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June 22, 2009

BFF BBQ With BHO, Dog Fish Adoption Under The Influence of Lesbian Hipster Polygamism & The Longest Reverse Plane Crash

So yeah, Utah just keeps getting weirder and weirder. I used to dread going back but its becoming such a freak show it's almost fun. Plus, since I'm one of the only people from Utah that doesn't hate black people, I get invited to the presidential BBQ when he rolls through town. (Utahs, don't really hate blacks, I just say that because it makes them so MAD).

Anyway, I was throwing so many one liners at the BBQ I totally upstaged the President. I thought he was about ready to get pissed off but instead he just adopted me as his best buddy for the evening so if you need any presidential pardons in the near future, tweet me.

The big public park that was a few blocks from my house has turned in to a Sea World type theme park with the only difference being no SEA stuff, just fish from the local rivers and lakes. A lesbian girl from the BBQ took me on a tour because she knows some of the trainers. First place we went was to the pool where they keep all the trained fish and do the shows.

"Hey, my friend merkley wants to meet the dog fish, can you call one of them out here?"

"Call him yourself" the trainer said.

No sooner did he say that than out came swimming a fish that looked exactly like a dog. It even acted like a dog, waggin it's tail, making direct eye contact, coming up to get it's head scratched. It was pretty amazing. vegetarians are going to go straight vegan when they find out about this. The dog fish joined a big fresh water sail fish in a 20 minute choreographed routine which was absolutely amazing.

At the end, as we left, the trainer pulled me aside to sign some papers. They were custody release papers for the dog fish.

"Why am I releasing custody of the dog fish? I don't even own it."

"Well actually you do, it's a clone/hybrid of your old dog Chico and that piranha fish you left here so legally we have to get you to release it or we can't do our show that's why we invited you.

I was tempted for a second to be a dick and say no, but how lame would that have been. Plus I don't have a pool. Plus the lesbian chick was giving me a look like she'd beat the crap out of me if I didn't sign. She could've too. I signed them. Biggest gayest signature I ever did. Super loopy.

In the parking lot I caught a homeless dude trying to steal one of my hats out of the back of my Cadillac. Someone had completely smashed the fuck out of the car, ripped the whole roof and trunk open then dumped it in a huge pile of dirty snow. I don't even want to talk about it, way too depressing.

Man, I haven't even told you yet about the really freaky part of Utah yet.

Ok so the new generation of polygamists are now calling it "Polygamism" because they believe in multiple long term relationships but they don't believe in marriage. They are mostly hipster lesbian type girls and it's really just a way for them to have massive dyke orgies while maintaining a very select and exclusive stable of sperm donors so that all of the new generation of dykey hipster kids are all basically related and cool.

For some reason they really don't like gay dudes. I didn't ask.

But, they all know how much I love the gays and how my heritage goes right back to Joseph Smith's inner circle so they were way heavily recruiting me. I have never seen so much ex-Mormon lesbian vagina in my life. They were literally shoving it in my face the whole time. It wasn't as stinky as I would've imagined. I suppose it makes sense that dykes would make an effort to stay fresh considering the lack of options in the interlocking parts department. They dragged me to a hot tub party on the roof of a local dome shaped super market. I knew something was weird about that place. It's called REAM'S, no joke so of course, lots of "reaming" was done.

Yeah I'm gross, I admit it.

I would've been happy to sperm donate on a lot more of them but they really were looking at things long term. I wasn't so into that part.

Anyway, the plane ride home was a the longest plane crash in history, only there was some weird ripple in the universe that made it seem as if the whole entire world was being destroyed by the wake of our plane rather than us being destroyed by the smash of the plane against a mountain. In other words, while we were definitely crashing, it was the rest of the world that was being destroyed, not us. For the first 30 minutes It was really rather frightening watching out the window as thousands of buildings just crumbled to the ground and whole forests were blown away as we made our way past. After a while it was boring so I fell asleep.

Point is:
I need to stop drinking on planes.


Now Christina:

That's all for now.
Don't get caught considering leaving in the typo "Moistly hipster lesbian type girls" because it's not THAT rad and people apparently universally hate the word "moist".
Your Least Favorite Choice for Dog Fish Clone/Hybrid
Chelsea Lately

FUCK FRANCINE!!:
Anonymous Southern Gothic is a gaywad.

I sort of miss the high drama of the low humorist...

 

Anonymous MilleeAh is a gaywad.

More more more
want some more please

 

Anonymous Aja is a gaywad.

awesome are you, yah!

 

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