If I Was Big Fat Louie Anderson's Screetchy Sphincter...
If I was a Chair Recently Owned By Louie Anderson I would probably smell like mustard or refried bean poop and my legs would probably hurt like hell and you just KNOW he thought the name of the show was The Family FOOD when he auditioned and that he was suuuper bummed when he found out he had to stand up the whole time.
If I was a Squeeze Bottle of Mustard With Barely Enough Mustard Left That You Have To Shake The Crap Out of it Just To Barely Get A Teensie Bit Of Mustard to Spray Onto Your Gay Looking Hot Dog, I'd say; "Hey everybody, listen to me impersonate a pissed off dolphin!"
If I was a Dolphin Just Hanging Out at a Human Picnic, every time some smartass started squeezing the empty mustard bottle trying sound like me I'd say in my best retard voice "Hey everybody look at me, I'm a total douchebag who thinks mustard bottle dolphin jokes are HIGH LARRY US..." then I'd shoot a cold raw hot dog slathered with refried beans and mustard out my blow hole and then I'd drool or make some spit bubbles that would drip down my snout thingy.
If I was The Internet's Latest Porn Craze, I'd be a website filled with tons of close up shots and videos of mustard slathered raw hot dogs going in and out of dolphin's blow holes in slow motion with microphones that pick up the sound really good. Oh yeah, plus refried beans.
If I was Big Fat Louie Anderson's Screetchy Sphincter, I may as well have dried up crusty mustard all cracked and stuck to the skin and hair in my immediate vicinity because it's totally easy to imagine and most people probably already assume it looks something like that and it's also easy to imagine that I would sound like a dolphin or humpback whale when I released Louie's hot poisonous winds. A tattoo above me that read "refried beans" with an arrow pointed at me would be cool too.
If I was a Chair Recently Used By Pamela Anderson I'd probably be glad that chairs can't get hepatitis C.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught screaming for Moesha when you SHOULD be screaming for LESSesha!
Your Dimestore Variety Nuclear Jizzicist,
Bjørk
