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March 17, 2009

I Survived Two Plane Crashes in One Afternoon, I Parade Preached The Fuck Out of Them Brazilians, & The Scientific Squishy Can of Beans

Got in a plane crash yesterday. We smashed right down into the water about mid flight. Luckily we weren't going fast enough to blow the plane up. The worst part was that the rescue plane crashed right into us instead of rescuing us. The main thing I remember are all the plastic plates falling off the shelves and the huge engine chunks flying towards us.

I never really realized how realistic the plane crash scenes are on LOST until it happened to me.

That show is SUPER realistic let me tell YOU.

Unfortunately the island we landed on was basically a big huge brazilian ghetto. It reminded me so much of my days as a Mormon missionary that I almost unwillingly snapped bak into preacher mode. Apparently I'm still really good at it because it wasn't long before they rolled out the bleachers all along the main street where I gave one hundred sermons in my own little one man parade.

Afterwards, a really sweet Brazilian girl tried to give me a hand job, which isn't something I'm totally against, except she was already giving a hand job to some dude with an uncircumcised dong the size of a can of beans.

She tried to get me to touch it. The wang, that is. I'll admit I was ever so slightly tempted, not because I'm homo but because I wanted to see if it was as squishy as it looked.

Science, people.

Sometimes ya gotta get your hands dirty.

There will be time for scientific wang touching some other time. I passed.

Later I practiced getting the language right with the in-laws.

I wasn't easy.

Point being:
People who don't swear are hiding something.

Now Violet Blue:

That's all for now,
Don't get caught saying you didn't touch it when you really did give it a little squeeze just to see.
Your Favorite Scientist,
Dr. DongTongs

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.


Get her ass out of your head, Merkley.


Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

If you don't touch it with your hands, then you're not a homo.

Use your bum instead


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March 13, 2009

I Was Standing in a Room With 1000 People Talking on Cell Phones, No, Wait, That's Twitter

If the toilet overflowed and all the turds you flushed away 15+ years ago came flying back out into your face, you could call that Facebook.

If every time U crapped, the toilet changed colors, flipped backwards, blared dance music & took forever to flush, you'd call that MySpace

If your toilet fucked up so every time someone you knew flushed their toilet their turd flew out into your face, you might call that Twitter

Follow me on twitter where i will annoy you in 140 characters or less!

and also, come to the Metermaids art show at the Lower Haters gallery tonight round 7-11ish, my piece of crap is below.

It's CHELSEA!!!:

That's all for now.
Don't get caught mud wrasslin' city hall.
Your Mayor,
Gay Marriage Guy

Blogger raymi lauren is a gaywad.

you keep repeating that in my feed shut upskies


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

you shut up dickhead.


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March 02, 2009

Fat Old Wrinkled People Swimming and Chanting At The Bank, Oprah's Gigantic Goiter & The Bagel Truck Drove Into The Pool

It was ritual naked swim day at my bank yesterday. Had I known I probably wouldn't have gone, luckily I didn't know.

This might just be a San Francisco thing, you tell me. Does your bank have a huge swimming pool/baptismal font up on the balcony? Do old people flock in to get naked and crowd the pool droning and chanting religious bullcrap?

Fat Grampas and Grammas look interesting naked. One woman had some type of elephantitis of her legs, all her fat had slumped down around her feet. She was shaped like a hershey's kiss only skin colored with age spots. She looked like a melted candle. I could not see her feet because they were completely covered with the slumping fat. She moved more like a snail than anything else.

Anyway, a halfish type friend of mine was somehow involved in organizing the event. The dude with the curly mustache. I think the point was to somehow attempt to all at once cleanse people of sins while blessing them with wealth.

Maybe my bank is a Jewish temple.

It was a bunch of hooey.

Still fun to see a pool filled with naked old people hoping for big money through spiritual bullshit.

On the way out I saw Oprah. She is a zombie now, or at least she was for the event. She had major goiter, her neck was fatter than her head. Gale was there, no signs of any dykery to report. Sorry.

You'd think all that would be enough stimulus to keep me occupied but it wasn't so I hooked up the personal TV desk to watch the runaway bagel truck wreak havoc on the outdoor pool with a load of at least a billion bagels.

Soggy bagels and old Jews in a pool.

There is a theme here.

Point is:
Cash is Way More Useful Than Jesus.

Now Jenny:

That's all for now.
Don't get caught prolonging the holocaust by calling elderly Jewish people rich and soggy.
Your Most Fave Irish Rabbi With a Squishy Fat Eye,
Rabbi O'FlabbEye

Anonymous Anonymous is a gaywad.

Fuck Francine indeed!
You RSS is broke, but I found ya anyway.
Dream says you are scared of getting old (and jewish?) still reckon you should visit, but i won't go on about it..
You ought to patent Gay Spay while you can!


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

man, why did my rss break? i didn't even do anything to it.


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