If I Was The First Violin Player To Ever Be In A Rock Band And Not Come Off Like A Total QueerBag...
If I was That Scene in That P.B.S. Nature Show In Which a Hated JerkFuck Subordinate Monkey Kills The Beloved Head Monkey and All The Other Monkeys Stand Around With Watery Eyes Mourning Their Fallen Leader, Stroking The Fur On His Belly and Hugging Him, I would only be sadder if maybe, in their grief, all the mom monkeys drowned themselves in the stream and the baby monkeys were left to fend for themselves under the reign of the new evil monkeyking who kills the fat grey haired grandpa monkey by gouging out his eyes and blinding him causing him to constantly fall out of banana trees and slowly starve to death.
Or maybe laughing hyenas could just kidnap and eat all the baby monkeys while the mom monkeys stood around screaming, that would be sad too.
If I was The Annual P.B.S. Membership/Fund Drive, instead of showing the best music programing interspersed with begging, I'd just loop all the scenes of super cute, dying, starving baby animals and then I'd say stuff like, "we can't afford to film cute dying baby animals without your generosity so unless you want us to STOP filming cute dying baby animals, I suggest you get out your motherfucking checkbooks" because EVERYBODY loves shows with cute, dying baby animals.
If I was The First Violin Player To Ever Be In A Rock Band And Not Come Off Like A Total QueerBag, as I'd play, I'd stab sports team mascots in their eyeballs and ears and buttholes with the end of my bow and blood and poop and maggots'd spurt out all over the crowd and my face would constantly be on fire, my crotch would shoot lasers and my shoes would be made out of rotting baby seal meat. Also, I would ONLY play "The Devil Went Down To Georgia. ONLY.
If I Was A Baby Monkey And I Was Being Filmed For P.B.S., I would look straight into the camera and mouth the words "please help me" as I let a single monkey tear roll down and off my face onto my murdered mother's lifeless heart.
If I was The Best P.B.S. Special of All Time, I'd be a special in which 100 abandoned dying baby animals sang all the great Motown hits with a full orchestra and a special appearance by the violin player from the last joke who'd of course be playing The Devil Went Down To Georgia over the top of Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye. AWESOME FUCKING MASH-UP!
If I was The Devil, I'd probably never go to Georgia because it would just seem super gay and like I was trying to relive my glory days.
That's all for now!
Don't get caught imagining SEAL being clubbed as a fuzzy white baby seal and then thinking how weird it is that he actually has the scars AND the really weird fact that fuzzy WHITE seals eventually DO turn into shiny BLACK seals. Freeeeaky.
Your M.V.P. (Most Manhandled Princess),
Sam Donaldson
