If I Was a Dude Named Farley...

If I was a paraplegic, I would dress up like a pretzel.

If I was a giant soft pretzel at the mall and I ran into one of those faggy little dry pretzels in a bag I'd say; "Hey Bag Pretzel, a 130 year old woman called, she wants the dryness of her vagina and the brittleness of her bones back!" and then I'd get all stretchy, steamy and wiggly and unwrap myself just to make that dry little brittle dickhead feel like a butthole.

If I was an actual Butthole, I'd probably lay awake in bed at night thinking about what it would be like to be a pasta machine with all those attachments, because I'm pretty sure I'd dream of making poop in all the popular noodle shapes.

If I was an inventor with a giant factory at my disposal, I would immediately begin manufacturing a pasta machine that looked like Gary Coleman taking a poop. I know what people want.

If I was the most annoying party guest ever, I would be a hippie Italian dude with dreadlocks and I'd talk about my idea for a new restaurant called The Pastafarian and then I'd explain how all the employees would wear rasta hats with fake dreadlocks made out of noodles and they'd have to say "Pasta mon" all the god damn time.

If I was Reggae Music, I would hold a press conference and admit that Bob Marley was my only real accomplishment and then I'd plead with hippies and frat dudes to stop giving me a bad name and making me want to kill myself.

If I was Suicide, I'd want to polish up my public image so I would legally change my name to D.I.Y. because then when people killed themselves people could say: "Yeah, Charlie D.I.Y.ed" which if you pronounce it and say it out-loud, (Deeyewied), it sounds like a really cute babytalk way of just saying; "Charlie died."

If I was a dude named Farley, I suppose my nickname would be Fuck.

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That's all for now!
Don't get caught dressing up your five year old daughter like an expensive hooker!
Your, pretzel dicked amigo,
merkley???