. Guess he stole it. I would have been pissed but I have to admit he did look sharp.

Anyway, I snuck out of the robbery and made my way to the old wedding breakfast nook where I snacked on fish, hot dogs, trail mix and donuts.

At the airport coming home I ran into one of my best friends from high school. Apparently I did something to make him think I'm an asshole because he had no interest in talking to me and was obviously pissed. Or maybe that's just they way pilots act.

Nevertheless my feelings were hurt.

Glad to be back from London.

Point is:
You gotta fight 4 your right 2 B RETAAAARRRDED!

Now Natalie:

Natalie - Sofa
Natalie - Sofa

In celebration of todays date 11/11, I will be giving the next 11 People who buy my book a randomly selected signed limited edition 18x24 print of one of the girls in the book. It will be a complete surprise which one you will receive. I'll even pay shipping for the print. The prints sold at the show for $111 bucks each so it's totes like a 2fer.

That's all for now,
Don't get caught doing a Naked Lady Sale on Vetrans Day.
Your Assistant Manager In Charge of So Much Important Stuff You Can't Even Believe It,
Your Name Here

Blogger francine is a gaywad.

grizzly adams had a beard.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

are you saying daniel boone didn't? he was an effing lumber jack, it's part of the uniform.

in other news, i always thought johnny appleseed and daniel boone were the same dude, no idea why.


Blogger Kris is a gaywad.

They were brothers.

No one talks about it.


Blogger francine is a gaywad.

because i grew up in texas (san antonio, specifically), i thought davy crockett, daniel boone and sam houston (and probably pecos bill, paul bunyan and johnny appleseed), all fought at the alamo. that's also probably because history teachers in texas just add in every folk hero and say they were at the alamo.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i think it's cuz they all wore plaid shirts.

kurt cobain was tryin to edge in.


Blogger francine is a gaywad.

little known fact: kurt cobain was killed by santa ana.


Blogger Jenny, the Bloggess is a gaywad.

My dad has a beard. Then again, he also wears indian clothes and is a professional taxidermist. We live in Texas though so he doesn't stick out.


Anonymous jadeeey is a gaywad.

you were in London!!!? meh.


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November 10, 2008

Wanna Hear Me Do Woody Allen? No? Extreme Garage Door Makeover: Jet Engine TV Edition & The Creepy Sleepwalker Chick

Found out that falling asleep during a Woody Allen movie results in the ability to do a perfect impression. Too bad the only person entertained by a perfect Woody Allen impression is an old roommate who I hope I never see again.

I was trying to sleep but I could hear the sound of a TV coming from below my bed. Nobody lives below my bed, that's where the garage is. When I went to investigate, I discovered that someone had installed an entertainment center into my garage door. Must have been one of those garage door makeover shows because they actually did a pretty good job, the final result looked a bit like a jet engine covered in old bakelite wall receptacles.

They also installed a very powerful fan. Not necessary.

While I was down there I noticed that I have terrible noise leakage, if you were to stand below my window you would probably be able to hear me farting in my sleep, and I'm NOT a loud sleep farter.

Time to break out the can of expanding foam.

BTW how cool is that shit?, Also, why not just combine it with aerosol cheese?

Hello instant massive cheese puffs.

Hello a billion dollars.

Later on when I was trying to sleep, a really creepy girl wandered in to my room totally sleep walking. She was a complete stranger and other than totally giving me the standard sleep walker willies, she didn't seem to mean any harm so I didn't try to wake her up. I gently guided her to the front door and sent her on her sleepwalky way.

This whole city is basically sleepwalking anyway.

Don't judge.

Point is:
I'm the Potential Willi Wonka of SAVORY Snacks

Now Natalie:

Here is some video proof, aided by Frederick Van, that I can and DO sometimes turn off my normally very Barry Whiteish voice as to be more like a commoner. LINK.

And HERE is More Proof, as aided by Rollertrain, that I haven't a clue how to shut up in an interview. LINK

That's all for now.
Don't get caught constantly reminding the old roommates that THEY MOVED OUT AND CAN'T KEEP STAYING HERE.
Your Favorite Memory From This Blog Post,
Expanding Cheese Foam In a Can

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November 05, 2008

America's Mouth Full of Money

Tonight I felt joy and enthusiasm about America as I have never felt before.

That's a lie, yes I have, and

SO HAVE YOU, if only in the heart of your mind.

It's why we give a shit.

And It's not about the candidate,

Well maybe it is.

We as Americans, who have been preaching inclusion and unity since the beginning, the people who love this place because it allows us to fully realize ourselves as individuals, collectively, in unity, regardless of heritage or background, and in utmost consideration of merit and soul, finally got the validation and the simple proof we never really even needed, but
KNEW was there:

AMERICA, is the place to go when you need to be, when you must be, YOU.

We're together in this, and we all know it.



When you believe it all depends on you, to make you, and be you, this is where you come.

Complain if you will, (but you probably aren't), for those of us who care, which for the first and only time in MY life, it seems like everyone, America has once again, albeit more perfectly and articulately than ever, put it's money where it's mouth is.

And it feels fantastic.

You feel it.

I feel it.

Feel it.

America is a great great place.

Lets' be thankful and lets hold on to this feeling.


Blogger kelco is a gaywad.

was this a guest blog? :)


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

if that is your way of asking if i can substitute nonsensical, poorly written, surreal, run-on sentences about what happens to me when i sleep, for canned, poorly written, comma ridden, coma inducing, attempts at inspirational run on sentences about how i feel walking around in SF post elections and then blogging while totally WAAA HAY HAY STED...


yes i can.


Blogger Pip is a gaywad.

Yeah, I'm also surprised by the coherence in this post. Good stuff, but still surprising.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming?


Blogger Burns! is a gaywad.

Surprising or not...
Well said.


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

Yes, w-haysted or not you are obviously happy about not having to be embarrassed about your leadership. I know how that feels... us Ozzies got rid of little george's deputy, 'how-hard' only 9 months ago.

The world is looking up!


Blogger francine is a gaywad.

i read this post while watching rock of love charm school and for that, i KNOW i love this country.


Anonymous Szugye is a gaywad.

My brother! I for one, am not surprised by this blog--we go back too far--not to know what we know.

Yep! I shed a tear (or more), and I know you did also.

You are allowed to do 'your thing,' and I'm allowed to do 'my thing,' and as Martha Stewart says, 'and that's a good thing.'

I'm not proud to be an American--I just AM--and I appreciate the differences that make us a great Nation.

Oh yeah--and I still don't think that francine 'is a gaywad.'

Peace aka The Real Peace,



Blogger francine is a gaywad.



Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

i don't see no new francine. just you, just the original francine.


Blogger francine is a gaywad.

oh thank goodness. because the world isn't big enough for too many francine gaywads.


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