If I Was The Best Way To Explain To A Child Why Jews Don't Celebrate Christmas...
If I was a Super Realistic Dead Rudolph Pinata Type Deal, I'd be fresh deer carcass with a red light bulb installed in my nose, my empty chest cavity would be filled with guts and awesome expensive electronic presents crammed into condoms, I would be sewn back up and hung by the antlers in the garage. On christmas morning the kids would descend to see what Santa left and they'd find a few bad ass warrior looking knives, a Pantera box set and maybe a sword and they'd go nutts on me to find remaining gifts. I'd be the greatest new Christmas tradition to hit red states in years.
If I was A Black Triple XMAS On The North Pole, I'd be a lovely Christmas porn DVD starring Peter North and all kinds of negro elf sluts workin' North's pole and there would be candy canes getting shoved in all kinds of fruitcakes, gum drops shootin all over sugar plums, nutts would be crackin left and right and no pole would be pointing south, that's fer god damned sure. I'd be the perfect gift for any man.
If I was "Vengeance For Santa -- Get Them Mop Headed Negroes!", I'd be an awesome Christmas Day activity wherein on Christmas morning, a rich white father would explain to his three little blonde headed girls: "Santa brought you all iPods, Slutbag Barbies and Real live Ponies, but Rastafarians broke in at 2am and mugged Santa and stole all your shit. HOWEVER, they DID leave behind this Peter Tosh mix tape and a bag of weed. Enjoy!" Then they'd all get baked together and about an hour later they'd look out the window only to see a Rastafarian riding a pony down the street. The dad would run to the gun cabinet, throw each girl a rifle and he'd yell "LETS GET US SOME VENGEANCE FOR SANTA! GET THEM MOP HEADED NEGROES!!" and they'd get in the car and they'd drive around blasting Rastafarians from hell to breakfast and they'd basically steal all their shit back and plus more weed and it would be rad for everyone involved because the rifles would only be tranquilizer guns and the Rastafarians would be just poverty stricken negroes from the local projects who the dad hired for like 6 bucks an hour. TOTAL WIN WIN.
If I was The Best Way To Explain To A Child Why Jews Don't Celebrate Christmas, I'd go like this "See that dude hanging on the cross? See the hair? See the beard? yeah, well that's not really Jesus, that's Santa. Jews killed him, that's why they don't like Christmas and that's also why we hate Jews". That would be followed by a viewing of the "Holocaust" DVD while snickering a lot and saying stuff like: "Yeah right, even if this DID happen, WHICH IT DIDN'T, it's totally their just desserts" and then someone would say "Did someone say DESSERT?" and then everyone would eat Jell-o shaped into little swastikas because Jell-o is the WHITEST and therefore GREATEST dessert there is. Talk about BONDING.
If I was The Best Way To Instill In A Child The Whole Point Behind Gift Giving At Christmas Time, someone dressed as Santa would loudly crash into the child's bedroom at 3 am on Christmas Eve screaming "This is what you get for hitting your sister all year you little fuck!" then he'd relentlessly beat the child really hard with Christmas stocking with an orange in the toe then when the child was nearly passed out from pain, the Santa guy would throw five thousand dollars cash at him in wadded up ones and yell: "GOT IT?"
That's all for now!
Don't get caught tryin to convince the retarded girl across the street that you have a candy cane in your pants and all she has to do is reach in and get it.
Your Leading Cause of Pre-natal White Supremacy,
Don Ho
