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September 09, 2009

Oh My GGGosh, GGG??? is ToniGGGht!

Girls Gays & Groceries.


Now The Sexiest Woman Alive:

That's all for now.
Don't GGGet cauGGGht GGGetting GGGoofy with The GGGroceries,
Your Old School GGG
GGGrampa GGGay GGGirl

Blogger dot is a gaywad.

Tell me how awesome you were, i'm dying to hear EVERYTHING.


Blogger dot is a gaywad.


Thank you!

That fascinating update totally made my day!


Blogger Terry is a gaywad.

Dammit, Merkley, don't make me be sorry that I already personalized a book to you. Send me your address.


Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

holy shit i musta checked the first comment when i was drunk.

i will email you my address. can't wait. you rule :)


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September 07, 2009

Hey, Buddy, Yeah You, Holy Crud Only 2 MORE DAYS!

Are you gonna come to my show? huh? huh? huh? You gonna? Huh? You should, really, you should. Do it. Come, be there. Seriously, come on, what have you got to lose? Just do it. What? I can't hear you. Shut up. You sound retarded. Fine, don't come, see if I give a fuck, I was only trying to be nice. Fuck all you. Seriously, fuck off.



Now Nicky Bangles:

That's all for now.
Don't get caught badgering people, especially actual badgers.
Your Favorite Dead Badger,
That Cokehead Dude Who Dyed His Beard Black But Still Screams at Me From The TV.

Anonymous Dav is a gaywad.

I liked this show! But I suck at math and didn't have a yardstick. How much are the prints?


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September 02, 2009

GGG??? Girls, Gays & Groceries

Hi Everybody!
Remember me? It's Joaquin Phoenix! I have finally completed my transformation and now I am MERKLEY??? just like I never wanted to be. I quit the movies, I quit RAP and now I just take pictures of girls, gays and groceries. JUST LIKE MERKLEY??? I mean ME, I'm merkley??? now.

Anyway, next Wednesday 9.9.9. (upside down 666 -- ooooh creepy) I will be showing a bunch of pictures you might not have seen at Project One Gallery in SF.

The Show is called "GGG???, Girls Gays & Groceries" and it starts at 6:66pm ON THE DOT! Bring your wallet and station wagon because everything is for sale in BULK!

Now Chelsea:

Chelsea - Dinner
Chelsea - Dinner

Now Chelsea As The Flyer for The Show:

Buy my book now, or buy it at the show!

That's all for now!
Don't get caught impersonating merkley??? when it's just as easy to actually BE HIM.
Your Pal,
Jim Morrison

Anonymous Millah is a gaywad.

fuck yeah!


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June 22, 2009

BFF BBQ With BHO, Dog Fish Adoption Under The Influence of Lesbian Hipster Polygamism & The Longest Reverse Plane Crash

So yeah, Utah just keeps getting weirder and weirder. I used to dread going back but its becoming such a freak show it's almost fun. Plus, since I'm one of the only people from Utah that doesn't hate black people, I get invited to the presidential BBQ when he rolls through town. (Utahs, don't really hate blacks, I just say that because it makes them so MAD).

Anyway, I was throwing so many one liners at the BBQ I totally upstaged the President. I thought he was about ready to get pissed off but instead he just adopted me as his best buddy for the evening so if you need any presidential pardons in the near future, tweet me.

The big public park that was a few blocks from my house has turned in to a Sea World type theme park with the only difference being no SEA stuff, just fish from the local rivers and lakes. A lesbian girl from the BBQ took me on a tour because she knows some of the trainers. First place we went was to the pool where they keep all the trained fish and do the shows.

"Hey, my friend merkley wants to meet the dog fish, can you call one of them out here?"

"Call him yourself" the trainer said.

No sooner did he say that than out came swimming a fish that looked exactly like a dog. It even acted like a dog, waggin it's tail, making direct eye contact, coming up to get it's head scratched. It was pretty amazing. vegetarians are going to go straight vegan when they find out about this. The dog fish joined a big fresh water sail fish in a 20 minute choreographed routine which was absolutely amazing.

At the end, as we left, the trainer pulled me aside to sign some papers. They were custody release papers for the dog fish.

"Why am I releasing custody of the dog fish? I don't even own it."

"Well actually you do, it's a clone/hybrid of your old dog Chico and that piranha fish you left here so legally we have to get you to release it or we can't do our show that's why we invited you.

I was tempted for a second to be a dick and say no, but how lame would that have been. Plus I don't have a pool. Plus the lesbian chick was giving me a look like she'd beat the crap out of me if I didn't sign. She could've too. I signed them. Biggest gayest signature I ever did. Super loopy.

In the parking lot I caught a homeless dude trying to steal one of my hats out of the back of my Cadillac. Someone had completely smashed the fuck out of the car, ripped the whole roof and trunk open then dumped it in a huge pile of dirty snow. I don't even want to talk about it, way too depressing.

Man, I haven't even told you yet about the really freaky part of Utah yet.

Ok so the new generation of polygamists are now calling it "Polygamism" because they believe in multiple long term relationships but they don't believe in marriage. They are mostly hipster lesbian type girls and it's really just a way for them to have massive dyke orgies while maintaining a very select and exclusive stable of sperm donors so that all of the new generation of dykey hipster kids are all basically related and cool.

For some reason they really don't like gay dudes. I didn't ask.

But, they all know how much I love the gays and how my heritage goes right back to Joseph Smith's inner circle so they were way heavily recruiting me. I have never seen so much ex-Mormon lesbian vagina in my life. They were literally shoving it in my face the whole time. It wasn't as stinky as I would've imagined. I suppose it makes sense that dykes would make an effort to stay fresh considering the lack of options in the interlocking parts department. They dragged me to a hot tub party on the roof of a local dome shaped super market. I knew something was weird about that place. It's called REAM'S, no joke so of course, lots of "reaming" was done.

Yeah I'm gross, I admit it.

I would've been happy to sperm donate on a lot more of them but they really were looking at things long term. I wasn't so into that part.

Anyway, the plane ride home was a the longest plane crash in history, only there was some weird ripple in the universe that made it seem as if the whole entire world was being destroyed by the wake of our plane rather than us being destroyed by the smash of the plane against a mountain. In other words, while we were definitely crashing, it was the rest of the world that was being destroyed, not us. For the first 30 minutes It was really rather frightening watching out the window as thousands of buildings just crumbled to the ground and whole forests were blown away as we made our way past. After a while it was boring so I fell asleep.

Point is:
I need to stop drinking on planes.

Now Christina:

That's all for now.
Don't get caught considering leaving in the typo "Moistly hipster lesbian type girls" because it's not THAT rad and people apparently universally hate the word "moist".
Your Least Favorite Choice for Dog Fish Clone/Hybrid
Chelsea Lately

Anonymous Southern Gothic is a gaywad.

I sort of miss the high drama of the low humorist...


Anonymous MilleeAh is a gaywad.

More more more
want some more please


Anonymous Aja is a gaywad.

awesome are you, yah!


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June 17, 2009

I Put Dog Poop on The Steering Wheel, I Didn't Steal Jay Leno's Tap Dance Shoes, & JUDGE JUDY DEF CUPPED MY BALLS!

Last night some friends and I stumbled across a cop car with it's window down and nobody in it. We were completely unable to NOT prank it. We looked around for impromptu pranking materials and spotted some little baggies of dog poop which we gently placed onto the steering wheel.

Some onlookers loved it while others wanted to kill us.

"You are going to JAIL ASSHOLES!" one lady screamed as a rep for one half of the crowd.

Meanwhile, the other half of the crowd played lookout for us.

Soon some flat-topped military types in the crowd could no longer handle the blatant disrespect for the law and began charging at me from across the street.

"Get out of there merkley, they are gonna kill you!" a lady screamed.

Although she was probably right I thought I'd stand my ground. I can really pull off the crazy vibe when I want and I have seen how small dogs scare off big dogs on the reg so I went charging towards them at twice the speed they were charging me. Their dogs were the first to respond, backing up with tails between their legs.

"MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS YOU DICKS, ITS A FUCKING JOKE ON THE COPS!" I yelled at the men still feeling like they were gonna kick the crap outta me.


Of course I wouldn't have, that's just gross, but fat-topped cop types don't like anything that even sounds homo so they slowly backed away.

"NICE JACKET, BY THE WAY, I LOVE THE PATTERN!!!" I yelled to reinforce the threat of gay.

Once we finished dog pooping up the car, we turned on the lights and siren and waited around for the cops to return but after 30 minutes went by we all got bored and decided to bail. Plus the siren was way annoying.

What is this, American Graffiti? LAME.

We ended up at a party in one of Jay Leno's many warehouses. It wasn't a good night for him, someone had broken into his shoe collection and stolen all his faves. He looked really sad. He also looked very suspicious of me. Whatever, I'd probably be suspicious of me too but I had nothing to do with it I swear. I felt bad for him, he really was on the verge of tears and when your head is that bobbleheaded and your body is that puny, welled up tears really get cartoony looking. Cartoony like SAD cartoony. Poor guy.

Judge Judy was there. I get flirty with old ladies because it seems like the right thing to do. This time however it was NOT the right thing to do. She responded by totally grabbing my wang, not in a violent way, like in a way where she was gonna make it do stuff to her kinda way. Like in a cupping my balls kind of way. Yeah, THAT way. She was cupping my balls.


I tried to talk myself into a boner because if Judge Judy is tryin to get up on your pole you may as well. RIGHT?

Boner didn't come though, she is just too macho for me. I'll be honest, she scared me a little. Instead I gave her a ton of shit for completely giving the opposite impression of the idea that we are a nation ruled by LAW and NOT ruled by snippity, smart ass, one lining bitches who care more about being obnoxious Lady Elaines than being JUST.

Yeah, I really did give her a civics sermon, I lectured Judge Judy, even called her "JJ" the whole time. I can be pretty cool when I wanna.

You know, I really think she listened too, probably because I didn't get a boner when she was cupping my balls.


Oh yeah, I also told her the Dog Poop on Cop Steering Wheel story from earlier in the evening. She thought it was pretty funny. Apparently she hates cops. I lectured her about that too. She's fucked up.

There's no reason to HATE cops.

Point is:
Lecturing sounds nasty.

Now Joy:

That's all for now.
Don't get caught overusing Lady Elaine to represent red faced dyke types.
Your Favorite Rotating Museum,
JJ's Old School Diaphragm

Anonymous Jan is a gaywad.

I'm just glad you didn't get a boner. Just think about what the night would've been like if you did.

Also, you spelled Its with an apostrophe. Y'best change that.



Blogger merkley??? is a gaywad.

ok when it is possessive you're supposed to use an apostrophe no? like "Jan's thing" or "it's thing" are you talking about where i was screaming ITS A JOKE ON THE COPS?


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