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December 22, 2008

Accidentally Imitating Tracy Morgan at BYU, Universal Retro Future Day & Hiding My Pranks Under a Bushel

I took a trip back to BYU with my new friend Tracy Morgan, yeah the funny black dude from 30 rock and SNL. We had taco salads in the cafeteria and I noticed that I was adopting his hyper negro speech patterns. I really don't like it when white people talk like black people but you try hanging out with him. Anyway, I told him I was sorry and that I couldn't help it. He blew it off like he didn't care but just to make sure I started talking like a fag instead. He cared about that. He didn't like it. He thought I was making fun of him. I wasn't.

Blacks are scared of gays. Like I needed to tell you.

Anyway, at BYU we saw the famous father son team of bearded Mormon professors who drank coffee and other caffeinated drinks but insisted that they were good Mormons. Such rebels. It made me sad. Gay.

When we left the cafeteria we realized it was universal retro future day, which of course is the day that the whole universe is made over to look like the retro version of the future. It was pretty cool, although one of the cars I noticed was the Datsun 200sx my mom had as a kid. I suppose it fit the theme ok. I drove that car to my first boob touching experience which was also at BYU, but that's another story.

We ended the day making prank phone calls to radio stations with my friend who owns my favorite art gallery. Actually he did all the pranking. Tracy Morgan was still pissed at me acting Homo even though I only did it for like 30 minutes. I didn't have the heart to break in with some of my own pranks because it comes so naturally to me it would be unfair. I'm really THAT good. I'm not kidding.

Now Le Dinosaur:

That's all for now.
Don't get caught taking a vacation when your whole life is basically a vacation.
Your Favorite Fake Santa Claus You Wish Would Come To The House,
Chris Farley

BTW, Speaking of Santa Claus, the next 11 people to order my book BEFORE OR ON CHRISTMAS will also get a copy to give to someone else.

"WHAT? Buy one get one free?"
Yeah, but only because I don't want you to feel like shit buying something for yourself at Christmas, this way you aren't an asshole and I'm basically Santa Claus or Jesus who are basically the same dude only one is old, fat and manipulative by using toys as incentives and one is a passive aggressive hippy who is manipulative by using fire as a threat.

Come to think of it, I ain't like neither of them assholes.

Seeins how normal shipping ain't gonna get the book to you by Christmas, if you live right here in San Francisco I'll even put that shit on my sleigh and bring it to you like WAY Santa style. Or we can arrange a drop off or pick up so long as you don't ask to sit on my lap or pull my beard.

Thats how Christmas *I* am.

Anonymous Jamie is a gaywad.

Lets go to the Corn Dog 7 over at the mall. They let you watch.


Anonymous Albert is a gaywad.

Come back Merk
I love to read you


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

You may not be god but you may as well be, cause you're not even there!
2009 needs Merkley too


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