My Mother's London Based Daniel Boone Wedding Reception Center, The Burglar Who Looked Sharp In My Stolen Suit & Pilots are Stuck UP

My mom is now running a wedding reception center in London. It's the same place where a big rockstar friend got married and I had to spend her whole wedding day in her bridal chambers documenting it all.

Too much estrogen. My balls shrank to microscopic levels.

My mom didn't own it then, nor did she own it when I got married there way back when. She has become quite an avid art collector having commissioned a whole room of paintings that looked like old Daniel Boone postcards. In each painting there were at least three bearded men, one of which was an obvious likeness of me. At first glance you'd think I'd be flattered, but that's just because you don't know my mom. Those painting are her way of trying to explain to the world that there are famous men with beards, it's the only way she can deal with her shame, you know, by trying to validate my existence though the accomplishments of beard-os past.

Ew, marriage. Why do the gays want it so much? It's as if they are demanding entrance to a leper colony, you know, just cuz it's exclusive.

Equality does require equal stupidity I suppose.

Speaking of gays, I don't know why I always feel so compelled to drag some gays out of the closet. I get really annoyed with closet gays. They aren't helping anything. I called out half my Mormon mom's staff.

And then we got robbed. One of the robbers was wearing one of my favorite suits. Guess he stole it. I would have been pissed but I have to admit he did look sharp.

Anyway, I snuck out of the robbery and made my way to the old wedding breakfast nook where I snacked on fish, hot dogs, trail mix and donuts.

At the airport coming home I ran into one of my best friends from high school. Apparently I did something to make him think I'm an asshole because he had no interest in talking to me and was obviously pissed. Or maybe that's just they way pilots act.

Nevertheless my feelings were hurt.

Glad to be back from London.

Point is:
You gotta fight 4 your right 2 B RETAAAARRRDED!

Now Natalie:

Natalie - Sofa

In celebration of todays date 11/11, I will be giving the next 11 People who buy my book a randomly selected signed limited edition 18x24 print of one of the girls in the book. It will be a complete surprise which one you will receive. I'll even pay shipping for the print. The prints sold at the show for $111 bucks each so it's totes like a 2fer.

That's all for now,
Don't get caught doing a Naked Lady Sale on Vetrans Day.
Your Assistant Manager In Charge of So Much Important Stuff You Can't Even Believe It,
Your Name Here

Wanna Hear Me Do Woody Allen? No? Extreme Garage Door Makeover: Jet Engine TV Edition & The Creepy Sleepwalker Chick

Found out that falling asleep during a Woody Allen movie results in the ability to do a perfect impression. Too bad the only person entertained by a perfect Woody Allen impression is an old roommate who I hope I never see again.

I was trying to sleep but I could hear the sound of a TV coming from below my bed. Nobody lives below my bed, that's where the garage is. When I went to investigate, I discovered that someone had installed an entertainment center into my garage door. Must have been one of those garage door makeover shows because they actually did a pretty good job, the final result looked a bit like a jet engine covered in old bakelite wall receptacles.

They also installed a very powerful fan. Not necessary.

While I was down there I noticed that I have terrible noise leakage, if you were to stand below my window you would probably be able to hear me farting in my sleep, and I'm NOT a loud sleep farter.

Time to break out the can of expanding foam.

BTW how cool is that shit?, Also, why not just combine it with aerosol cheese?

Hello instant massive cheese puffs.

Hello a billion dollars.

Later on when I was trying to sleep, a really creepy girl wandered in to my room totally sleep walking. She was a complete stranger and other than totally giving me the standard sleep walker willies, she didn't seem to mean any harm so I didn't try to wake her up. I gently guided her to the front door and sent her on her sleepwalky way.

This whole city is basically sleepwalking anyway.

Don't judge.

Point is:
I'm the Potential Willi Wonka of SAVORY Snacks

Now Natalie:

Natalie - Atop Her Antique Dresser Littered With Lingerie & a Variety of French Cheeses, Red Wine, Feathers & Grapes, Adjusts Her Leg to Avoid Toppling a Tower of 12 Cheese Burgers in a Brass Bowl as a Black Bird Lands on Some Bottom Drawer French Bread

DID I EVER MENTION I HAVE A BOOK FOR SALE?

Here is some video proof, aided by Frederick Van, that I can and DO sometimes turn off my normally very Barry Whiteish voice as to be more like a commoner. LINK.

And HERE is More Proof, as aided by Rollertrain, that I haven't a clue how to shut up in an interview. LINK

That's all for now.
Don't get caught constantly reminding the old roommates that THEY MOVED OUT AND CAN'T KEEP STAYING HERE.
Your Favorite Memory From This Blog Post,
Expanding Cheese Foam In a Can

America's Mouth Full of Money

Tonight I felt joy and enthusiasm about America as I have never felt before.

That's a lie, yes I have, and

SO HAVE YOU, if only in the heart of your mind.

It's why we give a shit.

And It's not about the candidate,

Well maybe it is.

We as Americans, who have been preaching inclusion and unity since the beginning, the people who love this place because it allows us to fully realize ourselves as individuals, collectively, in unity, regardless of heritage or background, and in utmost consideration of merit and soul, finally got the validation and the simple proof we never really even needed, but
KNEW was there:

AMERICA, is the place to go when you need to be, when you must be, YOU.

We're together in this, and we all know it.

Again.

Finally.

When you believe it all depends on you, to make you, and be you, this is where you come.

Complain if you will, (but you probably aren't), for those of us who care, which for the first and only time in MY life, it seems like everyone, America has once again, albeit more perfectly and articulately than ever, put it's money where it's mouth is.

And it feels fantastic.

You feel it.

I feel it.

Feel it.

America is a great great place.

Lets' be thankful and lets hold on to this feeling.

OK?

Indian Giving is Totally Racist, My Brothers Multi-Level Back Yard Fish Ballet Facilities & The Fatty What Tried to Gank My Sweater

I was getting rid of a bunch of old printed material containing my art, CD booklets, posters, flyers etc.. I distributed it evenly amongst the interested parties, but half way through I realized that much of the items were actually original drawings and paintings so I scrambled to get them back.

As if I'd miss them, they have been locked away for decades.

I sold my brother my house in SLC over 10 years ago, I only just barely went back to visit. He totally remodeled it, wasn't even recognizeable, probably 5 times the square footage as before.

The main attraction was the multi level pool in the back yard. What a thing of beauty, I have never seen anything like it. The water was super warm, it looked like a man made architectural version of those emerald colored paint pot hot springs in yellowstone that they say are five billion degrees.

The pools were stocked with a huge variety of exotic fish which he trained to do all sorts of tricks and choreography. I had no idea fresh water fish could be so colorful let alone trained to do loopdeloops and fish ballet etc.. Some of them could even spell things and make funny shapes with their bubble streams, kinda like how planes do it with colored smoke at air shows. How he doesn't have a show on the Back Yard Remodeling Channel is beyond me. Top level shit.

His old lady roommates LOVE him.

When I woke up this morning there was a huge ass spider web above the other side of the bed with a huge fucking spider smack dab in the middle. It could have eaten my dogs. I'm glad the girl didn't stay over last night.

Last item: Yesterday a big huge fat girl had my favorite sweater claiming she "found it downtown". A) it's vintage from the forties B) it's one of a kind hand made, C) I have pictures of me wearing it.

Nice try fatty.

Point is:
Animals take note:
We Don't Eat Animals Who Do Tricks.

Now Natalie:

Natalie - Smokes While Pretending to Wait For The Bus Behind a T-Bone Steak Resting on a Hurst Shifter Equipped Transmission Under a Quasi Snooze Proof Muni Shelter with Existential Vandalism, a Half Hidden Blue Billed Duck & a Small Sony Transistor Radio

WHAT BOOK?

That's all for now.
Don't get caught making the goldfish roll over.
Your Oldest Roommate,
A Jar of Hellman's Mayo Crica 1987

The Steve Perry Awards with My Blind Date Sheryl Crow, Pubescent Boy Boobs For Funny Coke Dealers & Stay OUT of My Endo

I attended The First Annual Steve Perry Awards Show last night. Sheryl Crow was my blind date, neither of us were too thrilled. We did our best to pretend to be having fun because that's all she really wants to do.

But we weren't having fun at all.

Luckily my little gay coke dealer comedian friend was there to at least make things funny. And funny things were until he took off his shirt and revealed his boobs which looked like the little cone shaped boobs little fat boys get round bout puberty time. My best friend from when I was 12 had those, big nipples and all. I felt sorry for him and tried not to look.

Oh yeah he also wore the exact same thing as me supposedly to indict me as his boyfriend, as if I'd be embarrassed by that sort of thing.

Nice try.

Later on my mom and some of my friends tried to have a private dinner party upstairs, of course I invited myself along even though there weren't enough chairs or seats at the table.

I hate them.

During the dinner one of the gays was accused of not being gay enough and I said:

"Well he is OBVIOUSLY gay from the waist down".

Of course everyone assumed I was talking about the behavior of his wiener as if I had personal experience when really I was talking about his pink highwater pants with sparkled shoes. No matter what you say regarding the gays, ultimately it will serve as some sort of homo innuendo.

STAY AWAY FROM MY ENDO!

See?

Oh yeah, my sister locked my dog in her closet during the dinner. I found him on my quest for a chair. He looked like he had been in there for 50 years. 10 times as runty as usual.

As someone once sang:
Jesus Has No Teeth in The Land of The Toothless

Now Natalie:

Natalie - Makes Half Assed Toast to Who Knows with Mango Lassi, Water, Makhani, Naan, Jasmine Rice, Hacky Saag, a Trio of Condiments, a Brass Vase of Fake Roses, Sarcastic Vandalism, a Picture of The Greatest Indian Who Ever Lived & a Picture of Ghandi

Your uncle wants my book for his birthday I swear.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught quoting Brazilian new wave bands.
Your Favorite Religion For People Who Don't Give a Fuck About Whether or Not There is a God,
Apatheism