If I Was Jesus Christ on the Crucifix's Ding Dong...
If I was a Secret Ingredient I would probably be pickle juice, cumin, or soy sauce or maybe lard, UNLESS I was the secret ingredient in deodorant then I'd probably be something like mercury or donkey jizz.
If I was a Regular Old Colander, whenever anyone dumped spaghetti in me and one of those spaghettis slipped it's noodle end THROUGH one of my tiny holes I'd yell "RAPE!!" Unless the noodle was very handsome, then I'd just pretend to be wasted.
If I was Bill Cosby's Tootsie Roll, I'd figure out how to work his zipper from the inside and next time he did his comedy routine I'd come bursting out of his pants and then finally he'd have to acknowledge me and maybe tell just ONE joke about me.
If I was a Dildo Manufacturer, I'd make a dildo that was half dildo, half turkey baster with an air brushed Image of Mother Mary on it and I'd call it The Immaculate Vibrating Conception, or maybe The Joseph.
If I was Jesus Christ on the Crucifix's Ding Dong, I'd one day just become a big huge boner in like some run down cathedral somewhere in Mexico and then I'd wait to see just how many old crippled Mexican women would make the pilgrimage to see THAT miracle. Then I'd pee blood.
That's all for now!
Don't get caught taking the spurting blood from a crucifix's boner and smearing it into your Snailfight™ in hopes that you'll somehow give birth to the next Jesus, but wouldn't that be a miracle if it worked!? May as well give it a shot!
Your Six Time Super Bowl ummm Somethin'r'Other,
Condoleeza Rice
Oh shit! I almost forgot!
